MIL constantly falling - we are at our wits end

[FeralNun]

This is mainly a rant, I’ll admit that freely!

MIL widowed this year, has multiple health issues, and is extremely frail. She cannot move safely without a walker, although she thinks she can. Her frequent falls have escalated recently - 4 falls in 5 weeks (that we know of). Hospitalised twice for these falls, and then on Sunday, the paramedics glued her head back together and left her at home. I don’t blame them tbh.

Yesterday she fell again, and this time she’s broken her wrist. So now there is no way she can manage until it’s out of plaster and healed. The lovely nurse is talking about a rehabilitation place in the meantime.

Home is simply no longer viable. She’s got everything / every aid you can imagine l, the alarms, lifeline, the lot. But at the end of the day there are stairs and no downstairs loo.

She won’t be told. She would rather watch DH worry himself to a shadow and drive a 500 mile round trip each time she falls over. He’s had a year of this now, including caring for his dying father 24/7 for 2 months because he was too stubborn for a hospice or carers.

I honestly think my poor DH will die first at this rate.

Ideas/experiences/general advice welcome!

Thank you.

Agreed. Nothing will stop her from falling. Not downstairs bathrooms, not chair lifts, nor beds in sitting rooms.

When elderly people get weak, their legs don’t hold them, they get postural hypotension and positional vertigo - they fall when they stand up, their eyesight is poor so they can’t see level changes or objects on the floor etc.

One of my relatives had several falls in a bungalow.

The only thing that will stop her falling now is care. She needs to be monitored 24/7.

Wow. I will get DH to read this. When he gets off the ceiling. Thank you.

Yes this, really. My mother has fallen due to exactly these things. Usually she just slid to the floor, between chair and her frame. Easy enough to help her up when that happened ( with two people) She has twice fallen backwards, pulling her frame on top of her,resulting in injury. Sorry to say once a person reaches a certain point, all the mobility aids won't help. Though for many years they have kept her living independently. But in my experience ( as a hca) once a person starts falling frequently, it's a slippery slope.
Currently she is walking with a zimmer under the supervision of physiotherapist or nurses. The carers are transporting her to the bathroom on a sara-steady ( commonly used in hospitals and nursing homes) and otherwise she is pushed in a wheelchair. Unfortunately my mother needs constant supervision because she forgets she can't walk, so she will try to do it, and fall.
It does depend on what point of frailty and/or confusion a person has reached, but it's really not straightforward at all!

You are all so kind. So kind, and practical! (apart from the person who told DH to ‘grow a pair’. Ffs).

I am going to reflect, read resources, get my poor darling DH off the ceiling, and re-group.

You have helped. Thank you.

Sending a huge hug. It's really tough! 💐

You might find this website useful, @FeralNun

https://www.yourstride.com/blog/life-expectancy-after-a-fall-in-the-elderly-in-the-uk/

@FeralNun keep us updated if It helps xx

I do like your user name OP...

Just echoing what pps have said - it's not a question of if, but when, your MIL will fall and break her hip/femur/pelvis, and if you read this forum for any length of time, you are all into a new level of nightmare/circle of hell with a hospital admission, trolley wait, the multiple urine infections which seem inevitable, delirium, rehab that doesn't actually help very much, rapidly declining mental/physical heath, mad searches to find a residential or nursing home/ set up a care package for the house...your MIL needs to accept that she needs this care now. I know that she is probably very stubborn, but prevention in this case is most definitely better than cure. My own mother fell three times in her sheltered accommodation, so that's not always the solution. Frail old people fall getting out of bed, over their own feet, over plant pots in the garden...

I worked in elderly care, OP, and it's sadly a very common tale. The chances are that she's dehydrated because she's worrying about getting to the toilet, not taking her meds properly and is scared of moving around so she's getting muscle wastage. It's a vicious downward spiral. But her head is telling herself a different story to her body - be gentle, accepting your own frailty is a tough call. I would talk to the hospital about getting a social worker for her, and go from there.

^^ this is exactly what happened to my gran. Never able to walk unaided again. She wouldn't be told. I just don't understand why there isn't more of a campaign for older people to be more 'aware' of their fragility.
Our hospitals are bursting with old people - many of whom have no clinical reason to be there.

By 70 everyone should have an idea of what adaptation they may need to make to their life or home. But many don't. It's especially annoying for people who have the means to downsize, live somewhere age appropriate but don't. They bury their heads in the sand until it's a crisis without any regard for those who need to care for them. We all need to learn from this.

We have endless guidance on birth and the start of life but none on the end. We must talk about it.

It turned out my DM was OK about falling because she thought she'd just die quickly from a head injury.

When I pointed out it was far more likely that she'd end up not dead but with an unfixable disability that she had to live with for years she got on board more.

However I try not to 'parent' her except when she is off the scale self-sabotaging.

Frail old people fall getting out of bed...

Oh yes, that's how my mum broke her hip.

She was never able to spend another night in her home - the home that meant everything to her and for which she sacrificed so much. She literally cut down on food and heating, just so she could live in the house in which she brought up her children.

Her last year of life was beyond distressing. I'll spare you the details, but trust me, you don't want this for your relatives, or for yourself.

I don’t see that older people necessarily need to downsize. Surely all you need is a down stairs toilet. I am in my early 70s. I am not going to downsize because I have visitors. My grandchildren stay very often. Quite a few of the people in my street are older than me and manage fine. One very old lady has a live in carer and the fact that she hasn’t downsized means that the live in carer has their own bedroom and sitting room. You can always fit a stairlift.

Early 70s isn't old really but I agree with the poster you quoted in saying that it's the best time to make adaptations, get rid of things like over-bath showers, install anti slip flooring in bathrooms and kitchens, install a downstairs toilet etc. But a lot of people on pensions wouldn't have the money to do this. Adapting homes to reduce risk would save the social care system a lot of money in the long run.

Brava! I couldn’t agree with you more.

Much of my own work is centred on menopause, because back in the day, it was the unspoken issue. Now it seems even more urgent to speak about getting old. Accepting that it will happen, making plans, aiming for a good old age. Not wanting your children to suffer unnecessarily.

I agree with much of what you say but not the age. My DH is not far off 66 and very fit and able. He cycles about 6 to 7 miles every day. He is unlikely to be in elderly need anywhere near 70. Meanwhile, I am 59 and do not keep well after 40 years working life. I think it depends on your genes and upbringing to some extent.

I had a very similar situation as of late, with my DD. He had mobility issues and was living alone in a ground floor flat with all the adaptations, carers in 3 times a day, yet was falling almost daily. He had the fall alarm pendant, which would go off, notify an ambulance and my and my sister, 80% of the time he would be taken to hospital where he would spend 1-3 days, then released again.. this cycle went on for a year. Me and my sister were at our wits end, and we live very close to my father.
Eventually, we established that for as long as we kept going running, and picking up the pieces, the less social services intervened.
Eventually, during one hospital admission, we said we can't do it anymore. They HAD to come up with a discharge plan which meant he was safe, and they wanted to, because hospital staff were raising concerns with the multiple admissions. They placed him into a residential home for a short period, the falls STOPPED. They then took him back out, sure enough, the falls started again. And just as frequent, hospital multiple times a week. They eventually placed him into a care home for a longer period of time, 8 weeks, they then tried to move him back home which we appealed. The proof was in the pudding. In those 8 weeks, not 1 fall and not one hospital admission. We won the appeal, he now resides there full time and is thriving. My dad isn't elderly, he's in his 60's. But he knew it was the best thing for him, he was miserable spending hours upon hours on a cold floor waiting for an ambulance crew to arrive and being in and out of hospital. BUT it did take a while to get there with him.
As difficult as it is, I'd advise your DH to stop going running. If she's being too stubborn, she has to deal with the consequences and so do social services. There is little he can do, besides run him self raggered in the meantime, which isn't helping nether party. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

It worked for me and my sister. We have our lives back, my DD is happy and healthy, the nhs is being blocked up by nuisance call outs or hospital beds taken up. It was a win win. X

@GranPepper I do t think it matters how fit you are, you should still make plans. The sad reality is that you just don't know what is ahead. My mil is 80 and bright as a spark with no issues. my dad is 74 and has dementia- the years he has of independence can be measured on on hand. He also has a heart condition but he was as fit as a fiddle for years, ran, played golf, squash.... always on the move. His mother (my gran I posted about) has only been dead for 8 years.

You are better to make plans while you are able to do so.

I like the idea of the 'Swedish death clean'. That's one easy way you can help when you are still fit. Get rid of all the sH@t you don't need so your kids don't have to.

Old age now can now last 40years and no one talks about it. There's no decent guide out there about what happens as you age and what to expect. I hope when I'm old it will change. I'd like to live in some sort of commune!

I completely agree with you about people over 70 making plans for the future years. I have osteoporosis and live alone. What I would like to do is to move into an apartment so everything is on one level, there's a walk-in shower, a lift, maybe a balcony. What really puts me off are the leasehold charges. I live on my own and I just can't afford to be in a position where the annual charges are raised to such a level that I can't sell and I can't stay. There was a piece about it in today's Guardian that was absolutely terrifying.

It's actually really frightening me as my lovely home now isn't going to be suitable for me in the future and I can't think where the hell will be.

We are 65 and living in a house that is too big and will be totally unsuitable if we develop any mobility issues - very rural, very old, narrow twisty stairs and only accessible up a footpath. Our plan is to move next year and to look at our longer term needs e.g. downstairs loo and shower, stairs that could accommodate a stairs lift etc. We are well aware that one day in her mid 70s apparently fit and healthy MIL walked into town, met friends for coffee etc and in the afternoon had a catastrophic stroke that that left her severely disabled and completely dependent. But we are also aware from experience that even living in a small bungalow won't stop falls once you lose strength in your legs.

What I would like to do is to move into an apartment so everything is on one level, there's a walk-in shower, a lift, maybe a balcony. What really puts me off are the leasehold charges. I live on my own and I just can't afford to be in a position where the annual charges are raised to such a level that I can't sell and I can't stay.

Look into LA housing. Some estates are lovely and service charges are much lower than in private blocks.

You are right and the lack of suitable housing is a huge part of the problem. It really annoys me how many developers are delivering countless student houses but none for older people. The government needs to regulate service charges. We looked a ground floor flat in London where the service charges were £400 a month! I bet most of that is for the management company! There needs to be action from the top!

It depends on the particular layout of the house I guess, but my mother doesn;t have a problem with hers. She has two frames, one for upstairs and one for downstairs. The seats of chairlifts swivel through 90 degrees (either manually on the cheaper versions or automatically on more expensive models) so you walk in the frame to the bottom of the stair lift, rotate seat, sit down, rotate, use the lift and then rotate and get up and start using the frame left at the top of the stairs.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. Try and stay connected to compassion rather than blame. Imagine you've lost your husband and you can see your own health failing, it must so awful to add the potential to lose your home into the mix as well. It's like there is nothing left of her old life that she loved and everything is quickly disappearing... including her sense of self probably. Her independence as she sees it is all that's left.

Legally if she is able to make decisions for herself it doesn't matter if they are unwise or impacting on anyone else's wellbeing. Safeguarding isn't a thing for someone who knows what's going on but is making their informed decisions about what's best for them.

I know you're not looking for advice but our local Carers UK and Age UK have excellent resources and support for families.

@GranPepper it can change in a moment though at any age. Better to do the planning earlier rather than later.

In the last three months two 60-something men and one 50-something man I know have gone from being incredibly fit and healthy, cycling miles every day, two working (one with small children at home) to heart surgery after a heart attack. Two had stents and were home relatively quickly. One was in hospital for weeks, open heart surgery and then also had a stroke.