So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

continuing from our last thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3?page=40&reply=140073671

Welcome to The Club No One Wants To Be In™️ @CeliaCanth. Sometimes it’s really helpful to just vent, and you’ll get no judgement here.

@GoldenSpraint it’s hard to know what to say to you, everything I can think of feels so trite or cliched. I guess all I’ll say is I hope this period, be it hours, days or however long, passes peacefully for both you and your mum.

We had a scare over the weekend, I was visiting my parents to check in on them (I live 200 miles from them so my brother and I have an arrangement that we take it in turns to visit them once a month to do practical stuff) and within in an hour of me arriving my dad was showing signs of a stroke - he was incoherent, slumped in his chair, couldn’t raise his arms from his sides. I called 111 who called an ambulance (emergency call but still took 30 mins to arrive), long story short he was taken to hospital where we had a 1 hour wait in the car park followed by another 7 hours inside the hospital. They did a load of tests inc a CT scan but couldn’t find anything (other than the very long list of existing issues) wrong. He’d reverted back to normal (well, his normal) by then and they decided to discharge him.

So now we’ve got a whole new thing to be worried about/on watch for. He’s racking up quite the list of conditions/medical issues. It’s like a bingo card of “What Will Kill You First” <dark laugh>

@GoldenSpraint I feel heartbroken for you when I read about the relationship you and your Mum shared. This must be unbelievable hard for you to cope with on your own and a very lonely journey.
My Dad is hanging on and I’ve spent the day at the hospice holding his hand. The staff are incredibly kind and I’m glad he’s being so well looked after. Sadly I had a complicated relationship with Mum and Dad isn’t my biological Dad although I’ve known him for most of my life. I feel a huge sense of loss and dread of what lies ahead.

Thank you everyone ❤️

I realised I hadn't eaten so heated some soup and ate with a cheese scone. Am currently heating something for tea.

Mum has helped me through so much in life, she was there when my marriage disintegrated, and she and my paternal granddad brought me up as my dad was busy with his own life.

We've always been close. I sat with her earlier and held her hand for a while until she dozed.

Looking through photos took my mind off things for a while. And sorting some bits out.

The two loveliest carers will be here soon, then later the night nurse.

I'm hoping it's tonight, I'd like her last care to be the two best, and for there to be someone here so I can have a sleep.

If Mum is here tomorrow night, I think I'll have to stay up somehow.

I don't feel alone - it's pretty much always been me and Mum against the world, we're not outgoing people who need lots of other people around, so don't anyone feel bad for me!

Our cat is here bringing me back down to earth when he wants his meals and letting out. 🐈‍⬛️

Beautiful messages @GoldenSpraint and sending you and your mum all the best. Our animals are such a wonderful presence at times like this, grounding and reassuring ❤️

Really lovely lady here overnight. She has a similar spirit to my mum, I feel at ease. 😊

Thinking of you @GoldenSpraint and everyone else in this very sad situation. My DM passed away in November last year, I relate to many of the sentiments expressed on this thread. Sending good wishes to you and your loved ones.

A rainy day here. Mum was so pleased when I returned this morning and held her hand.

By tonight we'll have completed at least three days of active dying.

Her nurse is due to call today. Big changes since Monday.

It's been lovely going over old times and thinking about what a wonderful, talented person she is.

❤️

I'm going to see my Dad soon - I feel bad but I've not been in a while because of various other things popping up.

I had a horrible nightmare last night that first I was on a bus trip with DH, then my Dad turned up on the bus trip. In the dream he could move but was very confused (in real life he can't move and hasn't really been reacting to his surroundings for many months).

The bus trip turned into a Game of Thrones type wedding (?) and we had to leave Dad as a hostage, and I was wondering if it'd be better if he got killed.

Urrrrgh, horrible and I was so upset when I woke up.

I think all the stuff about the war in Ukraine is stirring it all up in my mind, - it was just short of three years ago, when the war started that he had the last near end of life event (perforated bowel) where my mum was determined to keep him alive then send a message praising God when he had a turd.

It was not long after Russia bombed the maternity hospital in Ukraine I remember rolling my eyes and thinking God should sort out his priorities rather than intervening to save an octogenarian with an incurable and degenerative health condition.

What a horrible dream @HoraceGoesBonkers

Hoping for much needed release for you soon ❤️

@GoldenSpraint wishing you lots of peace and happy memories. My DM has been conscious at all since the early hours of Monday and doesn’t seem to respond when any of us are there but we’re playing music and talking to her etc. Syringe driver is being delivered today and the local hospice at home are involved from tomorrow. I’m going to keep the regular carers coming in too though as, although she didn’t want anyone coming in at first, only me, she’s since got used to them and they are such a lovely set of ladies. They’ve been a big support for me too

Had a lovely day today. 😊

Expected nurse visit didn't happen, don't know why, which was disappointing 😕 Won't see her again as she's not in work again till this time next week. I wanted to thank her and say goodbye. 😔

Am feeling a bit overwhelmed now. Been so many times today I've thought Mum has gone.

Was offered a sitter from the hospice tonight but I intend to stay with mum. This morning when I said hello she was so overjoyed to see me that I can't bear to leave her. It won't be long, and I don't want her ever to be without me for more than a few minutes. I can doze but most important is for her to know I'm right beside her. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Oh and neighbour who feels guilty for never visiting mum has phoned twice. I saw her coming back from shopping with some daffs. I correctly surmised they were guilt flowers as she called five minutes later. Haven't answered. Am I bad for not wanting them?

@GoldenSpraint you are doing amazingly well, I remember the feeling well of just waiting. Wanting your DM to be at peace but also the unimaginable pain of knowing she won’t be there. She’s lucky to have you and you her. Do what feels right and that’s all you need to think about. The guilt flowers are too little too late. Don’t give it another thought. Thinking of you.

@GoldenSpraint Wishing you and your Mum a peaceful night together. Your love for her absolutely radiates and I’m so touched when I read your words.
My Dad is still here and I’ve spent the day quietly sitting in his room at the hospice. I’m able to take my dog which is lovely.
I would have ignored the neighbour and as another poster has said - too little too late.

That sounds wonderful, @AgitatedGoose about your dog. Our cat has been curled up next to mum for the second day. We've all just had a really special day. Mum is 99.9% unresponsive but I gave her a massive cuddle earlier and I could make out a happy sound. When I was talking to her about one of our favourite pastimes she turned her head and opened her eyes a little.

These were such special moments ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I'm going to treasure these times forever.

And I'm so glad you decided to be with your Dad ❤️

Yes, guilt flowers are too late. If she puts them on the step that's as far as they'll come!

I am waiting on a carer bringing me much needed snacks as I've run out! They've been wonderful these last few days ❤️

Wanting your DM to be at peace but also the unimaginable pain of knowing she won’t be there.

Yes. I just want to go back in time and spend more time with her, do more with her, and talk to her more.

I've had to work though, so no use wishing. I just have to be grateful I'm self employed and can decide to spend all my time with her now. I know other people aren't so fortunate.

When my granddad was dying I was in another country and couldn't get to him. I wrote to him every single day telling him I loved him, and my mum who did visit read the letters to him.

Spending time with loved ones is the most important thing in the world. ❤️

@AgitatedGoose thinking of you too. Sending good wishes.

Another day dawns.

Oh Mum ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

She's holding on so tightly to life. Two whole weeks since her last fluids. Her fourth day of actively dying.

I spoke to her last night about it being okay to go just in case she was holding on for me.

I just have no words left for all of this.

@AgitatedGoose I hope your dad had a comfortable night, sending hugs to you for today's vigil 🤗🤗🤗

@Cupofteaneeded Sending you hugs and hoping for a good day for you and your mum 🤗🤗🤗

It's a beautiful sunny day here, and the sun is shining on Mum's face.☀️

I read that brightness can cause discomfort but I can't shut the sun out, and I'm sure Mum will want to feel it. ❤️

Our cat's chattering at the birds and causing havoc. 🐈‍⬛️

Good morning @GoldenSpraint and your lovely mum (and of course your Chaos Maker in Chief 🐈‍⬛)

Hope today is peaceful for you all. Very gently I will say don’t be surprised if she chooses to gently slip away when you are not there. I have nurse friends who tell me it’s incredibly common for patients to pass in the short space of time a relative leaves the room to go to the loo/get something to eat drink.

Sending much love and strength.

It's a worry every time I go to the loo! I mentally say, please don't die whilst I'm sat on here, Mum!😕

I've found a dawn chorus on Spotify so am playing that. A dog has just barked! 😁 Cat is wondering what's going on!

Mum's breathing has become very shallow and quiet.❤️🙏

Thinking of you @GoldenSpraint

It sounds like you’ve created a lovely and peaceful space for your mum 💛 in the notes my mum left for me, she had added at the end ‘the nice thing about your final journey is that you don’t need to pack’ which I quite enjoyed. Wishing your mum a good final journey.

Mum's gone, the sun on her face, surrounded by love and birds singing.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

You did her proud @GoldenSpraint - what a beautiful ending.

So sorry for your loss @GoldenSpraint but such a peaceful, 'good' death if there can be such a thing. 💐