Mum moving 300m from us

[marmite2023]

Hi all,

my sprightly but depressed 80yo mother bought a house 300m from us while we were on holiday. We feel blindsided tbh. I’m her only daughter - my siblings are through my dad. She currently lives a 30 min drive away.

she’s obsessed with my baby dd and does many kind things - helping care for her, buying items for her, helping me do my sport while also managing with a baby - but so much of this is driven by regret that she missed out on a lot when I was tiny due to my dad leaving her and her going back to work. She feels like she gets a chance to do things over.

we have a part time nanny to cover when I’m at work, so mum only does babysitting on occasions or in emergencies, but probs
equates to once a week.

After a massive row, she has said she will pull out of the sale. I’m now conflicted. I feel guilty that she is depressed and lonely where she is (a lovely house with a great little community, but everyone dealing with their own family and life challenges) and guilty that I can’t deal with her literally living on our road. She stamps all over boundaries as she thinks “family” is more important than anything, even though her parents were abusive and her siblings estranged.

I already see her multiple times a week. I feel suffocated at the thought of her living on our road but guilty that she’s unhappy where she is.

what so I do?

300m is too close. I would* suggest looking for a place that will provide good access, but give everyone that crucial breathing room.*

What makes you think that the OP has any right to dictate where her mother lives? She doesn't.

Being closer might be better. My MIL lived next door to us for the last ten years of her life. Seeing her for 10/15 mins most days was infinitely better than having to pack, drive 3 hours and stay for weekends every 5/6 weeks. My sons spent as much time in her house as ours and they were very close, lovely to see.

All the people posting 'speaking for myself, Id welcome this' really grind my gears. Its not you, its not your mum, or your life or your relationship - its the OPs, who obviously has a different perspective and history. So stop pushing your narratives onto her, and just try to understand where shes coming from and offer some positive support and advice. There is definately a Mumsnet version of mansplaining....shall we call it Mumsplaining....where smug people who are not epxeriencing the troubles and stresses of someone else, very piously opine on their lovely lives and how THEY would experience or deal with it all. please just read and understand and try to be a support and not just another stressor.

They are literally saying "speaking for myself". It's not hard to understand.

I would let her find somewhere else suitable but not so near. She patently does not respect your boundaries (safeguarding) so unlikely to respect any clear boundaries around living nearby. And you don’t want to lose the good rekationships you have with nanny and DH. She can be encouraged to use carers and clubs for social support. I feel for her emotional needs as her background sounds tough but making your life stressful win’t fix her. As long as you continue to see her she will still enjoy DD.

I wouldn't say that 300m is on your doorstep. It sounds like a decent distance.

Let her throw her toys out of the pram. She knew she was being unreasonable or she wouldn't have snuck around behind your back and presented you with a fait accompli - she gambled that you wouldn't make a fuss. She was wrong and now feels humiliated.

Is there anywhere near you that rents out as an Airbnb? Maybe she can test drive living near you without committing first for a few weeks. She may miss her friends and her familiar life. It may confirm that it will kill the existing relationship between you. Or maybe it won't be as bad as you think. It must be an extended period though so she can't just mask her natural tendencies for a day or two.

Good luck. My parents have both passed but the mere idea of having my mother that close makes me feel ill.

I empathize, OP. If my Dad (86) moved so close to us, he’d be poking his nose in our business all the time! OTOH, his health is very different to five years ago. His mobility suddenly deteriorated and he went from being a keen hiker to using a walker very quickly. Plus, he’s great with my teenagers, he adores them. And I could support him far more easily, which he now needs (emotional and practical support).

So I’d suggest thinking it over. As other have said, your visits may become less intense if you’re so close by.

She should have cleared it with you first.

I live next door to my dad!
It has its ups and downs. It was great when the kids were little, he was a very hands on grandparent, and helped me hugely (DH in the forces, full time business, 3 dc). We all went on holiday together, it was great.
But in his later years my dad has really changed. He is grumpy and moans constantly. He is argumentative. He loved the dc when they were little and cute, but now they are young adults and have their own opinions.....He forgets that DH and I are still working and expects us to do everything for him. He has no social life outside of us, which puts a huge burden on me (only child). He comes into our house and reads our mail if its left out! We cook for him every night after work, and he critiques everything! His health is not great recently, and it's all he talks/ moans about. No interest in what we are doing, or in what the dc are doing (although he feels he has a right to tell us all what we should be doing!) He won't join clubs or make friends because he "doesn't need them". He has recently had to stop driving, so expects us to take him where he wants to go, when he wants to go (like suddenly needs to go to the tip).
I love him, but it is very wearing!

@Lobelia123 I'm with you on this. I think the OP's mum could move nearer but not that near. I think though that what she wants to happen is not realistic, the popping in and out, keeping an eye on the nanny! AND do not assume that you have to become her carer, someone mentioned "helping her into bed", WTAF! You can be caring but not a carer when the time comes

Oh I do feel for you.

I think if you're this stressed now, how will you be when it's a done deal?

Your mum has already demonstrated clearly that she does not respect your boundaries. Having to reinforce them time and time again while she is stood on your doorstep or hinting to come round, or popping into see your DD while you're at work etc will be so hard.

I think you have to protect yourself and your family, including the nanny, and let her pull the plug on this idea. Has she said what her expectations would be if she moved? I am going through something sort of similar with my father, who wishes he lived in our village and I wonder in what ways he thinks his life would improve.

As to all the PP who say how wonderful it would be as she gets older and needs more help, well would it? How would you fit in being her carer too? Please don't feel bad, you are in a tricky situation.

Any update OP? Is the house purchase off hopefully?🤞

Yes she called it off but is now very depressed. She’s feeling very unwanted and rejected. I feel so guilty.

But also I see her every week on my day off and we share a hobby together at the weekend. I just don’t have time to see her more if I ever want family time or time seeing my friends!

she thinks “family” is more important than anything, even though her parents were abusive and her siblings estranged.

But that's WHY family is important to her. I had a terrible life as a chid, moved away as soon as I was old enough, and my mum continued to be a nightmare for another 70 years after that.

Because of that, being a good parent and creating a happy family has been massively important to me, and it's more important than anything, precisely because I didn't experience it with my own parents and sibling.

Try not to feel guilty OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong. You see lots of your Mum as it is and sound like a very caring daughter.
The same street is too close, your Mum should have discussed her intentions with you before putting in an offer.
It's a shame that she's depressed, but you and your family can't be the sole solution to this.

Please try to let go of the guilt.
My therapist might say something like ‘what are you achieving through the guilt?’
i e it achieves nothing.

But more to the point - you are allowed your own needs and wants in this relationship. You matter!! She has shown she doesn’t respect your boundaries (I shuddered at the sharing of photos online, sorry. I had to have some ridiculously firm discussions with my dad about baby photos online, and he will still tell anyone who will listen how he’s not allowed to share photos, but he has stuck to it). Having her on your doorstep would mean having to reinforce boundaries more often.

I’m sorry. If you’re like me, you keep hoping that they will start respecting boundaries so we can have a different (better) relationship with our parents, but it doesn’t always happen, and that is sad.

I echo what others have said - maybe closer but not so close. And it doesn’t have to be now either.
i think it’s good she’s pulled out of the sale - it was too nearby, too soon for you (and too pushy of her ).

I don't know why she is feeling 'unwanted' if you are seeing her twice a week. She is trying to make you feel guilty which is completely unfair.

She would be living on the same street as OP. I would call that living on her doorstep.

I don't think I would mind this but can understand it may be too much for you. That being said, her moving close to you doesn't mean you will be seeing each other every day. I have relatives who live very close, I don't see them more often.

There is a middle ground here. She could move to your community but not to your street. Read the many threads on here about caring for elderly parents, she is already 80 and you have a little one, foreseeably in the next ten years you could have a very elderly mother in need of some level of support and a school age child, a 30min distance could be challenging. Perhaps having her settled, decluttered and set up in a simple small home nearby at the age of 80 is future proofing for everyone's benefit?