DFIL Has Dementia & DMIL Just Died

[WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe]

I've name changed for this as I suppose this is really going to be a bit of a rant.
DFIL is 91 and has dementia and has deteriorated quite a lot in the last 3 months. He was at home with DMIL - who spent a lot of time moaning about it but would not accept help or support or consider a care home for him.
I noticed the signs about 5 years ago, but H, BIL and MIL would not hear it. They finally agreed to look into it 18months ago and he was quickly diagnosed. They would not activate the Power of Attorney either, saying they would do it when they felt it was time rather than getting everything in hand for when it was needed.
Over the last few months he has started wandering at night, became doubly incontinent and the sundowning was getting worse. Managed to convince MIL that he at least needed a morning carer to help get him up, showered and dressed.
This has continued until about 2 months ago when she finally decided she couldn't cope and wouldn't have extra carers in, so that left the only option being a care home - which was definitely the best option for DFIL.
During all this time, DH would not engage at all, BIL visited at weekends to take them out.Neither would take responsibility for making sure their parents were safe, secure and content. I work only 10 minutes away from them. DH works from home and is also 10 minutes away (we own our own business so going over was never an issue). The distress calls arrived every morning by 9.30am and neither of them would visit or help sort out their issues. As I couldn’t see them struggle that much it all fell to me.

They all finally agreed that DFIL probably needed to be cared for out of the home so a 28 day care home assessment was arranged for him. However, 1 day before this, MIL died suddenly at home. DFIL carer found her.

They have both basically abdicated all responsibility for dealing with any of this as they “cannot cope” with it. They would not even tell him that his wife of 60 years had died. I did this and whilst he now does not remember he did need to know at the time.
I have dealt with paramedics, coroner, funeral director, care home and told everyone who needed to know.I have booked the appointments to register the death and arrange the funeral with the funeral director and vicar.Today I have told them they must do this together and I will not be going with them – I actually do have to be at work that day which will be hard to rearrange. I just think that much as I loved her dearly she is not my parent and I do not want to do anymore and being in their mid-50s they both need to get on with it. All they say is they don’t know what to do (nor do I really as when my DM died she had sorted everything out beforehand).
The house also needs to be emptied and sold to fund DFILs care now. My H has flatly refused to get involved as he can’t cope and DBIL who is helping spent 5 hours going through one drawer (it was him who wanted to start the process) and the donkey work is again being left to me.

Thanks if you’ve read this far. I needed that rant. I love my ILs greatly, they accepted me totally into their family when I met DH, but I cannot and will not do it all for H and BIL (there is no “D” at the moment).

Just step back and they’ll HAVE to cope. Stop picking up the reins when they drop them.

You sound like a saint op and they are all lucky to have you even if they don't know it, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

I have little sympathy with people who declare they "can't" cope with these things when they can cope with the more palatable bits of life. They could cope, they just really don't want to and so rely on someone else picking up the slack. I think you should start stepping back, even if it is hard to do. x

Step back. Stop doing their donkey work. They'll find a way to step up when they have to do so.

You have been amazing. Now your FIL is safe step right back. Give your H & BIL a list of outstanding appointments (more for the people they should be meeting) and then nothing more.

Sorry for your loss OP, you were clearly very fond of her.

I can't believe you've had to do so much for the two men-children who are her actual offspring, or that they left breaking the news of her death to THEIR father to you!

Do not get involved with the house, at all. It's a gruelling job, I've just done it. No way would I even have expected anyone else to help. (Grandchildren maybe. Not inlaws.) It's their family home. If they won't step up, tell them you will arrange a house clearance, which I'm sure they don't want. And don't, ffs, let your husband fill your house/attic/garage with boxes of sentimental clutter. Your husband and his brother are clearly able to hold down jobs where they wfh, they must have some degree of administrative ability! They can handle an estate agent, a sale and the legal process. They can fill out the care home financial assessment forms too surely.

I would not be fucking having that behaviour. Even if you could excuse it as grief (which it seems not as they behaved the same historically) they cannot abdicate all responsibility to you.

And if you continue to let them this is exactly what they will do. If I were you I would be going away for a week or two and leaving them to it.

I very much doubt they will be able to step up and sort the house out.
There are companies that will do this for you - I'd suggest they collect all significant paperwork and memorable items they want to keep and get someone in to do the rest.
It's a gruelling job if you're feeling resilient enough. I suspect your husband is really struggling right now.
Don't feel the need to take up all the slack but do get some help in.

All of this. They sound a bit pathetic. Grown men acting like children.

The answer is that they have to cope. Being an adult means dealing with very difficult circumstances. Don't do it, don't allow them to coerce you into taking on the task.
Just ignore them. Sorry to be blunt, but I think they need to have a bit of a wake up call. It's their responsibility.

Well obviously if you do it for them ,they are going to let you .
You have no one to be angry at except yourself
Just stop
You managed to sort out what was needed for your mum
Your dh is an adult and perfectly capable of sorting out his parents
He just isn't , because your doing it

Agree with all the others. Let them cope. It's pathetic, despite their grieving,that they are not doing anything. I lost my husband when he was 50 ....I had to cope...lost my mum 2 years ago...I had to get on with it. Dad now failing a bit do dealing with this and trying to get my younger brother on board. You've been a saint.

If you keep doing all the work then they never will. It's as simple as that.
Just stand back and and let it fall to them, or fall into chaos.
Very few people really know what to do when someone dies, and many of us have found coping in these situations to be really, really difficult .
But guess what? We manage to do it somehow.

They are being massively pathetic. It will be hard for you as you've been so kind already, but these two big man children have to learn.

I'm sorry to hear that your dmil has died. I'm even sorrier that you are being shafted by her sons into arranging her funeral and everything else. Step back, tell them it's their responsibility and ignore the bleating you will hear. It's not attractive and it's pathetic that two grown men don't have the wherewithal to deal with this. I'm having to do everything for my mum who is in hospital and didn't do power of attorney, so I've had to apply for guardianship before I can arrange a care home for her. My brother has done nothing and refuses to help out. He will make passive aggressive comments when I make decisions but I ignore him. You don't need to make decisions. It's not your mum.

You’re a saint for putting up with lazy arse DH and BIL.

Where DFIL now? Is he in a care home?

Funeral director and vicar will hand hold them through planning the funeral and they have internet access. I would leave that but to them. If they haven’t even got a date for the funeral then it’s too early to sort the house. When’s it’s time I would suggest they take out the bits each want, use a charity which does house clearance (BHF) get an estate agents who does the viewing and use an estate agent who does all the viewings, solictor to do probabte.

They needs to start stepping up.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have done so much to honour your inlaws but, as others have said, it is time to step away and let your BIL and husband deal with it.

Losing a parent is incredibly painful and dealing with the house, possessions etc is mentally and physically gruelling. This cannot all land on your shoulders.

My answer when an adult says they don't know what to do in this sort of situation is to tell them thank goodness for Google and leave them to it.

All this is only falling on you because you are doing it! Just say NO. It is not your job.

I admit I did the bulk of all this when my FIL died, but I did it happily and voluntarily because my OH was a very busy GP and I had more time. But if I had said no he would simply have got on with it.

Echoing everyone else

Google a “what to do when someone dies” checklist, tick off all the things you have already done and send it to them saying you have done more than your share and it’s now over to them.

Does not bode well for you if you ever need care from your DH.

You need to step back and leave them to it. It's an important part of the grieving process. I also reckon you'll get blamed for all sorts down the road if you do continue to organise things.

Your ILs have been very lucky that you married into their family. I understand that when it came to taking care of the actual people, you couldn't stand by, but now MIL is gone and FIL is safe and cared for, I think you step back and let them get on with it, or not get on with it, whatever they choose. They sound a remarkably pathetic pair of individuals, so I understand your annoyance completely, but I would nevertheless leave it completely up to them. Like all other adults, they will just have to cope.

I would also be thinking about your own future, because your useless husband is obviously not going to do anything.

@WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe your user name is very apt.

As long as you step up your DH and BIL will let you do it. It’s feigned incompetence to get out of doing something they don’t want to do. A 5 minute Google provides lots of links on what to do when someone dies, how to plan a funeral, suitable readings etc. There is no reason they can’t do this.

Not being available due to work or other reasons is your best tactic.

Your H and his brother have behaved disgracefully, leaving their elderly mother and you to struggle on when it should be them stepping up.
I'm sorry this would be relationship ending for me, he a disgrace and has been for several years by the sound of it.

Is FIL in a care home now? And do you have power of attorney for him? Did your MIL leave a will, and who is executor? Is the house jointly owned?

Because if FIL is now sole owner of the house and you don't have power of attorney but he doesn't have capacity to act on his own behalf, I am afraid you are in for a long, tedious and possibly expensive legal process to sort out the mess before you can do anything. And by 'you', I mean your DH and BIL, who really need to step up and take responsibility.