Mum moving 300m from us

[marmite2023]

Hi all,

my sprightly but depressed 80yo mother bought a house 300m from us while we were on holiday. We feel blindsided tbh. I’m her only daughter - my siblings are through my dad. She currently lives a 30 min drive away.

she’s obsessed with my baby dd and does many kind things - helping care for her, buying items for her, helping me do my sport while also managing with a baby - but so much of this is driven by regret that she missed out on a lot when I was tiny due to my dad leaving her and her going back to work. She feels like she gets a chance to do things over.

we have a part time nanny to cover when I’m at work, so mum only does babysitting on occasions or in emergencies, but probs
equates to once a week.

After a massive row, she has said she will pull out of the sale. I’m now conflicted. I feel guilty that she is depressed and lonely where she is (a lovely house with a great little community, but everyone dealing with their own family and life challenges) and guilty that I can’t deal with her literally living on our road. She stamps all over boundaries as she thinks “family” is more important than anything, even though her parents were abusive and her siblings estranged.

I already see her multiple times a week. I feel suffocated at the thought of her living on our road but guilty that she’s unhappy where she is.

what so I do?

Oh that’s tough. But honestly, that is way too close, and she should have talked to you about it.

Could you suggest that you help her house hunt for something closer , but not on your doorstep?

I think you have a calm discussion and agree to her pulling out of the sale.

I’ve no words of wisdom, OP just a sympathetic nod of understanding how hard these things are to navigate. I’m having some issues with my own mum (87) and it’s not easy. Best wishes xx

After a massive row, she has said she will pull out of the sale.

You’ve already had the fight and the “damage” is done.

Let her pull out.
Honestly, the fact she put in an offer without discussion /in secret says a lot.

sympathy and no other advice mother daughter relationships can be complex

I wouldn't mind this personally but my parents moved to my village and I was happy. When they got ill it was a godsend to have them nearby, so perhaps your mum is feeling worried about what the future holds. My parents' illness escalated to the extent we had many a mad dash to theirs but it was only 3-4 mins so it was ok. I had young children at the time and it was easier that they were nearby - you said you see her several times a week so this will reduce travelling?
Perhaps in your community you can help her find things to do with local things like day centres or WI.
If you're really clear about ground rules and boundaries in advance, could that help?

The fact she did it behind your backs when you were on holidays means she know fine well she's overstepping and is hoping you acquiesce.

30 min away is already nothing distance wise. Is she maybe hoping you'll step up if she needs care?

It's her sneakiness that is the clincher, persuade her to pull out.

Oh my goodness, she is cheeky old sausage
don't you pity her a bit

This is really tricky because I can see both sides. At 80 your mother probably sees a future where she is increasingly old and infirm and maybe struggles to get herself to you? Perhaps she's more frightened by ageing than she wants to admit. At 80 she is approaching extreme old age and maybe she is feeling it. As she ages you may find it easier if she is closer. But I do understand your point of view too.

Tread lightly, whatever you do. My dad was a fit and sprightly 80 year old and gone at 84.

Awww your mum sounds a little lonely and like she wants to be closer to her family and I totally get that. She is 80 and maybe thinking about her last years and so wants to make the most of being close to you and your DD. Especially if she is unhappy. You and your DD are obviously 'her happy'

I do think she should have spoken to you before offering on a house so close to you and I do totally understand you feeling a bit weird about having her live so close (I would too!) But, as someone else suggested, I think a little chat with her about how you would love to have her closer, but just not THAT close and suggest finding somewhere closer than the current 30 minute drive but without being on your doorstep would be a nice compromise for you both and something you could make work.

I know you already feel some guilt so I don't want to add more to that, but you don't know how much longer she will around for (not wanting to sound morbid but it's the truth) so try and see it as a positive thing having her a little closer, rather than a negative thing and maybe make the most of having her in your life while you still do. When she is gone she is gone (I know from experience 😥)

Good Luck xx

So many people are saying "behind your back". Maybe she thought it would be a nice surprise?

It wasn’t exactly behind my back. She WhatsApped me while we were away to say she was looking at a property near us.

but I didn’t expect her to put In an offer and sell her house in 10 days. A younger friend of hers decided she wanted to buy it so it’s happened frighteningly fast.

I think the issue is her good friend who lives next door is very wrapped up in a difficult life (lots of problems with her adult children) and mum mops up but it’s bringing mum down. She is already getting in declutterers as she wants to purge her house of everything.

For her birthday, a whole bunch of neighbours all had a tea party with her. But then august bank holiday she spoke to no one for 5 days,
apart from WhatsApps from me and my husband.

She says she’s bored and depressed where she is and she wants to move now so she can do her house up etc. and be fit and healthy for the move.

Difficult.
But, she is 80. Isn't it better for her to be nearer to you? Things could change massicely for her in the next few months or years. You might find yourself having to drive to her house multiple times a day (or night.)
Moving a sprightly 80 year old will be much easier than moving a frail 90 year old.
I think you weren't expecting it and panicked a bit?
I can't imagine it will be that bad for you having her nearby, its not like she's moving into the house.
Good luck, hope you find a happy medium that suits you all!

You have an 80yo babysit a baby??

This. Very hard, be honest or as kind as possible with your honesty, but it must be discussed. If I were you, I'd be worried I'd end up hating her. I really need adult independence!

She still climbs 5 bar gates and goes to the gym twice a week and hikes. She’s not in any way frail or unfit. She lives for babysitting my baby dd.

What on earth is wrong with an 80 year old babysitting?

I hear your fear of the family claustrophobia. My mum moved (with my encouragement) a two minute walk from my house when she was in her late 70s in similar circumstances (lonely despite being in a community with loads of friends nearby). She just wanted to be near me and her grandkids. Sometimes it drove me a bit potty but ironically we saw her less, I think - because she’d pop over for a cuppa and then leave again. I absolutely loved having her nearby. We did see her almost every weekday and most weekends, just not for long periods of time.

We became very close, my kids adored her, and yes at times it was a bit much but I did feel able to say I needed a bit of space, and she didn’t take offence.

And when she had a fall and needed more help wit daily life, and when she collapsed just before she passed away, I was there. I am so thankful I was there in her last moments, holding her hand and reassuring her. I was the last person she saw, and that gives me huge comfort.

So in your situation it’s moving fast, but it will still take a few months to finalise, let the idea settle with you and see how you feel in a week.

This makes me feel a lot better about things, thank you

Mainly because you described exactly how I feel (claustrophobic) but glad it all worked out.

I think some have misread- I read this as 300 metres , not 30 minutes- am I correct OP !!

OP your mum is fit but 80 is old and her health will most likely take a downturn sometime in the coming 5 years. Although she will be closer it's probably a good idea and it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship generally. It's better she decides to move close to you now and organises everything than there being a crisis and you having to move her and do everything, and who knows whether it may be against her wishes by that point.

If she gets frailer in the next 5 or 10 years, then having her closer may be good from a spending time together and practical side to have her closer.

And when someone moves closer, contact changes. It may become more frequent, but shorter. And therefore a bit less pressured. She can pop in for a 20 minute coffee and chat on the way back from the shops etc etc. If someone lives half an hour away, when you see them, it's more of a "formal" visit for a few hours.

It's a worry she's moving away from her community. Is she expecting you to fill that gap?

It's such a difficult conversation to have, but I would make it clear that you and the family can't become her main social life. Maybe you could do it in a roundabout way by asking how she's going to build up her new community here and make friends? Could suggest some clubs/groups locally she could explore?

Tbh I think you were unreasonable. You can set boundaries like not visiting without calling first etc without needing to ban her from living close by. Sounds like she helps you a lot too so it would be easier for her to help living close by. I feel sorry for her.

I had grandparents a 2 minute walk away. It was just fantastic as a child growing up with them so close. I'd head over to theirs and spend hours watching TV with them, rearranging my nans ashtray and putting on her make up. 😬

On the weekends they would stop by, have a cup of tea. It just worked and forged a really close bond between us.

It's not ideal that you haven't had a chat about boundaries beforehand but if I was you I'd have a discussion with your DM and say you want some rules in place. I wouldn't ask her/let her pull out of the sale. She sounds really lonely.

My DM is now looking to move very close to me. I'm pleased for a couple of reasons - having her close in an emergency, ease to help her in old age, and that me and my DC can just pop in for 10 minutes throughout the day and just make the most of what time we have with her.

I would like this, but understand it’s not for everyone. In ten years time if she’s still around, it’ll be far easier to have her 300 metres away compared to half an hour.