Mum moving 300m from us

[marmite2023]

Hi all,

my sprightly but depressed 80yo mother bought a house 300m from us while we were on holiday. We feel blindsided tbh. I’m her only daughter - my siblings are through my dad. She currently lives a 30 min drive away.

she’s obsessed with my baby dd and does many kind things - helping care for her, buying items for her, helping me do my sport while also managing with a baby - but so much of this is driven by regret that she missed out on a lot when I was tiny due to my dad leaving her and her going back to work. She feels like she gets a chance to do things over.

we have a part time nanny to cover when I’m at work, so mum only does babysitting on occasions or in emergencies, but probs
equates to once a week.

After a massive row, she has said she will pull out of the sale. I’m now conflicted. I feel guilty that she is depressed and lonely where she is (a lovely house with a great little community, but everyone dealing with their own family and life challenges) and guilty that I can’t deal with her literally living on our road. She stamps all over boundaries as she thinks “family” is more important than anything, even though her parents were abusive and her siblings estranged.

I already see her multiple times a week. I feel suffocated at the thought of her living on our road but guilty that she’s unhappy where she is.

what so I do?

Well I thought it read 300miles!! D'oh

In the future you may be pleased that your mum has moved closer you.
Her health could change very quickly. If she’s near by, you will be able to manage this much more easily. If she needs carers one day, I have found, it’s better if they know a family member is near by. Some can be marvellous and others not so much.

Just set clear ground rules with your mum from the start. You are in a strong position now to negotiate these, as a compromise, after the huge fall out.

Or is there an alternative move nearer to you? My Aunt lives in a Sheltered Accommodation Bungalow. She enjoys the company of the other residents, who are all over 80, but are all capable of independent living. She has a better social life than I do.

I do sympathise with you. I was in a similar position to you once. The move did all work out for the best for me and my mum,in the end.

Good luck.

I understand you feel claustrophobic. I guess a lot of that may be due to the relationship you have with your mum.
So her moving so close has triggered some anxiety and panic at managing your relationship with her being so close.
It does sound like you have a lot of love for her and she you. In your shoes, i would not ask her to withdraw from the sale. In the long term, it will be very advantageous for you both ( & your family) that she is near by. I think a conversation needs to be had. Respect for each other is essential for this to work. Your mum needs to know this.
Once the shock settles, hopefully you will see why this is actually a good idea.

I’d bloody love this. We have no family help to speak of (DM bends over backwards to help, doesn’t drive, is 82 and sadly often very ill.) MIL hundreds of miles away and 74, good health, dating, too busy. Oh to pop DD down the road, especially when they get a bit older and you fancy a night out, day out, baby number 2, have a pet, get sick yourself- nobody knows what’s around the corner.

If your mum gets sick it’s easier to have her closer, plus she’s 80, probably won’t be around that long - just being realistic. One fall can be all it takes- literally to change her life (and yours) forever. Your DM sounds active, can she join any clubs etc so her social life isn’t just you? If you’ve argued then she clearly knows how you feel about her/the situation. I couldn’t put her off moving though (personally). I can see a lot of posters hate their DM’s- very sad.

Is your mum’s depression being treated effectively? Or is she trying to tough it out by keeping busy? I think elders’ moods can gradually deteriorate until it’s seen as personality rather than a treatable condition.

My parents are both in their 80s and have recently given up their car. I think they're being very sensible as lots of older people carry on when they're not really safe to drive (due to slower reactions etc). Do you think your mum foresees this happening in the future? If so, would the 30 minute drive become a bit of a nightmare for her, or is it easy by public transport?

She’s had depression all her life and she sees a counsellor. She has been on quite heavy antidepressants but doesn’t like how they make her feel so she googled how to wean herself off. She absolutely uses being busy to distract herself. It creates a slightly manic energy - she’s so determined to be useful that she fusses round everyone and then becomes bossy, which winds up my DH and MIL. It comes from. A good place but I can see him biting down the irritation. My dh is going through a challenging time with his business and his own mother potentially returning to their home country. It’s all just so complicateed.

im about to go back to work and I have. A stressful job and long commute. The thought of my mum dumping all her attic’s contents in my house just as I go back to work makes makes me feel sick. I have a major deadline looming over me that’s ruined my maternity leave and I’m exhausted before I even go back. The one thing I thought was sorted was family and now my mum has set off this project at the worst possible time. If it was next spring even it would be better and I could cope.

shes already stressing about lawyers and estate agents and I’m the one who has to absorb all of that energy. She won’t ask for help and frankly I so not have the bandwidth to offer it, but I will be her emotional sounding board through the whole thing. I just feel sick thing about dealing with it all.

oh and we have a. Lovely part time banny, who my mum has promised she will “keep an eye on”. And “why doesn’t the nanny bring baby over to mum’s during the day?” Mum drove aaay my nannies when I was little with boring regularity due to her endless demands and involvement. Our nanny is young and sweet and gentle, and would find it hard to deal with my mum.

and here I am awake at 4.30 am thinking about all this, when I have that massive piece of work to do. I then wake up exhausted and unable to concentrate. Oh and I’m still breastfeeding. And I feel like a shut parent because I’m going back to working long hours, and a shit daughter because as many posters have pointed out, I’m being mean, and a shit wife because my very tolerant dh is being pushed to the brink with this news and my mother thrusting herself upon us when we’ve only been in our new house for a few months. . And I just want to run away from it all. Sometimes I just sit in my car hiding from everything and everyone.

I agree with those positive about this. I think it was harsh to encourage her to pull out, i feel quite sad for her. Lots of elderly move nearer to relatives. People can move where they like surely?

I wish my DM lived closer as I am currently doing a 90min round trip 4 times a week to help her as she has been ill

It sounds as though life is an awful lot at the moment @marmite2023

Your feelings are all fair, but I think it is easy to see only the negatives when something like this happens.

It sounds to me as though the issue, more than the move itself is that your "ability to cope" cup already has some seriously big rocks in it - your work, a recent house move with a baby, stuff going on with your husband's family, and that this is the absolute max and has tipped you over the edge. It's totally legitimate that that is what's going on.

On the other hand, the posters making the point that having her nearer may well be convenient in the next few years make good points as well.

Do you think there's any compromise to be made here? E.g. mum moving 5 minutes away instead of 30 but not literally 30 seconds?

Excess stuff needing to go into a storage container instead of your attic.

Some really firm boundaries about the nanny even if this is uncomfortable.

And maybe you need to examine what the options are at work? I think work stressing you out as much as it is before you've even got back to it sounds really difficult. You know yourself but if that were me I would be having what I term "referred anxiety" when I'm not actually as anxious about the thing I'm freaking out but it's been referred from the thing I am anxious about but that I don't feel like I have the capacity to change.

Obviously it's up to her where she lives. But I would be clear your relationship would remain the same and point out you may move at some point so where ever she loves needs to be somewhere she is happy with for her. Not due to its proximity to you.

So sorry to hear this. With everything going on, this added news must make you feel overwhelmed.
First, it is not your emotional baggage to carry about your DH going through a challenging time about his mum's return to her home country. And that should not be a reason for any negative behaviour towards you or the situation. Kindly, OP, that's an entirely separate issue.
Your nanny is essential to you being able to work and you are happy with the dynamic between yourself and your nanny so you should protect that. Nanny will not be taking DD round. Fullstop. It is not up for discussion.
Like i said earlier, respect is essential if this is going to work and you have to make your mum understand that. Boundaries have to be respected.
Otherwise, her move would destroy the very relationship, she is hoping to enjoy better by moving closer to you.
Your work and everything else is the stresses of life. They don't go away. Having the stresses of life and having to drive 30mins to see your mum if she is ill/hurt/or in need is very difficult, even more so with your own little one to care for. Popping down the road to see her/help her, makes a lot of difference.
You are not mean. You just have a lot on your plate. Can that deadline be moved? You should not be so stressed about work during your maternity leave.
All the best.

How do you feel about the relationship you have with her? I ask because it sounds like it's that that is the issue rather than the distance but by moving so close it will become unbearable for you?

No the mother is doing it to prove a point. Rather than just take her shoes off.

@marmite2023 You're not a shit daughter and you're not being mean, you're perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. (I moved 7000 miles away from my mother, and frankly it wasn't far enough - but I appreciate your relationship is probably not as dysfunctional as mine was).

Your mother has put you in a very difficult position which is completely unfair. If you can have a sensible conversation with her it would probably be a good starting point.

Speaking for myself, I'd welcome this. The extra pair of eyes/hands would be great. But I am very good at setting boundaries so I'd have no problem saying we are not seeing you this weekend etc.

shes already stressing about lawyers and estate agents and I’m the one who has to absorb all of that energy

You choose to absorb it. You don't have to.

I had the experience of DMil moving to our road and , quite honestly, I think it was really positive. The DC we're able to have a close relationship with her, we didn't need to have her to stay or use up time going to stay with her, she could step in if a plumber was coming or the DC needed emergency care and as she got older and eventually frail it was easy just to pop in frequently to clap eyes on her, help with care etc rather than having to devote longer lengths of time visiting and also worrying from afar. It was a much better arrangement for everyone than for example her having to move in with us or staying more distant. A similar arrangement has happened with my DSis and our DM and it works very well as , she too, has been able to remain in her own home into advanced old age. Obviously it requires some compromises and boundaries to be made but imo families should support each other if possible.

It depends on your relationship abd the dynamic between you. I personally would live it if my parents lived in the same street. Instead they live far away, have missed out on so much in relation to seeing the grandchildren grow up. They're now old and frail and I worry so much about not being able to help them.

This.
It may make life easier for you going forward. No driving to help her into bed or to just check she is OK. Could you look into clubs she could join in your area, a church if she likes that, a day centre where she could go to meet people and so hopefully she gets a little life before it's too late. I drove 30 mins a few nights a week to put my mum to bed as she became incapacitated so 800 m would have made my life so much better. Had siblings do the rest but l needed to do my share..for 5 years. Don't overreact. It is a shock but see the advantages.

@marmite2023 my mum sounds a bit like yours. Emotionally draining and unable to respect a boundary but also genuinely loving and wanting to help. I would absolutely combust if she did what your mum has just done!!! Stick to your guns. She is being completely utterly unreasonable. A move like that is something you agree together.

Having read your updates @marmite2023 I do think she will be much too close. It's a very difficult decision. Yes - she may, when her time comes, go quickly, or she may grow very elderly and frail more gradually and live into her 90's. A half hour drive to her current house, at 3 am in the morning because of a fall or similar - repeated frequently and getting worse as time went on is no fun. I have been there.

On the other hand, I am also well aware of the complaints about not phoning enough, the criticisms and the pressure - what you describe as claustrophobia - and that was hugely wearing. My Mother was also fit and able to get out by herself, see friends and was still driving until she was 89. She died at 93.

On balance, for me, it was better that she WAS 30 minutes drive away, or she would never have been away from our door. She was quite selfish, so her perceived needs trumped everyone else's. If she wants to move so close to you, she is thinking about all the company she will get, how involved she will be in your lives, how much you will look after her as she ages. You would be better trying to encourage her to find more company closer to where she lives just now, in my opinion (based on my experience). Or lay down the boundaries right now and more importantly STICK to them. But that will be hard to do. Otherwise you could find things very difficult now and in the future

As someone else said, unless she is moving to a bungalow, you should be trying to persuade her, that another house with stairs is not a good idea if she is trying to 'future-proof' her position as she ages?

Good Luck

It can be incredibly difficult dealing with Mums who have embroiled themselves in their children’s lives from childhood.

i wish I’d anticipated & understood more when my children were younger.

I would try as hard as possible to trust your feelings & stay with them for longer. Read about emotional abuse ( hope this doesn’t feel too strong a term). Read You Are Not The Problem.

Whether your mum is 30m or 300km away can really make little difference times.

A friend recently suggested a great idea to help me (87yr old mum). Writing a kind of agreement. Eg, When you raise your voice I will leave. Respect my views and no pictures of my children on line.

Look after yourself OP 💐

There's a lot of people on here assuming you'll be caring for your mum and it'll be handy having her close by.

You do not have to do this! No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. I have had to point out to mine that, if she moved to our city, that wouldn't mean I had any additional time to spend with her. It's basic maths. I still have the same full time job and child. She was fondly imagining being there at mealtimes, meeting up for coffee in the daytime etc and has little idea of the reality of juggling work, children's activities etc.

Several people have portrayed idyllic pictures of local grandparents pottering in and out of family life but there is no guarantee that's what you'd end up. I grew up with a grandparent next door - which severely limited what we could do as a family. Only being able to go out for a family meal somewhere she could come too, not being able to go far for a holiday because of needing to get back for an emergency.

My mum is 83. For the past four years I’ve been doing soooo much for her. She went downhill from being very fit, active and independent so quickly. She’s a mile away and I want her to move into an annexe with us (she doesn’t want to). At the moment I go twice a day.

Im wondering if your stress over your return to work is making this a bigger issue than it actually is? I’m also thinking it’s hard to imagine sitting alone for five days when your own life is so busy. But I do understand. I love my mum but we’ve always had a slightly difficult relationship and see things in different ways. But she’s always helped me when she could.