Appalling behaviour-dressed up as old age-it has to be addressed

[BlueLegume]

Hi all, having followed and contributed to several threads on ‘Elderly Parents’ I want to thank so many of you for helping me look at my/our situation. I won’t name check you just yet but you know who you are. This thread is not to be unpleasant about the elderly who are having a hard time. It is to address a very honest point that my parents have always been difficult. Impossible to discuss anything important with, always known better and having watched them alienate good decent people I am angry that they made no effort in life to do anything other than fun stuff for themselves and now expect me and my siblings to pick up their mess. It seems so many middle aged people have fallen foul of these ‘war babies’ as my mother still refers to her and Dad. Yes I accept they were born at the end of the war and they will have had to live in a post war country. For our mother that is all she talks about. She doesn’t accept they had the boom years post war which she has photo evidence of living it large in the 50s and 60s. She was an incredibly authoritarian mother yet after a few drinks would party all night. Always a case of do as I say not as I do. Now as I approach 60 I am wracked with worry and anxiety because she now ‘can’t cope’. It’s ruining life . I have all the therapy theories and have shared much of it. That said I am mad at the fact I am still dictated to or it feels so by her. Father is in a nursing home after a lot of denial that was what he needed. She will not have any help in the house so it is all falling to us. We are broken. My own family are fed up and rightly so. Selfish as it sounds I did not retire to look after a very unpleasant woman who has never liked me. I appreciate that sounds very bitter.

It’s also very easy to comment online and say just walk away, but there’s that huge burden of guilt - partly because you’ve been ‘trained’ by that parent to constantly feel it and partly because there’s this expectation and assumption from society that all parents (and particularly elderly ones) are loving and deserve some sort of ‘return’ for their time as carers of us when we were children.

From things my mother said, she clearly wanted a living doll as a daughter. One she could dress as she wanted, one who would play the games she wanted, one who would constantly feed her ego and tell her how wonderful she was and one she could toss to one side when she was bored. She couldn’t cope with who had her own opinions if they didn’t reflect hers, who didn't want to be moulded into a carbon copy of her and who grew up, had an independent life and therefore not available to be pulled out of the cupboard to be there on demand.

There is no doubt if I had walked away, I possibly wouldn’t suffer with the ongoing anxiety I’ve always had, but there’s always this pressure of, “She’s your mother!” “You only get one mother!” But people who never had a parent like this have no idea of the mental manipulation and mind games these people are masters of. They exploit your sense of duty and obligation and know exactly what they’re doing when they turn that emotional screw.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas spot on - perfectly put. Thank you.

@BlueLegume If you are in your 60s, your mother is of an age when women didn’t have much agency, so the manipulative behaviour you describe may be her only way of effectively communicating her needs. (It will also be the only one she has taught you, so any better ways of communicating needs you have, you will have had to learn from elsewhere.) But because it’s her only tool doesn’t mean you should allow it to be effective on you.

Feeling sorry for her because of her inadequacy is a better defence than feeling apprehensive about her reaction.

So very true.

This thread has come at just the right time. Caring for my parents caused me to have a breakdown and they will not accept I am no longer there for every whim. I’ve got such strength from reading your stories and don’t feel so awful for not being there. Thank you all. It’s a long road ahead but I feel buoyed by reading that my situation isn’t unique. I hope you all find some peace and space.

@Exasperateddonut welcome and I am pleased you have found us - not pleased that the breakdown occurred because of your parents. there is a small part of me feels there are some parents who press a self destruct button and until they see us broken - usually following everything we do being ‘wrong’ or ‘not what I want’ they are not content. For me it seems my mother doesn’t see the broken adult children she has she sees it as holding a magnifying glass upto how hard her life is and what a victim she is. Stupidly she ignores 3 capable adults suggestions saying no to a load of stuff that would make her life easier/smoother. But no, she doesn’t want a cleaner’ - don’t want strangers in the house, but in the next breath complains that my SIL’s mother ‘has always had a cleaner. Keep your boundaries as hard as it is and as ever I will always suggest familiarise with this website - loads of things to take the emotion out of this time with sensible and practical content https://outofthefog.website/

I think one problem is a lot of old people are lonely , frequently in pain and quite frightened of dying too but instead of just verbalising this in a heart to heart ( those that still very 'with it' - they simply keep the mental side of it to themselves and it comes out as nasty, critical, nothing suits etc and their adult children bear the brunt of it. Many of them have done no work for 25 years or more , some of the women much longer and they have totally lost the ability to think of a wider picture or others 'needs' and have become totally self centred . I'm lucky that my FIL at 85 is nothing like this , but he did carry on working in a senior role till 71. The other issue of course is we are having unwell people looking after other unwell people. Thinking of my great grandparents, both women were widows in early 70s - and hence at the point any issues kicked in they were not looking after anyone else

In OP's case this sounds like behaviour that she has suffered her whole life, so nothing to do with aging parents.

I think it's much easier for adult children to be sympathetic to their parents aging, if they can see it's a symptom of the old age, and a change to historical supportive and loving behaviour.

@redskydarknight thank you. @Crikeyalmighty For clarity had my mother particularly been a reasonable person, not just to me but to wider friends and family, I would have no issue mucking in , stepping up etc. As it is I have done a lot even though everything has been ‘not what I want’ in my mother’s words. Running round several supermarkets to get the specific brands, making homemade meals - she wretched at them/said they were too salty/too spicy. She has unfortunately always been an incredibly difficult woman and unfortunately we have enabled her to some extent ‘to keep the peace’ rolling our eyes at her absurdity. Challenging her we learnt long ago to avoid - think being about 6 or 7 in the early 1970s and being told by our father ‘you know what Mum is like just do as she wants’. Consequently she has never learned that you can’t always get your own way, because she has. This also means she has no coping skills or ability to process information. At times I have reflected that she has some sort of defiance disorder as she will literally never agree to anything-she will argue black is white.

Just checking back in so you can send my medal.
My DH had a big event to basically celebrate him and he deserved it. family were invited, the whole thing descended into chaos. Cutting it fine then mithering DH rather than another family member to sort logistics.
Having a panic about walking 100m, collapsing, delaying event, the entire sibling group caught up including DH.
The over riding feeling at the end of the event was of the in-laws, during the speeches, during the chat, a total take over. Then MIL said 'i really think the professional team appreciated the family being there'
I feel totally erased and I'm furious on behalf of DH.

Never again.

Just checking back in so you can send my medal.
My DH had a big event to basically celebrate him and he deserved it. family were invited, the whole thing descended into chaos. Cutting it fine then mithering DH rather than another family member to sort logistics.
Having a panic about walking 100m, collapsing, delaying event, the entire sibling group caught up including DH.
The over riding feeling at the end of the event was of the in-laws, during the speeches, during the chat, a total take over. Then MIL said 'i really think the professional team appreciated the family being there'
I feel totally erased and I'm furious on behalf of DH.

Never again.

@Septoctwed 🥇🥇🥇

@BlueLegume your mother sounds an absolute horror to be honest- I have no idea why these people who have been awful to the children their whole lives- even as adults Have such massive expectations- it's a wonder any of you give them the time of day even- never mind help!! my post was more a generalist one for reasonable parents who just descend into idiotic behaviour when they get old -

Does anyone have any good ideas who I could turn to, to get some support with how to communicate with my parents? They have exhausted all the amateur psychology amongst friends. I’ve never met prior so willing to twist your words or act so badly. I do not know how to reply to any of their emails and it’s just spiralling. I feel absolutely exhausted the whole time and cannot really cope. Already having therapy but have more issues than just the present to address- I’m totally loathed to spend weeks discussing their awful behaviour.

By saying what you have, about trying/being a decent person, is flawed. Even if you didn't try, you'd still be a decent person.

Children don't owe their parents anything and based on what you've posted about your parents, you owe them even less!

My parents were abusive, cruel, neglectful bastards. He's dead and she is still alive, in poor health and I had no choice but to distance myself from him, NC decades ago, and her, around 10 years NC. My siblings remain entrenched in the dysfunctional family dynamic, but I refuse to be drawn in. I see this as protecting myself, my emotional, mental and physical well-being.

It would help you to put boundaries in place @BlueLegume and prioritise your own wellbeing over that of your mother. You will still be a decent person, I promise 🌼

I feel your pain OP. My mum was a terrible absent parent and over the years she has alienated everyone who was ever close . Now at 81 she has no one except me , no close relatives, no friends at all. Just me .
She's been a narcissist all her life , is always right and an impossible woman to like .
Now I'm finding she has managed to just stay on the right side of nice so she thinks I'll be her carer in the future .
I've worked all my life and I'm full of resentment because I can see I'm going to end up doing everything at some point and I just don't want to but there is literally no one else .

Just don’t do it!

@Septoctwed Mine were a bit like that when I had DD. I was sick but they were phoning DH fussing about the disabled parking (I was in the hospital, there was lots of disabled parking).

Then DM turned up pushing DF in a wheelchair, which he didn't normally use at the time, but in a really flouncy about, look-at-me way, patting DF's hand and trying to catch the eye of the nurses so they could be impressed by her.

The nurses ignored her, I was in some state and had to go in a wheelchair myself to our car because I couldn't walk any distance. But she genuinely didn't seem to care about that at all.

Also @BlueLegume it took me quite a while of posting on here for the penny to drop and then spend a bit of time on Stately Homes, get counselling, reduce contact and - when my mother kept pushing and pushing at every single boundary and my sanity - to finally go almost entirely NC. Life's been quieter since, but it was very much a process I had to go through that I wouldn't have been able to do in the first couple of times I posted and someone pointed out I was under FOG.

In some ways I regret we're in touch so little now, but on the other hand we were never going to have a healthy relationship either. It's very much an individual thing and hopefully posting on here will mean you end up in a place that you're happier with.

7am Whatsapp messages on my daughter's 4th birthday briefing mentioning her then going on to give a big update about my Dad were another "highlight"; obviously nobody else was allowed to be the centre of attention!

@Septoctwed poor you I feel your pain. I can just imagine the ridiculous and farcical behaviour all because the attention is on someone else. It is so hideously predictable isn't it. I am raging on your behalf. Xxx

My mil recently peaked in similar behaviour at her first grandsons wedding. Cue the purchased wheelchair (doesn't need it), huge fuss with multiple people embroiled in pushing her about. No reason at all why she couldn't use her arms to work the wheels. Multiple complaints of just being parked and left like an old person.

Culminated in the climax of, as the wedding couple walked downstairs and we threw confetti, she feigned a collapsed necessitating two grand daughters catching her. Earlier during the service she had a brief trial necessitating her husband hoist her by the oxters, nothing as boring as a walking aid for her.

Heard later in the night giving her husband multiple tellings off for just parking her, she can walk unaided. Upped the ante with a trip to A&E the next day for body pain, nada.

Note- please take this account of mil in the spirit of the thread @BlueLegume. People who know, know. These behaviours are so bloody tedious and predictable. Awful x

@Lexy70 your post made me smile. So my mother! I swear she thinks she is Rita Tushingham in a kitchen sink drama from the 60s.

Thank you for the medals and the solidarity. I'm afraid that when invited to big events I do tend to harden my heart if I suspect 'look at me's' are attending.

I love the word 'oxters'! 😂

Snap. I’ve walked away. I refuse to give up my relatively young and healthy empty nest years to my mother. I have plans, I have a life of my own, and I’m damned well going to live it. Just because there is no one else does not mean it’s my job.