Sibling not taking responsibility

[Willowcat77]

How common is it that when an elderly parent starts becoming needy all the responsibility for them falls on one child and the others just disappear?

This is what has happened to me. My 85 year old mother had a stroke and the OH nurse said she needs as much interaction as possible from family and friends for her brain to recover, but the only person to have stepped up is me. I am now literally the only person who helps and interacts with her. My brother doesn't even phone her any more. He was the Golden Child so my mum is distraught. He won't even answer the phone when she tries to call him. When my dad was alive he borrowed a large amount of money from them and never paid them back, despite my parents needing it and fretting about it. Now in my mum's hour of need he has simply abandoned her.

When I texted him to find out why he is ignoring my mum he didn't answer but I got an extremely nasty text from his girlfriend saying to leave him alone because he is stressed. For context I have never asked much of him, I have always been pleasant to him and his girlfriend and very rarely asked him for support with my parents. But when my mum had her stroke surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to at least call her from time to time? He was happy enough to accept help from her when she was well.

I'm not well myself and have a disability, but my brother doesn't seem to care. He is rich and successful and I am not, due to my Autism, but I am expected to do everything alone. I feel so hurt, angry and let down by my brother and overwhelmed by the responsibility for my mum. I have no choice but to help her as she is very frail but will not accept carers or any outside help.

Is this a normal dynamic, when everything falls on the one sibling and the others just abandon the needy parent?

BeaRF75 · Today 10:08
There is no obligation for anyone to "take responsibility", OP. You and your sibling have simply made different choices - neither of you is wrong. Each individual has to do what is right for them.”

Absolutely this. I feel no responsibility for my mother.
We are very close to our children but the idea that they should feel responsible for us in years to come is just wrong. We are putting things in place to ensure that they never feel any such pressure. If they want to visit because they enjoy our company, great but the idea of them in anyway providing “care” is just not on the radar. That’s not why we had them.

This. You can’t change him op. That doesn’t mean you need to do it all. It is not your responsibility, or indeed his. If she needs carers, she gets carers. Don’t be a martyr, you will only hurt yourself.

I think that posters saying that there is a choice are deluded. There isn’t the care system in place to ensure that elderly lone parents that are not needing full time medical care get the assistance they need from the state to live independently.

@user1474315215 it’s not always the physical care but actually checking there is care in place? My DB sending flowers isn’t checking whether DM is still able to fend for herself, eating well, mental capacity is still there etc That bit is very much left to me.

Exactly the point I was trying to make.

Ask for all the inheritance to be transferred to you before you die. If you were to leave your mum to be at the centre of the care services, the cost weekly will be substantial. People in your circumstance are treated like slaves and after your mum dies. The vultures will be flocking for their shares.

From a different point of view - maybe the DB is totally overwhelmed with both his mum and sisters medical / mental health issues and his way of coping is to totally withdraw?

I treat people based on how they treated me in their prime, when life was easier for them.

So my dad spent his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and early 60’s getting high on cocaine and alcohol. He went to rehab 3 years ago and has been clean since. He is expecting everyone to rally round him and for him to basically pick up from where he left us in childhood.

I’m a parent myself and have had to sacrifice like most parents for my children, my dad never did. I can’t fully forgive him, so when he says how lonely he is I think well you made your bed.

He is very charming but once you speak to him a few times he becomes a racist who says things about how my mum stopped him seeing us which is a lie. I have to keep fact checking him it’s just that he has no excuse for why he preferred to get high to seeing his own children. When he gets like this I have to space out the calls again until he goes back to being surface level nice.

Was your mum nice to you? Were you the scape goat? If you were I would be doing the bare minimum and getting carers in.

It’s not your brothers fault you can’t say no. Was your mum really an okay parent if there was a ‘golden child’ dynamic? That doesn’t sound like it would have been healthy for either of you growing up.

Have you looked into things like befrienders to support your Mum with social interaction? Age UK have lots of information about this and how to find a befriended which can be via telephone or face to face: www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

No, my brother has never helped or supported me in any way, quite the opposite. I helped him during some difficult times in his life and he was always the one getting financial help from my parents when my dad was still alive.

I have no choice but to help her as she is very frail but will not accept carers or any outside help

You do have a choice.

Your mother sounds like a very selfish manipulative woman who is happy to watch her disabled daughter struggle to the point of a mental breakdown, as long as she gets what she wants i.e. no outside help.

If you look there is generally a lot of support available for elderly people especially if they can pay for it.

I am not elderly but I am disabled following an accident.

I go to various physio groups for people who have had strokes/accidents, my local church runs coffee mornings and lunch clubs. I have joined a community choir.

I'm about to employ someone to batch cook for me every week as I'm too disabled to cook any more. I have a cleaner.

Your mother does not have to rely on family for socialisation. She can get out and join things and in fact there are many organisations who specifically organise stuff for people in her sort of situation,

She could try:
Her local church/or if she is not Christian her mosque or gurdwara
The stroke association run events both online and in person
Her local hospital will offer physio and she can also employ a private physio (I have done this for eight of the last ten years)
I go to seated exercise groups run by my local leisure centre.

Tell your rich, successful brother to pay for a carer to cover his 50% of help for your mother if he's not able to help himself. Point out you're stressed too.

@SauviGone I wish it was that simple! The problem is the stroke has left my mum very vulnerable. Her short term memory is gone and she is scared of all humans, apart from me and my brother. Thankfully she can wash/feed herself etc so she doesn't need nursing care but she has become very child-like and difficult.

Op I'm so sorry this is how you find yourself, in my experience yes.

My sister has completely washed her hands of my my mum she's in her 80s and needs help, my sister has decided that my mum was somehow abusive and written an entire untrue narrative to justify her lack of giving a shit. She's simply walked away. No we don't speak.

It's awful but afraid it's what I'm dealing with as well.

Sorry missed she won't accept carers

The best solution to this is to find a carer that you pay privately.

She then comes with you whenever you visit your mum.

You treat her like she has always been there. Play board games with her, watch tv with her, do hand physio with her, etc etc.

Over time your mum will get used to her and you will be able to leave "early" and then eventually your mum will be ok with her on her own.

@PolaroidPrincess It's not always the brother! My husband was the one who was doing a hundred mile round trip three times a week, and staying over some nights, despite being disabled himself, while his sister, who lived 5 minutes away, was never there. This was not at all unexpected, as she generally was only nice to MIL when she wanted money. Her Oscar worthy display of grief at the funeral was truly nauseating though.

I think it is common.

Some people need prompting to keep up very basic contact with their families, perhaps he is one of these. It sounds like his girlfriend hasn’t figured out that it’s her job yet. 🙄

having said that there might be more to his personal situation or his relationship with his mum that you are aware of.

Absolutely this. If family members don't help, then the situation will deteriorate rapidly - so who should deal? Not saying it's right by any means but some can walk away more easily than others.
My siblings left it to me - they didn't even respond to call alarms when I was away - the police had to attend. Our mother would have died for all they cared.
She's gone now but I actually treasure the time that I spent with her before she died.
I never want to see them again - I hope their DC treat them the same way.

Sad for your Mum but equally sad that your mother will not accept help so that you are not as burdened.
You should only do what you can do happily.

Insist that your mother uses the services of others too.
Arrange for a cleaner etc.

SusieSussex · Today 12:27
Sorry missed she won't accept carers

She may well if OP doesn’t go so often.

I'm in the same position with my siblings and terminally ill mother. I'm also autistic and it's very hard, but I'm also glad I can support my mum. From what I understand, this is very common

Well. Ready to be flamed for questioning an individuals right to do whatever the hell they please but…..
of course he should call her OP. And visit. And generally help. No wonder things are the state they are with all these people expecting everyone else to do the hard work. What was it one of you said ‘must do what’s right for the individual’ my goodness, what a truly depressing nihilistic selfish attitude.
if you want community, society and family support - you do rather have to participate in it.
if your parent was half decent and not abusive the idea you just walk away and do what’s right for you is beyond sickening, if you think the current NHS can provide above minimal care and you want your mum to sit in her own s**t then go for it.
Sometimes we have to do hard, unpleasant, difficult things because they are the right thing to do. But the levels of selfishness all around have now reached the heights that apparently none of us even owe care to a decent parent. Obligation and reciprocity is the bedrock of society. And frankly, most of us are rejecting it.

I grew up with that and put up with that shit for another twenty years as an adult. I too struggle to say no. I am not even sure it's a feature of autism, but of parents not respecting their own boundaries and teaching their children to not have any boundaries of their own.

However, interacting with my family was slowly erroding myself and I struggled to function on a normal basis every time I got another cry-call from my mother or after having to deal with my father's tantrums. I got sick of it. I realized that if I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

OP, you are the only one who can protect yourself and guard your own boundaries. It's not cruel to look after you own needs first. In fact your mom has been very cruel leeching off of you emotionally and now guiltripping you into tying yourself to her like this. You need to look after yourself.

You can do what you are able to for your mom if that's what you want, but not at your own expense.