I feel so sad that my elderly mum's best friend has abandoned her in her hour of need.

[TuesdaysgreyandWednesdaytoo]

My lovely kind mum has been suffering with Alzheimer's for the last 6 years. As is with this wicked disease she is getting worse but still remembers us all and listens to our conversations, she will try her best to join in and does well although sometimes her replies can be a little nonsensical but she really does try her best.

Mum is 81 and although she has no siblings as she is an only child she has a best friend (I will call her Joan). Joan and mum have been friends since the age of 5. They grew up together and although Joan married at a young age mum got on well with them both and when my dad came along a few years later the four became firm friends. We would spend weekends with them and their children and when we all grew up they would still see each other most weekends and holiday together.

Tbh, my sister and I have never quite warmed to Joan, in our opinion she has always bossed mum around, is very opinionated and domineering but mum has always liked her and that is all that mattered.

However, since mum's disease has set in, Joan and her husband have appeared to have distanced themselves from mum and dad. She calls once a week but always makes excuses when dad suggests they come over or they meet at a local cafe etc. I totally understand that dementia is a scary disease and non of us want to watch a loved one deteriorate from such an evil illness but what upsets my dad the most is the way Joan seems to relish in telling my dad all about a new couple they have become friends with and then proceeds to tell my dad about all the new places they visit with this new couple. It is really upsetting my poor dad and he feels she is punishing them both for mum developing dementia!

It is obvious that Joan does not want to see mum anymore and on the few occasions they have popped round she doesn't even talk to mum (I was there the last time and it seemed as though she could barely set eyes on my poor lovely mum, it boiled my blood tbh).

I don't know what I expect from wiring this down but life is so bloody hard dealing with a parent with dementia and then watching the healthy one go downhill too because of the stress of it all and friends then jumping ship from this hell hole really stings. I am in my 50's and I have been with my bf since we were 5, I just could not imagine abandoning her when she needs me the most.

I’m so sorry, OP, it must be very hard for your parents. 💐. Unfortunately, I’ve also seen this with people when someone is ill (regardless of the illness), some friends can’t deal with it and keep away. It’s not nice and Joan sounds self-absorbed prattling on about her social life.

Different situation, but my auntie’s partner loves to talk about all the walking and climbing he does to my Dad (86) who now has poor mobility and uses a walking frame! He knows full well that Dad also used to love walking and rambling, but he’s another self-absorbed person ( can you tell that I’m not particularly fond of him :-)

Yes, unfortunately I do have experience of them. They sense vulnerability like a shark smells blood in the water. Avoid them.
hugs to you @Tittat50 xx

The older I get and having witnessed my MIL recently dying and now facing my mum's terminal illness I am amazed just how many are like this.

Poor mil always prided herself on having such great siblings but as soon as her cancer became terminal they were nowhere to be seen. None likes to face disease and death and I totally understand that but it still stings when they run for the hills once things turn.

Dreadful to think there are so many who are completely blind to other people's struggles. Such short-sightedness. Your poor dad.

This isn't a dementia thing OP, it's a disability thing. People want to hang out with like-minded individuals who are willing and able to go to the same places they want to go and do the same things they want to do. When you can't do that, people drop you. It doesn't matter what the disability is. Nobody is popping by for tea and a chat any more, especially if they never did that before. People suck. It's life. There's nobody in a care home with dementia being visited by an army of friends they've had for years because they still care about them, it just doesn't happen. I'd stop answering the phone to Joan, she's an ex friend now and she's made new healthy friends to hang out with. If course that's exciting for her, although it will come across as insensitive, but I'm guessing she doesn't want to have nonsensical conversation or talk about the state of your mum's health etc, so she's sharing her own good news. I'm not sure what else there is to do if she doesn't want to end up in the role of compassionate listening support ear for your dad as your mum's condition progresses. Honestly, I think most friendships are driven by convenience and once they no longer are, they fizzle out. I think we're all on our own these days. Our spouses and DC might help and care for us in our hour of need, if we're lucky, but that's it. "Society" as a compassionate and cohesive entity similar to a family, doesn't really exist any more, if it ever did.

With all due respect though, that's how her son and his family is how they would describe "Pat" who I talked about in an earlier post. She's still living alone, absolute charm itself to her son and his wife and manages politeness to her carers. But with my MIL, who is her oldest friend, she feels safe to release the anxiety and terror she is feeling about knowing she is slipping away. She also wants the reassurance of interaction and so pushes attention away then desperately craves it afterwards, hence the poor behaviour when they meet then the multiple phone calls afterwards. Her son is in total denial about her behaviour because he doesn't see it (and is deeply biased as he somehow holds my MIL responsible).

@TuesdaysgreyandWednesdaytoo Tbh, I’ve known him for 30 years and always thought he was an arrogant pratt, he knows everything about everything. 🤣
We’re nice to him for my auntie’s sake, but I wish she’d trade him in for a new model.

Agree - and @AllThatEverWas your mum will be having to adapt to doing more day by day because your dad forgets things. Like putting the bins out or making her a cup of tea when he’s said he will. That will be taking her energy too, as well as constant worry over his deterioration.

(DM lived with DF’s dementia for a few years before he had to go into a home)

I totally understand people's fear when confronted with illness and disease but I just couldn't do this to anyone I love or was close to and going by some of the replies on here I'm starting to fear old age.
How can people by so callous and use such excuses for seeing people when they need them the most.

I actually think it's natural. Not nice, but many things in nature aren't nice.

Friend was telling me about a documentary with a sad, emaciated elderly lion, no herd, couldn't catch the antelope grazing a few meters away so didn't even try. Just slowly starving to death. Where were all the other lions? Why were none of them feeding it?

Same with the antelope when another lion comes along to hunt one down. Do any of them piggy back the old, babies, sick or lame? Nope. The babies will generally be herded into the centre with prey animal species, because they're the future of the species so it's instinctive to try to not let them get eaten. Basically though, they're all running away as fast as they can and whoever lags behind is who gets eaten, Then the others crack on with life, because they can and need to, what with every living thing being programmed to survive.

Why should humans be any different? We're supposedly more evolved but maybe that's just a lie we like to tell ourselves 🤷

I am sorry. It is hurtful, but not uncommon with disability to find your social circle shrink.

It's hurtful.

Your poor family. Please remember it's not always personal, some people really struggle to see loved ones unwell. Sadly those impacted most are the ones who are also suffering the most.

The chit chat about new friends isn't okay.

Your mum is lucky to have a daughter who cares enough to be angry for her.

Best wishes.

We are having a similar issue with my mum. Pre dementia she was an incredibly social lady with lots of friends. Always going out of her way to help people. Now she has very few friends who bother with her. She has noticed and would never have behaved like this if the roles were reversed. It makes me feel incredibly sad. She may not have much conversation left but she still loves seeing people

Joan is a dick, hopefully your mum and dad will cut contact. There are some selfish horrors out there. When my mum became ill and then died it was interesting to see who stepped up.

@WowIlikereallyhateyou

...after she has visited all she has done is ring me and give me a hard time saying I should give up my job/home/ pets to look after my mum, when i am at breaking point trying to keep all of the plates in the air! She is an absolute cow of a woman. Horrible.

Please stop taking her calls. You don't need to listen to that shit.

She's scared she might have to do something. That's why she's guilt tripping

Tuesdaysgreyand Wednesdaystoo
Isn’t it dreadful how best friends or family abandon people in their darkest times? No one wants to see people they love, waste away from a dreadful disease or lose their mental capacity through dementia. It is heartbreaking.
Of course visiting is emotional and painful but it’s the right thing to do.
it is uncomfortable, the conversations can be stilted and repetitive but my God the person is still here, alive and needing you.

@TuesdaysgreyandWednesdaytoo I think people have also been like this. Ten years ago my Mum died. She was housebound for the last six or so years of her life, so 16 plus years ago.

I cannot remember her ever having a visitor during her last years except for me my sister and my adult child.

Yet the crematorium was full. She's spent half her life as a local councillor, so was well known in the place she lived.

I felt like asking those attending where they'd been in the last six years? And why they thought she deserved their attention now, but not when she was alive?

It's no use, though. Human nature is what it is. We don't want to see what we almost certainly will become, if we live long enough. So we avoid those who are exhibiting those symptoms.

Hey ho. I guess it was ever thus

@TuesdaysgreyandWednesdaytoo several posters have picked up on your very clear hatred of Joan.

Own it.
Dementia is hideous.

I've had conversations with my loved ones. I don't want them to see me in the end stages. My choice. I'm early onset. I've accepted that.
Let them make their choice.
I'd much rather my people say their goodbyes before I'm lost. This isn't your choice.
Let Joan go.

The OP does not hate Joan; she is understandably upset and distressed about a lifelong friend abandoning her mother. Also it seems that the OP's mother wants and is still quite able to participate and benefit from social gatherings with friends. In my experience, these kinds of interactions can actually keep some of the worst aspects of Alzheimer's at bay for a certain time. It's good that there are other outlets for this in the life of OP's mother, but it is very sad that her closest friend chooses not to be a part of it.

Absolutely not, I am not going to 'own it' because I do not hate Joan, as I have written countless times, she is not my cup of tea but that does not equate to hate. Hate is a strong emotion and of course caring for a loved one leaves you very emotional but hate her, I do not so please stop insinuating that.

And I will say it again as you have obviously skipped my replies. My mum is not at the end stages of her disease.

At present she knows who we all are (including Joan), she is able to follow conversations, can feed herself and drink from a cup/glass, she can walk and toilet herself. She is not yet in a fully demented state, soiling herself and unable to communicate. She attends a day centre where they all have fun and joke with her. These sort of day centres do not take people at the end stages of this disease. She may have Alzheimer's, she may be very forgetful and a little muddled at times but she is still a human being trying to enjoy her life.

I would never expect or ask anyone outside of our immediate family to see my mum once she has passed this stage.

Thank you. Thank you so much for reading and understanding my post and replies.
I feel that some people replying have little to no experience of dementia. As you obviously know, many people with Alzheimer's don't suddenly lose all capacity the moment they are diagnosed, it is a very long journey and for some sufferer's it can take many, many years to get to the end stage of this disease.

That is the sad thing, mum laughs, jokes and is still Mum, Wife, Nan and friend, she knows us all. She is still there.

That is very sad. Human nature, I know but still disappointing people can be like this.

It is difficult but people with dementia can be very hard work. I don't think elderly friends can be expected by right to share the burden of dealing with somebody with dementia. You need to step up and provide company if your parents are lonely. Or get involved in finding activities your parents can do.

I wonder if (some of) an older generation is more ‘squeamish’ about dementia in the same way they were about learning disabilities? People were shut away more in the past.

Sadly younger generations are perhaps more familiar with dementia as there’s such a large older generation. And we may be more accepting of it because some taboos aren’t as powerful now.

it sounds really hurtful, OP. I would feel the same way too. 💐

I have never and will never expect any one of my mum's friends to offer anything other than an hour or so of their time every now and then. I have not written on here that I expect friends to care for my mum or share any burdens.

How could joining my parents for a half hour catch up and a cup of tea equate to a burden? People volunteer to sit and chat with complete strangers to help them, is it too much to ask of this, occasionally, when you've know that person since you were 5 years old? When that person has stood by your side as your friend and helped you when times were tough, for the last 76 years of your life?

I help my parents 4-5 days a week. I am not quite sure what you mean by 'stepping up'?