DFIL Has Dementia & DMIL Just Died

[WhyIsItAlwaysDownToMe]

I've name changed for this as I suppose this is really going to be a bit of a rant.
DFIL is 91 and has dementia and has deteriorated quite a lot in the last 3 months. He was at home with DMIL - who spent a lot of time moaning about it but would not accept help or support or consider a care home for him.
I noticed the signs about 5 years ago, but H, BIL and MIL would not hear it. They finally agreed to look into it 18months ago and he was quickly diagnosed. They would not activate the Power of Attorney either, saying they would do it when they felt it was time rather than getting everything in hand for when it was needed.
Over the last few months he has started wandering at night, became doubly incontinent and the sundowning was getting worse. Managed to convince MIL that he at least needed a morning carer to help get him up, showered and dressed.
This has continued until about 2 months ago when she finally decided she couldn't cope and wouldn't have extra carers in, so that left the only option being a care home - which was definitely the best option for DFIL.
During all this time, DH would not engage at all, BIL visited at weekends to take them out.Neither would take responsibility for making sure their parents were safe, secure and content. I work only 10 minutes away from them. DH works from home and is also 10 minutes away (we own our own business so going over was never an issue). The distress calls arrived every morning by 9.30am and neither of them would visit or help sort out their issues. As I couldn’t see them struggle that much it all fell to me.

They all finally agreed that DFIL probably needed to be cared for out of the home so a 28 day care home assessment was arranged for him. However, 1 day before this, MIL died suddenly at home. DFIL carer found her.

They have both basically abdicated all responsibility for dealing with any of this as they “cannot cope” with it. They would not even tell him that his wife of 60 years had died. I did this and whilst he now does not remember he did need to know at the time.
I have dealt with paramedics, coroner, funeral director, care home and told everyone who needed to know.I have booked the appointments to register the death and arrange the funeral with the funeral director and vicar.Today I have told them they must do this together and I will not be going with them – I actually do have to be at work that day which will be hard to rearrange. I just think that much as I loved her dearly she is not my parent and I do not want to do anymore and being in their mid-50s they both need to get on with it. All they say is they don’t know what to do (nor do I really as when my DM died she had sorted everything out beforehand).
The house also needs to be emptied and sold to fund DFILs care now. My H has flatly refused to get involved as he can’t cope and DBIL who is helping spent 5 hours going through one drawer (it was him who wanted to start the process) and the donkey work is again being left to me.

Thanks if you’ve read this far. I needed that rant. I love my ILs greatly, they accepted me totally into their family when I met DH, but I cannot and will not do it all for H and BIL (there is no “D” at the moment).

This. They are able to sit and flap because they know someone else will do it. With kindness, either accept the task and do it, or refuse like them. Just stop. I’m assuming FIL is now in the home? They will push for what is required. Not actually your circus, OP.

I’m sorry for your loss

For me and DD he can't do enough, so no worries on that score. I'm just really disappointed in both of them burying their heads in the sand over their parents.

Words have been had with H and he is now on board. Has the tears and "I can't cope and don't want to accept it". I finally pointed out that he gave me no assistance when my DM died. And he's pulled himself together.

They both now know I am not going to register her death or sort the funeral arrangements. DMIL paid for a very basic cremation package but they want a church service so I am not getting involved in that. Particularly as me and the church do not get on.

Thanks for the kick up the bum and making me realise that what I was thinking was OK.

Well done OP!

It sounds like you've done really well to be kind but firm in a stressful situation. I hope you can now grieve for your DMIL without doing all the running around too.

Sounds like a good outcome OP. Look after yourself.

You sound lovely. But it’s really not your responsibility. Sure, you can support and help them but it shouldn’t all be on you.

Great update, glad it’s getting sorted and your DH is stepping up.

This sums it up perfectly. They can't cope because they know you will step up so they don't have to. They need to put on their big boy pants on.

Good on you OP. Keep out of the aftermath with house clearance and sale too.
it may be cathartic for DH and BIL to do this and will help with accepting their loss and starting the grieving process

Good for you OP.

Well done OP.
And make sure you don't take on anything else.
After all you've already done hugely more than your DH did for you and your DM when the shoe was on the other foot. Think about that if you get (even implicitly) emotionally blackmailed going forward.

This! Unfortunately they will only learn by you stepping back and letting them get on with it.

Well done! H and BIL have been behaving disgracefully. “I can’t cope” means “I can’t be bothered, I’ll let the servant deal with it”. Competent adults HAVE to cope, even in distressing situations.
Him not helping when your DM died makes it even worse.
Facing up to it and getting on with arranging the practical things is likely to help him - much more than denial and saying he can’t cope.

Well done, op.

You've done far more than your fair share. I think it shows the mutual love and respect there was between you and your ILs. But from this point on, it's your H and BLs job to manage.