Appalling behaviour-dressed up as old age-it has to be addressed

[BlueLegume]

Hi all, having followed and contributed to several threads on ‘Elderly Parents’ I want to thank so many of you for helping me look at my/our situation. I won’t name check you just yet but you know who you are. This thread is not to be unpleasant about the elderly who are having a hard time. It is to address a very honest point that my parents have always been difficult. Impossible to discuss anything important with, always known better and having watched them alienate good decent people I am angry that they made no effort in life to do anything other than fun stuff for themselves and now expect me and my siblings to pick up their mess. It seems so many middle aged people have fallen foul of these ‘war babies’ as my mother still refers to her and Dad. Yes I accept they were born at the end of the war and they will have had to live in a post war country. For our mother that is all she talks about. She doesn’t accept they had the boom years post war which she has photo evidence of living it large in the 50s and 60s. She was an incredibly authoritarian mother yet after a few drinks would party all night. Always a case of do as I say not as I do. Now as I approach 60 I am wracked with worry and anxiety because she now ‘can’t cope’. It’s ruining life . I have all the therapy theories and have shared much of it. That said I am mad at the fact I am still dictated to or it feels so by her. Father is in a nursing home after a lot of denial that was what he needed. She will not have any help in the house so it is all falling to us. We are broken. My own family are fed up and rightly so. Selfish as it sounds I did not retire to look after a very unpleasant woman who has never liked me. I appreciate that sounds very bitter.

I also stumbled across an email from my parents sent in August 2019 with my mum grandstanding about getting the house adapted but my Dad not wanting to accept money from the state to do it. Laughably she is spouting on about taking expert advice.

I know I've posted about this before but it took them another 18 months to get a ramp sorted. By which time Dad had had a really bad fall and spent weeks in hospital, which must have cost far, far more than a ramp...

I agree with @Septoctwed totally.

The parcels are a ‘tap on the shoulder’ and an attempt to get your attention. Bin them or just give them away immediately. She’ll probably do the same on your birthday but because of these Christmas ones, you’ll be ready.

It’s the old manipulation game. Trying to make you feel guilty and Christmas gives her the ideal opportunity to play it. I’m so sorry, they can really get under your skin.

Strength to you. Xx

Unwanted presents - pop them in a carrier bag and take them to the charity shop on Friday. Some good should come out of them.

Uggggh it’s not easy, this time of year.

My mother has some issues. I don't know what the heck they are. They seem to be of a co trolling nature to be honest. Her behaviours are just not great.

In recent weeks I have experienced spells of silence from her and she lacks empathy. I could be sick and she won't even ask me how I am. She's doing stuff at times that doesn't make sense. In recent weeks I hear a commotion in the hall and I found that she dragged the mini fridge out from the sitting room and into her bedroom. Then she started to store all the milk in her room. Nearly as if she was trying to ban me from having any milk. I don't know what she was doing. Even though I have my own milk (alternative milk) and sometimes when I run out I do get ordinary milk. But that was unreal. It is me doing online groceries every week and buying the stuff. I didn't react to it and I didn't get angry and ignored it and just be bought life long milk.

I don't know if she has dementia or of she's just being nasty.

Just this evening she has requested for me to do some online shopping for her. I helped her many times before but honest to god, my stomach is churning. She knows how to talk to me when she wants something but she ignored me and treats me like filth when she wants. There's no point trying to reason with her so I will just make excuses until I hope she forgets about it. I won't be engaging with her. She has requested for a lip balm and I did a quick search online without telling her and it's 30 pounds. She was never this type of a person to spend that much and she probably doesn't know how much it is but I am not doing it because she's someone who will expect me to set up a manufacturing plant in the back yard to make it and supply Primark with the same product for 1 or 2 pounds.

It's just so demoralising. I helped herany times and she hardly talks to me and now she wants more. Whereas she will turn around shout at me in an instance. Just using me and treating me like dirt for her pleasure.

@canjo I hear you. It might be linked to (or getting worse due to) old age but it sounds like you’ve been putting up with things for years so it’s hard to know.

I gather you either live with her or spend a lot of time in the same space to need your own milk there. I’m geographically closest and have found familiarity breeds contempt.

Is the milk hoarding working out - or is there now milk festering and going bad? Out of date food and refusing to dispose of it seems to be a common sign things are changing.

I’ve also found myself the focus of their anger due a mix of

1. having to be the bearer of bad news (or common sense, such as throwing out of date food away)
2. attending medical appointments that they need my help to attend when bad news is delivered. So I’m associated with bad news.

I’ve been reflecting and think I possibly also lost their respect because I keep coming back like a dutiful masochist. So I must be stupid and will be talked to like stupid.

Oh my god, this is unreal.....

I have a dehumidifier in my room and another in the hall for helping to dry clothes.

It's an old house and it's not insulated. It can get very cold. It's a damp house. My mother doesn't help the situation at all. She flings open the windows every day and I know that can be good and ventilation is good. However ri read online before that the Germans open their windows for 5 minutes twice a day.

I think leaving the windows open all day long only makes things worse. Not only that she likes to dry laundry onto of the ratatiors when they are on in the evening.

So today she expressed an interest in having a dehumidifier in the spare room. However she's not using it probably at all. She is insisting on leaving the window open. She is insisting on plugging it out over night. This just isn't going to work if she's treating it like this....

Remember you can't change her behaviour but you can change how YOU react to it. Agree a weekly visit and a weekly phone call and leave it at that. I work in a care home and the elderly often play their adult, aging children rotten. Preserve yourself and your mental wellbeing.

Thank you @AmusedGoose I am eternally grateful to the care home staff I have worked with. They are heroes.

@Canjo there will be no listening to reason if you say it. The dehumidifier thing would drive me crazy too. Used properly a dehumidifier could make everything more comfortable in an old house in the weather here.

@Canjo I find that dissent is not tolerated. My own opinions are not tolerated. Being told what to do isn’t tolerated.

So I wonder a lot. ‘I wonder if it works with the windows open’. ‘I wonder if the electricity will cost more of the windows are open?’ ‘I wonder what works better, windows closed or open?’

One thing mum can’t bear is for other people to have something she doesn’t, or prefer something different. So I admire what she has, agree she does everything right, and quietly enjoy the things I choose without comment!

When she asks you to do things that aren’t possible, agree but don’t get round to it. Be vague ’oh yes, I remember. Oh yes, I meant to ask, what colour did you want? Gosh has it not arrived yet? Let me look that up!’.

Women used to talk about ‘how to handle a man’. Let him think it’s his idea, let him think he’s in charge, but quietly do your own thing.

Very good advice!

There’s no good getting into a confrontation with these people - they seem to thrive and feed off your frustration. And all you do is end up feeling despair and impotency yourself. They perversely seem to enjoy being contrary and moving the goal
posts. Even if you ‘win’ they’ll continue to prod and probe to try and get a reaction and it also allows them to play the victim role.

As @SensibleSigma says, be vague. If you are a bit fuzzy and agree with what they say, they’ve got nothing to push against and turn into a fight which removes their power. My mother used to love saying something controversial or make an accusation that she knew I would bite on or feel compelled to defend myself. The tables would turn if I ‘grey rocked’ and I could see her frustration growing as she wasn’t getting the response she wanted.

Mine is currently not talking to me after her xmas shenanigans didn't work out. She is pissed off that the plan she had to ruin Xmas was foiled and apparently that's my fault somehow.
We had to meet up for secret Santa with the family, at which she presented my brother with a separate gift on top of the secret Santa because "he's my son!". She has 2 daughters as well but we got nothing.
So she wasn't here for Xmas for the first time in 24 years and it was bliss. Best Xmas for a long time. All the sweeter for knowing that she hated where she ended up as the whole point was to inconvenience everyone and it didn't work out for her.

Yes, do exactly this - or the Salvation Army collection point if your Tesco has one.

Don’t keep them in your house - but someone else will need a pair of gloves.

Great advice @SensibleSigma 🙏

On another thread on MN I learned this perfect phrase ‘okay, well let me know how that goes’ which is perfect for the ‘I’ll change my will’ type threats.

Hope everyone's doing OK.

Something else I remembered, which is part of the attention seeking thing, is my mum would - and I know this sounds really strange - do weird yelping, or gasping at relatively minor things. Like if someone opened a bottle of fizzy wine she'll often do a really high pitched squeal. And will sometimes sort of prance about the room singing.

When my oldest was little and if we were eating together she'd make a point of getting right up in his face, doing squealing and just making a massive performance of him having his dinner, even if I asked her repeatedly just to leave it.

Has anyone else had this? It's so strange writing it down. I know everyone has their odd little habits and I sometimes mutter to myself and sing in the car but it's not the same thing.

My mum dropped presents on the doorstep in a bid to break the NC. There was a letter as well. Boxed it all up (unopened) and posted it back second class. Now watching the tracking to see when it arrives and then see what her next move is. Distant family are suddenly trying to make conversation. Am keeping the replies polite but brief and low-information.

@HoraceGoesBonkers yes and a huge open mouth for far too long to register surprise at the slightest thing. It’s all ‘gosh look at me reacting/joining in’ to be centre of attention.

@SockFluffInTheBath well done you.

Thanks @BlueLegume it’s only been 5 months but I feel better. I’m past angry and wanting people to know the truth. I’m just moving on. I did think about having a printed list of reasons ready to give her if she turns up but she would just argue and say it’s all wrong, and I’m not engaging with that.

@SockFluffInTheBath bravo.

Well done @SockFluffInTheBath. I last spoke to mine in August - we had an argument and I said I'd had enough. I said I she should get counselling and have a plan for moving out of her enormous and completely unsuitable house. And I think the only reason she hasn't appeared on the doorstep again is that I've told her it's really intrusive and not to do it (it's just like the postman delivering something apparently).

I met up with another relative over the holidays and apparently she doesn't understand why I've not been in touch. Funnily enough it was the relative that reminded me of all the flouncing and gasping etc.

I just want to move on, badly, and have another thread on here about sorting myself out mentally.

@HoraceGoesBonkers I last spoke to mine in August too. Not a blow up as such but she pushed my buttons then asked me to sign POA with all sorts of requests that would have me forever doing her bidding and I just thought that will do. That will do.

I hope you find peace. I’ve been angry at everything my whole life and though for a while after starting NC I was even more tightly wound, I am starting to decompress a little. I’m very good at mentally boxing things up and I think I’m doing it now with her. I don’t know if it will last, but it’s good for now. Look after yourself x

I met up with another relative over the holidays and apparently she doesn't understand why I've not been in touch.

Classic.

Just saw a meme and thought of this thread.

How you (adult daughter) treat your mum now you no longer need her to survive is probably how she made you feel when you did need her to survive.

Bad Daughters, cheers to us, we made it 🥂

Very good @SockFluffInTheBath

Bit cheeky of me but I have just started a new thread for advice - hoping this link might give it a boost

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5247565-refusing-a-care-assessment-any-advice