🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I hope you were able to have a settled night @notcopingwellwithDMdementia . How are things looking today?

You said ^ you feel you're just doing a duty rather than doing it because you want to. I got to this point, I was on my fecking knees when I finally got counselling which helped massively in learning to put boundaries in place. It isn't easy saying 'no' but honestly, you really do have to. And once you say it the once, it gets easier to say it again.

Let us know what's going on today.

I managed a good nights sleep last night so I'm feeling more human today!
I haven't heard anything overnight so I'm planning to call the hospital shortly to see how and where DM is.
I'm going to insist that they do an assessment on her safety to be at home on her own. To be honest with work and my own family I really don't have any extra time to give so I will be saying no a lot.
Thank you all for your support - it's so helpful and I'm really grateful for you all

@notcopingwellwithDMdementia can you ask them for an occupational therapy type assessment? This might help you pursue the type of care required such as the one I mentioned in the PM. It is completely ok to say that her being at home with a care package is not enough.

The thing is, I'm in my mid 60s and don't feel I need either of those things (cleaner/gardener) quite yet. I don't know if illness or injury forces one's hand or or if it's a gentle slide into not coping. I'm a manic declutterer so that must help a bit😳

@Sharptonguedwoman manic declutterer here as well. Late 50s and in the last 5 years I have halved my wardrobe down to things I love and fit me. If I buy anything new it is either for an occasion or to replace an outdated or worn out item. I started when I retired and it is so liberating. I love having space in drawers etc. Your comment about a slide into not coping is interesting. I think it is a slide for the person involved but for outsiders it is much more obvious. Yes we maybe shouldn’t wade in with ‘suggestions’ about cleaners etc but I do believe we do it because we can see the massive headache ahead where everything lands on our doorstep. My own mother has all ways know better than absolutely everyone so has alienated absolutely everyone who have tried to help. I believe she has always been like this but people kept in touch because they liked our father. Now he is in nursing care everyone has scarpered. If only we could.

Thank you, I'm going to get DD to say when needed, 'mum, you need a cleaner' and I will listen. Now I have wardrobe envy. I have too many clothes some of them many years old. Retirement means a lot of jeans, fleeces and T shirt wearing. It's hard to ignore the allure of a nice frock but I'm trying.😂.

My parents were help refusers then my mother wanted to come and live with me and DD when my dad died. It would have meant a monumental upheaval and moving and mega stress as she won't talk to DD's father. Then mum fell down my stairs - and bought a retirement flat instead. Phew. We're long past that now, she's waiting for a place in a nursing home. Life is full of adventures!

@Sharptonguedwoman yes to help refusers here BUT expect me and my siblings to do things. I have a few thoughts around help refusing. I think, well I know my mother particularly likes one of our cars being parked outside her house and likes us ‘doing’ things like the garden or cleaning or as we now need to clean the windows as she has cancelled her window cleaner but keeps moaning about the state of the windows. Historically she knows she has been an unpleasant person but has always been very grandiose. I wonder if us having to do all the crappy stuff for her makes her feel superior. Wardrobe wise go for it! Although I will admit I did buy back one particular lovely frock I had taken to the charity shop - they displayed it so nicely in the window I couldn’t resist 🤣

Oh no! How frustrating about the windows! Can you send round a contract window cleaner? I'd be irritated, unless there was a very good reason.
Will take a long hard look at the wardrobe.

Mine cancelled the window cleaner too! Because he put the price up by £1. £12 to clean a three bed semi with a big bay and a kitchen extension on the back meaning the bedroom windows are hard to reach! Hardly extortionate. She’s got loads of money. I’ve refused to have anything to do with cleaning them.

It's hard to ignore the allure of a nice frock but I'm trying.😂. I’m not! Unless I’m hillwalking or doing outdoor work, I’m in a dress

If I buy anything new it is either for an occasion or to replace an outdated or worn out item. Getting something to wear out is the problem. I’ve got lovely dresses I bought 30 years ago. Probably won’t wear them in public but I do wear them if I’m going to be home all day. Solved the storage problem by more wardrobes!

My dad was a help refuser but wouldn’t let us do it either! Finally accepted carers after 3 weeks in hospital. Cleaning never got sorted, he only lasted another 3 months before moving into a nursing home.

A nuisance. Window cleaners may not come often, but they’re another person who can alert to problems. The more people coming to the house, the safer they are. My dad had neighbours who would alert us, window cleaner, milkman, chapel transport, and toenail lady. Informal “care” can help a lot.

I'm 55 and employ a cleaner and a gardener and it is awesome. But it is also a lot of money. Without wanting to be boomerish about it (my parents are silent generation anyway) the training to be frugal about anything you could do yourself was lifelong for them and it doesn't change easily.

It's still true that expecting your daughters to take on the cleaning and your sons the gardening when you do have the money is not OK.

Both good points there!

@PermanentTemporary thing is neither of my parents have ever been frugal or needed to be. High end furniture, kitchens, appliances and expensive clothes and cars, always brand new clothes every season and incredibly expensive holidays. Both in their 80s. Plenty money in the bank and invested. She just wants and expects us to do everything and when we do she then is able to criticise. Genuinely feel for those having to count the pennies etc but this is not applicable to our mother.

Hi all, is this the current thread? I'm feeling completely overloaded right now. DM has dementia and whilst she has support, I make all the decisions and everyone comes to me about everything. I've been struggling for a while and now completely burnt out. I haven't been functioning at work and now I'm going to lose my job. Can't get through to social services. 🚨Help needed!! 🚨

Oh yes, DM lives 3.5 hours away and I have a 6yo at home 🙈

@Newmum738 yes this is the current thread - welcome and 🤗. Firstly you know you will get lots of support and advice here so good move in logging in. Without knowing if your DM is independently living or in a home hard to help, am sure you will let us know. Job wise could you ask to be signed off for a bit or ensure your employer is aware of the situation? Has your DM got an assigned social worker?

@Newmum738 ; so many knowledgeable pp here to help guide you through; you're in the right place.

@BlueLegume - let her see through dirty windows!!

glad to hear @notcopingwellwithDMdementia that you had a good night. Hope things stay positive for you today.

Thanks for the responses folks. @BlueLegume I am off work on paid leave currently but it's been a while now and my role is going to be made redundant so they are asking if I want to go now. DM is in her own home. I can't cope with the work and stress and money required to move her. It's extra complicated because she and my Dad put their house in trust. I'm so stressed I'm going to bed and waking up with physical pain. Currently have pain in my jaw.

No social worker currently. I couldn't get anywhere on the phone today so I've emailed someone.

Hi @Newmum738 is your job inevitably going to go - just a question of time? If so taking the redundancy now might give you exactly the breathing space you need, even though it might be painful to let it go. (I’d say differently if the role weren’t slated for redundancy- I’d be advising you to access all the help your employer can give you and make sure HR can support you). You could spend a bit of time sorting your Mum and then go back on the market with a clear head and a valid reason for a gap.

@MotherOfCatBoy it will be made redundant. I could apply for other things but I'm not going to. They are offering for me to go early if I want that. I feel like you say, that it's an opportunity to take some time out and get things sorted in particular get myself well!

Sending sympathy. Hope S Services can help.

Hello everyone, have been on holiday abroad for the first time in two years and managed the whole week without a phone call from or about mum. Had a lovely time, put on half a stone without trying, oops. Just gearing up to drive over for usual mum duties and the anxiety is back, think I’m going to have to ask the GP whether I need to increase the dose of sertraline as the effects seem to be wearing off.

@Newmum738 welcome, have you seen your gp? I suffer with physical symptoms of my stress too and gave in to medication after resisting the idea for a while. It does help.

Another newbie joining 🙁off to see darling mummy in her nursing home. It'll be nice to give her the chance to tell me I want her dead, am trying to steal her money, am disgusting, a bitch, am evil, a witch, etc to my face instead of on the phone. "aw hun but she's your muuuum bless"

@Newmum738 I get the burnout and endless solo decision making. You have an awful lot on your plate, it's no wonder it's affecting you. I hope you can get SW to help.