So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

continuing from our last thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3?page=40&reply=140073671

@CaveMum Hugs gratefully accepted! (I have had a truly shit year, not just my parents and internet hugs have been so helpful)

I sat down with mums care home manager at the weekend and went through her advanced care plan. Mums never discussed what she’d want so I can only go by what she did for her elderly relatives when they were at end of life.

Shes doing ok but very frail so one fall or bout of pneumonia away from a crisis. The manager has specialised in end of care life and they support people dying there and only a few of their residents pass away in hospital. With that knowledge and a GP that has a very pragmatic approach when it comes to the care of the very elderly, I think she’s in good hands. It’s her birthday this week and they’d already bought and wrapped some gifts for her. Little things like that make it feel like she’s really cared for, I’m very grateful.

Well done for having the courage and foresight to have this conversation. I don’t think it even occurred to DH, FIL, SIL to talk about this with the home where MIL was. I sometimes asked questions about ‘what happens if…?’ but was either met with a shrug, or FIL just looked outraged at the very suggestion that anything could / should be done other than just keep her going at any cost.

@rickyrickygrimes the conversation was entirely at the home’s insistence. They’ve been burned before when a new resident collapsed their first night and their paperwork including DNAR had not been transferred from their previous institution yet, so they try and get the plan in place as soon as possible.

they did acknowledge that some people find it a very difficult conversation to have. But their ethos is giving their residents the best quality of life they can have, and they made it clear that that includes all the way to their death. I’m reassured.

I travelled home for a few days and am back at mums just now. She's v frail, but still managing to get out of bed herself, gave her a shower this am, and she's eaten more than I have over past few days. Still dropping in thoughts of care home to her - but she moves between thinking about it to being adamant she wants to stay at home.

She's much more confused than she was when I was home a couple of weeks ago.
Think Dr's are expecting a rapid decline, don't think she's come to terms with that, but we'll take it one day at a time.

Hi everyone

Thanks so much to all of you who supported me during my mum's final weeks and days. I couldn't have coped without being able to talk in here and just to have your thoughts was incredibly helpful.

Mum is being cremated this morning. It's another beautiful sunny day just as it was when she died, and I feel blessed by that.

Especially love and hugs to @AgitatedGoose and @cupofteaneeded - we went through the end of our Mum's and Dad's lives together, our nighttime vigils, and sad relief when our lovely parents were gone. ❤️🌷☀️

I hope everyone in this brutal club finds solace soon 🙏

Best wishes for today @GoldenSpraint and I hope the funeral is as good as these things can be - I've been to three in quick succession and each had very good moments and left me feeling at peace.

Thinking of you today @GoldenSpraint

@GoldenSpraint sending more good wishes your way. It’s tough but also you will find moments of peace. Thinking of you.

@GoldenSpraint hoping that today goes well and that you feel peaceful afterwards. Take comfort in all you did for your lovely Mum and that you were with her. My DM's cremation isn't for another couple of weeks, lucky to get it even that soon evidently, feeling rather in limbo until that happens.
Love and hugs, feel free to DM me if you'd like, this next chapter of our lives without them will be strange

@GoldenSpraint I hope your Mum’s funeral has given you comfort and that you find a special and meaningful place to scatter her ashes on a similarly sunny day.
I’m still at my Dad’s house dealing with all the admin, arranging his funeral and clearing his house. It’s a very sad time but the sun has shone every day since my Dad died.

Hi all

really sorry but MN display has gone mad so can't read posts without faff

I just wanted to hop on say after seven years of constant drama, mum is now well enough to get rid of carers.

she isn't making a bad decision. She nearly dies and bounces back. I've loat count of how many times. She joked today that she must be immortal but she is depressed about it too. It's such an awful thing.

of course it's good that she doesn't need personal care but it just means years more of no life. It's awful.

l've already had one nervous breakdown over it. I shudder to think what the future holds. She weighs nothing. She can't do anything. I mean thank god for not needing personal care but it's such a waste of ...everything. Old age is such a tragedy.

My much loved and very old cat had a some sort of seizure last night. She seems fine now.

I'm weighing up whether to take her to the vets to try and get her assessed, which will be distressing and may or may not result in any help, or just to let her potter around in peace, which might mean she doesnt live as long but is less stressed. She's 5 years older than the average life expectancy for a cat and seems happy most of the time.

We wouldn't as a society keep a very elderly, incontinent, blind, immobile cat alive because that would be cruel, but it's OK to keep a human going past the point of all reason.

Mum hs been in a hospice for a week now. Bed bound for past 3 days, syringe driver and catheter in as soon as she was admitted. She's getting more tired and is sometimes confused, not eating as much. The hospice is wonderful. I'm staying with my lovely brother, he's been on his sofa for the past week. DP and kids coming over at weekend, we'll be in an air b N b, so at least DB will get his bed back for a few nights. God this is hard.

Big hugs if wanted @Gcn

my dad was like that for a while. I know how hard it is.

@Gcn My heart goes out to you as it really is an emotionally draining time. My late Dad spent nine days in a hospice but I’m so glad I moved mountains to get him there as the care was exemplary. Look after yourself at this heartbreaking time.

@HoraceGoesBonkers I hope your cat is continuing to be ok. You’re absolutely right about so much effort being made to prolong people’s lives when there’s no quality left. Humanity is much kinder when it comes to
pets.

@AgitatedGoose She's been a lot better, thankfully, and has been bossing us!

It's the uncertainty of everything that is so hard. I feel so guilty when mum has a good day and it makes me worried that she might be discharged from hospice to a nursing home. Is that likely?? She had another PICC inserted yesterday, not sure why as we missed the consultant's visit.

I'm staying with my brother - he's sleeping on his sofa, refuses to let me sleep there. If this goes on for months it's going to be really difficult. What do I do about work??

@gcn I'd speak to the hospice about whether or not your mum is likely to get discharged. I have heard of this happening (MIL was in a hospice then discharged to die at home) but not dealt with directly.

I think work wise it depends very much on your circumstances. I work for myself so took as little as possible time off but also it helps keep me sane! My DSis is public sector so has been able to take more sick leave.

@Gcn I managed to get signed off sick by my GP but obviously this couldn’t have continued for long as I wouldn’t have been paid. I knew my Dad probably wasn’t going to live for much more than a week as he couldn’t swallow food or fluids.

Well my mum died this morning. She died peacefully in her sleep but it has been so painful watching her decline yet her life being prolonged way after all quality had gone. Feel a strange sense of release but oddly adrift. Have had a good cry tonight. Love to all on this thread.

@CeliaCanth I hope this doesn't come out wrong when I say it is lovely to hear of a peaceful end - even if after too long a decline. I hope you have found a bit of space this evening.

@PermanentTemporary not wrong at all. My chief concern was that she was not in pain. Thank you and I hope your own circumstances are not too difficult.

Thank you. Today felt like a difficult visit though it was far from the worst. I'm not at peace with dm living like this. Nothing to be done.