I feel so sad that my elderly mum's best friend has abandoned her in her hour of need.

[TuesdaysgreyandWednesdaytoo]

My lovely kind mum has been suffering with Alzheimer's for the last 6 years. As is with this wicked disease she is getting worse but still remembers us all and listens to our conversations, she will try her best to join in and does well although sometimes her replies can be a little nonsensical but she really does try her best.

Mum is 81 and although she has no siblings as she is an only child she has a best friend (I will call her Joan). Joan and mum have been friends since the age of 5. They grew up together and although Joan married at a young age mum got on well with them both and when my dad came along a few years later the four became firm friends. We would spend weekends with them and their children and when we all grew up they would still see each other most weekends and holiday together.

Tbh, my sister and I have never quite warmed to Joan, in our opinion she has always bossed mum around, is very opinionated and domineering but mum has always liked her and that is all that mattered.

However, since mum's disease has set in, Joan and her husband have appeared to have distanced themselves from mum and dad. She calls once a week but always makes excuses when dad suggests they come over or they meet at a local cafe etc. I totally understand that dementia is a scary disease and non of us want to watch a loved one deteriorate from such an evil illness but what upsets my dad the most is the way Joan seems to relish in telling my dad all about a new couple they have become friends with and then proceeds to tell my dad about all the new places they visit with this new couple. It is really upsetting my poor dad and he feels she is punishing them both for mum developing dementia!

It is obvious that Joan does not want to see mum anymore and on the few occasions they have popped round she doesn't even talk to mum (I was there the last time and it seemed as though she could barely set eyes on my poor lovely mum, it boiled my blood tbh).

I don't know what I expect from wiring this down but life is so bloody hard dealing with a parent with dementia and then watching the healthy one go downhill too because of the stress of it all and friends then jumping ship from this hell hole really stings. I am in my 50's and I have been with my bf since we were 5, I just could not imagine abandoning her when she needs me the most.

If your mum has known her her whole life, you must have a relationship with her too? Can you take her for a cup of tea and while having the tea ask her to visit? At least that way you would know you had done everything you could. I'm not blaming you by the way. I can just see that it would be terrifying to see your best mate like that. I sincerely hope I wouldn't abandon my best friend like Joan has but the truth is you never know how something is going to feel until it happens.

Joan has not abandoned her best friend! She phones every week, presumably at least in part to see how she is, and still occasionally visits.

I'm not saying Joan is being friend of the year, but she hasn't vanished.

When the shit starts to hit the proverbial fan, I think it's common for people to abandon ship.

As your mum worsens and people around ( such as your dad) become more desperate for support and to share the emotional load, the Joan's will demonstrate how incapable they are of giving anything. I understand how difficult it is for anyone to face someone declining in this way so I don't want to be too condemning. I've got an idea of the sort of person Joan may be from what I read so far and the Joan's tend to cause more pain and upset to the people dealing with worsening, desperate situations than providing anything positive.

The sad conclusion is therefore that your dad can only truly benefit here by cutting Joan and her husband loose. If it's of no benefit to him to take the calls, I personally would not. All Joan is doing with her calls is either satiating her need to be seen to be doing something or taking the opportunity to remind herself ' thank god I'm not dealing with a shitty life like this' . I'd try help your dad find other outlets. I doubt it's hurting your mum. It's your dad and yourselves who need to distance from Joan also.

There are some people who will stick by you through everything. And there are others who vanish at the first sign of illness, dementia or terminal illness. I've known several people who refused to visit a terminally ill friend because they wanted to remember them as they used to be. Some people find it frightening or embarrassing or avoid the situation.

It does sound as though Joan has stuck around though. She still phones, several years later. She sounds a bit thoughtless about what she's talking about but she could be trying to make conversation and filling it in with what she's done that week.

I could have written this post about my lovely DM. All her "friends" and even her sibling, my sibling and DNs dropped her like a hot potato when she had a stroke shortly after DF died. After an initial call of "how sad" there was tumbleweed for 7 years until she died. Unless there were queries about money when all of a sudden there was a flurry of interest!

Looking back I think some friends of similar age may have been frightened by the stroke and feared for their own health. One even asked me if a stroke was contagious fgs! I got a lot of excuses such as "I want to remember her how she was" when she would have so appreciated a cheery visit for 30mins once in a while. She had been unstilting in her support of them through tough times. I was sooo pissed off that those she considered her best pals for nearly 40 years just gave her a wide berth.
Only one dear couple continued to keep in touch with her and I still see them for coffee from time to time because I know their continuing friendship and affection meant so much to her.

Exactly. People don’t suddenly turn into unfledged angels in their eighties. There was another recent thread about an 87 year old man moving in next door to an OP who was, before she met him, cooing over the idea of this sweet old granddad who would need ‘checking in on’ and help with shopping, and was completely blindsided when he turned out to be a sex pest with a flash car.

You never warned to her. Felt she was bossy, domineering.
Is it possible she has narc traits?
I know from bitter experience they cannot abide people being ill and will punish those who are.

Not warming to someone is so very far removed from hating a person. I don't hate anyone. Joan is just simply not my cup of tea, she is very opinionated and bossy, always has been. My sister and my dh feel the same about her but Joan wouldn't know this as we barely see her anymore and when we do we are all very polite with each other because at the end of the day she is my mum's friend, not mine. I'm not in the habit of being rude to people, that's not in my personality.

@AgileGreenSeal ah you must also have experience of these people. That's exactly what I saw.

As someone myself who is very seriously unwell and have the misfortune of these people as relatives -they must be put at a distance when you are vulnerable.

OP - your instincts are right.

I think some of you are taking what I've said out of context. When Joan and her husband have visited my parents (last time was about 6 months ago), they sit in the living room or garden with tea and cake and chat with my mum and dad, there is no real reason for anyone to be 'left alone' with anyone just the same as when my dh and I visit friends, we all sit together and chat. Is this a strange concept for some of you?
I have no hatred towards Joan, yes I find her a somewhat difficult character, always have done and yes I am disappointed that she no longer visits, even for an hour a month or so but this is just a small part of my very busy life, I'm not sitting festering on this just raising a point on the Elderly Parents section to see if others are experiencing anything similar but as per usual some mnetters are making more of it than it is.

I don't know what your expecting. People don't want to be around those who are sick / ill. I think maybe 1/10 would continue a relationship but the majority will slowly exit the relationship.

Its terribly sad for you but you have unrealistic expections. People are generally self centred, some are just better at hiding it.

That's so sad and must have been very hard for your poor grandad.

Who the heck has mentioned caring? Just an hour's chat with some tea and cake, it's not that taxing.
My mum is perfectly capable of sitting and enjoying a conversation, I do that with her every time I visit. No one is asking anyone to look after her.

I just don't have that kind of relationship with Joan. I would chat with her if I happened to pop to my parents home and they were visiting but that was quite rare tbh.

That’s your opinion but not a statement of fact. I try not to pass judgement on people as everyone is human and it’s easy to say how you would react but people are different. My husband barely visited his gran in the home at the end of her life because he couldn’t stand to see her like that. She wasn’t abandoned, she had other family. You don’t get to say his reaction is indefensible as you don’t know him or the circumstances. Also in some cases the children may have been treated horribly by their parents when younger. Dementia doesn’t just affect kind nice people.

It's truly heartbreaking that this is so common. As someone who suffers very much with health anxiety I totally understand people's fear when confronted with illness and disease but I just couldn't do this to anyone I love or was close to and going by some of the replies on here I'm starting to fear old age.
How can people by so callous and use such excuses for seeing people when they need them the most.

She sounds like a fair weather friend to be honest. Now your mum is of no use they have removed themselves and found a new couple for company. Hopefully your dad can join some groups and forge new friendships, plus luckily he has your family.

I'd expect a 70+ year friendship not to end because one of you becomes unwell but I am obviously being very unreasonable.

Thank you and yes, this is exactly how it seems to us as a family.

People on here end regularly decades-long friendships because they forgot a birthday, cancelled a meeting last-minute, weren’t made a bridesmaid, never texted first, made other friends, were frequently late, had a childfree wedding, ‘stole’ their baby name etc etc etc.

I've found the same thing. I've got a physical disability which has got worse as I've got older. So I don't think it's a dementia thing, more a disability thing.

Friends have fallen like flies since my ability to travel to their city has decreased.

I get that I can only really do one thing now, sit and talk. So my preferred meets are a nice meal in a location my adult child can take me to and bring me back. So I'm not a ball of laughs in that respect.

Even friends and very close relatives have done this. I went out of my way for when they were going through hard time's but they've all but gone.

Sometimes I feel like saying "you do know I'm going to die soon, don't you?". But I dont.

I think people who are fit and well (at the moment) are afraid to look and see what may happen to them.

I don't blame them.

The two people who have remained steadfast and understanding are the ones where one of them is similarly physically disabled. I think that's because they both know the truth. That most of us will at some point, be disabled.

She's also lived a life with him.
It's a completely different relationship to yours.
It's no fun getting old is it.

Well your instincts about Joan were probably spot-on all along in that she’s pretty self absorbed. When my mum became ill I was shocked at who stuck around, and who didn’t. If the situation were reversed, your mum would be turning up for Joan.
My mum had a friend like Joan, they had also grown up together, let’s just say Joan’s DH was better off than my dad and she became like Hyacinth Bucket. Overbearing. She came to see my mum once when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She did ring her but I can remember the last time, as my mum had a habit of knocking it into speakerphone. My mum had just been through chemo and Hyacinth cut in, and was going on that her poor DH had been to the dentist about his bridge and was in agony. My dad dealt with her after that but she disappeared.
My mum had a far posher friend, who she met through me, and I can only say she was an absolute trooper. She was there through everything and after, too.
Lots of people are like Joan, OP, and they also fear illness themselves. So they turn away from it and get in with getting on without much a second glance.
The main thing is that your mum has a loving family and hopefully other friends.
As for Joan one day she will need friends herself but it seems like she will just boss her husband around as fair weather friends don’t do the gritty stuff.
It is a very, very tough time for you all.
My dad gave Hyacinth a piece of his mind if I recall and felt all the better for it!

I think some on here seem to believe my mum is at an advanced stage of dementia. She is not in need of 24/7 personal care. She isn't and I have never said she was at an advanced stage. She doesn't soil herself, is capable of feeding and drinking herself. Her memory is far from great but she remembers who we all are and can hold a basic conversation. She laughs, jokes and happily watches tv and listens to music.
She attends a day centre were she sings, plays games and exercises. The day centre tells me she is one of their happiest clients and always laughs with them.
This is not a woman laying in a bed soiling herself and unable to talk. Sadly, that day will come and I would not expect anyone to visit her at this stage but she is more than capable of receiving a visit once or month or so.
Surely anyone would feel sadness for a much loved parent if their lifelong friend no longer came to see them or wasn't even interested in meeting at a local cafe or garden centre for an hour once in a while?

Obviously, I will encourage dad to move on and will look for a dementia cafe or meeting group so he can makes some new friends.

Sadly that is so true and I'm sorry this has been your experience too. I am a PA for disabled people and I find it heartbreaking just how many are left so lonely and crave a few hours with others but few seem to care. Have people always been like this?