Unreasonable mother

[Fusby]

I wondered what other people think of this? My mother is soon to be 89, she is still fairly mobile (gardens/walks/drives) but needs to rest more, is on a lot of heart medication, suffers from a debilitating bad back which is becoming more and more frequent and she is extremely deaf. She is a widow, owns her property and has no financial concerns. The problem is that she is still living in the house my siblings and I grew up in (I'm 58) and she cannot cope with it - the large garden and large house which is in a poor state of repair and now requires a complete roof replacement. She cannot hear on the phone and has been naive and employed cowboy tradesmen who knock on her door and fleece her. Despite being well off she is also very tight fisted and refuses to pay a gardener or for help in the house. As well as the dodgy roof, parts of the house are dangerous - ie steps down into the garage, garden etc. My siblings and I are all in agreement that she should move to a property more suitable for someone of her age and have pointed out that we have her welfare and safety at heart and that life is only going to get harder for her. If she moves while she is still relatively well then she can choose her property herself, which furniture to take and assuming the property is suitable for an elderly person, then she can probably stay independent for longer. She has so far refused to move and although she has emotional attachments to the house, we also believe that there is an element of snobbery involved. She refuses point blank to look at retirement complexes and says she doesn't like bungalows or flats. Everything came to a head recently when she rang us in tears, saying that water was coming through her bedroom ceiling. My husband went over and had a look at the strategically placed buckets which were no longer coping. My siblings and I have always supported our Mum but we work full time and cannot be there 24/7. Given her age and challenges, we pointed out last night that she really must move and if she remains in denial and continues to refuse, then we will leave her to it (ie we will stop enabling her by helping in the garden, house etc). She responded by saying that she will get her roof replaced on her own and does not need our assistance. Bearing in mind that she is extremely deaf, communication with the roofers and scaffolders will be almost impossible and she will misunderstand a lot. We have agreed to pass on details of a decent roofer but she will manage everything and will not involve us. She has always been obstinate, arrogant and the big "I am" and continued to say she wants to stay in the property for as long as she can. What do you think?

@Fusby can I ask - is your mother quite posh?? We had a landlady once maybe early 70s and posh- and she used to refer to working guys as the tradesmen and expect an amazing job for peanuts and be bloody greatful for the work-she totally got my back up and I felt embarrassed when I heard her speaking to the guys doing the jobs!

Your comment really made me laugh. Yes my mum does fit your description above!!

You have my sympathy. I am thinking of your Dad too and I hope he is, at the very least, out of pain, comfortable and able to enjoy your visits. My parents' dynamics were similar to yours. Make the most of having your Dad in your life - my lovely old Dad died nearly 6 years ago and I do miss him. The only blessing is that he did not have to get through the pandemic.

The trouble of course is that it's boiled frog syndrome.You start by the occasional lift to the shop, and accompanying them to a particularly complicated GP appointment, and 3 years later you find you're shopping for them every week (including a stock take of their fridge and cupboards each time), auditing their medications and finding the two-month supply will take them 4.5 months at current rate of taking, driving them to every appointment, cleaning their house, acting as 24 hour IT Help Desk, translating all their business letters for them, and every other little task they come up with. And you have no idea how this happened! Nor have they, of course, and no idea that this could be a trouble for you, or that you're anything other than delighted to help.

She'll go ape-shit if they want scaffolding

@Fusby yep- I got the feeling she was a 'tradesmen' kind of well preserved lady .

Yep, already told her. In one ear out the other as expected.

If only we could choose our parents...........

@Fusby I've been lucky with my father in law- he's a smashing old geezer- and wants to make things easy for us too

Mine (90) loves her large ish house, as she says that when she is feeling too poorly or tired to go out, she can wander around the rooms and garden and not feel trapped. Creating her garden (buying plants etc) is a lifeline and the source of much pleasure.
Your mother probably doesn't notice things being dilapidated and it takes energy having tradesmen in the house at any age, let alone at 89/90.
If she is as you describe her, she would be so unhappy in a "warm, safe flat". Like a squirrel in a cage.
Get her to spend some money getting the roof fixed, but don't abandon her "to her own devices" in her twilight years or give her ultimatums

But she can't manage her large house - and has total unrealistic expectation of op, to run round after her doing it all.
It's not just a bit of shopping.
Op is run ragged playing general dogsbody and will become ill herself.
Her mum won't pay for help.
My friend looks after aunty - also 89.
Aunty pressed her life line buzzer because ....... she couldn't find her house key ...... it was in her bag ....and she found it after 5 minutes .... of looking in her bag
In the mean time friend is rung by the care company, misses the call - goes running over ....only to find her all 'surprised' and quiet justified - this was an emergency- look if you can drive to Tesco's and walk round the shop, you can walk to the neighbours and get your spare key.....it's not a PAGER.
Totally selfish.
What if my friend has had to leave work.
It's emergency only.
Oh and an ambulance turned up as friend , having missed the second call from the care line had rung back without success ....all because of a key , which was where it should be.

@TammyJones
But the OP's mother phoned them because she had water coming through her bedroom ceiling; not because of a lost key. And in any event, a misplaced key could happen even if she were living in a bungalow.
OP is suggesting not getting involved at all with a specialist roofer. I think it's not too much to ensure her mother is not being fleeced, and then let the roofer get in with it.
Also to introduce reliable gardeners and cleaners that her mother feels comfortable with
I have seen with friends of mine that moving at 90 is be extremely stressful, possibly fatally so.

@aliceinanwonderland Also to introduce reliable gardeners and cleaners that her mother feels comfortable with - do you have any advice for me with a mother who utterly refuses to accept any outside help? Literally refuses. Tells you she won’t let them in. Turns away food delivery…..however is happy for daughter to drive and hour each way and then clean a filthy shower, wash loads after load of washing change the bed, go food shopping, cook for her. Sit and eat with her otherwise she won’t eat. For the record this is someone with full capacity simply exerting control over us all.

Thx but my elderly Mum does not walk around the house as she doesn't want to heat it (it's always been a cold house and not all rooms have radiators) so she only lives in two rooms. She definitely does notice the dilapidation, especially when there is water coming through the ceiling. The garden gives her pleasure but she admits it is too big and that she wouldn't mind a smaller garden like so and so (people she knows).

@BlueLegume
I'm lucky with mine. She's fiercely independent and wouldn't move from her house, but does have a cleaner who changes the bedding, a gardener and an odd job man whom she pays £25 per hour to move garden pots/change ceiling bulbs etc. She has her hair washed at the hairdresser every week.
She has told me she's spending my inheritance to make her life easier so that she remains in the house she loves.
Haha. She has friends, but I often take her to their houses if I'm not working so she doesn't have to wait for the bus in the rain and I do her "heavy " shopping.
I would say your mother isn't being reasonable. Could a neighbour recommend a trustworthy cleaner etc?

@fusby
I didn't realise she was essentially confined to a few rooms. That sheds a different light on it.
Would a ground floor flat converted from a grand house be more "palatable" to her? She'd then get the lovely big elegant rooms, but not so many of them. Often the ground floor have their own private garden and sometimes also a shared one. It wouldn't seem so "old folk" either... the reverse in fact; quite stylish.

Yes - stop. She is manipulating you. She knows that you will eventually "give in" so sees no reason to stop. Just stop but give her the heads up first.

Meanwhile we have been sending my mother property details all which are being rejected, as expected.🤣

i guess she might listen to someone else?
or at least not listen to you

She confines herself to two rooms - her choice. Most people would update the heating or get radiators installed but not my mum. She wouldn't even always have the heating on there when I was growing up, it's tight fisted. My dad used to turn it up, she'd come along and turn it down. When I was a teenager I went out and bought myself a fan heater and because they can make a noise I played music in my room so anyone passing would only hear the music. The things you have to do ☹

Thanks everyone, I know I am a broken records but we have literally tried everything. She had a cleaner but then sacked her as ‘she wasn’t any good’. We actually offered the cleaner double the rate in hope we could persuade her back. She declined! Rightly so. Unfortunately our mother has alienated all family - us 3 (broken) siblings trundle on just to get by. Sadly sometimes there is no option but to appreciate some people are just difficult and will not listen to anyone. When Dad was at home the neighbours did message us from time to time with concerns. She has been so rude to all of them they want nothing to do with her. I back off now and again but that means when I am in contact it is hours and hours of catch up. FOG website helps

Your Mum sounds so sensible and I might add, has a healthy relationship with money.

@aliceinanwonderland we've got zillions of those in Bath- some are gorgeous!!

@Crikeyalmighty I LOVE the architecture in Bath! Just so elegant!

I could never live in a bungalow... when I'm in my dotage, I shall do elegant ground floor flat with easy access to "life" aka shops/cafes where I can watch the world go by.

@aliceinanwonderland this is what my FIL is like- he's actually moving at 85 from a chalet house to a bungalow within 10 miles of us as opposed to180 miles- he will pay for a gardener for the heavy work, a cleaner, and a good handyman for odd things. He is ok to online shop etc- he's already done a huge 'clear out' - goes off on his own for pub meals - I'm hoping he gets a lady friend too to share his early evening G&Tsand olives and cheddars!! I can understand people wanting to stay put but for Christ sake they need to get all the 'outside help' they can pay for and no that doesn't mean it's always their daughter or daughter in law and pay to sort their house out- sadly I think a lot of older people are simply mean in many cases and won't admit they need help in others- sometimes a bit of both