MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

[FeralNun]

This is mainly a rant, I’ll admit that freely!

MIL widowed this year, has multiple health issues, and is extremely frail. She cannot move safely without a walker, although she thinks she can. Her frequent falls have escalated recently - 4 falls in 5 weeks (that we know of). Hospitalised twice for these falls, and then on Sunday, the paramedics glued her head back together and left her at home. I don’t blame them tbh.

Yesterday she fell again, and this time she’s broken her wrist. So now there is no way she can manage until it’s out of plaster and healed. The lovely nurse is talking about a rehabilitation place in the meantime.

Home is simply no longer viable. She’s got everything / every aid you can imagine l, the alarms, lifeline, the lot. But at the end of the day there are stairs and no downstairs loo.

She won’t be told. She would rather watch DH worry himself to a shadow and drive a 500 mile round trip each time she falls over. He’s had a year of this now, including caring for his dying father 24/7 for 2 months because he was too stubborn for a hospice or carers.

I honestly think my poor DH will die first at this rate.

Ideas/experiences/general advice welcome!

Thank you.

Raises a tired hand - am also a wits ender though thankfully mine is a bit less stubborn, and nearer than @FeralNun's

If she's going to rehab you may well find the problem solved. My mother is currently in one and they assess the home before they are allowed to be discharged there. We've had family liason meetings to discuss what care we are able to offer. Mum's house could be made safe enough for her to go home but she'll need 24/7 care for the foreseeable, and we can't manage that, so she's hopefully ( see what i did there...it's not yet settled where she's going) going into residential care.

Is your mum near you? Would your MIL consider moving into the same place that your mum's in, so there's someone she knows there?

@WinterFrog the daft thing is there genuinely is loads of support out there. As you said and happened in our case - because we made no decisions for Dad, because mother and brother wouldn’t everything got taken out of our hands.

I'm so sorry OP , but much solidarity. I cared for my MIL when I really shouldn't have tbh , I had already had a postpartum Pyschosis relapse months before but I felt extremely pressured , I then had another one which was so bad my relationship broke down because of it . I should have put my foot down more and said no , which I did by telling my partner I'm getting ill but I should have been more persistent . People don't realise how hard it is and how much it sucks the life out of you. I had All the guilt of my partner of I'll just put her in a home then . I wished I'd have said go on then do that and I absolutely loved my MIL btw .

I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t believe the cheek of your ex guilting you to look after his mum. He could always have cared for her himself if he didn’t want her to go into a home.

Unfortunately until you step away and not rush up to see her when she falls, nothing will happen. For various reasons, my sister and I are fairly low contact with our elderly mother. She has a carer once a day but she knows that if things get any worse she will have to go into a home. She has had one fall and broke her hip. She was in hospital for months. She now always uses her frame and sleeps downstairs.

I'm still with him . Pathetic I know . I went out in a pyschosis state and thought I was in love with someone hence the relationship breakdown 😳 I've never cheated on him in my life but I told and told him , it's making me ill , I can't do it anymore and then he told me I'll just put her in a home then 😭

Sorry when you said the relationship broke down I thought you meant it ended. At least he saw sense eventually.

I agree with this and it is helpful. I would just add .. your DH driving 500 miles when she falls. He is, I will emphasise, HE IS A CARER. He is entitled legally to a Carers Assessment. Not for his parent. For him. You might have to force the issue of Carers Assessment because Social Work seem to hope people don't know about it, but it's a legal right and they cannot deny it. Don't let them deny your legal rights.

My MIL was a frequent faller, she had no downstairs toilet, would not use the commode provided, couldn't leave the house by either the front or back door. It was clear to the family that the house was totally unsuitable for her needs but she would not look at other options. The falls escalated until the week she fell again within two hours of a discharge after a fall and then fell again after the next discharge. At that point the professionals decided that she was not acting in her own best interests (the family would have said this about nine months earlier) and when she said that she wanted to go home she didn't have an appreciation that this might mean seven hours on the floor overnight. She was discharged to a residential care home where she put some weight on and several medical conditions resolved (presumably because she was taking the medication as prescribed). She wasn't happy there but she hadn't been happy at home either. The family were a great deal happier as they knew she was eating and being looked after.

The last year that she was at home was not an easy one, it was a massive relief when we knew that there was someone within call all of the time.

Thanks , he likes to bring it up sometimes and I bring up how horrible he was when I was doing most of his mums care and personal care . Honestly if it's taught me anything is to always say no , there's so much help out there , but when family is seen doing anything , you won't get help atall

So sorry for this difficult situation. I truly empathise with you

My father was similar to your MIL & as an only child, it was a difficult time. In all probability she will fall again & SS may intervene & refuse to let her go home even with a care plan in place. I would begin looking around for suitable Care homes. Maybe bring her near to you. I think in the end my father gave up rather than risk being moved out of his home.

Yes. People in middle age get stressed into caring for their elderly parents on top of their other responsibilities - helping with grandchildren, having a job, and unfortunately elderly parents (not them all but a lot of them) prioritise themselves and don't take their childrens' other responsibilities into account. Many (I realise not all) of today's elderly population maybe didn't have a paid job (mainly women), got their pensions at 65/60 and don't seem to realise or care the next generation down have many other responsibilities to juggle. This is why Carers Assessment is necessary to help the people in middle age

I don't know exactly how the system works but given these are frequent and all requiring attention I would speak to the doctor and ward supervisor and tell them you're not happy for her to be released back home. She needs full time care by the sounds of it.

Moan away, it sounds really difficult. DH can't be driving up every time.

Is it possible to install a downstairs bathroom, & put a bed somewhere?

How old is she? The stubbornness could be a sign of cognitive decline. Has she been assessed for that?

You have encapsulated the problem, and thank you. You don't know how the system works. Most, or at least very many, don't know how the system works when their elderly relative is in need of help. This means Social Workers can manipulate the middle aged people and they end up driving 500 miles to help their parent when Social Work dept are actually legally responsible. I was manipulated into providing care to my elderly relative I was not actually able to provide. I have never properly recovered and I don't think I will now. I worked in a responsible job for almost 40 years but the care system just about broke me . I hope you get advice and enforce your rights. You are as important as your elderly relative

Grab a coffee in the cockroach cafe ☕️

There really is no need for your mother in law to keep falling.

I'm old and frail, the third time I fell I decided enough was enough. I have a chair lift three rollators (like a Zimmer frame on wheels), one downstairs, one upstairs and one for outside. A walk in shower with a shower chair and other aids.

I never ever try to walk without a rollator because the chances are I will fall. The NHS is stretched enough without looking after people who don't help themselves.

I'm sorry that, reading this post back, I seem pretty critical. I don't mean this post as a direct criticism of your mother in law, but I admit to getting frustrated when people won't help themselves. I guess I just don't understand that type of mentally.

You don't seem critical to me, more like realistic. I wish you very well

I’ve said this before, and it sounds harsh but it’s true (been there). Your DH needs to stop doing what he’s doing. She has capacity (totally different if she didn’t), and she is making her choices which she is entitled to make. He needs to step back and let what will be, be. Or he continues, which is his choice - but in which case nothing will change (apart from his own health declining further), because his mother, and the agencies involved will not change.

see if you can arrange a bed for the sitting room.
I am sorry but this won't work. She will still fall. I did this with my mother the bed was down for a week had another fall ended up in hospital again. The hospital decided she was no longer safe to go home and had to go to a residential home. Is this an option.

It doesn't seem harsh to me. It might have done before I was in the position navigating my relative's behaviour and Social Work quite happy to let my health deteriorate in the meantime because I was clueless about the system. But having been in the position, I try and gently tell people to not end up in the position I did. Agencies will not change but will manipulate you into doing things that will make your or your DH's health deteriorate. To repeat an earlier post, your health (and your DH's) are as important an your elderly relative's. I wish someone had told me this when my health was deteriorating because I was being forced to do caring I was not able to do

If money isn't an issue, can you install a downstairs bathroom for her so that she can live downstairs? That might be a halfway house before she has to move out of home.