Sibling not taking responsibility

[Willowcat77]

How common is it that when an elderly parent starts becoming needy all the responsibility for them falls on one child and the others just disappear?

This is what has happened to me. My 85 year old mother had a stroke and the OH nurse said she needs as much interaction as possible from family and friends for her brain to recover, but the only person to have stepped up is me. I am now literally the only person who helps and interacts with her. My brother doesn't even phone her any more. He was the Golden Child so my mum is distraught. He won't even answer the phone when she tries to call him. When my dad was alive he borrowed a large amount of money from them and never paid them back, despite my parents needing it and fretting about it. Now in my mum's hour of need he has simply abandoned her.

When I texted him to find out why he is ignoring my mum he didn't answer but I got an extremely nasty text from his girlfriend saying to leave him alone because he is stressed. For context I have never asked much of him, I have always been pleasant to him and his girlfriend and very rarely asked him for support with my parents. But when my mum had her stroke surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to at least call her from time to time? He was happy enough to accept help from her when she was well.

I'm not well myself and have a disability, but my brother doesn't seem to care. He is rich and successful and I am not, due to my Autism, but I am expected to do everything alone. I feel so hurt, angry and let down by my brother and overwhelmed by the responsibility for my mum. I have no choice but to help her as she is very frail but will not accept carers or any outside help.

Is this a normal dynamic, when everything falls on the one sibling and the others just abandon the needy parent?

You reap what you sow with your kids. Your mother is seeing that now.

You don't have to do everything though. You can step back and force her to accept outside help.

I've got a very weak and pathetic mother. She used to be a rock for me and my sisters but from the age of 65 she's become unbearable.

My dad died 4 years ago. She's become old and unbearable. Doesn't move out of her chair.

But I visit 3 times a week... I can't /won't do anything to help her as I've had a Stroke!

Former older people's social worker here. It's so common I used to expect it, and was always pleasantly surprised when siblings worked together. My sis and I have not had the best relationship over the years but we did band together to care for our dying mum. Partly because of my experiences.

If they really don't, and it is not her decision to refuse an assessment (which can happen and can seem on the surface like SS refusal], that is against the law and you should contact your MP..

As your Mum doesn’t need physical help, you might want to contact Adult Social Services about someone to help her with admin., etc. After my step-mum died, my elderly Dad was struggling and a Community Assessor helped him with admin/practical matters for several weeks. They support people who are struggling with difficult situations, not just bereavement. It’s worth contacting them and seeing if that type of help is available in your area. A stroke is a life-changing event.

When your children grow up and know the truth ( as they should) they will be really proud of you. I wouldn’t even keep in contact with your dad

Elderly and disabled people DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to turn down services and then expect their family to do the work

I'm sorry but they very much do have that right. As cognitive decline sets in and the neural pathways are less flexible, they may choose to exercise that right. Common sense leaves the building, elderly friends and neighbours collude. Other people see it as an opportunity to slag off family members ( female) who make themselves ill trying to help.

Honestly I'd be very reluctant to get involved caring for someone that was refusing carers. I know it's selfish but I wouldn't want to risk getting in over my head.

Her Mum doesn’t need carers in the usual sense though, she needs someone to help with shopping and admin, and she needs company. Carers typically help with physical needs, getting someone out of bed, washed, etc.

That's what some carers do though. They might be called something like a PA more often but they can do things like shopping, assist with admin, provide companionship, drive/accompany to appointments.

I was just about to say the same thing.
They are often the most entitled to boot

@Willowcat77 such an interesting conversation thread. Similar situation very unpleasant mother, DF was her enabler and in his defence he had no real option as she was so controlling. Sister and I have done a lot of life admin in past 3 to 5 or so years. Ridiculous requests by mother for food delivery in Covid. Refused to accept supermarket delivery so we had to keep driving over with her very specific orders. I realise we didn’t need to but it was hard to say no. Fast forward DF needed nursing home care. Sis and I spent a week calling places explaining his needs and eventually found one. DBrother kept using the excuse he was ‘supporting my Mum’. Rubbish excuse as he ‘popped in’ occasionally. He was always the blue eyed boy as a kid. Daft as to be honest-really iffy life choices but in our mother’s eyes it was never ever his fault. DSis and I are pretty broken at the moment and overwhelmed at the fact mother refuses to engage with any help except us nearly 60 year olds cleaning for her, buying food and generally stepping up. My DSis (incredibly patient and stoical) partner sent our mother a text late last year asking her to not keep bothering the adult grandchildren at all times of day as they are busy and live on the other side of the country. DBrother showed the text to “everyone “ who proceeded to be “gobsmacked” at the “cruelty”. There is nothing wrong with our mother.She has always been the same so no change in behaviour. He seems to have failed to tell “everyone “ anything my DSis and I have done - my guess is they would be right to be “gobsmacked” if they knew the truth. Like mother like son is my thought. As ever thanks for the support and option to VENT. I watched the 102 year old do the Sky dive yesterday and pondered the fact whilst our mother wouldn’t do a skydive she could live another 20 years and I’ll be nearly 80 scrubbing her shower , shopping etc. Honestly I don’t think I can.

@EmotionalBlackmail Ah, I didn’t realize that. I’m assuming that the Mum would need to pay for the service? That might be a sticking point.

@AllPrincessAnneshorses Yes. I knew it was illegal. In the end mum paid for carers and had two lovely ladies. They were great. I rather suspect MPs are impotent in this. SS just don’t have the staff.

did get a phone call after DMs last stay in hospital. Social worker said she had spoken to the hospital and DM was coming home with 4 visits a day. This wasn’t what the discharge team or OPs had said to me. They said a care home. That was clearly the only possibility! I think SS thought they were paying so 4 visits a day was their cheapest offering. Mum went to a care home and died 6 months later. She was over 100 though. I never had 1 second of help from SS or my sisters. One of whom didn’t turn up to DMs 100 th birthday, or her children. So DH and me are done with them. Sticks in my throat that they are getting half her estate.

This is a myth. It is unlikey to happen, What is more is that somebody will whisper in Mums ear and get the lot.

As I said, Watch your back.

You won’t get free help unless you are on pension credit with next to no savings. You have to pay. Community nurses only do nursing, not other needs. It’s actually a nightmare.