Advice: gentle encouragement to stop driving not worked

[NettieHead]

Hoping someone might be able to give me some pointers my elderly step GF really shouldn't be driving. Having spoken to him, I get the feeling he doesn't feel capable, but both him and my DGM are so fixated on him continuing to drive (indeed DGM says he may as well go into a home if he can't drive - it's a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship, with the added issues of cognitive decline, but that's another story) that the gentle conversations/suggestions that it's time to stop just haven't landed.

I'm worried for their safety, but more importantly the safety of pedestrians and other road users. It feels like it's all going to blow up when I step in more firmly. Is there any help I can get to do this more gently/remove myself from the centre of the equation? Is it something their GP could be involved in?

I guess if it comes to it, I'm just going to have to be the "trouble-maker" - it feels better coming from me than either DM or uncle having to potentially damage their relationship with their mother.

Any advice on how to do make this happen, but as gently/kindly as possible? (We have been laying the ground work, bus passes, familiarisation with bus routes, taxi numbers, suggesting mobility scooter etc. and of course will be on hand to help too - just trying to minimise the loss of independence feeling). They are both late 80's if that is relevant.

You mean stop worrying about the fact that she’s unsafe, seriously debilitated and a liability on the roads? She’s had several near misses. I don’t want a death or injury that’s she’s caused on my conscience (and it would be).

I suspect as with a PP both the GP and the consultant think that the other is doing something about it. My DM hides the letters and lies about them to us.

This happened with my parent and we booked her an assessment with a driving instructor so they could independently assess their driving. We were there for the feedback after.

Fortunately a hike in insurance and other costs meant they gave up,soon after.
0ld people seem pathologically wired not to consider using taxis imo.

Well if worrying makes you feel as though you are doing something then crack on. I guess you could dob her into the police if she's been expressly told not to drive in writing.

<sigh> of course worrying doesn’t make me feel like I’m ’doing something’.

The events around her driving are escalating and she won’t stop. She’s had be driven home by a passerby (a nurse who told her she shouldn’t be driving) and her car brought back by someone else because she wasn’t capable of driving home.

Reporting anonymously to the police is probably the best option.

My friend who is 92 drove me into town last week.

So?

You think everyone at that age is fit to drive? Of course not! Blimey. Talk about denial.....

My step father passed the test although he had dementia. He had a particularly good day. What stopped him was another motorist pulling him over and telling him straight he shouldn’t be driving.

My mum stopped aged 88 after 2 accidents - 6 months apart. The ambulance man talked to her about his own mum who had recently stopped driving and she realised that she could not go on.

I think someone, health professional, police or whatever needs to speak to them, family views are disregarded.

My mum was adamant she wouldn’t use taxis after a rude driver years ago but now she has a great relationship with a local firm and gets on well with the drivers. She had previously said she would commit suicide if she had to give up driving.

Of course I'm not in denial 😄 if a gp has told them don't drive then don't drive. Otherwise its none of your business.

I’d love for it to be none of my business.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that in real life.

What are you going to do then?

Write to the GP, contact DVLA and call her local police station.

This is the good and responsible thing to do. Thank you for doing it and keeping other road users safe.

@NettieHead
Maybe you could organise an older driver assessment

www.olderdrivers.org.uk/driver-assessment/find-a-driver-assessment/#:~:text=This%20type%20of%20driving%20assessment,taking%20further%20training%20if%20necessary.

We convinced my FiL to stop driving using finance. We added up all the costs associated with owning a car, versus what a taxi would cost to take him to SiL's once a week, Sainsbury's twice a week.
He saw the benefit of not owning a car, especially when he got cash for selling it.

My fil was always going to stop driving, when he hit 80, then 85 then MiL was diagnosed with dementia so it was I need to drive to take her to the hospital. It wasn't until MiL wouldn't leave the garden that he gave up, mostly. We got him set up with Tesco delivery, which we'd do for him, but he'd always say he didn't need anything. He'd dash into town whilst MiL' s carer was there

If we suggested going to see them it was always MiL isn't too good today and doesn't want visitors.

Luckily he never had an accident but I think it was luck more than anything

I'm getting to the same point with my own mum, she is 80 and definitely has some deterioration in her driving, she now only drives to the local Tesco. Won't drive in the dark. But the last few times I've been in the car it's like she's oblivious to what is happening around her, she's driving half into the other lane, terrible going around roundabouts, slow pulling out of junctions, etc. But if she has you in the car as a captive audience she is so busy yakking that I'm not sure whether the lack of focus is due to that or genuine loss of ability.

OK, not sure the DVLA will listen otherwise anyone could act in bad faith. Gp might though. The police will refer you to her gp.

0ld people seem pathologically wired not to consider using taxis imo. When “old people” were growing up, taxis were not the commonplace mode of transport that they are today. Partly the expense, partly perhaps because it’s that much more complicated to order one if you don’t have a mobile.

@Prenelope the DVLA have a standard procedure of letting the person know and asking for permission to contact their GP.

The letter makes it clear you can't say no and then expect the DVLA to give up.