I feel so sad that my elderly mum's best friend has abandoned her in her hour of need.

[TuesdaysgreyandWednesdaytoo]

My lovely kind mum has been suffering with Alzheimer's for the last 6 years. As is with this wicked disease she is getting worse but still remembers us all and listens to our conversations, she will try her best to join in and does well although sometimes her replies can be a little nonsensical but she really does try her best.

Mum is 81 and although she has no siblings as she is an only child she has a best friend (I will call her Joan). Joan and mum have been friends since the age of 5. They grew up together and although Joan married at a young age mum got on well with them both and when my dad came along a few years later the four became firm friends. We would spend weekends with them and their children and when we all grew up they would still see each other most weekends and holiday together.

Tbh, my sister and I have never quite warmed to Joan, in our opinion she has always bossed mum around, is very opinionated and domineering but mum has always liked her and that is all that mattered.

However, since mum's disease has set in, Joan and her husband have appeared to have distanced themselves from mum and dad. She calls once a week but always makes excuses when dad suggests they come over or they meet at a local cafe etc. I totally understand that dementia is a scary disease and non of us want to watch a loved one deteriorate from such an evil illness but what upsets my dad the most is the way Joan seems to relish in telling my dad all about a new couple they have become friends with and then proceeds to tell my dad about all the new places they visit with this new couple. It is really upsetting my poor dad and he feels she is punishing them both for mum developing dementia!

It is obvious that Joan does not want to see mum anymore and on the few occasions they have popped round she doesn't even talk to mum (I was there the last time and it seemed as though she could barely set eyes on my poor lovely mum, it boiled my blood tbh).

I don't know what I expect from wiring this down but life is so bloody hard dealing with a parent with dementia and then watching the healthy one go downhill too because of the stress of it all and friends then jumping ship from this hell hole really stings. I am in my 50's and I have been with my bf since we were 5, I just could not imagine abandoning her when she needs me the most.

It’s a shame she has done this, and you would hope a best friend would persist. But Joan has lost a best friend too.

Difficult. I can see both sides.
It's insensitive of Joan to go on about her new social life to your dad.
It's more understandable she doesn't want to visit. She might want to remember your mum how she was. She might find it frightening to see what dementia is like - there's a fair chance she or her husband will develop it.
There's a generational aspect too - my mum is the same age and rarely visits her best friend in a care home. I think she feels it's pointless. It's the keep calm and carry on attitude from post war I guess.

I had this with my mum's sister. My mum had dementia and was in a home after a severe stroke. Not only did my aunt stop visiting even though my husband said he would collect her and take her home again but she stopped sending cards.
It was heartbreaking to hear my mum say on her birthday "oh no card from my big sister?" When I asked my aunt why she hadn't sent a birthday card, she said extremely callously " well she doesn't know, she has dementia "
I resisted the temptation to swear at her but I did say " mum does know me and my son but she's gone back in time with the dementia and always asks after you"
I actually wrote a Christmas card as though it was from my aunt to stop her being upset ( she no longer recognised the writing) but my aunt did grudgingly send a Christmas card.
She never did bother to visit my mum but when my mum died, she did " offer " to come to the funeral. An offer I turned down. My mum had left my aunt some money in her will and my aunt hounded me for that money despite knowing the solicitor was dealing with my mum's estate.
I had been very close to my aunt but her behaviour killed dead any love I had for her. She lived for 3 years after my mum died and had dementia at the end of her life. I visited because it was the right thing to do and I wanted to ensure she was being cared for ( she had no children) but I didn't shed a tear when she died.

I get it. My mum had 2 best friends and when mum was well they all went out at least twice a week. Then as mums condition got worse, the visits stopped. Mum did notice and mentioned it.

I understand people don't particularly want to spend time with people who have dementia - it isn't very rewarding and can be hard work. But I did judge her friends.

I do wonder if this is part of it, I get that at this age she is probably afraid, she has seen a few friends succumb to disease and I get it, it's scary at any age but must be more so when you see people of your own age falling ill and dying, getting old is no fun.
She still doesn't need to tell me dad about the new friends especially as they are starting to visit all of their old haunts, that feels like a final nail in the coffin for my poor dad.

I’m sorry you’re all in this situation. Do you think your Dad may be more upset than your Mum about this? I suppose as far as your Mum is concerned, she has the warmth and love of her immediate family, which will mean more to her than anything. Your Dad may be struggling with losing friends as well as everything going on with your Mum.

In an ideal world, your Mum’s best friend and her dh would rally round, maybe take your Mum out, and do something social with your parents every so often, but it doesn’t sound like they’re inclined to do that. Whether it’s lack of empathy, a defence mechanism or some other reason, it’s still hurtful. If you know them very well, could you broach the subject with them? Not in an unpleasant way, but maybe say that you know it must be difficult, but that it would make such a difference to your Mum and Dad if they could go out with them now and again, like they used to. The reason for them backing off may then become apparent and it may make them think again. If not, you haven’t lost anything.

That's very sad. Joan sounds like a pain. I think see if you can gently encourage your dad not to take her calls. Cast around for others who might call him for a chat.

That must have been heartbreaking for you, we obviously have no control over other people's attitude to this horrible disease but I really have no respect for people who shut off from their loved ones. I hate seeing my mum suffer and would love to run away from it all but I never will. I could never do that to my sister either. I totally understand how you must have felt towards your aunt, there's no excuse imo, life's shit at times and sadly we have to face whatever is in our path, as difficult as it is.

I do too. A short visit every now and then isn't too much to ask for, surely?

My mum struggles a lot with my dad's dementia. Much more than I do - she's snappy and a little irritable with him at times. She just can't quite adapt to such a huge change in their relationship, partly I think, because she too is experiencing the early signs especially personality changes.

Absolutely agree with all this.
It is actually your DF they have abandoned, however.
Can you look to finding your DF another social outlet once a week, perhaps?
Maybe a Shed club or a gentle park run / walk activity?
And be 100% confident, the 'couple' will return to your DF when one or other of them takes ill and the other party is feeling bereft and is looking for empathy.
Six years is a long and painful journey for the family.
We had over eight years of care home visiting. My DB would turn up once a year and if DM was sleeping, he wouldn't wake her and just go away.

Gosh, I don't know. There's a part of me that wouldn't spend a day a week on visiting my mother and sorting stuff out for her if I could get away with it. And friends can walk away in a way that family can't.

I think it's also more terrifying for their contemporaries for all the reasons stated. They fear it for themselves in an immediate, visceral way. Plus they're old and tired and maybe don't have the energy to do it. You can fit less in so maybe Joan is choosing to do things that will give her joy.

Mum does talk about her because she is in her earliest memories which are obviously the last ones to go, she often tells me that 'Joan doesn't care about me anymore' which is awful to hear.
Dad is very upset, he struggles as it is, his best friend died last year and he does feel abandoned by Joan and husband.

The issue is that Joan does lack empathy, she has always had a bitter character because of her very unconventional/strange upbringing, I think this made her who she is but regardless of this she was my mum's bf for 70+ years and it seems callous to go cold on someone who has been in your life for so long and you just cut them out because they are no longer well. She isn't someone you can win over, I have no desire to talk to her tbh because as I say in my op, neither myself or my sister have ever really warmed to her despite her being in our lives since babyhood, I'm just sad for my parents.

It's such a horrible disease, it does take down the partner of the sufferer too. All round it's an evil disease which does effect all concerned.

I have tried looking for something for dad to join but there is little in our area. The men's sheds clubs are miles away. There are some dementia cafes but they all have a 10am start which would be a nightmare to try and get mum to, way too early.
I have e the GP social prescriber ringing me this week, I'll see if she has any ideas.
It truly is an awful disease isn't it? I know there are lots of people who just can not face it. I am in the caring profession and hear so many stories of people being almost abandoned in care homes because family members just can not face it. I just couldn't do that but we are all different I suppose.

Oh your poor Mum and Dad. Sadly this abandonment seems v common - happened to my parents when my Mum got dementia. It meant my Dad in particular was very lonely. I don't have a solution but sending hugs as it is horrid.

Whilst I totally understand her fears a half hour visit once a month won't cost her too much of her precious time. I personally think it's inexcusable for a 70+ year friendship to end like this but that is the person she is so I really should've surprised or disappointed but sadly I am.

This is so sad. I think people who drop friends and relatives when they’re ill are selfish.

I wouldn’t make excuses for Joan - a quick visit once a week wouldn’t kill her.

Parading her new social life to your dad is cruel.

Check if there are any activities around for those with dementia.

My friend runs a ‘musical memories’ group which the participants love.

I don’t know why people are so selfish. They should realise it could happen to them one day.

I wish you well and good luck in finding some new social activities for your parents.

You don't know what is going on in her life, friends drift apart at any age, I think your intensity is a bit odd really

This sounds as if it’s your dad’s issue, really, rather than your mum’s. If he feels upset by Joan talking about newer friends, he should address it with her — it’s entirely understandable, of course, but Joan has every right to have other friends, regardless of your mum’s dementia, and it’s probably very difficult to have a weekly phone call with someone who’s life is seriously limited by his wife’s dementia without finding something to talk about. I appreciate he’s in a horribly difficult position, and probably feels as if Joan should be sharing the burden, but, ultimately, he can’t dictate how someone else behaves. And why is he targeting Joan, if her husband has also been a friend to them both for many years? Can’t he ask him for support?

It's not odd at all. It's a life long friendship and she has abandoned my mum purely because she has an disease. Most people would be upset about this.

There it is again 'abandoned' if I was your mum I would be more upset by you seeming to make this about you than losing touch with someone, it all sounds very dramatic

Thank you. The fact she seems to relish telling my dad all about the recent trips out with the new friends is the most hurtful thing, she could keep that to herself, she is fully aware how hurtful this is and seems to be punishing my parents because my mum developed a disease. She has always been jealous of mum because she has two daughters who live by and she is close to, Joan has two sons who don't live nearby and rarely visit. That's hard on her, I know but that's not my mum's fault.

Can your Dad meet up with the husband occasionally just so he has a social life still? I think some people just can’t deal with friends or relatives having a serious disease.

My mum is still aware, she is aware Joan no longer visits so it's an issue for both of them.
There is absolutely no need for her to mention the trios out with the new friends. Of course they are entitled to befriend whoever they wish but she seems to love to visit all the places they used to go with m&d and then tell them about it, talk about rubbing salt in the wound.
And the husband has never been allowed to have an opinion.