Sibling not taking responsibility

[Willowcat77]

How common is it that when an elderly parent starts becoming needy all the responsibility for them falls on one child and the others just disappear?

This is what has happened to me. My 85 year old mother had a stroke and the OH nurse said she needs as much interaction as possible from family and friends for her brain to recover, but the only person to have stepped up is me. I am now literally the only person who helps and interacts with her. My brother doesn't even phone her any more. He was the Golden Child so my mum is distraught. He won't even answer the phone when she tries to call him. When my dad was alive he borrowed a large amount of money from them and never paid them back, despite my parents needing it and fretting about it. Now in my mum's hour of need he has simply abandoned her.

When I texted him to find out why he is ignoring my mum he didn't answer but I got an extremely nasty text from his girlfriend saying to leave him alone because he is stressed. For context I have never asked much of him, I have always been pleasant to him and his girlfriend and very rarely asked him for support with my parents. But when my mum had her stroke surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to at least call her from time to time? He was happy enough to accept help from her when she was well.

I'm not well myself and have a disability, but my brother doesn't seem to care. He is rich and successful and I am not, due to my Autism, but I am expected to do everything alone. I feel so hurt, angry and let down by my brother and overwhelmed by the responsibility for my mum. I have no choice but to help her as she is very frail but will not accept carers or any outside help.

Is this a normal dynamic, when everything falls on the one sibling and the others just abandon the needy parent?

I agree.

@Willowcat77 I totally get your problem. You need to get POA sorted out if you haven’t. For health and finance.

Then you need to accept your brother won’t help. I had 2 sisters who did exactly this. One didn’t visit for 6 years. Absence makes the heart grow fonder though! Other Dsis stopped visiting too. Trained in a senior healthcare role too. I emailed them. DD helped me compose the email. Basically you have to state you cannot do this alone. They do have a role. One butted out completely and the other stepped up and at least visited. After DM died, they haven’t helped clear the house, sort out the funeral etc - nothing. So we now aren’t going to have a relationship.

Save yourself by insisting your dm has help. You absolutely must. You cannot do it alone and need to care for yourself. DM didn’t want carers but we had the minimum. She then went into a care home. I simply could not look after her alone and the hospital said care home too. So selling the property was then down to me - of course! It’s relentless and it breaks you if you let it. I’ve not got anything for my efforts in financial terms but I have the moral high ground! I bothered. After 18, they disappeared for years. Look after yourself. No one else will. Your DM must be told what she needs to do to help you. You matter too. It’s a partnership.

Again to those who say 'there is no choice', people are missing the point that the OP is a vulnerable adult herself with a long term health condition and she admits that she has already been affected to the point where she had a breakdown.

It really is not safe for either individuals or feasible to suggest someone in that situation should look after another vulnerable adult long term.

OP you need to forget about the guilt and the pressure to do 'the right thing' and understand that you can't risk compromising your health in the process.

If you have a support worker or mental health nurse you need to speak to them and say you are not coping.

Your brother is not going to help, so there is no point wasting anymore time trying to get him to get involved, and you are struggling so it is time to ask for help from social services and again your mother will need to accept that you and your brother cannot be her carers.

Your mental and physical health OP is not any less important than your mother's.

Feel for you OP, I could have written this post myself.

Older DS, younger DB, and neither interested in supporting dad with caring for DM, so it was dad and me right til the end.

They both crawled out of their holes when they thought there might be a hit of inheritance for them though.

Makes me so mad. I see dad every single day now, have done since DM passed - and I'm proud of how well he's coping.
He talks a lot about inheritance and what he should do with the estate when he goes etc.
I've told him to spend the bloody lot and enjoy it while he can - we are not entitled to anything.

You will have the peace of a clear conscience and that is invaluable.

I was making the point that it’s not as black and white as just choose not to take on the care, OP clearly wants what’s best for her mum so would also suffer if she felt she was not looked after.

This is tough OP

But you need to reframe the issue

You are seeing as black and white. You either "abandon her completely" or "take on ALL the responsibilities"

Neither is ideal

You do not have to accept that your mum does "not accept carers or help"

You do not have to take on all the responsibility. You can tell your mum you are unable to do that and that she needs to get proper help.

Nobody will step in and save you I OP, you need to stand up for yourself and protect your own boundaries. You need to word it very clearly to doctors, social services, the council, your mum : I cannot and will not be your caretaker. There is no care in place. There is no family carer.

And yes, I have just done this myself with an elderly parent. I feel zero guilt

Yes, this is really common! Ironically my sibling only exists because our parents, both only children, didn't want me to be left dealing with their care needs on my own when they got older! They struggled with having an extra child, which affected my childhood too. I see my sibling about once a year now, never speak to him and he wasn't seen until the bitter end when our DDad was dying. I was the one who ran out doing shopping, cleaning, organising carers etc.

I realised this would repeat with our DM and I can't do it again, it was awful the first time round and I actually loved my DDad! I've accepted that my brother will be useless and do nothing to support DM. But that doesn't meant I have to jump in and do everything for her.

Work out what you can manage with your own health conditions. Draw that boundary. Anything else would have to be done by carers or by joining local groups. I do POA financial stuff, support with assistance with online things but I don't do physical caring, don't speak to her more than once a week and see her occasionally.

It also builds resilience. Even if you did take it all on, at some point you'd burnout, have a relapse or catch flu (or similar!). If you don't have a wider support network running then both of you are in trouble.

My DH does more for my DM than my brother does.

OP with your extra information, I would think differently about your mum.

She has been seriously affected by her stroke, especially in terms of memory and emotions.

If your brother rang her, would she remember?

When she says she doesn't want carers does she have capacity to make this decision? Can she appreciate what she needs help with, how much time you have available, weigh this up and make an appropriate decision or does she just fall back on crying and being scared?

When the Occupational Therapist said she needs social stimulation, I would interpret this as getting out, going to day centres, having carers etc not an expectation that you and your brother would be all of it.

Does she have a cleaner? That can be a way of getting used to someone, other than family, coming into the house. Then build up to a carer.

There are charities where volunteers go into people’s houses just to keep them company for an hour or so. Again could you start gradually with someone like that.

You need to tell your DM that you can’t do everything

Has your mum had a needs assessment?
Is she able to cook, shop etc for herself?
If it's purely social interaction is there any daycare services?

My DM (when younger) used to volunteer for the Stroke Association. She used to go to a day care centre and help with social activities, also used to go on day trips

@DoreenonTill8 Where we live, SS just don’t do them. They are supposed to come to
the home and assess what the elderly person can do. They don’t. DM left hospital 3 times with nothing in place. Every time - over 90. As soon as they sniff a relative, they won’t bother. So you have to pay. Then DM tells you about all those dutiful daughters she knows! The ones who simply give up their lives for their parents. I’ve got dc and a dh. DM had to accept my life was not going to be purely looking after her. Working together with give and take is what is best but not 100% on one sibling.

@Willowcat77 if I tell you one brother refused to video call my mum in her last couple of months (wanted to remember her how she was. If only I’d had that luxury), one visited once and one didn’t even log on to the remote link for her funeral, you’ll understand why I get the situation you find yourself in. They’ve been no better with Dad in a care home. People are endlessly disappointing I’m afraid. I comfort myself with the hope they will, one day, have a long dark night of the soul…

It's such a difficult situation isn't it? I have this situation now with my in-laws who have four children. Two have really stepped up and do so much for them. Things like being at their house nearly everyday, organising cleaners and carers, doing shopping, cleaning, running them to appointments, life admin etc. It's just never ending. The other two do very little and I don't think realise how much the two that do, actually do. The father should really be in a care home but they wanted to keep him at home and the mother has become very needy. This takes my partner away from us when we have a young family and because he is doing so much for them he is becoming tired. We have our own juggle of both working, having a young family and trying to keep on top of things in our own house. It's not an easy situation. Potentially they could be around for maybe another 15 years and I don't think that anymore would be able to cope with things like they are for so long. X

My hubby is the "scapegoat" child and BIL is the golden child who has schemed his way through all of their private pension.

I used to be very close to them, take them places, buy them things, holidays together, take MIL to work, appointments etc. I was there when she received her cancer diagnosis.

BIL behaved in a disgusting way towards us (10 year build up) and we decided to cut ties and distance ourselves from him. MIL wasn't happy with this and decided to punish us by ostracizing us from the wider family and becoming very cold and nasty towards us.

Safe to say after years of frosty relations, my hubby has now distanced himself completely. We certainly won't be caring for her in her latter years, niether will he so she will have a very lonely existence.

My hubby will feel elements of guilt, elements of shame even but he won't relent after all the hurt that's been caused. Sometimes people have to make decisions which are best for them.

I think @Stressmess post above has it with It's just never ending and I'd add to that, it's never enough...

it sounds as if your brother has always been a selfish person who takes from others rather than gives. Unfortunately, people like that don’t suddenly become kind and caring when their parents become elderly.

You just have accept that he’s not a kind person. If you want to have a go at him about it, go ahead, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t achieve anything.

Re. Social interaction. Do you have any other relatives or family friends who might be willing to ring/visit your Mum sometimes if you explained that she’s lonely? I’m quite upfront about this for my widowed Dad and have asked ppl to keep in touch with him-and most do. Just the occasional phone call can make a big difference.

Watch your back would be my advice.

Where possible outsource all.the things that can be done so that u can continue being daughter instead of carer. It will better for everyone all round. This will preserve your relationship. U will be able to do the 'nice' things instead of chores.

I feel if you can communicate somehow with your brother mum needs a carer can he pay some at least, maybe it would ease the burden? It sounds awful I am sorry you are stuck with this. I agree with many posters about brothers being favourites then disappearing when their mum needs them. A future scenario I’m sure I’m going to encounter.

Completely agree!

Mum needs to accept carers, and if she won't you need to back off until she will. Elderly and disabled people DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to turn down services and then expect their family to do the work. And I say that as a woman in my 60s with a painful physical disability. Your mum is the one being unreasonable here.

As for your brother, he's a lousy human being for not contacting his mum, but you can't change him. There are no magic words to make him step up, so stop driving yourself crazy trying to get him to do something he won't. Get carers for mum and let db make his own (poor) decisions.

Op please read @AnnaMagnani's post above, it's very important.

Your mum's stroke and the changes in her must have been such a shock to you. By the sound of it, she's not getting the kind of therapy she has the right to expect. I work for a stroke team and I know how we sometimes load things onto the family that they really should push back on - they should ask us to imagine what they are dealing with. But so often they want so desperately to help that they just agree without questions. And then you have this frankly unacceptable response from your brother. Not even calling your mum is pathetic. The distress that causes her, and the anger you feel, is yet more on your shoulders.

Ask the occupational therapist for more information. The stroke association, Age UK may have help, and there are often local organisations that can help too. Tell the OT what's going on.

Thanks for all your replies I really appreciate it. My mum doesn't need nursing care but she is now like a frightened child so needs practical help and lots of reassurance and kindness. That's impossible to outsource, unfortunately. She has a weird ability to mask how bad she is when medical professionals are around, so they say she has 'capacity', but I don't think she has. She is a Jehovah's Witness but is too scared to go to meetings any more and they have given up on her, so she is extremely isolated and depressed. I am the only person who helps her and the responsibility is terrifying.