🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Sorry to hear that Panettone. Wishing you peace too.

@PanettonePudding

@PanettonePudding thoughts are with you and the family.

I am so sorry for your loss xx

Oh @PanettonePudding I am sorry. Read your post yesterday and you seemed to instinctively know that he was near the end. Glad you were able to be with him. 💐

My condolences @PanettonePudding I am sure that you have mixed feelings about his death especially since with dementia you are already mourning the loss of the person they used to be.

Sorry to hear about your loss, @PanettonePudding . It's awful when it gets to the stage where death is the best we can hope for.

So sorry @PanettonePudding glad to hear it was peaceful for him at the end and that some support was there to help facilitate that when you needed it.

@PanettonePudding so sorry for your loss. 🌺🌺

Thank you all x

@PanettonePudding sorry for your loss 💐

@PanettonePudding sorry for your loss 💐

@PanettonePudding so sorry for your loss

I was optimistic to think I would never see Redacted General Hospital for a while, wasn't I.

There are all sorts of infections going round and my poor #elderlyrelative, not long after her husband's funeral, is now in the hospital herself.

To be fair I continue to be impressed by the hospital, there always seems to be someone in the bay keeping an eye on the six elderly patients there; she's been taken up to the special oldies gym(!) for a bit of mobilising; and I haven't heard anything baffling come out of the mouths of any of the staff. Which as you know is normally to be expected.

Compared to everyone else on here I feel this is nothing. Still...

Bit proud of DS1 I've been nagging him for Christmas present ideas and he said he doesn't want anything but could we give e a donation to the Stroke Association in memory of his nan who died just over a year ago.

That's lovely, @countrygirl99 .
Every time we think we've got a handle on things here, they take another step downhill. So I can relate to the hospital feeling.

Somebody at work, a woman in her 60s, died suddenly last week. She'd been run ragged caring for her 90yo mum.

Can't help thinking the two things are related. Although I've no evidence for that, could be she had multiple health problems herself!

She wasn't in my team, or someone I knew particularly well, I'd just had a few sympathetic chats with her.

I agree @EmotionalBlackmail I am certain that caring in a lot of forms is not good for your health

Anyone with experience of vascular dementia? Re MIL her behaviour has deteriorated again. We did not realise she was so bad. The nurse in charge spoke to DH today and said we'd rather she have a good last 6 months than a terrible 2 years which took him back a bit. They are prescribing an antipsychotic now against medical advice because she's just agitated, fighting, not sleeping, not eating, not taking her medication. She has no quality of life and is so angry. Its heartbreaking. They mentioned having to be careful with her meds because of the coroner. Its shocked us that we are thinking like this. A year ago we'd just moved her into assisted living. Its been so rapid.

My MIL has vascular dementia. It’s not a steady decline, she carries on much the same for a while and then deteriorates suddenly. She had to be moved into a care home in the spring when she very suddenly started hallucinating. Now she doesn’t know me or her DGD, is angry and unhappy all the time and probably has another two or three years to live. The care home seem hell-bent on preserving her as long as they can but have finally been persuaded that if anything happens she shouldn’t be hospitalised.

@I8toys I believe this is what we are dealing with, but struggling to get diagnosed.

It has been rapid and definitely the ‘steps’ in decline are what we are seeing. Also the anger, a lot.

Hi. I posted once on the spring thread but think i probably could do with visiting the Cockroach cafe more frequently...
My mum & dad are 85 and 79 and have never had a happy relationship.
Dad started a cognitive decline around 3 years ago I'd say and I suspect some sort of dementia, he ticks most of the FTD boxes. He has had several dramatic falls and hence lots of different medical intervention over the past couple of years, but on the whole masks his problems well. While he was in hospital after a fall and a small sub dural bleed he had a full OT assessment (ACE III) and only scored 73. They put it down to his fall so he hasn't had a re-test. He has now been referred for memory assessment but goodness knows how long that will take. Meanwhile he is very stubborn and unapproachable about it.
Mum has had a few short term memory issues which I always felt were typical age-related stuff and she has had a few falls. But now she is really worrying me as there are big things that she has no recollection of from the past couple of years. She is physically very thin now too.

I am an only child so everything falls to me. All POAs are in place but not acted on yet. They live in a rural, isolated location and own their (unsuitable) house and the house next door, but it's very complicated legally so they will not be able to sell quickly. I work 4 days a week and just find so much time and emotional energy is taken up with trying to support them.
I had ovarian cancer 2 years ago and feel I haven't really had the chance to recover fully emotionally/mentally from that partly because of their deterioration since then. There is more I could write, but that will do for now. Well done and thanks to anyone who has read this far!

Great you have poa in place. Also worth looking into attendance allowance and carers allowance to help with any care costs.

My dd died earlier this year after 3 pretty intense years leaving dm 85yrs who is difficult. Caring is exhausting. I wish I’d given more thought to me. You sound to have been through a lot already. Maybe boundary time daily when you’re not there to do admin thinking time & start looking at local wider support. Eg volunteer driver schemes, dementia clubs.

Try and do extra things self care for you and let thoughts/ feelings out somewhere/ somehow. 💐

@northender Attendance Allowance if you haven’t already applied would sound useful so it could fund extra help. If that is your parents would accept it. People always say POA is essential but I have it and yet found it no use for a difficult mother. She has capacity but won’t accept any external help, which is needed, so it falls to us. She utterly refuses to engage with her GP, have a cleaner, have food delivered so we continue muddling along.

Carers allowance - this has been suggested to us but it is a pittance and requires ‘you’ to be around for 35 hours a week as I understand. Please do not do that.

A useful tool is - https://outofthefog.website

Keep us updated. As for the unsuitable property - lets hope those of us on these threads take heed and make sensible choices as we also age. Not that any of us are particularly young. We are definitely in an age of elderly parents demanding more than is possible from busy people who have not had the luxury of retirement at a sensible age, as our parents did. I tire of the posters who tell us what a privilege it is to have our parents still alive. they clearly do not have ‘our’ parents.

@northender I feel your pain. So much identification. Am also an only child with a 95 year old mother living alone in her own home 150 miles away in a very isolated location who is deemed by her GP to have 'capacity' even though she forgets significant events. Refuses to activate either PoA which I've had for years and refuses any care package even though social services think she needs it. I had a heart attack on 1st October and although I'm doing well with on going cardiac rehab group, I feel I have had no time to emotionally recover because of ongoing situation with my mother.

Some of you may remember me posting on an early thread about my horrendously difficult mother who has end stage heart failure. Always been spiteful but has entered a new phase of vileness/stubborness now. On oxygen 24/7. Had her third fall two weeks ago in bathroom and split her head open. Called 3 sets of neighbours at 2.30 am, one couple got up, came round, cleared all the blood up and the wife went to A&E with Mum for 5 hours. Discharged with 5 stitches in her head. As you can imagine, her neighbours are getting extremely irritated about being treated as unpaid carers when they know she declines all official care packages offered. Despite me pleading with social services, her GP and heart nurses, nothing can be forced on her that she doesn't agree to.

Can't be bothered with visitors staying - even me - as she likes to sleep all day and not be bothered about food/having to be sociable.The sight of it makes her feel sick and she is under 7 stone now. Neighbour told me I'd be horrified if I saw her (last time was in August). I know it will be her last Christmas so partner and I agreed to go up for a few hours next weekend (a 7 hr drive there and back). The nearer it gets the more am dreading it, especially as have awful tendonitis in one knee and long car journey will make it worse. Haven't spoken to her for a week as just so angry with her for refusing to make any compromises, for the stress it puts on me and for being such a selfish bitch. Suspect I will back out but she will then spend her last Christmas alone. Have done so much to try and help her in the last few years. But with choices come consequences and she has never put anyone before herself :(