Unreasonable mother

[Fusby]

I wondered what other people think of this? My mother is soon to be 89, she is still fairly mobile (gardens/walks/drives) but needs to rest more, is on a lot of heart medication, suffers from a debilitating bad back which is becoming more and more frequent and she is extremely deaf. She is a widow, owns her property and has no financial concerns. The problem is that she is still living in the house my siblings and I grew up in (I'm 58) and she cannot cope with it - the large garden and large house which is in a poor state of repair and now requires a complete roof replacement. She cannot hear on the phone and has been naive and employed cowboy tradesmen who knock on her door and fleece her. Despite being well off she is also very tight fisted and refuses to pay a gardener or for help in the house. As well as the dodgy roof, parts of the house are dangerous - ie steps down into the garage, garden etc. My siblings and I are all in agreement that she should move to a property more suitable for someone of her age and have pointed out that we have her welfare and safety at heart and that life is only going to get harder for her. If she moves while she is still relatively well then she can choose her property herself, which furniture to take and assuming the property is suitable for an elderly person, then she can probably stay independent for longer. She has so far refused to move and although she has emotional attachments to the house, we also believe that there is an element of snobbery involved. She refuses point blank to look at retirement complexes and says she doesn't like bungalows or flats. Everything came to a head recently when she rang us in tears, saying that water was coming through her bedroom ceiling. My husband went over and had a look at the strategically placed buckets which were no longer coping. My siblings and I have always supported our Mum but we work full time and cannot be there 24/7. Given her age and challenges, we pointed out last night that she really must move and if she remains in denial and continues to refuse, then we will leave her to it (ie we will stop enabling her by helping in the garden, house etc). She responded by saying that she will get her roof replaced on her own and does not need our assistance. Bearing in mind that she is extremely deaf, communication with the roofers and scaffolders will be almost impossible and she will misunderstand a lot. We have agreed to pass on details of a decent roofer but she will manage everything and will not involve us. She has always been obstinate, arrogant and the big "I am" and continued to say she wants to stay in the property for as long as she can. What do you think?

Mum had dementia in the end so as much as you would want to say how could you it was too late.

The point I am trying to make is that the majority of old people will not see the wood for the trees. They wont listen to sensible decisions. They will become secretive and sly to get their own way. It’s not necessarily their fault totally. They are just very old with poor judgment.

Forty years ago these people will have died before 75. Now 80 plus is the norm and older. Judgement and often mobility gone. They rely more and more on others and fool themselves it’s not that bad or they are coping fine with a bit of help (a bit!!!)

@BlueLegume I'm very sorry to hear that.
It's such a callous way to treat someone, especially someone who was helping you.

@ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews thank you. The reality is my comments probably need to be in a thread about unpleasant mother behaviour. None of this is new she has always been incredibly rude and difficult.

Thing is, by maintaining your property, or downsizing if necessary to somewhere safe and manageable, or looking into independent living while you still can, you can reduce some of the risks that go with old age. And thus improve the chances of remaining independent.
@Fusby is talking about her mother moving to somewhere more suitable. Nowhere has she mentioned 'putting her in a home'.

Sorry, I meant to quote @Tel12 and ref posters who thing OP is abominable for suggesting her mother moves.

Sorry yours is such a handful @BlueLegume 💐

Thanks @WinterFrog the reality is she has always been the same. People tolerated her for Dads sake really. Now he is in nursing care he isn’t there to keep her in check so she is running riot. She has gradually alienated everyone. The stress is awful. Every phone call is a new series of things that are all fixable but she puts barriers up. Exhausted is an understatement. Glad you cleared up the @Fusby point countered by @Tel12 . We are not bullying anyone into retirement facilities or care homes we are just as middle aged almost 60 year olds knackered having to take on full responsibility for houses that are in need of work, as in our mothers, cleaning, shopping, washing etc. I think some posters might have ‘looked after’ elderly people but add in being responsible for running their homes, lives, all the utilities contracts etc and being general dogsbody is too much to expect from frankly entitled people.

I genuinely don't know why the government don't incentivise older people to move and why the housing market doesn't cater for old people better. Housing market is profit driven. So 5-bed “executive” homes, and blocks retirement flats with a healthy continuing income in “service charges” and levies on resales.

How did your friend process that, cos i don't think i'd ever speak to my mum again if she did that to me? Mum probably genuinely thought that daughter genuinely enjoyed helping and didn’t find it a bother. Very hard to get your head around the fact that the DC you have loved and cared for, that you feel you would give your life for, now see you as a nuisance and utterly dread your phone calls.

Back to this after a busy couple of days. What a realistic and sensible father in law you have - please can I introduce him to my Mum?!!

@MereDintofPandiculation it seems very clear that communication is key, doesn't it?

Back on this after a couple of days. We have found a roofer for my mother. Whether this is what you call overseeing the work, I don't know. The roofer can get on by himself and do the job - there will be no one for him to ask or run issues by, as my mother is deaf and knows nothing about roofing. My siblings and I are all at work full time and we don't know much if anything about roofs either.

Perhaps you can give me some useful and practical hints then. But let me give you some useful background first: Mum approaching 90s, deaf, bad back getting worse, admits cannot cope with FAMILY house (which is dangerous and in poor condition) or huge garden (parts of which are also dangerous), she WILL NOT spend any £ on getting help in, we also suspect cognitive decline tbh. My siblings and I live in different towns, we work full time, and also have homes and our own families to deal with. We have all suffered from stress/anxiety for various reasons (including this one). Frankly, we are already exhausted.

Sensible decision for my very elderly mother: sell the house as it is & move into something more suitable for an elderly person. She could enjoy choosing the property and how she wanted the interior. It could be lovely and we would not expect her to live anywhere where we wouldn't live ourselves.

Your suggestion is?

My point exactly.🙄

Yep, spot on.

Or maybe you should give some of the posters on here more credit? Some of us do actually love and care about our parents and only think of their welfare during a time when their minds and physical health are failing.

Bungalows, retirement flat or whatever - as long as the occupant is happy, safe and can cope or has people nearby (preferably on site) who will help them to cope.

My experience is the same. My mum has always had a very nasty & manipulative streak and unfortunately it still rears it ugly head.

Spot on - and we have pointed all this out to her. She can remain independent for longer in a more suitable property. If she stays where she is, her life as an independent person will be shorter. As a doctor recently said to her, "if you fell and broke your hlp, you would have a good chance of catching pneumonia in hospital and that would be that" or words to that effect. I suppose anyone can fall anywhere, but there are plenty of trip hazards/dangerous steps in her current house which would not be present in a more suitable property. Harsh maybe, but true. I do not know in what context this comment was made. No one is trying to put her in a home!!

@Fusby your thread was derailed by some posters who seemed triggered at the thought of being expected to move, themselves, in the future. My reference to care homes was in your defence. I am very clear on what you are hoping to do for your mother 💐

No, what I meant was another professional, independent of the roofer, to keep an eye on the work. We got our surveyor to that. As a surveyor, he knew what to look out for, and he visited a few times while the work was being done, climbed up on to the roof and made sure everything was being done properly,.But if you're confident about the professionalism and the integrity of your roofer you may be happy to leave him to it. We were 200 miles away, with a firm we'd never used before.

Yes. Particularly DC communicating to parents what they can and can't do, aka "setting boundaries".

Have you ever had to do this for an elderly person for a protracted period of time?

Having seen DH and his siblings run ragged by MIL, I never want to put my DC in that position. It also deepened rifts and disputes between them, because you could see exactly who was opting out, or causing issues in other ways.

I agree. Though in the situation quoted, the daughter was unaware that their parent had been offered assistance, and declined it.

It's certainly easier for all parties if conversations are had in a timely manner, and before the shit hits the fan and there is a crisis to be managed.

Yes I know & no problem! Your experience is very similar to mine and some people just don't get it do they:(

My mother doesn't like spending money, despite having plenty of it. She would not, in a million years, employ what I would call, a project manager. In terms of her roof, she will expect one man to do a fantastic job in less than a week and only charge her peanuts.

Thank you. The @Growlybear83 comment came across to me as reactive and with no evidence of any balanced or deep thought, as did her final comment. You are correct - anyone can withdraw from this thread but sometimes it is a good decision.