Does anyone else dread old age based on their own parents situation (dementia)??

[WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople]

I really do want to live to a ripe old age.

However, I don't want to live like my parents. My poor mum bent over with osteoporosis, with a pacemaker due to heart disease, confused to hell due to her 6 year long journey with Alzheimer's and now with the added addition of a breast cancer diagnosis.

Nor do I want to live like my dad who, at almost 83 is actually in great health but is angry, bitter and depressed because he secretly resents my mum's illnesses and says he may as well have dementia because his life is over and who will put lots of pressure on his two daughters (who each have their own health issues) to come round as much as possible (4-5 times a week in my case) and help because he really doesn't want to spend too much of his ££££'s savings and is also stressed at the thought of all the money he's worked hard for (worked until he was in his late 70's) and inherited has to be all spent on extortionate care home costs.

No, I want to live like my 92 year old neighbour (who looks about 70), who still drives, almost jogs to the local shop every morning to get his paper, who has a brain as sharp as a 20 something and seems to be loving every day on this planet.

I know everything in life is just a great big stroke of luck but I watching my own parents suffer has made me so fearful of old age but especially dementia, it takes so much away from everyone involved, it truly is the thief of joy.

We plan our on doing something similar.

Tbh, as sad as it is many older people don’t have frequent visitors regardless of where they live. Think I’d rather be in a retirement flat with those around me in a similar position than like my parents or many similar to them, stuck in their now very empty family home surrounded by young, busy families who are never there. It’s very lonely.
Dh’s grandmother was in a retirement flat and really enjoyed it, she had frequent visitors from her elderly neighbours and they also popped in on her. A minibus came once a week to take them to the supermarket. She seemed very happy there.

I think it depends on your own family situation. My own parents moved to a flat as soon as their youngest left school. It didn’t have the space for any of us to stay so we never really saw each other apart from their trips to stay with or near us for three days once a year. We stayed with our in-laws instead who had the space and welcomed us. They moved to a bungalow in their eighties when MIL couldn’t manage stairs.

I'm quite envious of people that don't have to worry about this until their 80s or even 90s. My dad was around 60 when we first noticed some strange things that he was forgetting. It feels like a time bomb.

I've become quite angry with people that congratulate themselves on their healthy lifestyles and exercise regime. Being physically able to run or cycle past middle age is a privilege not available to everyone.

I know a lady same age as Prince Charles who climbs mountains, cycles for miles and walks for long distances. She has many interests and is sharp as a pin. We are all different.

@GorgeousTulips, that lady is in an enormously privileged position. It is quite damaging when people who have won the genetic lottery are held up as something that we can all aspire to.

I think unless you have arthritis in your feet/knees/hips or an auto immune condition or countless other things personally. It is too easy to believe that their is some magic to diet and exercise that prevents these things.

It is an attitude that is also responsible for some very poor health/ medical provision and a hierarchy of treatments.

Thanks for this thread (I think 🥴) it is both comforting to know I’m not the only one and distressing to think of what might be to come.

My mum is 84, had a stroke 6 months ago and recently had her memory assessment. I know she has been developing dementia for at least 5 years but it has worsened since the stroke. I’m told her assessment points towards a vascular element… don’t know if this is a good thing 🤷🏼‍♀️ she has recently been told she has tachycardia and slightly low sodium. I feel so guilty for hoping the heart issues take her before the dementia worsens.
I am an only child living overseas. Already it is affecting how I live my life getting back to visit more regularly and I am constantly doing mum-admin.
My Dad on the other hand has just turned 85 (they’ve been divorced 46 years) has just been cleared by the surgeon after his 2nd hip replacement to drive and is back playing 18 holes.
I don’t know which one I’ll take after but I know which one I hope it is 🥺

@WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople
I suspect moving house is a limited benefit anyway. The one plus point of my grandparents staying in their house was that in the last year of their life they each had a downstairs 'bedroom' - lounge and dining room - and their live-in carer used their former upstairs bedroom. It was cheaper to have a live-in carer than for them both to go to a care home (which they wouldn't have accepted anyway!)

In more positive news, my neighbour is 87 and is as active as I am! He swims and cycles every day. He only gave up jogging last year!

This is such a huge issue that we (as a society) shy away from all the time.

MIL is immobile, doubly incontinent, unable to communicate, doesn't recognise her own children, can't feed / drink herself. She's kept clean, fed, hydrated, etc and given medical treatment to keep her going. There's nothing left in life for her yet she still gets antibiotics for every chest infection, 'protected' from covid and colds, immunised against flu, etc. Why? What is the point in any of this? How is she actually meant to achieve death, which is a natural process and a completely natural thing to happen to an 86 year old woman with her conditions (osteoporosis, dementia, advanced Parkinsons). Life-extending care, my arse.

My Mum died an awful death over three years and had to be put into a nursing home as access to their large family home wasnt fire safe once she was unable to walk. Within months of her death my Father had sold the house and moved into a small one bedroom settled accommodation bungalow. It was the best decision he could have made. It has kept his independence for another ten years and now he is starting to fail badly himself means he can live independently with family support.
Watching my Mum die the way she did and knowing how nearly broke me I will have my ‘go bag’ sorted as soon/if I inherit her condition ( v likely)

While I certainly aspire to being one of the 90 year old mountain climbers doing the Times crossword before lunch every day, the sad fact is that for us all there is a difficult bit between that and dying. We don’t just go from fabulous to dead overnight. And that’s the bit I want to minimise.

Indeed. My Aunt walked ten miles every day and ate the perfect diet. Still got dementia.

You don't need Dignitas. There is a book called The Peaceful Pill which advises how to self-euthanise. It used to be banned but isn't now. Interesting..

..I am firmly in the 'take control while you still can' camp, having seen what happened to my poor mum.

@Potentialmadcatlady moving house can work well in the right circumstances done at the right time, unfortunately many people leave it too late. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.

As another poster said, it is the bit between being healthy and being dead which is what we all worry about. My mother was very healthy and active until she was 79 - in fact ten years later she still has no physical ailments, other than the dementia which has rendered her immobile, incontinent and unable to feed herself.😟

Yes I'm terrified I'm going to end up like my grandad and mum. My mum died at 69, so if I end up the same as her I've got 18 years left, well probably 13 as Mum started getting ill with dementia 5 years before she died.

It's hard not to conclude that a person in these circumstances is being kept alive so that the care home shareholders can benefit from every last drop of their liquidated assets☹️
(Or taxpayers money in cases where the elderly person is not self-funding!)

My mother has very late stage dementia and I don't conclude that at all. Of course it is a business and they have to make money to keep the place running, but the staff genuinely care for the residents. (It is independently owned and there are no shareholders.) And bluntly, there is no benefit to them in keeping a late stage resident alive - there is constant stream of others waiting to replace them.

But it is certainly true that are so many measures care homes have to comply with that it can become almost impossible for residents to die. Which IMO is in no one's interests.

Your mum should be in a care home or at least for a while for respite.

I'd love to know how care homes manage to artificially prolong life, as so many on here think they magically can?

@catofglory
But it is certainly true that are so many measures care homes have to comply with that it can become almost impossible for residents to die. Which IMO is in no one's interests
As a side effect of this they are upholding the (implicit) principle that people should be kept alive for as long as possible. This ensures an unlimited supply of 'cash cows' which future care home companies can milk for profit.
It may be the case now that there are not enough care homes to fully exploit the potential revenue, but the more money to be made the more the sharks will be drawn to the feeding frenzy.

@BlackShuck3 I understand what you mean, to an extent. But in all the years my mother has needed care, I have only encountered good kind people who genuinely want to help.

When my mother had a small stroke, every person involved - care home staff, paramedics, GP, practice nurse (and me!) - all agreed that she should not go to hospital and no treatment should be given, she should just be made comfortable. Everyone expected her to die, but she didn't and over a year later the end of life pack is unused.

A lot of dementia is caused by artery blockage- atherosclerosis, and that is diet and lifestyle related, and poor management of blood pressure.

@catofglory I dont doubt that the staff are motivated by wanting to care for the residents/patients and give them the best life possible.
But the staff are not the ones making the real money.

I think the poster meant for us, not for our parents. I agree it's too late for anyone who already has it.