Does anyone else dread old age based on their own parents situation (dementia)??

[WearsblackLoveschocolateAvoidspeople]

I really do want to live to a ripe old age.

However, I don't want to live like my parents. My poor mum bent over with osteoporosis, with a pacemaker due to heart disease, confused to hell due to her 6 year long journey with Alzheimer's and now with the added addition of a breast cancer diagnosis.

Nor do I want to live like my dad who, at almost 83 is actually in great health but is angry, bitter and depressed because he secretly resents my mum's illnesses and says he may as well have dementia because his life is over and who will put lots of pressure on his two daughters (who each have their own health issues) to come round as much as possible (4-5 times a week in my case) and help because he really doesn't want to spend too much of his ££££'s savings and is also stressed at the thought of all the money he's worked hard for (worked until he was in his late 70's) and inherited has to be all spent on extortionate care home costs.

No, I want to live like my 92 year old neighbour (who looks about 70), who still drives, almost jogs to the local shop every morning to get his paper, who has a brain as sharp as a 20 something and seems to be loving every day on this planet.

I know everything in life is just a great big stroke of luck but I watching my own parents suffer has made me so fearful of old age but especially dementia, it takes so much away from everyone involved, it truly is the thief of joy.

It is hard, my DPs are 90 and 85 and tbh it doesn't look like a lot of fun. They have maintained their physical health - or sort of- by daily walks, but DM is in a lot of pain due to osteoporosis, and some other issues.
DH is a great one for talking about exercise and eating as healthily as possible so he can live for as long as possible, but from what Ive seen I can't see the point in living past early 80s.

It's not just dementia.
I watched my mum live in misery towards the end. She was a vibrant extrovert with myriad interests and hobbies. When my dad died she overcame the grief and loneliness and made a different life. Her physical health went downhill and she had heart failure. Slowly her world shrank until she was housebound. She wanted to die at the end. She was 84.

She had me at 23 so I see my future not too far on the horizon. It's no exaggeration to say I think about how I could end it if I got to the point of life being as miserable.

I know people who have exercised and stayed slim but I know very few people who have properly strength trained.

I don’t know if I would choose assisted dying. I am worried about the wording of assisted dying legislation for myself and others.

If it is for condition with terminal diagnosis that would not cover dementia. Maybe unbearable suffering, but the person might need to do it before so have not lost capacity. World advance wish be enough?

I do think the current generation of elderly people will be the last to put up with this awful life extending care. I've seen loads of extremely elderly people suffering greatly with multiple painful and distressing health conditions right at the front of any queue for healthcare/vaccine/antibiotics because they might die without swift treatment. It's beyond cruel extending suffering for as long as possible like this, there's a very good reason why pneumonia was called the 'old man's friend'.

I think younger generations will have seen all this and have advance directives put in place to prevent excessive medical treatment prolonging suffering.

Yes, I feel the same way you do OP.

My mother is 90 and has had dementia for over ten years. I have watched her decline from slightly confused to very late stage, incontinent, immobile, fed pureed food. All the money she had has been spent on care which is fine, it has been very good care. But she isn't living, she's just not dying.

I have several lifelong chronic ailments and am already creaky, despite doing everything I can to stay active and healthy. Old age is not looking very appealing at all.

I've known several people say they would take their own lives if diagnosed with dementia. I have never known anyone to actually do it though. I suspect by the time you need to, you are no longer able to. Which is all the more depressing.

I completely agree with you @Kendodd . One of the managers at my mother's care home more or less said this to me. They are now required to provide such high standards of care that residents' lives are extended way beyond reason.

Yes I can imagine it's especially scary when dementia is involved. I see loads of elderly people in my work, at home visits. I've seen quite a few the past few weeks who can't even move without the help of two carers, they just are trapped in their chairs all day reliant on others. It makes me feel depressed. However it does make me feel like I really need to live life as fully as I can now. Every one of them says to me " it's no fun getting old you know ". I do see some who have a good quality of life and like your dad a lot who are resentful that savings are being spent on care ( my job is to help them maximise benefits etc ).

I should also add my own dad is 86 and totally independent, does all his own shopping, cleaning, gardening etc. His only problem is loneliness as he's been widowed for many years.

It does seem as if the desire to keep people alive for so long is driven by wanting to liquidate their assets. All that money locked up in the boomer generation property bubble!
it seems there is no limit to have far back a person's financial affairs can be investigated in order to look for deprivation of assets under the care act.
How long will it be before we are frightened to give any money to our children lest it be claimed back from them at some point in the future by the local authority?

Yes. My mother aged 87 has very slow moving dementia, as do 2 of her 3 sisters, her mother, her aunt… she has been in a care home for 2 years, with home care for 2+ years before that. I know that will also be my fate. I don’t want it. I have no interest in living as long as possible. I plan on having a big 80th birthday party and then ending my life. My four children will be totally well established, I expect I will have seen a number of grandchildren be born and grow into adulthood or teenagedom - that’s enough for me. I have no concerns at all about dying. Perfectly happy to pop my clogs from 75 onwards. Before then would be annoying as I wouldn’t get the full benefit of my hard-saved pension!

I also think (hope?) that maybe more people will start to question the wisdom of e.g. cancer investigations in the frail elderly. My 84 FIL was sent by his GP for investigations into ?kidney cancer. This didn’t seem a good idea for a frail man with Alzheimer’s. He’s been told he has cancer, but they won’t treat it. Why stress him and his wife out with a trip to the hospital?

I agree op.

Df had early onset dementia diagnosed at 63, but looking back he'd had symptoms from late 50s. He eventually died after 7 years in a care home, starved to death after terrible suffering.

Dm was his carer, then visitor for many years. After he died she sadly started with it. She had to go into a care home 2 ago years after she started wandering at night. She's comfortable, but they've spent hundreds of thousands on care between them.

I dread her decine, after seeing what happened to df. I also dread it happening to me. My parents were both slim, active, non smokers, healthy diet etc. Both professional jobs/ cerebral hobbies. I try to be healthy but clearly am at increased risk.

People who mention dignitas - you have to give informed consent, so would be at the very early stages of the disease where you could actually have a very good quality of life. By the time you're impaired they wouldnt take you. So it would be hard to do, knowing you're sacrifice potentially happy years ahead in order to do it in time.

Yes. Mother died with Alzheimer's at nearly 92, Father with Lewie Body dementia at 98.

Aware that age is the biggest risk factor but still, that's an awful genetic double whammy.

The issue with Dignitas is, given state of current legislation , in the earlier stages of dementia it would be hard to 'qualify', plus by the time it becomes clear it's needed you won't be deemed competent enough to make the decision anyway. As far as I can tell, living wills have limited power but am happy to learn more about this.

The current state of prolonging life at all costs is disgustingly inhumane. I think the risks of being bumped off against your will for greedy relatives to cash in are greatly exaggerated.

We do far better by our companion animals. Heartbreaking as it is, we can at least let them go when the time is right.

Yep. My Dad had a horrible death from cancer when he was 64, my Mum now 84 has very advanced Dementia and doesn't know me anymore. To top it all my lovely brother died suddenly at 52 2 months ago. I feel I'm either going to die soon (I'm 55) and if I don't, what do I have to look forward to? Maybe this is my grief talking though...

Fortunately there isn't any history of dementia in our family but I have taken up music again (piano) in the last couple of years and will soon be adding the flute with the intention of jointing orchestras and bands in retirement. I'm hoping this will help with my mental agility as it's been shown to.
I'm also learning Italian and brushing up my French and German.
im pretty sure hobbies that keep the brain active and forming new pathways must help

Most elderly people don't get dementia though. I looked it up for a different thread on here a while ago. It feels like a lot do, because those are the ones that mostly end up in care homes.

Looking at my elderly relatives who have lived to a great age in differing levels of health. The ones who have lived longer with much worse health concerns affecting quality of life are the ones who made poor decisions (or didn't actively choose sensible things!) in their 40s, 50s and 60s. Which has affected decisions I make now in that age group.

Things like not doing something about losing weight (puts greater strain on joints, increase risk of other conditions, reduces mobility), being car dependent/living somewhere where they have to use a car for everything (drastically reduces amount of exercise taken, which then reduces mobility, affecting health). The ones who have never driven or who lived somewhere where they weren't dependent on a car tended to be fitter and healthier into late 80s and 90s and carried on with a social life as seeing people wasn't dependent on a car.

Obviously there's a limit to how much you can control it though but hopefully I'm doing my best to increase healthy life expectancy and not be a burden on my child.

Have you read Still Alice? Despite growing up in specialist dementia care facilities (parents jobs, house comes with) I thought the same as you.

My dad used to laugh (sadly not cruelly) and say ‘yep, every resident here thinks they knew the day to call time’.

The truth is, until there is a bone fide cure or prevention, we will have to take our own lives when we are still very fit and well. And that will be difficult and sad when it comes to it, because we will know we could have had years more time with our friends and families.

It's a massive trigger for me . Even reading this thread gives me so much anxiety. It's hideous to live with the cloud over your head .
I will do what I think is best for me but for now I have my mum to manage and god knows for how long . Will there even be any time for
Myself before anything happens to me .

Honestly it's why I have no faith .. I mean what is the bloody point in it all

To add to the mix I have a son with special needs who needs me 🥺🥺😩

My MIL is the only person I know in our families that has dementia. She has vascular, Alzheimers and frontal lobe shrinkage. I knew she was developing it 20 years ago, at 60... she was not "just a bit dotty", I managed to persuade DH and his brother to get POAs in place thank god, and get her tested so they could medicate to slow its progress.

Trouble is, now, 20 years on, she is in the depths of it and I can see it starting in DH. Just a little, but if I say anything... "don't be daft"...

Yes. I'm 40 and have done a living will/advanced directive
Basically saying from the minute I'm diagnosed with dementia (if I am) then no life extending treatment. No antibiotics, no CPR, nothing

I think many people in their 40’s and younger will be making very different decisions about their life and health as a result of seeing how the parents are living as they become very elderly. We will downsize early, and appropriately, and do everything we can not to burden our children.

I get this completely but from a healthcare professional point of view. I’m an elderly nurse but I’m 28 and lost my mum at only 57 from a sudden bleed on the brain this year.

I completely love my job, love caring for those with dementia but see the heartbreak it brings their families, how frantic they are at some of the behaviour from their loved ones whilst reassuring them we know that not the person they are at heart, just the disease. But it has given me a different outlook and although I’m heartbroken I lost my mum this year so young and suddenly, I’m also a bit relieved my mum never had to go through that

It doesn’t mean I’m a bad elderly nurse, but I see too well the effects of ageing

Exactly this! We haven't downsized (still got a child at primary school) but we have moved somewhere with excellent public transport and close to local amenities so we aren't car dependent. And it's a very practical house where we could live downstairs if necessary - downstairs accessible shower room.

It was seeing what it's like in your 70s and 80s if you haven't done all the incidental exercise of being able to walk most places in your 40s and 50s.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew
Peter Attia is very good (imo) on optimising brain health:

Tasks and activities that support and improve cognitive function

Did you know robin willliand had lewy body .. do sad but he didn't want to live like that