🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Oh @PermanentTemporary that is lovely to read.
A “graduate”of this thread but now watching the decline of my lovely lovely 80+ year old friend and associated family dynamics- trying to support and share experience( where asked) and tips- ie getting online access to medical records etc.
Sending gin and support to all. And remember you can’t pour from an empty jug. Look after yourselves.

@BlueLegume thank you for your kind reply, particularly the last paragraph. It's hard to get some time to reply, caring and organising takes so much time and energy. It's just good to know we're not alone in this!

@Crikeyalmighty

“I'm not saying he's perfect- he bought into the Brexit stuff and now regrets it, at one point admired Farage”

Some of us on this thread, maybe 50% of those who voted, voted Brexit happily and also some of us admire Farage - as you must of course well be well aware. I assume your baiting was directed at us.

This isn’t a political board and we’re all entitled to our private political views on this board without being surreptitiously sneered at; guess what, even elderly parents are allowed to have their own views (though you’d never guess that from MN!)

@TheseTimes unnecessary comment @Crikeyalmighty is a great leveller on here in terms of ensuring we don’t ‘bash’ all the elderly. It is a welcome input and all she actually did was counter the fact her seemingly great FIL did have some quirks….which she also added that he himself had reflected on as well and had a change of heart. It was not baiting but clearly a sore point.

@TheseTimes you only appear to have made one post on Mumsnet. The one above.

Many of us rely on this board about elderly parents for support and for the most part we get what we need in a safe space. I know without some of the opportunities to ‘vent’ I would have been traipsing to my GP because at times the whole things is overwhelming. If you wish to join the elderly parents forums feel free. We are a welcoming community with vastly different experiences but also lots of great suggestions. You would be very welcome.

@TheseTimes blimey - I am very fond of the old geezer!! And I am fully aware everyone is entitled to whatever views they want politically as we have many interesting chats with him about politics and business and yes Brexit- because it hugely affects our business, which he was interested in- I post because I am lucky in having a FIL who actually whilst he is fit and well is making choices that I think benefit us all and in a thread full of story's of belligerent stubborn parents with ostrich syndrome I felt it was important to show not all elderly people are the same and make incessant demands on others. @BlueLegume thank you for the support x - I didn't actually think when I commented - will avoid politics- lol!!

@Crikeyalmighty I may well adopt the diagnosis - belligerent stubborn parents with ostrich syndrome 🤣

Yep it's not you - it's them!! I think 'a lot ' ( not all) of old people are lonely, frightened, feel all the good times are behind them, often in pain mental or physical and they no longer have as much to look forward to , sometimes stuck with a lack of personal space and someone who to put it nicely 'annoys the f* out of them' - and consequently the only attention they are getting is if making a fuss about stuff - ironically I do think many would actually get more out of life in a retirement complex with folks to meet and chat with - problem is it's hard to get nice ones that you don't have to buy ( only to lose masses of value) or ones that are rentals but extortionate. -

@Crikeyalmighty ironically my ILs moved 20 years ago to a lovely bungalow in an area with lots of older people. We thought they were abit young at the time, late 50s. Best thing ever as they are all on one level, it has an upstairs they just do not bother with it now. Low maintenance garden, walking distance to a lovely pub, supermarket - quite a good one as well. All their neighbours are elderly varying from 60s through to 90s. The younger ones newly retired help out with little jobs etc and make sure we are alerted if they sense a problem. FIL still has a ‘workshop’ in his garage from his days in business and is always making something or other. Keeps him busy and neighbours like the little things like bird tables etc. They were hard work when they were young but seem to have really found their place in a gentle old age. TBH their bungalow whilst not my taste and a little dated is a fabulous home both location wise and big enough for them not to drive each other mad.

To be fair @BlueLegume my DF is similar to your ILs. He downsized from the lovely house that had been our family home for 38 years to a ground floor flat. He installed grab handles in the bathroom, ensured there was a shower with easy access etc. It's only since his fall back in January that he has struggled. He can manage fine at home but as his left arm is now very limited in what it can do, he can't drive or cook like he used to. However, he is doing ok staying next door to me and I think he will be here now until he needs residential care. He is at the stage where he is too fit for a care home, but not quite able to manage alone. For now, it sort of works, but I would love a break. I have had 9 days off since his accident. My sister is flying over to look after him for a week or so just after Christmas so we are planning a trip away for a few nights. I need something to look forward to!

@BlueLegume exactly what FIL is doing too. Like you say it's not necessarily my taste and is all a bit 'brown and beige ' for me, but immaculate - ironically though it matches what he has already and as soon as I saw the pictures I could imagine his stuff in it-

Hi all! DM had a fall yesterday on the driveway at the front of the house. Thankfully, a window cleaner found her and got her some help. A neighbour took her to A&E and told them she has dementia, and there is no one available to stay with her at the moment. She was there for most of the day and had her face glued. Then they told her she could go but with no consideration of whether she could get home or whether she will be safe when she got there. Thankfully, my niece had arrived by then so she was okay. Today the carer was with her and discovered that they had left the cannula in! The GP wouldn't touch it, so they had to go back to A&E to get that sorted. She has also decided this evening that she's broken a finger. She says it is swollen, discoloured and bent. The hospital clearly didn't check her over very well!

My mum lives 3 1/2 hours away from me so I didn't go because I wanted to see how long she would be kept in and make sure that if I went, it was at a time I could be useful. Today I have submitted a request for a care needs assessment and ask for application forms to hopefully get her into sheltered accommodation by me. Just wanted to share really!

My father-in-law also went into hospital this week. He's in a nursing home but his needs are so cute that they've given notice. I'm not really sure whether out with him at the moment but there haven't been any phone calls so we assume that's all fine. What a week we've had!

@Newmum738 thank goodness your niece arrived. Where I used to live my neighbour with dementia was sent home at 3am in the morning by the hospital after the Police took him there because he was locked out and wandering around with a butter knife looking for food, so we had called duty social services. DH gave him a cup of tea and biscuits and waited with him. Police turned up with batons drawn initially because the social worker told them he had a knife! He was sent home alone from the hospital and of course couldn't get in because his keys were locked inside which was why he was outside wandering in the first place. We then had to phone duty social services again. No joined up thinking at all.

@countrygirl99 glad to hear the vet thinks the dog will be okay, not what you needed to add to your stress though.

In news here my DDad has allowed builders in to quote for a downstairs shower and toilet which might sort out the peeing into a bucket in the kitchen issue in a few months time. I just hope he doesn't apply his usual delaying tactics and back track when he gets anxious about a new thing happening. Once he has that I will worry less about him staying in his home for a while longer.

Although funnily enough when it is something he wants to happen he is insistent. I was at work until yesterday and DH had the kids. He phoned five times trying to get him to go and put up his new lamp. It is exactly the same as his old lamp that stopped working, he would not accept an alternative even though you can't replace the bulbs!

@Choconuttolata oh gosh! And there was me thinking she is safe in the hands of the authorities 🙈 I nearly called social services to make them aware, but I thought it would be better if the hospital today, so I left it to them. I had no idea that they would be so useless!!

This morning my niece discovered that DM hadn't been able to get out of bed I. The night to go to the toilet and she was I. A right mess. I made a call to social services to ask for help and advice. I found the woman to be quite unhelpful but then I had a call from the Council care team and she mow has some crisis care and the OT team are coming tomorrow. What a relief! Finally she is getting some help. She had a welcome meeting with the care agency tonight and it is clear she will need some adaptations so I am so happy and relieved to be getting somewhere.

That is what is called a failed discharge from hospital because she needed a care assessment to ensure she could manage at home. I am glad social care have put in place some interim care until regular carers can start. The OT's will be good at recommending aids and adaptations that might allow her to manage better in the home. Lucky your niece checked in on her.

Visiting elderly MIL as we do every Sunday to do her shopping and tick off her list. Today's request was for sausage and mash for lunch. Absolutely fine, no problem happy to do that. Have bought 2 packs of 6 sausages. At lunchtime say ' shall I cook some extra so you can have them cold during the week'
MIL 'oh no, once a week will be plenty, put them in the freezer'
'Ok, I'll wrap them individually and freeze them, but are you sure? You might fancy a sausage sandwich tomorrow'
'No, put them in the freezer'
20 mins later
'I've wrapped them up individually, put them back in their tray and they're in the second drawer down in your freezer'
'Thank you. I'll put that in my freezer notebook.
Five hours later..
DH: 'Right then we'd better make a move mum, I've put xyz in the fridge for you, and there's bread cheese drinks etc as well.'
MIL 'well I don't know what I'm going to eat then, are there any cold sausages left so I can have a sausage sandwich'

Sounds about right @MovingSwiftlyOn 😅 we don’t give options, we’d just cook the whole pack and tell them the rest are in the fridge. Which sounds authoritarian, but there’s only so many times you can dance the dance.

@SockFluffInTheBath I'll definitely be doing that in future!
I was pretty cross at the time because it delayed our departure for over half an hour while we defrosted and cooked them for her and we have more than an hours journey, but she did apologise.
Happy days!

Just had yet another phone call from social services and I wonder just how much resource is wasted by left and right hands not communicating. Also how many phone calls to discuss people's difficulties using the phone they schedule to zero effect because the person can't use the phone. And how many daughters are screaming into the void trying to join the ends together.

@countrygirl99 I agree I found the interactions with agencies we had while the PIL were at home were ridiculous. Questions were directed at FIL who had no concept of what he was being asked and then MIL would cancel any appointments or cut short any phone calls.

@cocountrygirl99 to illustrate your point, the doctors called my Mum today to change her appointment to review her Alzheimer's. They knew she didn't understand and they still didn't try anything else!

Almost as good as when I tried to make an appointment about her lack of hearing and they insisted on a telephone appointment. That was a good use of resources!!

I had hoped we'd got past this ridiculousness after covid when my an OT was trying to instruct my deaf dad over the phone following repeated falls.

I agree, we recently had an hour long assessment with social services over a WhatsApp video call. Now while video calls have their place it’s no substitute for seeing the person in their home and seeing how they move and act in person. There no sense of smell and you can’t see how clean a place is for a start. Plus DM was in her best clothes with foundation and lipstick on.

Ah yes, the telephone appointments for the person who needs to be seen in person or there’s no point. Epitome of this for us was DF having a fire safety assessment over the phone. There were so many hazards in the house I think nurses had referred in desperation. But of course DF just confirmed that yes, he had smoke alarms - but still in the box and probably 20 years old 🤦‍♀️