DFIL Has Dementia & DMIL Just Died

[WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe]

I've name changed for this as I suppose this is really going to be a bit of a rant.
DFIL is 91 and has dementia and has deteriorated quite a lot in the last 3 months. He was at home with DMIL - who spent a lot of time moaning about it but would not accept help or support or consider a care home for him.
I noticed the signs about 5 years ago, but H, BIL and MIL would not hear it. They finally agreed to look into it 18months ago and he was quickly diagnosed. They would not activate the Power of Attorney either, saying they would do it when they felt it was time rather than getting everything in hand for when it was needed.
Over the last few months he has started wandering at night, became doubly incontinent and the sundowning was getting worse. Managed to convince MIL that he at least needed a morning carer to help get him up, showered and dressed.
This has continued until about 2 months ago when she finally decided she couldn't cope and wouldn't have extra carers in, so that left the only option being a care home - which was definitely the best option for DFIL.
During all this time, DH would not engage at all, BIL visited at weekends to take them out.Neither would take responsibility for making sure their parents were safe, secure and content. I work only 10 minutes away from them. DH works from home and is also 10 minutes away (we own our own business so going over was never an issue). The distress calls arrived every morning by 9.30am and neither of them would visit or help sort out their issues. As I couldn’t see them struggle that much it all fell to me.

They all finally agreed that DFIL probably needed to be cared for out of the home so a 28 day care home assessment was arranged for him. However, 1 day before this, MIL died suddenly at home. DFIL carer found her.

They have both basically abdicated all responsibility for dealing with any of this as they “cannot cope” with it. They would not even tell him that his wife of 60 years had died. I did this and whilst he now does not remember he did need to know at the time.
I have dealt with paramedics, coroner, funeral director, care home and told everyone who needed to know.I have booked the appointments to register the death and arrange the funeral with the funeral director and vicar.Today I have told them they must do this together and I will not be going with them – I actually do have to be at work that day which will be hard to rearrange. I just think that much as I loved her dearly she is not my parent and I do not want to do anymore and being in their mid-50s they both need to get on with it. All they say is they don’t know what to do (nor do I really as when my DM died she had sorted everything out beforehand).
The house also needs to be emptied and sold to fund DFILs care now. My H has flatly refused to get involved as he can’t cope and DBIL who is helping spent 5 hours going through one drawer (it was him who wanted to start the process) and the donkey work is again being left to me.

Thanks if you’ve read this far. I needed that rant. I love my ILs greatly, they accepted me totally into their family when I met DH, but I cannot and will not do it all for H and BIL (there is no “D” at the moment).

Hugs OP. You have done enough, and you have been saying for years that it needed to be dealt with.

what happens if you just stop, does it impact FIL at all?

Thanks for all of your messages. You're all absolutely right and I will be having a word tonight. Thankfully the Power of Attorney is now activated (they had one of the old style ones), their wills are straight forward. Thankfully there is no probate as it all goes to DFIL. He is safe and comfortable in the assessment care home but can only stay for 4 weeks so they've got to look at alternatives for his care. He's the kindest, most gentle man I have think I have ever met and all he wants to do is find his wife of 60 years, from whom he was hardly ever apart - it's heartbreaking.

Step back and drop the reins op. They need to get on with it and they won’t if you keep doing it. This is not your responsibility. So stop

Tell them you can't cope either. Step back and leave them to do the rest. You have been more than patient with both DH and BiL. Hopefully FiL will be put into a good home and cared for well.

Stop! Just STOP doing everything for these pathetic men-children!!

Tell them that you have done everything you can or are willing to do, so over to them now. THEY step up for THEIR own parents just as you did for your mother. You can play a background supporting role if you wish, but FFS stop letting them take the piss.

None of us knew really how to organise funerals or care homes before the first time we were confronted with it, but we managed because we had to, as most people (women or men) do. There are funeral directors, vicars, priests, celebrants and registrars of births and deaths who can direct them. That's how most of us got on with it. There's also Google.

Just leave them to it. They'll soon realise that they will have to get the house sold when the care home begins asking when/how their fees are going to be paid (leave that to them too).

They will have to clear the house. Do not let DH just bring all the stuff back and cram it into your house. A few nice items each as memorabilia, but make them get a house clearance firm in for all the rest. That's something you might well have to hold firm on if you don't want to end up under an avalanche of stuff.

They can do it. They are just choosing not to because you are stepping up. Stop.

It sounds like everything is sorted for the minute, inheritance is simple, DFIL is in the care home, obviously can't go home, so they will have to find a permanent place. DFIL owns the house and contents so no need to do anything urgently, except make sure it is insured if no one is living there.

Sit down with DH a BIL and tell them they are now in charge, you have done your bit, got it all on an even keel now it's up to them. Carry on visiting DFIL as a friend and because you like him, all the rest of it step back, they can cope, all the really important things are done DMIL is at peace, DFIL is being cared for everything else is up to the sons.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, my in laws are/were also really lovely so I can totally understand why you felt you couldn't leave them. I spent a lot of time on the phone to my mother in law last year while my father in law was terminally ill although I am a long way from her with primary aged children and no local family so couldn't be there very much in person. In your situation though it sounds like your DFIL won't be aware of what is happening with the house or the funeral so it's ok to let those aspects go for the sons to sort out or not as they choose (unless you would personally find it helpful to choose readings or similar for the funeral for your own grief process). I wish you all the best.

They are grown adults they can do it now.
You done your bit.
Give them age concern helpline number

What exactly do these two think will happen at the end of the four weeks? do they even care? shameful behaviour
My DP had to become the carer for his 92 yr GF as his fit and able father would not do more than a once a week 10 min visit( even though he lived on the same street)

Good.

I know DH and BIL should figure it out for themsleves but I would be tempted to you say you can’t do any of the organisation but you will help them sort the to do list and at the top needs to be sorting DFIL care. They need to find a care home which is suitable for him now and in the future, which will include end of life care.

This is bringing back memories of handling my deceased great aunt’s house and furnishings and the utter emotional incontinence of her nephew when asked to go through some drawers. Hours later he had barely made it through some photos while I and a less closely related female cousin were powering through all the tasks we had accepted.

These self indulgent weepy prats need to get over themselves. Difficult tasks still need to get done!

Sorry for your loss, Op.
Going forward with lovely DFiL, now that you've told him once and he has learned about her death, every time he asks about DMiL just tell him that she is staying with her sister or off at the supermarket. Often a little white lie is the kindest way. This is what was advised by hospital staff when my DF died unexpectedly and DM was actually under section in the same hospital.

Just stop doing it. They’re not doing it because you are. It’s not your job, none of it was. All of this stress for you can stop- just don’t do it anymore.

That is heart breaking, OP, and I am so sorry.

We had to tell my Dad (with dementia) that Mum had died...and every day he was looking for her and asking about her.

It is hard for your DH and BIL to lose a parent, but they have each other -they have to support each other through it as a team.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I feel this needs to be said.

As an adult in his 50s whose mother was most likely in her mid - late 80s if she had a 91yo husband, it is self-indulgent in the extreme to be behaving this way with the death of an extremely aged parent and foist all of the work involved onto your wife. I think the OPs husband and brother in law are behaving disgracefully.

they aren't 14 and nobody's death in their late 80s comes as a horrific shock that should be sending their middle aged children into meltdown. They are doing it because they can. Just stop doing it, op.

'DH/DBIL why not get a house clearing company in to relieve you of this burden. Of course they will profit from the sale of the contents ,but as it's too much for you both,maybe it's for the best. '
That'll put a rocket up them.

Just curious about what kind of role OP's husband plays in the business they own. I would have thought anyone self-employed like this would have assumed the responsibility for the admin quite readily. Please don't tell us that you do all his paperwork too...

@WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe Depending on asset type, savings, investments and property ownership, Probate may be needed. It shouldn't be assumed that everything just transfers across.

Also, I agree with everyone else. Step back and leave your husband and brother to sort out the house. As Attorneys for your FIL and presumably also Executors, it is their legal responsibility to deal with.

I would seriously be reconsidering my marriage if my husband dumped all of this on me

Good advice above OP from many posters.

Just here to give hugs to you and your lovely FIL.

I'm afraid I would have lost a lot of respect for "d"h and "d"bil. You're a saint but you need to reassess your boundaries and reassess your future for your own wellbeing.

Hugs

It sounds like now he has 4 weeks of residential care these men in the family who were leaving it all to you (very typical) will have time to sort things out now. This reminded me of the news today that Timonthy West (90, actor) has died leaving his wife of 60 years Prunella Scales in the family home who has dementia.
My late father died after our mother but then got dementia. Luckily for him his physical health gave out after a year or two of having care at home and he died in the house.

You have done so well and even if he is unable to realise I bet the father in law does know what you have done and I am glad you did tell him about his wife as even if you have to tell him regularly she has died someone had to tell him - he has a right to know. My father who was a doctor thought his carers at home were a team of nurses working for him which was quite a nice delusion really so it could have been worse. Sometimes you just have to play along with it to keep the person happy.

Same here
Brother did absolutely nothing for either of our parents alive or after death
Couldn’t understand it
My cousins had the same she did it all and her brother…nothing

My brother even moaned he didn’t like the funeral flowers I chose
No help whatsoever emptying the house even though I couldn’t lift heavy stuff and l live hours away and he was 20 minutes up the road.

I gave up last minute and he was moving the ladt of the furniture as the new buyers were moving in, all the while shouting messages down my phone asking why I can’t help.
Years on my own doing everything and his lack of respect for my parents ( he suggested just chucking their cats out and let them find someone local to feed them 🥲🥲 ) processions was sickening.

Leave them to it now!
If you start they will do nothing

That's so heartbreaking. Your care for him shine through your words. It's beautiful.

What a pathetic man you have married. It doesn't bode well for you should you need care at any point in time. Do his good qualities outweigh such pathetic wormlike behaviour and your inability to count on him should you become unwell?

In a NAMALT moment, DBro does more than half of what is needed for DM’s admin and splitting the funeral and care home stuff for DF was 50/50

Not to boast, but to note that a penis doesn’t prevent participation!