MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

[FeralNun]

This is mainly a rant, I’ll admit that freely!

MIL widowed this year, has multiple health issues, and is extremely frail. She cannot move safely without a walker, although she thinks she can. Her frequent falls have escalated recently - 4 falls in 5 weeks (that we know of). Hospitalised twice for these falls, and then on Sunday, the paramedics glued her head back together and left her at home. I don’t blame them tbh.

Yesterday she fell again, and this time she’s broken her wrist. So now there is no way she can manage until it’s out of plaster and healed. The lovely nurse is talking about a rehabilitation place in the meantime.

Home is simply no longer viable. She’s got everything / every aid you can imagine l, the alarms, lifeline, the lot. But at the end of the day there are stairs and no downstairs loo.

She won’t be told. She would rather watch DH worry himself to a shadow and drive a 500 mile round trip each time she falls over. He’s had a year of this now, including caring for his dying father 24/7 for 2 months because he was too stubborn for a hospice or carers.

I honestly think my poor DH will die first at this rate.

Ideas/experiences/general advice welcome!

Thank you.

That’s assuming dementia patients understand or remember the visit. Around 10% of people over 65 have dementia so it could keep the fire brigade busy.

In my father's situation, it didn't matter if he remembered the visit. He was adjudged to be a danger to himself and others and removed to a Care Home. I don't know where you are based but, in Scotland, fire safety visits are an integral part of the fire brigade's role. Don't let us fall out about Fire Assessments please. It helped my father. It helped his neighbours. It was suggested by Social Work. It was the right course of action. End of story

I’ve never suggested it wasn’t the right course of action for your father. It would be good to move on from this preoccupation with the fire brigade as it’s probably not helping OP.

I agree. I mentioned the Fire Assessment in an effort to be helpful initially then you have repeatedly brought it up in an unpleasant way. I have been giving you the benefit of the doubt but I am done with you now and will not be engaging with you about this again. Please do not bring up the Fire Assessment to me again. With sincere best wishes to OP and all who have issues and concerns with elderly parents, I wish you well.

But they will remember this 'respectful intervention' that you've talked about family members making? Jolly good. That's convenient.

I also have found these posts and the tone around people turning to 'over stretched services' not supportive. We all know services are stretched. They are, nevertheless, often the appropriate or possibly the only place to turn when family members who are expected to step in are already overloaded. I had to keep saying at key moments in my own history of this that I had a full time job, a primary school aged child and lived two hours' drive away. Many family members, certainly women, in my experience need more encouragement to seek outside help, not less.

But they will remember this 'respectful intervention' that you've talked about family members making? Jolly good. That's convenient.

?That’s not a one off, it’s ongoing, the family may decide to engage more care, move the person into an home etc.

I can’t keep up with this - the falling in the falling out, now someone else has hopped on. Subject is now closed.

Respectfully, any one poster can decide to continue or stop contributing to the thread (within talk guidelines, of course) as they see fit. No one poster gets to say 'subject closed' and expect it to be obeyed because they have decided it. I'll continue to comment and contribute as I see fit. Wishing everyone a good week with the ongoing elderly parent challenges.

My mother had a spell of frequent falls. She was referred to the “falls clinic”. Her medications were changed.
She was no longer a diabetic, she was off blood pressure meds. They tried taking her off others.
Eventually, after a year they subsided.

She was improving so much. She said she was feeling great. However she had a trip a few weeks ago. She felt it. With her previous ones she had blacked out.

Lots of people end up being on medications for years. Some can cause dizzy spells.

Hi everyone, I thought I’d update in case people were interested.

MIL moved into a short term rehab type care home (nhs bed) this week. She has her own room, lovely staff and activities and DH is there trying to soothe her down and find a more permanent place with the help of the social worker, who is excellent. We have our eye on one so it’s a matter of getting a place. And then once she is fully healed, perhaps warden supported accommodation.

We were really hopeful that this would ease the worry, and in some ways it has - she’s not falling over for starters! But she is very unhappy, resistant, and convinced that she can manage just fine on her own with a broken wrist. Of course it’s natural - she’s having to confront reality and is losing so much. Perhaps she will settle?

It all reminds me of the cancer journey - at each stage you imagine they’ll be answers, resolution, a plan, a break from worry. Reality is very different.

Wishing you all the most peaceful Christmas you can manage, and thank you all for the useful advice, support and stories!

Thanks for updating. This reminds me of some aspects of my dad's life in his care home. He was well cared for but he was also restless and unsettled - over time I came to feel that this was inevitable. It's what dementia does to a person: you're dimly aware, I would guess, that things aren't 'right' but not exactly how or why, so you suggest what makes sense to you as a fix, eg to 'go home' even if you're not sure yourself where home is anymore. My job was to accept that I couldn't change that, but I could make sure he was in a place where he was safe, clean, looked after and cared for, and where he got as many moments of satisfaction - whether from seeing me, a piece of cake, whatever it was - as were now available for him. He wasn't able to make that decision for himself, so I had to step up and do it. I hope it gives you some comfort that even if you can't make everything better for your MIL, you're doing the best you can for her.

Thank you @FeralNun .
I hope she settles and you find a lovely place for her.

Thanks for the update. I see MIL is resistant (and I'm sorry about that) but she's safe and well. What a relief. I hope you manage to relax as much as possible in the run up to Christmas holidays and that you find a good permanent placement that suits your MIL and you and DH in the New Year. Good luck

Hello again! I thought I’d update in case anyone would still find the thread useful.

It’s good news! After a few more months of bouncing between care home, own home and hospital (on a weekly basis - she’d go home, fall immediately, and repeat), MIL is now has a permanent place in a lovely home. We were overly optimistic about sheltered housing - she’s just now too frail for that, and guess what? She doesn’t actually want to look after herself any more. She likes it in the home very much and looks better than she has in years. It’s probably because she is eating and taking her meds! Not to mention not falling over..

She resisted all this for a long time and put us through hell, but she got there. The relief of hearing her say ‘I’m not safe at home, am I?’ was immense. Good on her too for getting there, finally.

We now have the undoubted enormous ball ache of clearing the house (deep dread) and selling it to fund her place, but hey - that’s doable.

I’m now looking forward to getting my DH back, and to MIL being safe and well looked after for the rest of her life.

Solidarity to those going through similar. It’s unimaginably tough. But there can be a good outcome.

That's good to hear @FeralNun. Yes, old people can have a miserable existence in their own homes - often with offspring insisting that they stay put to preserve the inheritance - at very high risk of falls, malnutrition, loneliness. Glad your MIL is finally settled in a suitable environment (my mother was too far gone for sheltered living too). Hopefully the pressure will throttle back now.

This would be exactly what I’d do.

That's great - I agree, it's such a relief when they're somewhere safe and you're not dreading every phone call. I really like what @Holesintheground says about having to make a decision for them and to let go of some of the guilt at them not being entirely happy all the time, that it's somewhat inevitable and to maximise the small moments of happiness. This is much more dementia related so not as relevant to you.

With the house clearing - just don't do it! I hated doing any clearing because I'm so aware of the cellar-of-doom and cupboards-of-dread in my own house and I couldn't bear to expend any decluttering energy elsewhere. So we took the things we wanted, got the auction house to sell anything of value (turned out a lot less value than had always been believed) and house clearance did the rest. We have POA for finance so paid for it out of my mother's accounts.

That's good news!

There are house clearing companies she could pay to clear her house, might save you and your husband an awful job?

That's really good news @FeralNun. Sometimes things don't go wrong, as that poem doesn't say. The occasional time when a course of action works out for the best really means a lot in caring. Hoping your DH feels he is getting some of his life back.

Thanks folks, you are really kind. I hear you on the house clearance!

The inheritance thing was a major worry for her. She wanted to leave everything to her boys, understandably. Neither of them need it or expected it. Peace of mind instead is priceless.

That's wonderful news. Hope my mum has a similar lightbulb moment at some point but is fiercely resistant at present. It's so frustrating when I'm sure she'd be much happier in a good care home than currently just sat in a chair at home all day with only carers and the occasional friend coming in.

I reckon the next generation down (us!) will be competing for places in homes or sheltered accommodation as we can really see the sense in it. I've already told DD that I'll be happy to go into Shady Pines before it's too late (probably easier said than done I know!).
With the house clearance, me and DSis did a three pronged approach

• we went through personal stuff, furniture, pictures, ornaments etc. we gave away obvious things like unopened packets of Tena (Nextdoor)
• we identified stuff for auction
• we got house clearance for the rest

I think you need to a certain amount of sorting yourselves but not all of it. I'm pleased to hear the outcome. Good luck! ☘️

With my MIL place … she had hoards of soups, coffee jars, toilet rolls, fabric softener. I took it to the foodbank section at my local Tesco. I phoned them to see if they wanted the Tena pads. They did.
We kept some stuff. We had the house cleared by professionals. Some stuff went to auction, other things were just disposed of.
I had already taken her clothes to a charity shop.
She had so much stuff.
My Mum was the same. She did not own her property. It was housing association. They offered to empty it. I let them. I kept some photos.
( My mum unfortunately died a short time after a fall. )She took to her bed after the fall. She was taking steroids for Bell’s Palsy. She developed a UTI. That unfortunately ended up with septic shock and multiple organ failure.
We had called 2 ambulances. First one at 3am said panic attack. 2nd one at 10pm said her blood sugar is high. We will take her in. She will be on a general ward in the morning.
She was not in a general ward in the morning.

My Mum was quite stubborn and independent. She fell on the Sunday…I found out about it on the Thursday.

Good news that your husband’s mother has a place and is liking it.

So sorry about your mum. We (society) are not doing this well at all.