Advice: gentle encouragement to stop driving not worked

[NettieHead]

Hoping someone might be able to give me some pointers my elderly step GF really shouldn't be driving. Having spoken to him, I get the feeling he doesn't feel capable, but both him and my DGM are so fixated on him continuing to drive (indeed DGM says he may as well go into a home if he can't drive - it's a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship, with the added issues of cognitive decline, but that's another story) that the gentle conversations/suggestions that it's time to stop just haven't landed.

I'm worried for their safety, but more importantly the safety of pedestrians and other road users. It feels like it's all going to blow up when I step in more firmly. Is there any help I can get to do this more gently/remove myself from the centre of the equation? Is it something their GP could be involved in?

I guess if it comes to it, I'm just going to have to be the "trouble-maker" - it feels better coming from me than either DM or uncle having to potentially damage their relationship with their mother.

Any advice on how to do make this happen, but as gently/kindly as possible? (We have been laying the ground work, bus passes, familiarisation with bus routes, taxi numbers, suggesting mobility scooter etc. and of course will be on hand to help too - just trying to minimise the loss of independence feeling). They are both late 80's if that is relevant.

Is there a diagnosis of cognitive decline or just a gut feeling on your part?

This might be a start as he would need to inform the DVLA and his insurers of any diagnosis

You can report your concerns to the DVLA there is an online form. You have to give your details but they are not passed onto the person you are reporting. This initiates a GP review re fitness to drive which sadly my 85 yr old father passed.

Your grandmother is giving him the message that he will/should go into a home if he doesn't drive?!

I'm not sure you're the best person to intercede on this one.

The loss of their independence is far less to worry about than your GF killing someone - please act before someone is hurt or killed. If gentle persuasion isn't working then someone - you by the sound of it - is going to have to do the right thing.

And don't allow the 'lost independence' guilt trip - there are buses. There are taxis. There are trains. Get onto the DVLA and they will take action.

Is he renewing his licence every 3 years? We told FIL when he could renew the licence and insurance himself he could have his car back. He has vascular dementia. After his diagnosis the doctor referred him to a local assessment centre to get re-tested. He got lost getting there despite us telling and showing him where it was, and he had to be rescued. We then removed the car.

I'm 77 and decided a few years ago that eveytime I need to renew my licence I will pay for a DVLA approved medical, the type bus drivers and HGV drivers need to take. If I fail I will stop driving as I don't want to cause an accident.
Can you suggest that your stepGF does one of these medicals to reasure you that he is fit to drive?

He has a diagnosis of dementia of some sort - I feel silly for not thinking of that, but the doctors know he still drives (I know they have asked how he feels about driving still in the recent past), so I guess it didn't occur to me to think about his responsibility to report to DVLA/insurers. Sorry if that sounds a bit daft, it's new territory to me and I hadn't given much thought to the practicalities of helping them as they age.

I know. I don't even know where to start on that one, other than it is incredibly sad to see two people so unhappy and entrenched in their behaviours/attitudes and to become so disrespectful of each other. I hope DH and I will always stay mindful of supporting each others needs/wants, be kind to each other.

If he has a diagnosis it makes it a lot easier. He is legally obliged to inform the DVLA and if he hasn't told them and his insurers, he is effectively driving uninsured.

If he won't do it, you can report him to the DVLA. They will as his GP for a report - this might be enough to stop him driving. If not he'll be sent for a driving test, and even if he passes he'll be checked on regularly to make sure he is still safe. DH has a reportable condition, he had to prove every year he was fit to drive and only got given annual licences.

I reported my FIL - just be ready to firmly insist it wasn't you and encourage them to think maybe it was somebody he's seen in a clinic. For FIL he was outraged that the DVLA was checking up on him but when he went to see his GP, the GP told him there and then to stop, for which we were all very grateful.

forgot the link:

https://www.gov.uk/dementia-and-driving

Oh blimey - if he has dementia report to the DVLA!

If you were really worried I wouldn’t be beyond organising a bit of mechanical failure in the meantime.

You're 100% right. Someone further down the post has suggested about DVLA medicals. I think that gives me a really good opening to effectively give an ultimatum. He will never in a million years agree to undertaking one, which hopefully will make him feel able to hand over the car keys. I'll offer to do the leg work of selling the car for them, and that gives them a starter taxi fund.

Doe he have dementia?

If no cognitive decline then leave him alone. Plenty of people drive fine at 85 and beyond. My friend who is 92 drove me into town last week.

Thank you, this is helpful. I'll get online.

Thanks, more helpful advice. I honestly feel so naïve that I hadn't given more thought to this before now, and don't know more about the rules regarding your license once you are older. (They previously lived down south and moved up north to be nearer us, so it hadn't been staring me in the face previously)

I need to double check the "diagnosis", but there was definitely an assessment carried out that identified early onset of dementia/some kind of cognitive degeneration.

Instead of gentle encouragement, just be honest and direct. You can do that without being mean.
Present your worries to them, explain why, and offer a solution:

You are concerned about his ability to drive safely. You are worried an accident will happen and cause harm to him or someone else. You love him and want to protect him and keep him safe.
There are other transport options available and you can help him find them - local buses, taxis.
He can perhaps try these alternatives for a couple of weeks to see how he gets on and you can be available to help during this time.

Take the keys, deny all knowledge.

@RandomMess we tried that. And claiming the car was 'broken'

Finding FIL on the phone to the car dealer to buy a new one was the final straw.

My dad 95 blames me for 'making' him sell the car when he moaned how much his new insurance premium 900. was going to be I said 7 grand is an awful lot of taxi fares dad ..... go figure ??

You could contact your local police station and discuss this issue with your local traffic police.

After an elderly driver nearly killed my husband last year, I happen to know that they estimate that 75% of their workload is dealing with elderly drivers who cannot always cognitively respond to other drivers soon enough to avoid collisions. And then dealing with families like mine, affected by the fallout.

A spouse not coming home from work, being in ICU for weeks and having to recover from the impact (literally) of an elderly driver is not something I'd wish on anyone. But having had a lot to do with traffic police for a pending prosecution - they are really lovely and want to make a difference and talking to your relative may be effective in getting them to realise their life has to change. They'd rather talk to alive and we'll people than people like us, who are devastated by the choice of an elderly person to drive beyond their capability.

The possible outcome of a prosecution is prison. Whilst I think it is more likely a suspended sentence, it's hardly the point if the collision has resulted with life changing injuries. At best.

So I suggest contacting your local traffic police for preventative, not punitive, conversations.

Just a short distance from where I live an elderly woman lost control of her car, mounted the pavement and killed a toddler. Not only was this life lost but the driver had to carry the guilt of what she’d done.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5ylx5ex4ydo

Yes, I have been more direct this week. The denial is strong. I definitely don't want to take the keys and deny knowledge, as that seems cruel just to avoid my own discomfort, but I think I am at the point of taking the keys and telling them I'm taking the keys.

I'm sorry that happened to your husband. This is what worries me. It's always innocent people in the wrong place at the wrong time who get hurt by dangerous drivers.

Yep, absolute worst nightmare situation - and my biggest fear with him continuing to drive.

I have a plan of action, and will get on it tomorrow.