Unreasonable mother

[Fusby]

I wondered what other people think of this? My mother is soon to be 89, she is still fairly mobile (gardens/walks/drives) but needs to rest more, is on a lot of heart medication, suffers from a debilitating bad back which is becoming more and more frequent and she is extremely deaf. She is a widow, owns her property and has no financial concerns. The problem is that she is still living in the house my siblings and I grew up in (I'm 58) and she cannot cope with it - the large garden and large house which is in a poor state of repair and now requires a complete roof replacement. She cannot hear on the phone and has been naive and employed cowboy tradesmen who knock on her door and fleece her. Despite being well off she is also very tight fisted and refuses to pay a gardener or for help in the house. As well as the dodgy roof, parts of the house are dangerous - ie steps down into the garage, garden etc. My siblings and I are all in agreement that she should move to a property more suitable for someone of her age and have pointed out that we have her welfare and safety at heart and that life is only going to get harder for her. If she moves while she is still relatively well then she can choose her property herself, which furniture to take and assuming the property is suitable for an elderly person, then she can probably stay independent for longer. She has so far refused to move and although she has emotional attachments to the house, we also believe that there is an element of snobbery involved. She refuses point blank to look at retirement complexes and says she doesn't like bungalows or flats. Everything came to a head recently when she rang us in tears, saying that water was coming through her bedroom ceiling. My husband went over and had a look at the strategically placed buckets which were no longer coping. My siblings and I have always supported our Mum but we work full time and cannot be there 24/7. Given her age and challenges, we pointed out last night that she really must move and if she remains in denial and continues to refuse, then we will leave her to it (ie we will stop enabling her by helping in the garden, house etc). She responded by saying that she will get her roof replaced on her own and does not need our assistance. Bearing in mind that she is extremely deaf, communication with the roofers and scaffolders will be almost impossible and she will misunderstand a lot. We have agreed to pass on details of a decent roofer but she will manage everything and will not involve us. She has always been obstinate, arrogant and the big "I am" and continued to say she wants to stay in the property for as long as she can. What do you think?

@aliceinanwonderland yes she is unreasonable and always has been. We are paying the huge price for tolerating awful behaviour her whole life. She is a spoilt brat frankly.

@aliceinanwonderland well it has a mix- we've got big council estates too - but one thing we do have is some wonderful old conversions - the downside is they are often shared freehold and could be a bit of a liability as the houses are huge - however lots of them are fab if you want a balcony or a bit of garden and big spacious rooms - personally I think it's a great place for retirement as lots going on for free- and it's cheery -although plenty of it isa bit hilly-

@@aliceinanwonderland clearly it's Royal crescent or sion Hill here for you later in life then - would be perfect. Parkland and cafes on doorstep!! And a good bus route too

And also being with a mix of ages groups and cultures. I think these retirement homes/bungalow streets tend to be too "samey". My mother gets chatting even to university students on the buses if they sit next to her (!) as well as people with children/middle aged people. It keeps her young.

Read my posts. We will suggest a reliable roofer to my mum and the roofer will get on with it. Gardeners and cleaners need paying for, which (I thought was clear in my posts) my mother will not do. Moving at 90 probably is stressful which is why we are suggesting she do it now whilst she is relatively ok and strong enough to put up a fight.

Sorry - think I might have responded to the wrong person here🤣

does she have siblings or friends she woulld listen to

That is good - you'll always have lovely memories of him🥰

At the end of the day then, the choice must be to move or spend some money and spend it regularly.
I got the impression from your posts that you were just concerned for her safety as opposed to being at her beck and call for minor every day things. The ceiling thing is different... I'd probably ring someone if my ceiling fell in , if only to help move bedding etc to a different room. That's not unreasonable.

She only discusses it with people who she knows will agree with her. She did discuss it with her brother recently (age 90) who told her never ever to sell her house as property is such a good investment. Needless to say he still lives in his but sold it to his to his daughter (who he pays rent to, keeping it legal) and lives there with a live in carer. The house is newish (so in good condition) and has a lift.

We are at her beck and call but not to the extent of @BlueLegume . Yes I am concerned for her safety and security. She doesn't like parting with money and does not listen to us because our views differ from hers. A new roof was suggested to her a couple of years ago (we had the same roofer lined up) but she refused, opting for a cheap hash up job by cowboys chosen by her and the bucket option. That is why she had water coming through the ceiling recently. Help was given moving furniture etc under leaks and she is now sleeping in another room. We are not unreasonable at all.

I love Bath ❤

Nobody likes a spoilt brat do they? Child spoilt brats are created by parents who enable them to behave that way, ie by never saying no. You've said your mother has all her faculties and is very capable, yet she seems more than happy to expect you to do everything for her, regardless of the effect it has on your life or how it makes you feel. My advice would be to say no and follow up on that - ie stop enabling her by saying no. If you go to see her one day and her house is filthy and she hasn't eaten anything, remember that is her choice and it is done for one reason only. That is when you might relent and she knows it too. If you are able to walk out of that house with it still filthy and her still hungry (and continue to do this) then that will send a strong message to her. Awful really that adults behave like this. I grew up thinking my mother was god and then when I reached an age when I could reason (in my teens), I realised that she can be really stupid. I am beginning to think this unreasonable mother thread should be about your mother and not mine!!

I’ve had very similar OP, parents in their eighties living in a big family house (just the two of them) with a couple of acres, obstinate dad. Had to get a new roof too which took 2 weeks and lots of scaffolding, hellishly noisy but mum (bed bound following a stroke) couldn’t hear due to deafness! I didn’t actually need to do too much as the roofing company pretty much got on with it.

All the time they have mental capacity you can’t force change - often it’s a case of waiting until there’s a complete crisis when outside agencies get involved eg. GP/ district nurses and they can help change.

In the meantime you’re left with the stress of the what ifs and playing out all the potential scenarios all with challenging behaviour which can break you.

I would focus on the present - the problem at the moment is the roof so get that fixed. Have you got Power of Attorney in place; really important. I also got a GP referral to an online CBT platform which helped with my severe anxiety dealing with a difficult dad. This helped me to emotionally step back and to let him get on with things so for example he had district nurses visiting at one point and I used to leave work to be there. I decided to not turn up one day and the nurse found him collapsed so that was when outside agencies could see the bigger picture and stepped in.

@aliceinanwonderland indeed- one reason my FIL likes coming here ( and will be moving closer ) is he finds it 'cheery' - it's one reason he says he doesn't want a flat in a retirement complex too . He likes seeing younger people having a good time- and it's one reason he doesn't like living where he lives now which ironically has lots of over 70s locally

Well here's a funny story. My mother has apparently been up in her loft today and checked out the roof and rafters all by herself. She's an expert don't ya know. Anyway, she has announced that roof and rafters are fine, no attention required. This is after water was coming in through her bedroom ceiling and both my husband and brother in law (both very handy) said they could see daylight and a couple of the rafters were rotten.. My sister is frustrated to say the least, as am I. My mum is the ultimate know-all and we will leave her to get on with it. Christmas is on the way so I might add to her collection of buckets.

Frustrating but hilarious at the same time....you have to give it to her...she's very independently minded

Up in the attic in her 90th year haha

@Fusby ’the ultimate know it all” - completely get that our mother is the same. An expert on everything always knows better. I read somewhere it is called ‘black catting’ as in if you had a black cat her black cat would always be blacker. Solidarity hope the roof gets sorted.

I guess she’s really scared of the disruption of roof mending, or perhaps afraid the house will fall down. I don’t know what the solution is.

Thanks - the solution is to walk away and leave her to get on with whatever she feels she has to do. She always does what she wants anyway. This is best for my sanity and mental health. @aliceinanwonderland yes there is a funny side to it although she only has to fall over, put her foot through the ceiling or her back go and then she's in all sorts of trouble. If you ever read in the news about a roof collapsing on a house in Berkshire and a dessicated corpse found underneath then at least you'll know who it is!!

Yes I read somewhere that the secret to a healthy old age is not to break any bones as it often leads to surgery, hospitalisation and general decline.
Does that mean she's cancelled the roofers?

They were never booked (her decision). She only pays lipservice to things she has no intention of doing. There is a wet junction box in loft which my husband says needs to dry out. He said she'd have been killed had she touched it. What is someone of her age doing on a loft ladder anyway. We have given up and I won't be contacting her for a while, neither will my sister as we are too cross, frustrated & fed up with not being (at least) listened to. Thank you for listening!

Its not nice getting old and feeling you're not coping. She sounds frightened to me. I would try talking to her on her own saying you are finding it hard as you are fining things more difficult yourself, try working with her.
retirement places are a rip iff, difficult to sell and you have to keep paying until they are sold once your parent dies, i would find her a roofer, she has the money, its less hassle. Get her people to do the jobs so she pays and you have time to yourself. I wouldn't write my own mother of because shes old and not coping too well.

Thx but we've done all that and she doesn't want to part with money - war time generation behaviour, even if there are multiple holes in the roof!! Yes she dislikes getting old, who doesn't? If you knew my mum - historically and currently still able to be very nasty & manipulative (but also kind), huge ego with a lifetime attitude of "I'm the best at everything", I suspect you too would leave her to it.