🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Wouldn't a walk-in shower be a safer option and ditch the bath altogether, or somehow disable the bath taps if you can have both? Baths with the elderly are always dodgy, she may fall.

Agree with pp, can she shower instead and lock the bath taps? I can only imagine how vexed you are @funnelfan

What a stressful situation @funnelfan
I'm not sure what else you can do to stop it from happening again if you've already removed the plug, aside from disconnecting the bath from the water pipes. If it has already happened six times, unfortunately it's likely she'll do it again, I'd think. Can you disconnect the bath then have the carer help her in the shower instead? What does your mum say if you bring it up?

My grandmother is still receiving end of life care, this has been several weeks now when we initially thought it would be a matter of days.

The waiting for the inevitable as she slowly declines is one of the hardest things I've gone through (I am her next of kin, POA, etc) and at this stage there's very little I can actually do other than waiting.

What about this @funnelfan ? A plumber might be able to help install it?

https://plumbingking.co.uk/product/nova-flo/

I'm sorry, @PatchworkOwl . It's very hard. A colleague is going through the same thing with her mother and it's been over a month. We're not good at predicting how long people have got. Look after yourself.

I've been her carer for so long but am woefully unprepared for this last stage, especially as it drags on.

It's seemed the end was near a few times but then she's stabilised. Yes, it's the not being able to predict how long she has left that adds an extra layer of difficulty.

Posting here is helpful. I wish I'd known about this year's ago!

@PatchworkOwl you have my sympathies. We were told MiL had hours to live. We prepared our DDs who were then 11 & 13 but they wanted to see her "one last time" in the side room at the hospital. DH spent all Friday night there, giving her sips of water etc. We took the DDs in on Sunday afternoon to see MiL only to find her sitting up in bed, demolishing a banana watching Ski Sunday. The resilience of that woman was immense.

To be fair, she had survived her village being overrun by Red Army soldiers in 1944, escaping to the West on the back of a milk truck, living in occupied West Germany facing homelessness and hunger before meeting FiL, cooking for and translating for the British army before they married. She passed away very quietly a couple of months later in a nursing home, having seen all her important people and being at peace in her late 80s.

@Malbecfan
Oh yes, the rush because it's happening, then it... doesn't. I'm glad to hear went peacefully in the end. It sounds like she was a brave and interesting woman!

@PatchworkOwl she was. She died more than 11 years ago so I can look back mostly fondly. She had many faults but something that stayed with us was her telling DH how much she appreciated him, how he had been a wonderful son blah blah just a couple of weeks before she died. Her exact words were "X you have been a wonderful son, never caused me a moment's worry..." DH had told us numerous times of all his childhood escapades such as throwing a science experiment out of his bedroom window as the fumes became too strong, which left a strange indentation in the concrete path that she could never work out, of him burning one of his school shirts doing yet another bedroom-based science experiment and having to sneak bits of the burned shirt into the bin over several weeks. MiL was convinced someone was stealing the washing!

DH taught a science discipline at a RG university so all the damage wasn't entirely in vain. And after 2 sons, one of whom is severely mentally handicapped, MiL was thrilled to become a grandma at 75, with 2 lovely granddaughters. Yes, they have inherited DH's love of science, but thankfully are less inclined to do bonkers home experiments.

Enjoy each day you have with her, but don't beat yourself up at all. You have done a great job.

@PatchworkOwl I am so sorry you are going through this. The not knowing is so hard. My mother lived for six weeks once she stopped eating. She responded a little bit in the first few weeks then gradually became less responsive. Eventually I asked the doctor if it was time to remove the fluids and she said it was. I could not bear to visit after that and she died 2 days later. Knowing when to make that decision was so difficult.

To add to the problem, her husband had dementia. He kept asking me when the funeral was going to be . I decided it was best he did not visit in the last few weeks as I worried he would try to wake her.

My consolation was the end was peaceful. No pain, no intervention, just sort of slept her way into death.

Not currently in the UK and I've just had a call from the care agency with a safeguarding concern. Nothing I can do from here so one of my brothers is going to have to pick it up.

Good news here today -85 year old FIL has exchanged - completion in 11 days. He is moving to around 12 miles from us from 160 miles - but not till after Xmas- will be in lovely holiday lodge and away with us at Xmas/new year . He's been totally sensible on purchase too, roomy bungalow in midsized funky town , nice nick but small garden and tons of facilities and services on doorstep - yay to him!!

Crumbs. Hope you’re ok and it gets sorted.

@SockFluffInTheBath it's unproven allegations of behaviour out of the home that is causing significant (& costly) problems for other people and consequently putting her at risk. Don't want to give the details because it's very public local to her. Going to be a tough one I think.

@Crikeyalmighty so pleased the sale went through. I have just been telling my own mother about your FIL - cue sad face and ‘I wish someone had told us to do that’…..she is younger than your FIL and we did.

Yay to him absolutely and yay to you for keeping us updated. It is reassuring to know not all elderly parents are as selfish as some of us experienced. Also visited my father today in his nursing facility-looks better than he has in years and he has a new ‘friend’. Much younger guy which is heartbreaking as he can only be early 60s but they were having a right old chortle together. Dad used to love a laugh and sadly Mum didn’t - very good to see him smiling.

Keep us updated on FIL it keeps me sane knowing that at some point I will channel his approach-stored on my notes on phone as ‘CRIKEY - FIL - FUNKY TOWN’.

@countrygirl99 understand, I hope you get a fast and proper resolution.

All sympathy but people who won't wear their hearing aids are annoying. They are so sophisticated (not perfect but so much better than they used to be) that I don't understand why anyone would resist. I'm a hearing aid wearer.

@BlueLegume ha, ha!! Good to hear your father is in relatively good form and having a laugh- will do him good - I honestly think one reason 'some' older couples are such grumpy gits is partly ill health and partly the fact that they piss each other off , so fresh company is probably doing him good !! yes FIL is off to Frome- we went with him on Saturday as he wanted to have a viewing before exchange with heating on !! ( check it works as had been off for a few months and only on a low tick over) met the seller as although it's an empty house he lives around the corner( literally) he was lovely- told him who all the neighbours were , explained any jobs he had done on the place before he handed it over to his mother to live in- showed him the short cut across the park to medical centre etc, - all in all I've got good vibes - it's real shame your mother can't be persuaded to make a real change and take her focus off you and your siblings-

FIL is newly installed in the care home round the corner from our house. Hopefully he will settle in well. MIL is still living with us while we sort out her flat in the sheltered housing. DH is doing the majority of the attending to her whims and doing all the admin involved in a house move while I work. I'm not sure this was how he envisaged early retirement.

@Sharptonguedwoman I agree - I am hugely frustrated by her failure to wear her hearing aids, as it makes life difficult for everyone around her and of course primarily for her too! However this has been going on for at least a year now so I have been trying to work out WHY, what’s behind the behaviour, and I’ve come up with a bit of a mix of -

• never been good with any technology or gadget, struggles to learn how to use anything new - has been like this as long as I can remember, not a new thing
• hearing aids are very small and she doesn’t seem to be dexterous enough to flip the little switch or to change the tiny batteries (they are very fiddly, I’ve changed the batteries myself and dropped them multiplié times)
• she has a lot of hearing loss so is saying they don’t make much difference - there is a catch 22 here though as the audiologist rightly told her it can take 6 weeks or so for the brain to adjust, but she wears them, they don’t work, she wonders if they are functioning, changes the battery, finds them fiddly, gives up, doesn’t wear them, and round we go.

Tbh I wish we could get older, bigger ones as maybe she could handle them better. I think hearing aid design is now fantastic for younger people who are more concerned about how they look, but for my DM she’s past that and just wants something she can grip easily. I also think she has a degree of undiagnosed ADHD and this has made her clumsy, unable to form routine habits, and emotionally explosive/ unregulated. Sigh.

I'm sure you are right on all counts. Somehow, it's one step beyond and yes, possibly something more grippable would be better. Cleaning them can also be a right faff. If you visit regularly (no pressure from me, I'm 20 yrs down the elderly parent path), is it worth doing the batteries and cleaning yourself so the aids are ready to go?
Cleaning wires are really fiddly so I do understand. I wonder if there's another model your DM might prefer, that's available? My mum had ear moulds whereas I have in-ear wires.

@MotherOfCatBoy it’s an interesting point the undiagnosed ADHD. I have certainly always thought my mother was ‘abit odd’. Apologies in advance as I know that is not language appropriate in 2024 but back in my youth that was a phrase.

My small town was made up of a lot of families who had moved from inland towns for employment mixed with a very religious seam of very performative Sunday church attendance 1960s/1970s.

My parents had views on absolutely evryone. ‘Mrs so and so is an oddball’ - Mrs so and so would probably have been diagnosed with a spectrum based personality now. ‘Mr so and so has notions about himself’ Actually Mr so and so should have notions he was a highly decorated member of a regiment who pretty much saved the country form the Nazis and wore his medals with pride along with the 2 prosthetic legs.

Frankly I think my parents also have some issues. Incredibly rigid - until well oiled with booze - incredibly racist, homophobic, snobby…. The list is endless.

When you look at the bigger picture and think ‘oh dear my elderly parent has BECOME x y z…step back and think ‘actually this is how they have always been.

Hearing aids are the bane of my life, DM has both the older mould type (nhs) and in ear type (specsavers) and finds the moulds easier and less fiddly although isn’t capable of changing the tubing any more, she does manage the batteries. I do a fortnightly check and clean of them both because if they break she goes into a complete panic. I also have spares of everything. I went through a phase when I was still working last year of them breaking every week and having to take time off work to take them to audiology to get them mended. She’s totally incapable without them - can’t even speak. It became my biggest stressor.
It’s one of my biggest worries about her going into a care home which I think will be inevitable in time - I hear so much about hearing aids being lost.