Sibling not taking responsibility

[Willowcat77]

How common is it that when an elderly parent starts becoming needy all the responsibility for them falls on one child and the others just disappear?

This is what has happened to me. My 85 year old mother had a stroke and the OH nurse said she needs as much interaction as possible from family and friends for her brain to recover, but the only person to have stepped up is me. I am now literally the only person who helps and interacts with her. My brother doesn't even phone her any more. He was the Golden Child so my mum is distraught. He won't even answer the phone when she tries to call him. When my dad was alive he borrowed a large amount of money from them and never paid them back, despite my parents needing it and fretting about it. Now in my mum's hour of need he has simply abandoned her.

When I texted him to find out why he is ignoring my mum he didn't answer but I got an extremely nasty text from his girlfriend saying to leave him alone because he is stressed. For context I have never asked much of him, I have always been pleasant to him and his girlfriend and very rarely asked him for support with my parents. But when my mum had her stroke surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to at least call her from time to time? He was happy enough to accept help from her when she was well.

I'm not well myself and have a disability, but my brother doesn't seem to care. He is rich and successful and I am not, due to my Autism, but I am expected to do everything alone. I feel so hurt, angry and let down by my brother and overwhelmed by the responsibility for my mum. I have no choice but to help her as she is very frail but will not accept carers or any outside help.

Is this a normal dynamic, when everything falls on the one sibling and the others just abandon the needy parent?

I would have put money on the missing sibling being a Brother.

I think you're just going to have to accept that he's not around but it doesn't mean that you have to do everything either.

It's your DM's choice not to have Carers that doesn't mean that you have to become her carer OP, as hard as it can be to see them struggle.

Work out what you're willing to take on and what needs doing.

Talk to your DM about a Gardener and a Cleaner. Does she have a milkman and a window cleaner too?

These are all paid for devices that can make life a lot easier for her.

I've recently sold the idea of a Carer to my DA but suggesting that she pays for her Cleaner for an extra session each week just to empty the bins, make the beds and do a bit of shopping. Her Cleaner is local and is happy to do Home Help type stuff so it's working out well.

Lots of older people seem quite terrified of using the term Carer. I don't know if they see it as being vulnerable or losing independence but if you can try and frame it in a different way they usually end up agreeing that they would benefit from some kind of help.

Are you in touch with the local Carers Hub? We have found them very useful at providing support.

There's also a Stroke Survivors group that meets once a week in our Town. Is your DM getting to anything like that?

I'm so sorry about your mum. Sadly, I think what you're experiencing happens in the vast majority of cases. One sibling ends up doing essentially everything for the elderly parents, and it's almost a guarantee to be the sister if the only other sibling is a male.

*paid for services

Everything will fall to DH’s brother (or nobody), but that’s due to FIL being vile. It’s not that uncommon. Does sound like your brother is being very unreasonable in your situation though - but also, if he was the golden child, your parents obviously had something to do with that dynamic.

How common is it that when an elderly parent starts becoming needy all the responsibility for them falls on one child and the others just disappear?

In my experience, very common. And if there was a Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic the Golden Child never does any of the work.

Golden Child grew up being taught they were perfect and people should bow down to them - so when shit hits the fan, they are overwhelmed and head for the hills.

Scapegoat has been brought up to expect to do everything so they carry on, now with added bitterness.

Sometimes you see the Scapegoat see it for what it is, and walk away but not often.

If he was the golden, I assume you were the scapegoat and treated accordingly. It seems like this sort of parent also becomes the most entitled and demanding, not caring whether you can cope with the burden, as they didn't care when you were younger. Perhaps I'm projecting. My MIL is similar. I feel no need to help her. She would never help us if the roles were reversed.

If you need to step away, do so. I think parents like this reap what they sow. I'm one of 8 siblings. We equally shared the care of our parents while they werestill alive.

Two issues here

• yes, disappearing siblings are very much a thing (not my experience but what I see and hear). Your brother is a selfish shit and clearly always has been.
• you accepting your mum not accepting carers, and stepping in to do everything she needs done. Check out the Elderly Parent boards here for excellent advice. It's not fair of her to demand this of you, and what will happen to her when you burn out/get ill/go on holiday?

There is no obligation for anyone to "take responsibility", OP. You and your sibling have simply made different choices - neither of you is wrong. Each individual has to do what is right for them.

If you can’t cope with the care your mum needs you’ll need to talk to her again about outside help, it’s not acceptable to say she won’t accept it sadly and it’s unfair on you to take on this much, you’ll make yourself ill.

It doesn’t mean you don’t care but if it’s become untenable then something will have to give, especially if your brother isn’t stepping up to help your mum.

The pp idea of phrasing it differently, like a cleaner, someone to do some washing, change beds etc rather than a carer is a good idea.

If he was the golden, I assume you were the scapegoat and treated accordingly. It seems like this sort of parent also becomes the most entitled and demanding, not caring whether you can cope with the burden, as they didn't care when you were younger. Perhaps I'm projecting. My MIL is similar. I feel no need to help her. She would never help us if the roles were reversed

That's exactly like my "D"M.

We're not at this stage yet as DM is well and fit, but I can see the writing on the wall. Golden child younger DB who also benefited more financially has moved abroad and only contacts DM when she reminds him she exists (he wasn't much better when he lived in the UK), other DB who lives similar distance away from DM as me does keep in contact but hasn't visited for nearly a year. I can't see the older DB stepping up when needed but DM is convinced he will.

I've had friends with elderly parents who needed care and have seen how they shared the support with siblings, I know what can be involved, how time consuming it can be even if it's mainly admin and am dreading having to do it all. I just hope DM is proved right when the time comes and DB surprises me.

Sounds fairly normal. We are five sisters and one brother.

As soon as DM became frail, dB became permanently busy.
Two sisters including one who was a trained nurse, semi-retired and lived five minutes away, vanished.

Care/Interaction was left to three of us who all lived 40 miles away or more, and all worked full time.

The same for clearing & cleaning the house after DM died, and handling probate. Annoying. 🙄

I'm currently in a similar situation, one of four, and do everything for my mum who is terminally ill. The others may possibly drop the odd phonecall now and then.

So assuming you were an okay parent would you think it is right for your child to suddenly ignore and abandon you as soon as you had a stroke? Do you really think that's okay, just because it was your child's choice?

What is being expected of your brother? If it's a call now and then I'd say he's being unreasonable, if it's an hour on the phone a day I wouldn't.

'@BeaRF75 · Today 10:08
There is no obligation for anyone to "take responsibility", OP. You and your sibling have simply made different choices - neither of you is wrong. Each individual has to do what is right for them.'

This.

He has made his choice but that also does not mean that you need to play the role of the martyr and take all the burden.

You need to make it clear to your mother and health care professionals that your mother will need to accept the help of carers as you are not able to step into that role. You have a choice too.

Literally just to call her sometimes. The occupational health nurse said it's really important that she has social interaction because of the stroke. I am the only person who speaks to her, as well as doing all her shopping, admin, health appointments etc. She is extremely lonely since my dad died.

It’s easy to say ‘you have a choice’ but no paid help is going to house admin, appointments and arrange shopping.

My DB phones my DM every few months and will send flowers occasionally. Which is nice but isn’t exactly the hands on help she is beginning to need. Doesn’t even check that she is getting the help she needs

It’s very common. My partner’s mother developed dementia a few years ago and as he was living with her he ended up being the one having to look after her. He has three brothers and three sisters who didn’t want to know. She is in a nursing home now and the only reason that happened is because we were going on holiday and his siblings refused to look after her while we were gone away.

Bet these absent siblings won’t be so absent when the will is read

@Namechangejustincase24 · Today 11:07
It’s easy to say ‘you have a choice’ but no paid help is going to house admin, appointments and arrange shopping.

Again if the OP is disabled and is struggling with her own health issues and running her own life, she has the choice to make it clear she cannot take on responsibility for someone else in her situation.

Her mother might have to consider that she can no longer live independently.

No one has a duty to look after their parents. I'm in my 70s, and currently in good health, but I absolutely don't expect my DC to care for me should my health decline.

Also for context, my mental health nurse says I am myself a 'vulnerable adult'. I have Autism which affects me deeply and I can't say no to someone in need. To people saying it's just my 'choice' to help my mum, it isn't - I literally cannot be cruel and negligent, it's just impossible. I had a massive breakdown which I am still trying to recover from and now this. My mum keeps crying for my brother and I can't fix it.

I have a slightly different situation but your comments really resonated with me OP.

My absolutely wonderful DF passed away completely unexpectedly about 8w ago. We were incredibly close. I have/had a more complicated relationship with my DM. It was very turbulent as a teen, pretty awful to be fair. I was a difficult teen and we didn’t get on. Fault on both sides. It’s obviously improved over the last 20 years, but I’ve never had the same easy relationship with her.

My younger brother was her golden child. Most definitely her favourite. He got on well with both our parents but he and my mum were probably closer. Over many years I have felt that he was ‘babied’ by her. He’s in his mid 30s but a bit of a man child to be honest.

This has become extremely obvious over the past 8w. He is a teacher so has been on school holidays since my dad died. He has no children. During the school holidays he has always reverted to behaving like a teenager- staying in bed till the afternoon and spending a lot of time gaming etc.

I had really hoped that, given the circumstances he would have stepped up these past few weeks. He hasn’t.

I am the one going to visit her every day (altho, having now gone back to work in the past 10 days I’ve had to reduce it to 3/4times a week). I’m the one messaging or calling every day to check in on her. I am the one helping out practically with things like taking her to the shops. I am dealing with the mountain of paperwork and did everything for organising the funeral. I have asked for more support, he’s told me he is ‘busy’.

i am so angry with him. I feel like he’s always been her favourite, why is he not taking some responsibility now?! It feels very unfair. To be honest, I’m now at the point that I am completely disgusted by his behaviour.

i don’t have any answers for you, I’m afraid, OP. I just wanted to say you’re not alone in being in this situation. It’s really shit.