Persuading elderly parent to buy a new car

[NetZeroZealot]

Mum is 85 with arthritis in her shoulder. Her car is over 20 years old. Lives rurally and totally reliant on it, and has to drive my even older dad around.
She knows she needs to buy a 'new' car - an automatic which will put less strain on her shoulder - but is terrified of learning her way around an unfamiliar vehicle.
Her (younger) friend had to do this recently & has put Mum off by telling her how impossible it is to understand the computerised controls in the car etc.
Mum manages OK with internet, online shopping etc so I think she'll be able to adapt, but she doesn't think she can.
Anyone been through this, got any helpful advice?
Thanks

Could she rent one for a few days to try it out?

Good suggestion. But she is more likely to buy a 2nd hand car I think, and rentals are usually quite new aren't they?

At 85 I would listen to her concerns. Is she still driving at night? Does she avoid driving in busy traffic or into large urban centres? Does she complain about how everyone else drives too fast and too close these days?

The reason I ask is because all those things would indicate to me that she is finding it harder to drive as her brain naturally becomes less able to judge speed and distance and react quickly enough. Over 80 most people struggle with this and adding a new car into the mix would be risky. Most accidents with older people happen when they respond in the moment and either judge speed and distance incorrectly or get confused with the controls. I wouldn't add a new car into the mix.

People have been pressuring my elderly Father to get a new car but for the reasons above I have encouraged him to stick with the car he knows and limit his driving to roads he knows well. He didn't drive at night anymore. I'd like him to stop driving soon but we aren't quite there yet.

New cars are complicated! It takes a while for most of us.
If she is otherwise safe to drive let her continue in the car she knows. With kindness, at 85 this may be the thing that stops her driving. Living rurally is difficult without use of a car but millions do it. You may need a backup plan.

Mine had to get a new car at 80 because hers was written off in an accident (non-fault, she was rear-ended in a traffic jam). She switched to automatic and was anxious about adapting to a new car, also had never driven an auto before so she found a local auto driving instructor and had a couple of lessons then got them to come out with her for an hour in the new car when she got it. She was fine after that.

She could book a driving lesson in an automatic just to see how it feels.

Could she a buy a newer model of the car she has but not a complicated one.

Interesting points. She no longer drives in the dark but is a very competent and confident driver in daylight.
We could probably keep the current car going for a year or two, but I am worried that it will then be even harder for her to switch when she's even older.
Plus the main reason for wanting to change to an automatic is her arthritis.

Would she have a couple of lessons with an automatic driving instructor to get herself used to automatic controls? Might make her feel safer with someone else there showing her what to do (who isn’t a family member, as that can be very stressful at any age!)

Maybe an older automatic, of the same make and model as the one she knows would help? Ultimately though it is worth having a plan for when she can no longer drive. I'm already drip feeding to my parent the need to find a reliable taxi service as they also live rurally. I think their generation sees taxis as extravagant but if you add up the cost of cars and insurance and serviciing and petrol etc is not that expensive as a substitute.

is terrified of learning her way around an unfamiliar vehicle

She’s right. Her driving days are nearly done and an unfamiliar car will be the end.

I would put your energy into looking at other solutions (taxis, local volunteer transport services, moving home, home visiting services etc).

Definitely go the accompanied route.

I really didn't want to drive an auto but had to change as new van is only automatic. I'm mid 50s but adhd, so some cognitive deficits.

I like VW as they have a pretty simple dash, no flashing digital cockpit nonsense.

I'm back driving a lot, so it's not a case of being inept, just need to understand what's comfortable. So I'd say it's similar for your mum.

I now love my auto, much easier with my dodgy hip.

I think she would find it so much easier in an auto.

Ive just changed car and have been nervous of controls so I totally understand

Driving lesson is a good idea

This has been an issue over the last few years with my own parents, within the extended family and in my wider friendship group. All kinds of strategies were tried to help people stay safely on the road for a bit longer, including driving lessons on an automatic.

It's not what you want to hear but, from experience, she's not going to change her car. She'll listen to the advice of whoever is telling her what she wants to hear. If she thinks she can't adapt she probably can't. When this car dies that will probably be the end of her driving.

Your only sliver of a chance is if you can find the exact same car in automatic but even then it's a long shot.

You are going to have to seek alternatives at some point. Definitely try now. Driving at that age is incredibly difficult for many reasons. Let her keep the current car for as long as she can.

Havjng just got a newer car for elderly mother I was horrified by the insurance. Her existing insurer wouldn’t insure the new (second hand) car. Many companies refused altogether. Her premium is sky high. Unfortunately since DF passed, her premium has changed due to her change in marital status.

If you can get her to try an automatic, she is likely to be surprised at how much easier it is to drive. The car does the work leaving all responses free for the road ahead. I think an automatic will likely extend the period of independence via driving.

I switched about 15 years ago and within a week knew I could never go back to the fag of a manual.

Oh gosh, so much good advice - thank you - but no clear path forward.

I hadn't even considered the likely hike in insurance for a much newer, better car.

Will try and have a sensible discussion with Mum later this weekend. Perhaps I can persuade her to take an automatic version of the same make of car as she drives now for a test drive and see how she gets on. Then we can decide.

My DD has a 9 year old Citroen C1 automatic. Nothing complicated about it at all.

It's a great little car and super easy to drive.

I'd just take her to a second hand dealer and ask if she can test drive a few.

Out of interest, was the neighbour's new car a high end, modern model?

My mum, similar age, recently changed to an automatic. She found an automatic version of the car she already had. It was secondhand.
The guy in the showroom was incredibly patient. She was allowed to drive it as much as she needed to until she felt confident, and then I went out with her a couple of times initially as well.
She admits there are things she doesn't understand on the display but she knows the important things, and ignores the rest! (We spent quite a bit of time with the manual at the start, working out what everything was).
The idea of automatic driving lessons is a good one.

Could you take her to look at some, have a sit in them or test drive them. You could ask to look at base model cars that don't have all the gadgets. I'm half her age and I don't understand most of the modern gizmos in cars. Salesmen will try and promote things like the Bluetooth, heated seats, sat nav etc, so you could make it clear prior that you don't want all that. Stop/start is also something you would probably want to avoid, especially as you can't switch it off in some cars.
Also worth looking into what cars have things like dials instead of buttons, an actual handbrake lever rather than a button, a key ignition rather than keyless etc.
Hopefully you can find something she might be comfortable in .

She's 85, perhaps she shouldn't be driving at all now. There's no way her reaction times and reflexes are still 100%

So, aged 82, mother changed her car and bought a lovely little red VW Up. Really happy with it. Unfortunately, about three years ago (think she was about 87 or 88) the car was munched by mice and a write off. Mum was devastated and although she was only driving very short distances was insistant on getting another car even though we were beginning to think that she shouldn't be driving. We bought her the exact same car but obvinewer so a few more bells and whistles. She barely drove it, I think she put another 50 miles on it. She couldn't process the difference plus her general processing speeds reduced. Last year, just before she was 90, I managed to persuade her to sell it. A huge step for her as it was a symbol of independence even though she hadn't driven it for a couple of years. In your shoes, I would leave her with her 20 year old car and start investigating other modes of transport. There was a really marked downturn from 88 to now. She's still fabulous for an almost 91 year old but processing has gone and anything new just doesn't happen. She's got a replacement grill and we've all shown her how to use it but because it isn't the one she had from 1950s she just cannot work it even though it is really simple. I'd buy her an air fryer but know she just wouldnbe able to work it out.

My mum has an automatic Ford fiesta, it is about 7 years old. At that age it is still pretty light on technology, pretty basic stereo and all the controls where you’d expect them!

Even on our electric car the basic controls (indicator, wipers) are pretty standard, it is just getting the temperature right and the entertainment going that is less intuitive.

I've just bought an automatic and it's bliss.

If you can get one with automatic lights and windscreen wipers aswell it will make her life so much easier and she can concentrate on just driving then.

There are some good small basic automatics out there that aren't all computerised.

As long as she is driving safely and there's no worry about how she is why not go for it.

Maybe you could go out with her for a couple of test drives and see her driving yourself.

DD has a hyundai i10 auto. It's very simple and very easy and lovely to drive.