How do I stop feeling resentful?

[Strikingthebalance]

I want to apologize in advance for sounding like a horrible person or resentful but I am struggling with things right now and would welcome any advice from anyone who has been through similar.

Caring for an elderly family member while they recover from major surgery so about 4-6 weeks as minimum. The hospital were awful in terms of post-op support and we’ve had to hire a frame and commode etc from a private company.

They need help with everything e.g. help to get out of bed, help to the toilet, help wiping on the toilet, help to stand up, help to walk from the toilet to the chair, help to get washed and put on deodorant, help to get dressed, help to get food, take pills, etc.

It feels like a lot, but I am doing it all because that’s what is needed. This is as well as running their house in terms of cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

We are 10 days in and the endlessness of it all is really getting me down, as I need to be available almost 24/7. I am needed for the morning routine from 6am and that takes an hour to do all that is needed to set them up for the day.

I get small breaks while another family member is around during parts of the day/ evening but that’s usually smaller things e.g. getting drinks, meds, food etc, and I am still needed for things like toilet trips etc so cannot go far.

It’s reminding me a lot of covid lockdown where we couldn’t leave the house as I feel like I cannot go far for fear of being needed. They also don’t want me to go anywhere busy or mix with people inside where possible as they’re worried about any germs I could bring home to them and make them ill.

When I’m not doing all of the above they want to chat, and find it hard to understand that I need some down time, even if that’s a nap or just sat on my own in silence in the garden or similar.

They are crying a lot because they say I’m not spending enough time with them and it’s lonely for them etc, which I do understand, hence the guilt for needing some time away. I am getting lots of little comments like ‘oh you’re on your phone I won’t waste my breath talking to you.’ I’ve explained I am listening but don’t always respond immediately. I feel like I am being treated like a teenager and mobile phones were not even around when I was an actual teen many moons ago!!

A friend said it’s like caring for another child, but it’s not at all, which I tried to explain. It’s a world away from that and in my personal experience bringing up kids and running your own house is far easier and very different.

We’ve had an up and down relationship in the past and I’ve certainly experienced struggles but I worked through loads of that in therapy and we’d reached a good place. This is all stirring up a lot of those feelings.

I just don’t see how I can continue to do this for the next 4 and a half weeks day in, day out (and possibly longer after that).

Incase anyone suggests it, they couldn’t afford care from outside support or an agency and have said they wouldn’t want anyone they didn’t know helping them with everything anyway.

How do I find the balance of not feeling so guilty and resentful all the time, having some time for me and being there for said family member all the time too?

Thank you of your read it all, I never meant for it to be this long! 🙈

Bet the without complaint bit is a massive lie by her

" won't accept carers" If you break your ankle, " won't accept " will be pretty hopeless.

Cognitive decline, the person can't and won't take on any new ideas or information. Its terrible . I had years of it. The neural pathways are well entrenched.

Pins in the leg? Then she is non weight bearing on it I assume? I am upset for you OP, I would have expected that she would either remain in hospital or have a bed in a community hospital bed where they can manage the pin site care.
Presumably the hospital physios and OTs felt she was safe enough to go home without daily carers, and she can use the frame without the need for assistance.
It's so unfair that the burden of care falls onto one person so often, and I am sorry.
Sending positive thoughts to help you through this.

This thread really affected me reading it. I don't know if this will help you, but I find something that is quite useful is to ask yourself if the person who is saying you should feel guilty ever feels guilty themselves about other people?

So often those guilting others do not appear to get guilty themselves and this can be a relief and release when the person they are controlling with guilt can realise this. Your mother may not be like this I don't know, but sometimes it cab be that those guilting us don't necessarily put themselves out for others that much themselves. If you can distance yourself from the guilt and give yourself permission not to have to feel so guilty, this might really help with part of the emotional toil at least.

Your mother is obviously going through a hard time and pain also makes us all self-absorbed and sometimes we just can't help being miserable or taking it out on our nearest and dearest if we are in pain and struggling. But you are looking after her with compassion. If you put a bit of a buffer between her demands and your feelings it might help. In terms of loneliness and chatting, is it possible to introduce her to podcasts or things she can listen to on a phone or something like that? There are a lot of interesting things on all kinds of subjects and the chatty style might help alleviate the boredom and feel a bit like there are people chatting around her.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like you're doing a great job and she's lucky to have you.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words and thoughtful reply 🥰

When I felt guilty for not doing enough for my elderly mother I realised that she did very little for her own, it was all left to her sister and her husband. Helped ease the guilt a lot.

This was the first thing that struck me reading the OP. If their morning starts at 6am that means yours starts at 5.30am minimum. That's ridiculous. I'd stop negotiation with them over this. Just tell them!

You're getting up at 7am a perfectly reasonable time and you'll get ready at leisure with some time to yourself to properly get ready, eat, read the news or whatever and start the day relaxed not rushed. Be firm with this and use earplugs and put music on in the room you're in to drown out any residual noise, to block out their emotional manipulation which will inevitably occur. Just remember if they were waiting for a council worker to arrive there'd be nobody to hear them weeping and wailing and raging against the world, so you don't need to hear it either and they'll be no worse off.

Then they can get up at 8am. That's fine. They don't have anywhere to be, like at work, that means an early start is necessary. You're helping them, you're not staff, they don't get to dictate the times you help, they should be grateful for the help and prepared to fit in around you. That's fair and reasonable.

Agree with this. Never mind telling you that you should go to bed earlier to fit her schedule, if she gets into pain from being in bed for a certain length of time she should go to bed later, so she rises later, at a reasonable time.

Thanks all for your support and useful suggestions.

I did suggest a later bedtime but that wasn’t accepted! 🙃

Totally recommend Annalisa's series on dealing with family, particularly difficult older adults.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri/id1567190358

It’s been said many times before but I’ll say it again: it’s better to feel guilty than to feel resentful, though unfortunately it’s possible to feel both. Do what you need to do to feel ok. Can you agree a routine with her, so she knows what to expect?

When do you go back to work OP?