Does anyone else dread old age based on their own parents situation (dementia)??

[WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople]

I really do want to live to a ripe old age.

However, I don't want to live like my parents. My poor mum bent over with osteoporosis, with a pacemaker due to heart disease, confused to hell due to her 6 year long journey with Alzheimer's and now with the added addition of a breast cancer diagnosis.

Nor do I want to live like my dad who, at almost 83 is actually in great health but is angry, bitter and depressed because he secretly resents my mum's illnesses and says he may as well have dementia because his life is over and who will put lots of pressure on his two daughters (who each have their own health issues) to come round as much as possible (4-5 times a week in my case) and help because he really doesn't want to spend too much of his ££££'s savings and is also stressed at the thought of all the money he's worked hard for (worked until he was in his late 70's) and inherited has to be all spent on extortionate care home costs.

No, I want to live like my 92 year old neighbour (who looks about 70), who still drives, almost jogs to the local shop every morning to get his paper, who has a brain as sharp as a 20 something and seems to be loving every day on this planet.

I know everything in life is just a great big stroke of luck but I watching my own parents suffer has made me so fearful of old age but especially dementia, it takes so much away from everyone involved, it truly is the thief of joy.

Sorry, title wasn't supposed to have double question marks!

Yes, my dad has alzheimer’s and the thought of getting it scares the living daylights out of me. I’m 54 and every single time I forget something or someone’s name it I panic that it’s the start of dementia.

I am exactly the same. I am 51 and sometimes my brain isn't as sharp as it used to be and it throws me into complete panic. I just hope it's down to stress and perimenopause.

It’s not always just luck, there’s lots you can do to reduce your risks.

But yes, totally agree with you, I have a similar situation as you with parents, with not as much pressure as you to assist.

Because I’ve laid out very clearly the help I’m willing to offer and if they’re not prepared to pay for anything beyond that, well they’ll have to struggle alone. (Part of reducing my risk factors is reducing stress, anxiety and trying to avoid depression).

DH and I are using our parents as a blueprint of exactly what not to do.

Yes !
My nan and my mum and both her sisters have / had dementia .
It frightens the absolute shit out of me and is like a black cloud over my life .. my mum is utterly vile to me and yet I'm her person .

I am 100 % going to dignitas. I will not put my family through what she has and is putting me through .

It's the cruelest awful illness .

Also because of it I don't smoke / drink / eat clean and exercise to try and negate the risk but it's tiresome and I wish so much I had better odds..

Yup. Since about 45 I have felt as though an unknown something health wise is creeping up behind me so am ultra careful, not in a weird way, to live a healthy life and keep exercising. No Alzheimer’s diagnosis but my dad has serious mobility and health issues and is depressed and frustrated in a nursing home. His life has reduced to looking out if a window and no savings left. I intend to end my own life if I am ever not useful or independent in any way.

Maybe your dad's life would be easier if your mum was in a nursing home.

i think your 92 year old neighbour is in the minority. That’s why I have no desire to live for that long!
My relative at 92 was in late stage dementia and had been through the kind of suffering that no-one should ever go through, ever. It scares the crap out of me too.
Writing a Living Will is on my to-do list. It’s just a small bit of control that we can have over our circumstances in case we ever get to that stage.

I am 100 % going to dignitas. I will not put my family through what she has and is putting me through .

@boredybored I agree with you entirely but I don’t think Dignitas will take people with dementia as they, Dignitas, can’t be sure the children haven’t pressurised them to go.

There does seem to be a lot of promising developments in dementia research at the moment.

My poor mum had no risk factors. No family members with it, she has been slim all her life, never smoked or drank and exercised loads. I am very similar to my mum and live in fear of this awful disease but like you I am using this as a guide of what not to do if this comes our way.

I will never put my dc under any pressure to help look after us should the worst happen.

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople does your mother have attendance allowance?

Also with that complexity of need, she needs specialist nursing care and that should be state funded. There's a name which I can't recall right now but Google and it will pop up. Most cases are won on appeal.

I suspect your father is grieving for what might have been. I suspect you need to be clear that you will do x and y and more had to be paid for.

Alzheimers is wicked. My grannie suffered the entire spectrum and died weighing 4.5 stone having forgotten to swallow by then. Sadly she was physically as fit as a flea and nothing else took her before the alzheimers wrought it's worst.

It really is just the most awful disease, I agree.

His life would be easier if he were just to agree to paying for the carer to come more and to agree to the sit in service which he knows about but refuses to pay for yet happily leaves me to sit with mum whilst he goes out.

If and when my mum goes into care, I know my dad and he won't visit often as he won't like it so the visiting will be left to me.

I don't think about it for myself at all, other than having POAs in place just in case. That means the people I trust will (hopefully) do right by me, and they will not have to look after me or pay anything towards my care either as I can afford to be looked after wherever is suitable.

Tomorrow never comes. When it does it is Today!

I work within a caring role and do know quite a few in their late 80's and 90's who are doing really well. We have a 101 year old down the road who uses an ipad and iphone, her brain is a sharp as a tack.

But I know that is sadly not the story for many. DH and I are also thinking of a living will.

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople my parents are exactly the same. My mum died two years ago, crippled with arthritis, heart problems and dementia. My dad is exactly the same age, he acts and looks like he's 50 !!! (80 next year!!!). Regularly walks 3 or miles at a time, swims, does lawn and ten pin bowling. Always on the go. Sending hugs x I've decided I'm going to dignitas if I get really ill. Not fair on my children

Sadly most of these promising results won't be available to every day folk for decades though.

My poor dad got so excited recently when the media got hold of a story saying there were new dementia medications only to discover they won't be available for at least another 5-10 years, way too late for mum.

I'm not dreading old age, I've done all I can to optimize my health.

Mum does have AA, it pays for her carer to come every morning to help mum shower and dress and for a couple of hours a week at a day centre .

Luckily, mum isn't at the point of needing nursing care yet. Her BC is controlled with medication, heart issues controlled by a pacemaker. She is still able to walk with a stick even though she is quite bent over with the osteoporosis but is mobile and can easily get herself out and in to a chair (we have had all the assessments via SS). The dementia is getting worse, as expected but atm she still recognises us and isn't yet incontinent.

Tbh, my biggest worry is my dad as he is so miserable because he is used to coming and going and always doing his own thing. I appreciate it's because he is grieving, we all are but sadly my dad has always been a selfish person and resents the life he currently lives. He won't talk to the doctor about it and until he does it will eat him away but he refuses any suggestions of help from outside sources.

I am sorry for the loss of your mum, it is an awful disease and combined with other issues makes for a miserable end to life.

I am doing all I can to be healthy but it is hard, I certainly will not wish to put any pressure on my dc should I succumb to it.

I do too. I have never smoked, I never drink. I am slim, I exercise every day, I read and keep my brain as active as possible, I have no hearing issues, no sight issues (and I have regular checks) and I keep my blood pressure and blood sugars optimal etc but these were also all the things my mum did and she still got it and watching her suffer does leave me feeling fearful.

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople thank you for your kind words. I think when you have seen your own parents/grandparents suffer with illness it makes you more aware of your own children and what they will have to face. Just have to live each day the best you can. Sending hugs 🙏❤️💐

@Barbadossunset I will go when I know it's coming .. you don't wake up with it so I'll have enough clarity to know when it's time . Shit but there it is