MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

[FeralNun]

This is mainly a rant, I’ll admit that freely!

MIL widowed this year, has multiple health issues, and is extremely frail. She cannot move safely without a walker, although she thinks she can. Her frequent falls have escalated recently - 4 falls in 5 weeks (that we know of). Hospitalised twice for these falls, and then on Sunday, the paramedics glued her head back together and left her at home. I don’t blame them tbh.

Yesterday she fell again, and this time she’s broken her wrist. So now there is no way she can manage until it’s out of plaster and healed. The lovely nurse is talking about a rehabilitation place in the meantime.

Home is simply no longer viable. She’s got everything / every aid you can imagine l, the alarms, lifeline, the lot. But at the end of the day there are stairs and no downstairs loo.

She won’t be told. She would rather watch DH worry himself to a shadow and drive a 500 mile round trip each time she falls over. He’s had a year of this now, including caring for his dying father 24/7 for 2 months because he was too stubborn for a hospice or carers.

I honestly think my poor DH will die first at this rate.

Ideas/experiences/general advice welcome!

Thank you.

You can't blame society for stubborn old folk who won't spend money, claim benefits or give their kids (daughters) a break

You’re right, @Davros

@FeralNun it's not often I get told that! 💐

Saying NO gets easier the more you practice and it is a full sentence.
Saying no is about caring for the person as you are not able to be everything for them.
Not safe was the phrase we used on repeat.
Being able to access privately funded care was our saving grace,

So glad everything is going well @FeralNun.

So much good advice on this thread and very little judgement which we see all too often in these circumstances.

We’re on the same road with DM who is currently in hospital waiting on a rehab place. She’s desperate to go home and DB and I are resisting but it’s hard to see her so unhappy.

Saying no is about caring for the person as you are not able to be everything for them.
Not safe was the phrase we used on repeat.

I needed to hear this.

Hi OP

how do the conversations go between your DH and your MIL? Is he able to assert himself? Does he state clearly how her decisions are impacting on him (and his family)? Does he know where his boundaries are and how to defend them? Does he have any siblings to share this with?

Please ignore my pp - I missed the second page! I’m glad things have worked out for you all, despite everything. We have a FIL who is falling a lot but still able to get himself up again. 🤷‍♀️

This episode of Mel Robbins covers how women get to this point - everyone should listen for prevention:
podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-mel-robbins-podcast/id1646101002?i=1000697960651

I am only about a quarter of a way through reading this thread, but I just wanted to add my agreement to this.
Having watched my dad (and my mum as his carer) struggle to cope in their home which was (and still is for my mum) massively unsuitable, we have decided we will actively plan for our old age by moving before we reach 75 into a bungalow somewhere close to shops, doctors etc and public transport.
I think people have a tendancy to think if they reach 75 with no issues they have cracked growing old completely and think none of this will happen to them.
I was listening to a programme about planning for retirement on the radio the other day and so much of it was so unrealistic - people moving into isolated houses in the middle of nowhere because they had always wanted to be self-sufficient etc.
On a thread on here recently about planning for getting old, a poster said she and her husband were about to move into a house with a massive garden because 'gardening was their life and they will always do it'.
I can only assume that neither of these people had experienced how rapidly things go downhill once the vicious circle begins, usually with a fall
There is a world of difference between being 75 and being 85, but so many don't seem to grasp this, and if they do, by that stage it's all about crisis management, not actively planning.

My FIL was still walking 5 miles at the beginning of this year. He's 93 and visited the Himalayas for walking holidays up until he was 80.
He had a fall after Christmas and is now in a home.
You really can't make any sensible predictions about how things will pan out when you are 80-90 when you are just in your 60s!
You can start to plan for it, but to do that you need to dace up to the reality that, regardless of how active you might be now, you really won't be in the future.

There is a time in life when children need to stop being the child in the relationship and become the adult, and the parent becomes the child.

You need to lay out, in no uncertain terms, what you are prepared to undertake and what you are not and then let MIL decide what the best option is within those boundaries.

Its very hard but your life is no less important than hers. We are lucky my parents chose to move nearer and will accept help now.

I'm not sure that you can always generalise like that.

My father died suddenly last year at the age of 90, but his large garden was his pride and joy and he was still working on it until his death, growing both flowers and vegetables - although he had said that he wouldn't grow tomatoes last year as he couldn't cope with the daily watering if there was no rain.

It was becoming more of a struggle but he would have absolutely hated spending the last ten to fifteen years of his life stuck in some sheltered housing with little or no garden. If he had lived longer we would have got a gardener to come in and give him a hand with the heavy jobs he was finding it difficult to manage like mowing the lawn and digging

Oh I agree about gardens, we will move somewhere with one definitely. I was more talking about people who didn't seem to realise the massive garden they were looking forward to tending in their retirement house would become a burden when they got very old. Paying a gardener to tend a standard garden is one thing. Keeping a smallholding in order is an entirely different proposition.
I wasn't talking about sheltered housing either - just a standard bungalow with a flat garden close to amenities and transport.