Appalling behaviour-dressed up as old age-it has to be addressed

[BlueLegume]

Hi all, having followed and contributed to several threads on ‘Elderly Parents’ I want to thank so many of you for helping me look at my/our situation. I won’t name check you just yet but you know who you are. This thread is not to be unpleasant about the elderly who are having a hard time. It is to address a very honest point that my parents have always been difficult. Impossible to discuss anything important with, always known better and having watched them alienate good decent people I am angry that they made no effort in life to do anything other than fun stuff for themselves and now expect me and my siblings to pick up their mess. It seems so many middle aged people have fallen foul of these ‘war babies’ as my mother still refers to her and Dad. Yes I accept they were born at the end of the war and they will have had to live in a post war country. For our mother that is all she talks about. She doesn’t accept they had the boom years post war which she has photo evidence of living it large in the 50s and 60s. She was an incredibly authoritarian mother yet after a few drinks would party all night. Always a case of do as I say not as I do. Now as I approach 60 I am wracked with worry and anxiety because she now ‘can’t cope’. It’s ruining life . I have all the therapy theories and have shared much of it. That said I am mad at the fact I am still dictated to or it feels so by her. Father is in a nursing home after a lot of denial that was what he needed. She will not have any help in the house so it is all falling to us. We are broken. My own family are fed up and rightly so. Selfish as it sounds I did not retire to look after a very unpleasant woman who has never liked me. I appreciate that sounds very bitter.

@Lexy70 Laughing at your post. Later on at one of my Dad's really awful birthday parties (Dad didn't have a scooby what was going on and they were a big attention seeking opportunity for my Mum), he was in hospital but came back to the house in a wheelchair.

My Mum started demanding my poor brother in law lift him out of the wheelchair, presumably by the oxters, so he could sit in "his chair" at home, in what appeared to be an attempt to create more fuss and make it more emotional for everyone else, with presumably some photo opportunities thrown in.

Dad had for months needed to be moved everywhere by hoist operated by two trained members of staff, BIL couldn't just pick him up like a sack of tatties ffs. BIL politely declined.

DM also spent the whole afternoon telling DF he'd need to go back to the hospital soon, then reported he was upset when he got back to the hospital.

I managed one more of their birthday parties, which I was really upset and wound up about going to, before realised there was no point so I sacked them off permanently.

Family events are a nightmare arent they.
The script usually goes like this:
She spends weeks 'agonising' over her outfit, insisting everyone gets involved to pass judgment on it. Anything less than "OMG you look stunning, is perceived as a negative, and the outfit is returned and the cycle starts again.
Then we are mithered about who will be there and how she isn't sitting next to her cousin because they are the worst person in the whole world (usually because they put a boundary in place with her)
A few days before the event she will declare that she isn't going, usually tells one of her grandsons this because they will then coax and cajole her to come and not miss out.
Then she will simper on the night about how she wasn't going to come, but Bobby insisted that it just wouldn't be the same without her.
She will act helpless and daft around anyone with a penis.
If food is involved she will turn up her nose at the menu, sneering and sighing about the choices and insisting she doesn't have a big appetite, barely eats anything and could she just have an omelette or egg and chips (but not oeuf et pomme frite, because she doesn't eat foreign foods), then go on to positively inhale desserts.
She will spend the night talking AT people, never asking them any questions or enquiring about their life or giving them any chance to take part in the conversation, and then tell you what a lovely chat she had with cousin Sue.
If she feels no one is paying her enough attention, she will go off and sit at a chair alone putting on a sad face until someone comes over to her, at which point they are told "you don't want to be sitting with an old lady whos good for nothing, go enjoy yourself". This ensures lots of coaxing and cajoling to come and sit with everyone else.
The evening ends with her having to leave early because she is 'feeling a bit under the weather' and wants someone to take her home (curtailing their evening) if you offer to get a taxi for her, she will make up some excuse why that's not possible.

I actually feel incredibly angry at the PIl for the absolute carnage they created at this blasted event. It completely sucked the joy out of a celebration and embarrassed DH in front of his team.
I feel like I'm totally done with the lot of them.
And yes MIL was planning her outfit for weeks.
DD organised a taxi, and got paid back with a whole £3 extra! The other grand kids have had literally thousands spent on soft play, meals, days out and holidays and they can't even be arsed to tip the price of a Costa Coffee.
No, we will not be attending or facilitating anymore 'last chance' get togethers soon.
And I'm seriously thinking of catching COVID and skipping the next duty visit.

If it wasn’t for the fact my mother is dead, you could be describing her to a T.

Expecting to complimented constantly, yet full of bitchy comments about others outfits. Usually that the wearer was too fat/thin/old etc.

I recognise the emotional manipulation too. I could never relax at any kind of gather she was at as she’d either dominate proceedings completely or have a face on about some imagined issue which would make me tense too.

Unfortunately, many outsiders thought she was ‘such a character’ and ‘great fun’ and ‘aren’t you lucky to have such a wonderful mother?’

@HoraceGoesBonkers @reesewithoutaspoon @JohnPrescottsPyjamas spot on. Trigger warning….We accept and laugh. We owe it to our adult kids
To absolutely not accept ‘she was a character’ bollocks. I was foisted into part jobs with ‘Fred the Magician’ - he will pay you double what the cafe pays ….just tell him not to touch your privates’. Thanks Mum. True story.

Bloody hell @BlueLegume that's shit.

To be fair to DF, he doesn't do emotional manipulation. That skill has been taken up by my fruit loop of a sister. She is younger than me (mid 50s) yet still makes the bitchy comments, particularly about looks and weight. Heaven help whoever ends up with my nephew.

Oh yes. I get told all the time she is a character and "such fun" because when she meets someone for the first few times, she is charm personified, full of witty anecdotes (the same stories I have heard for the last 50 years) and cant do enough for them. Thats until they do something she doesn't agree with or some perceived slight and then the claws come out.

@reesewithoutaspoon you have just described my sister, apart from the foreign foods. Surrounds herself with people who make her look good - my DDs are I don't fall into that category. She is NEVER wrong; even when she is blatantly wrong, she won't admit it. Solidarity!

Another here saying you are describing my family…her priceless opinion at the end of any of these events always that such-and-such “was so thrilled I could attend” - said completely without irony…

@reesewithoutaspoon yep, yep, yep to the family events. One of my mother’s favourite comments used to be ‘oh you are wearing that again are you?’. Well clearly I am Mum because I have arrived this event in this outfit so yes I am ‘wearing this again’. Usually a black dress in my case. Totally took away from oh let’s get together as a family and enjoy each others company. Over the years I have lost count the expectations of my parents for their birthdays and anniversaries to be ‘special’. Always me or my sister making or organising the cake, cards gifts etc. Brother turning up as the golden child, usually having forgotten a card or left it at home or generally ‘leaving us to it’. No considerations at various times that life was expensive so we couldn’t just buy new outfits - book hotel rooms/taxis willy nilly etc. One of my bugbears was we couldn’t never simply meet for a meal somewhere then leave. It had to be an ‘event’ overnight etc. So kids missed extra curricular etc, we lost weekends and went back to work tired and behind on jobs. Selfishness personified.

@BlueLegume is this a woman who did bugger all work wise in life and was very comfortably off other people's efforts ? As she seems to have no concept of people's lives , spending cash or earning a living

@Crikeyalmighty yes.

@BlueLegume yep- I got that feeling. I know someone just like it - a right 'know all too' and extraordinarily self important despite having done nothing of note- it's very difficult to ever appease someone like this. The person I know with a mother like this was always having 'inheritance' held over her head too- like a threat- in the end she decided bugger inheritance and went NC as otherwise she said she would end up in a mental unit.

Lovely solidarity and support here!!! It is good that we can laugh (sometimes) at and share outrageous behaviour.MIL behaviour at the wedding was textbook, isn't it amazing the amount of fuss and attention one person's bad behaviour can cause.

@Septoctwed definitely don't do the duty visit!

I have a story for another day of my mum behaving atrociously at her sister's funeral. She was staggering about and honestly nearly fell in the grave. This was the sister she hated. She also threatened that she was going to shout out and oppose the nice things at the eulogy. I was so stressed I nearly imploded. In the end she hysterically wailed no no no throughput the service. My dad should have removed her. Then at the purvey after five mins it was "your mother wants to leave now"

Fecking horrendous aren't they

PS I love the word "mithered" don't hear it in the Highlands but I can just imagine the arsey behaviour it describes x

@HoraceGoesBonkers horrendous behaviour, just awful

Thank you for an honest insight into the reality of this situation.

I have a few funeral stories too and strangely enough, it was at her sisters as well. Basically it always just comes down to making sure that she is the main character at any event.

@reesewithoutaspoon absolutely nailed it with ‘main character at any event’. A video of my wedding exists from a many moons ago. My mother roped in some random ear she knew with a video recorder. He traipsed around videoing the day. I am definitely a minor character in the background. My mother is the focus. At the end of the video recording she is filmed entering the venue and the guy recording says ‘ So do you think Blue Legume enjoyed today BLmother?’. The video cuts out. I find that fascinating 35 years on. Reality is she didn’t care if I enjoyed the day - she wanted that day. Everything was on her terms.

Random guy …not ear 🙄

I liked random 'ear', as a phrase.

I thought it was like an 'anybody who would listen', sorta thing.

Sorry OP this sounds awful. You've had some great advice in here about boundaries and not giving your mother power over you. I can only imagine what a wrench this is having on you.

I'm also reading with interest because I feel this is what we have coming with my MIL.

Ever since meeting my DH she has been vile to me and him. She's a classic covert narcissist. Awful to us but overly kind to others. She's great with our DC though which is the o my reason for our relationship. Anyway to get to my point, she used to be a nurse and as long as I've known her she has told me and DH she never going in a home. The expectation is clearly that we will care for her.

I've spoken to DH about this and have told him firmly never to ask me for MIL to live with us or for me to have the responsibility of caring for her. Simply put, our marriage wouldn't survive it. He's agreed thankfully but I can only imagine the pressure we will feel as she ages. She's currently 70+ and for as a fiddle but she comments a lot about getting older etc and health ailments.

@Powderblue1 I have indeed had some excellent advice and I am currently visiting my daughter - I am only contacting my mother by telephone at the moment and those calls are brief. I have taken the decision that I cannot help her as nothing anyone does is ‘what she wants’. On starting to read your post I swallowed hard as I thought you might be my sister in law! Your reference to your treatment at the hands of your MiL mirror that of my SiL, made slightly more complicated by the fact she had children from her first marriage when she met our brother and then went on to have 2 more with him. I have lost count over the years of how her older children were treated differently from those she had with our brother by our parents. Even when I have pointed out we are one big blended family my parents would just purse their lips and look at each other as if these ( very delightful) children were nothing to do with them. I know that must have been hard for my SiL. You use the covert narcissist phrase really well. We have this situation-people would always say ‘isn’t your Mum fabulous’. No actually she isn’t-she will have walked away from whatever conversation and bitched about you, your clothes, weight, whatever-so no she isn’t fabulous and Dad enabled her behaviour by never checking her. Yes our parents used the ‘never going in a home’ ticket but never actually explained what they thought would happen. There was a moment about 5 years ago where my sister and I brought it up and were trying to get them to adapt the house or better still move to somewhere more suitable for them as they aged. Point blank refusal to even discuss and then a few years ago in the middle of a new crisis roped us in to ‘help’ them find a property. We traipsed round a few which were totally suitable but they came up with a million and one reasons why they weren’t. So the inevitable happened, Dad fell ill and has now been in a nursing home for just over 12 months. Mum hates the place but it is absolutely what he needs at this point in life. According to Mum all of his things have gone missing, they have not. The staff are awful, they aren't they always come and have a chat and email or call if he needs anything. One of the carers who has worked there for over 20 years confided in me that Mum makes her feel like she is something she (Mum) brought in on her shoe. I apologised and explained that is just what she is like. Sorry for the long offload but this is the journey we have had, please please have firm boundaries in place should you find yourself in a similar position.

I find the family bereavement side of things exhausting. She's always got to be the focus of attention, even when she's not the primary bereaved person. I remember once dealing with her wanting to hire her own funeral director for a funeral someone else was organising. I persuaded her not to but I felt so drained afterwards, and frustrated that a idea that was obviously not going to work was taking up mental energy that I could be spending on people who did really need it.

My DP also had to rush off from the pub after a funeral. They were staying with my aunt and had arranged to eat lunch at the pub. DM made a big fuss about how they had to leave early because I think my DF was allegedly tired, which my aunt was annoyed about as she'd been looking forward to speaking to people, the relative who died was quite close to her. Then DM was astonished that my aunt didn't have lunch ready at the house.