Mum moving 300m from us

[marmite2023]

Hi all,

my sprightly but depressed 80yo mother bought a house 300m from us while we were on holiday. We feel blindsided tbh. I’m her only daughter - my siblings are through my dad. She currently lives a 30 min drive away.

she’s obsessed with my baby dd and does many kind things - helping care for her, buying items for her, helping me do my sport while also managing with a baby - but so much of this is driven by regret that she missed out on a lot when I was tiny due to my dad leaving her and her going back to work. She feels like she gets a chance to do things over.

we have a part time nanny to cover when I’m at work, so mum only does babysitting on occasions or in emergencies, but probs
equates to once a week.

After a massive row, she has said she will pull out of the sale. I’m now conflicted. I feel guilty that she is depressed and lonely where she is (a lovely house with a great little community, but everyone dealing with their own family and life challenges) and guilty that I can’t deal with her literally living on our road. She stamps all over boundaries as she thinks “family” is more important than anything, even though her parents were abusive and her siblings estranged.

I already see her multiple times a week. I feel suffocated at the thought of her living on our road but guilty that she’s unhappy where she is.

what so I do?

My 82 year old mum moved from 2hr drive away to just round the corner from me 3 years ago. At the time she was fit and healthy, still driving and gardening etc. She's now got macular degeneration, unable to drive and diagnosed with terminal cancer almost a year ago. I'm so so glad that she's near me now, I can pop in most days, cook for her and drive her where she needs to go. Honestly, in your 80s, once ill health starts, you can go downhill very fast. She may be feeling anxious about the future and want to be near you.

Is it a case of the grass being greener? It sounds like she has a supportive community around her which she may not appreciate and will she be able to build something similar where you are. Or will you become her sole entertainment? What time do you have with work etc? Will this stop you having a life?

It could work brilliantly for your DD having a grandparent close by. Or it could be the opposite - I always resented having one living with us as a child.

30 mins sounds quite close enough - easy enough to do as a day trip. I e moved from 5-6 hours away to 2-3 hours from mine but I definitely wouldn't want her in the same city!

Yeah I would like it too. I was 25 or so minutes drive from my parents (15-ish miles,) for the last 10-11 years of their life, (me and DH moved 15 miles away after living only 2-3 miles away, around 3-4 years before we had children. Kind of regretted it when we had our 2 DD fairly close in age, and wished we had stayed closer...)

And my 2 DD are roughly that distance away from me and DH now.

I would love to have been 300 metres away from my parents when my DC were little/at primary school. Would have come in so handy, and would have benefitted us all. They needed me more and I need them too, but we were too far apart for us to really be a big help to one another.

I envy the people in my village who have their parents and grandparents and aunts and cousins etc all within a 15 minute walk. Quite a few families here do. It makes for a nice community. Kids running home from school and saying hello to grandma and grandpa on the way home and spending half hour with them, and the young mums seeing the parents 2-3 times a week for a lunchtime chat and coffee.. And they go to the local bingo together twice a month, and see each other at the pub on a Friday night. Just a lovely big family community.

My 2 DD (late 20s,) are 16-20 miles away (living with their partners,) and I am lucky if I see them once or twice a month! I also didn't get to see my parents more than maybe 3-4 times a month as I had/have 2 children, and had a busy job, and also lived too far away to just 'pop in.'

@marmite2023 Each to their own and your feelings are valid, but I feel really sad for your mum that you don't want her anywhere near you. Just seems you want her when it's convenient for you.

.

I agree, I wouldn't mind either.
You'll miss them when they're gone.

I think even a sprightly 80 year old thinks about their mortality. 30 minutes drive will become more of a chore for her, even if it's easy for you. When your DD is at nursery and then school you might be glad to have your mum closer, as last minute childcare. Make sure, if/when she moves closer, that she considers a community with plenty of activities for her to join.

@Readingallthetime she could pass away or old age with the baby in her care

I think her being near you might be helpful as time goes on as she’s already 80 and 30 minutes away is quite a drive when the emergencies that often crop up with our seniors happen . It’ll make your life easier in lots of ways. Also as shes so close you can just see her regularly but for short periods . A cup of tea here, a shopping trip there etc. Its maybe easier than whole days/ afternoons. Your kids will get lots of time with an already elderly grandma who wants to love and spoil them . That’s so lovely for children ime ( mine had wonderful grandparents on both sides and adored them all) Maybe have a little chat about boundaries and joining some clubs locally when she moves so she won’t depend on you for social life. Only you can know how you feel about it of course but that’s i think how I would feel if it was my mum.

What @Bonbonnes said! ^ 👏

What on earth is the problem with that? Many, many 80 year olds are fit,healthy, and perfectly capable of looking after a baby, in many cases more so than an unfit younger person of which there are many…
A previous poster mentioned 80 as near to’ extreme old age’ Yet many people now live well into their 90s.

Is it a bungalow? She may be great just now but stairs are bad for the elderly when they become frail.

I'd be ok with my mum near me. I just lock my doors and don't answer if I don't want to see anyone so that'd keep her at arms length - if I wanted.

Although as a previous poster said, popping in for a quick cuppa is easy to handle as she'd leave afterwards.

So I think it's got potential. Apart from stairs.

why thankyou 😀

This

I am lucky to have 4 daughters, we are a close family and I know that none of them would object to me living nearby.

Tough one. Would be lovely to have your mum close but not that close 😳
my in-laws are less than 5 minute walk away and it’s helpful now my girls are older but I’m dreading birthing baby 3 because they are very OTT and don’t respect boundaries.
help her find something close but not too close? My own mum in a 15 minute drive away (30 mins on bus for DD) and that’s perfect for me!

Even having a conversation about boundaries led to a whole afternoon of woe is me and I’m an awful mother and this has completely spoiled my whole experience of buying the house.

she’s extremely generous and helpful, but then she’ll make snippy comments about not wanting something ruined (eg a jacket she bought me) because I don’t look after it properly. I’m nearly 39, or don’t I think it’s dd’s nappy change time?

it took me sending her an article about germs on outdoor shows before she would stop complaining about the fact she couldn’t wear her shoes on my new carpet upstairs and she brought multiple shoe covers and slippers over to deal with that rule, and still tuts to anyone nearby that she’s not allowed upstairs in shoes.

it’s exhausting.

This has happened previously to one of our own on this board. From memory I think it was @Fantasea whose DM moved about six doors down.
OP, sorry this has happened without you being included.

You make her wear shoe covers? Goodness.

Just a side note re your comment, family means everything despite abusive parents and estranged siblings.

It sounds like she grew up with no family, or certainly not a loving, nurturing family, hence her saying that family means everything because she didn’t have it, getting older makes you often want to be closer to what is a possibility and your priorities change.

It shouldn’t be all on you though.

No she brought shoe covers as a way of getting round me asking her to take her shoes off when going upstairs in the
new carpet

It is all on me. She’s been single her entire life because she either goes for abusive men or she is too bossy / controlling for relationships. She has some close friends but they all have their own lives.

She kept on haranguing me that I don’t interact with her on Facebook enough (beading in mind I WhatsApp her most days and see her at least once a week) and she posted my news and pictures of my dd even though I asked her not to as I work in HE and don’t want my students accessing my personal life, and I’m very concerned about babies on social media.

That’s what I mean about claustrophobia. She hates the fact that I have different politics to her (I’m left wing, anti-hunting, anti-Brexit) and takes it as a personal slight that I don’t agree with her - actually told me that I was disparaging who she is and where I came from.

anything where I am separate from her - opposing beliefs, different house rules - she either finds offensive or baffling.

but she is also very much a hard worker who rolls her sleeves up to help me however she can. She’s come on work trips to help care for dd, and helped me move house when I was heavily pregnant when my dh was dealing with his own incapacitated mother. She desperately wants to be loved and included.

I understand your point of view, OP. I'm in the process of moving mum closer to me (much less close than yours) and I'm dreading it. I'm being all cheerful and encouraging to her because it's a big step for her to admit she needs to give up a bit of her independence but inside I feel quite sick with dread at having her and her judgey comments closer to my life. I do love her.

BUT I've also recently seen a close friend run absolutely ragged by trying to care for elderly parents that were a bit of a distance away. I'm talking about calls in the night, falls, having to go down there and back and then that same day go back again as dad was on the floor and the ambulance said 10 hours. Long spells staying away from home as each recovered from various hospital stays etc. It made her absolutely miserable - if you would care for your mum in the event of ill health (as opposed to her going into a home) it will really benefit you to have her nearby.

You may have different politics and you don't always see eye to eye but she is 80 and she is your mum. Keep her close, she sounds like a nice lady.

So, after everything she's done for you, you think you have the right to tell her where she can and can't buy a house?
It seems to suit you at the moment, her being just far enough away not to bother you, but close enough to be at your neck and call.

At this point in my life, I think it would be nice to live close enough to my ILs to walk to their home. Not so close though that they can see of our lights are on or off without leaving their own property.

300m is too close. I would
suggest looking for a place that will provide good access, but give everyone that crucial breathing room.