How do I stop feeling resentful?

[Strikingthebalance]

I want to apologize in advance for sounding like a horrible person or resentful but I am struggling with things right now and would welcome any advice from anyone who has been through similar.

Caring for an elderly family member while they recover from major surgery so about 4-6 weeks as minimum. The hospital were awful in terms of post-op support and we’ve had to hire a frame and commode etc from a private company.

They need help with everything e.g. help to get out of bed, help to the toilet, help wiping on the toilet, help to stand up, help to walk from the toilet to the chair, help to get washed and put on deodorant, help to get dressed, help to get food, take pills, etc.

It feels like a lot, but I am doing it all because that’s what is needed. This is as well as running their house in terms of cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

We are 10 days in and the endlessness of it all is really getting me down, as I need to be available almost 24/7. I am needed for the morning routine from 6am and that takes an hour to do all that is needed to set them up for the day.

I get small breaks while another family member is around during parts of the day/ evening but that’s usually smaller things e.g. getting drinks, meds, food etc, and I am still needed for things like toilet trips etc so cannot go far.

It’s reminding me a lot of covid lockdown where we couldn’t leave the house as I feel like I cannot go far for fear of being needed. They also don’t want me to go anywhere busy or mix with people inside where possible as they’re worried about any germs I could bring home to them and make them ill.

When I’m not doing all of the above they want to chat, and find it hard to understand that I need some down time, even if that’s a nap or just sat on my own in silence in the garden or similar.

They are crying a lot because they say I’m not spending enough time with them and it’s lonely for them etc, which I do understand, hence the guilt for needing some time away. I am getting lots of little comments like ‘oh you’re on your phone I won’t waste my breath talking to you.’ I’ve explained I am listening but don’t always respond immediately. I feel like I am being treated like a teenager and mobile phones were not even around when I was an actual teen many moons ago!!

A friend said it’s like caring for another child, but it’s not at all, which I tried to explain. It’s a world away from that and in my personal experience bringing up kids and running your own house is far easier and very different.

We’ve had an up and down relationship in the past and I’ve certainly experienced struggles but I worked through loads of that in therapy and we’d reached a good place. This is all stirring up a lot of those feelings.

I just don’t see how I can continue to do this for the next 4 and a half weeks day in, day out (and possibly longer after that).

Incase anyone suggests it, they couldn’t afford care from outside support or an agency and have said they wouldn’t want anyone they didn’t know helping them with everything anyway.

How do I find the balance of not feeling so guilty and resentful all the time, having some time for me and being there for said family member all the time too?

Thank you of your read it all, I never meant for it to be this long! 🙈

Why did you agree to do this? Did you live with them previously? What is happening with your own job/partner/family/pets/home? I hope someone can suggest where help might come from. I'm not sure how you'll get out of this now short of phoning social services and walking out.

BTW I don't think you sound like a horrible person at all.

I don’t know- but offer you solidarity. My situation is nowhere near as bad as yours, but my DM struggles with loneliness and occasional illnesses leaving her in bed a few weeks. I just inwardly moan! ALOT!

Sounds like your elderly should’ve stayed in hospital OP. That’s a lot of care.

You are not unreasonable, it is a lot of work!

Can you get GP to refer to your local Reablement team as caring for people who need additional support after a hospital admission is exactly what they are for.

I think you need to set some clearer boundaries about what you can and can't do. 'I'm going to need to take a 10 minute walk' and 'I'm tired and need an hour minutes to rest in my room' and 'I need to pop down to the cafe down the road and have a chat with my friend, I'll be X minutes'.

Unfortunately you can't solve their feeling of loneliness. They need to be in charge of that eg are their friends visiting? Are they calling their friends?

No-one can live completely in service to another. You're a better carer when you care for yourself too. If you can, you could try and be open about that. 'It's reminding me of covid times being inside all the time. I really need time to myself and time outside. It will help me enjoy my time with you more, if I get some breaks'.

If someone has had an operation then they can access six weeks of carers to help them with the transition.

My dad had cancer and got this after a couple of his ops. In my experience many elderly people don't always see what is involved in caring for them.

Go out. Take time out. Try to distinguish between what they need and what they want.

As you are discovering you cannot care for someone all the time - you need breaks.

You shouldn't feel guilty, it sounds like you're expected to do an awful lot. Why is it only you that can do things like loo trips?

Can you investigate getting carers to share the load? It's too much for one person especially as your relative doesnt even sound very grateful.

I'm tired of older people who expect everything done for them, they need to accept some responsibility if they are able.

It’s all about them, isn’t it. How is that ok?

Fam sounds a heartsink.

Take control back.

You're not selfish, even if elderly relative likes to guilt trip you. You're doing way more than I would do. I would also never put this sort of selfish expectations on my own children to care for me. I'm in my 50s and have kind of accepted that if I'm lucky enough to live to be elderly there'll be nobody around to care for me. I wouldn't put it on my children and I think carers will only exist for the very rich.
Your relative is very, very lucky, I wouldn't expect gratitude (from anyone) though because you're not going to get it OP.

Can you not speak to hospital social work team/GP and ask for reablement service. It's intense therapy for 6 weeks and included day to day care visits. Up to 4 max so you don't have to it all. It's free as it's NHs funded

in life in general I try to adopt the approach that you either do things willingly and with good grace - even the things you don’t want to do OR you just don’t do them. Resentment is such a negative place to be in.

You are talking as if you don’t have a choice or any agency in this: why do you think that? You can choose to walk away at any point, so if you aren’t then - for your own mental health - you need to accept that you are choosing to do this and make peace with it.

Or pull up your big girl pants and say no.

My FIL was very resistant to having a private carer do his personal care after a hip op. But it was that or nothing tbh. DH lives overseas, SIL has a job and family. No one was going to put their life on hold to do what could be done by a professional carer.

I moved in with my dad after a hip operation for a couple of months to care for him, the hospital wouldn’t discharge him unless someone agreed to stay with him and he was worried he would be put in a care home. We also didn’t have a great relationship, and my siblings refused to do any care so it was all on me. Totally understand how you feel, you’re not a bad person and your feelings are completely valid, it is hard work. You could contact social services and ask for help, your family member can not decide that you alone will care for them, they need the care and if you are finding it all too much they need to be understanding of that and accept outside help.

Unfortunately, you got sucked into this rather than just saying "no". In which case, as mentioned, carers would have been arranged.
Just try to cut back as much as possible and speak to Social Services and/or charities re any help they can give. It's absolutely not your job to do any of this, OP.

Absolutely this. Hospital should have set this up prior to discharge. My mother needed same amount of care following hospital discharge from breaking her arm. She had told hospital staff that she didn’t need need any assistance her daughter would do it all.
I was working full time at the time and no chance that I could take 4-6 weeks leave to provide the care my mother needed. She had the hospital arrange care and it went well. Get on to the hospital and tell them you can’t go on doing this.
good luck

You are a good person op. I won't do this for my parents. Could you have left your relative in hospital? I would do that. Worried about how much the system might try to force caring on me. No way, I'm not a caring person.

Get in touch with their gp and adult social services, they should have had a care needs assessment, home and financial assessment , reablement or home care set up before they went home. You or someone will have to tell them this is unsustainable and they either get carers, equipment, adaptations in or they need to go to a carehome or rehab unit to recover. There's no way you can carry on like this.

You need to contact the hospital or SS and explain you can't do all of this. I had to say no to this - no way could I afford to take 6 weeks off work to go and live with them to provide care after an operation. Although there was a bizarre assumption this was an entirely reasonable thing to ask of me!

They got two weeks in residential care, then four weeks at home with carers.

They are crying a lot because they say I’m not spending enough time with them and it’s lonely for them etc, which I do understand, hence the guilt for needing some time away. I am getting lots of little comments like ‘oh you’re on your phone I won’t waste my breath talking to you.’

You are feeling exhausted because they will never turn to you and say, thanks you did a great job and I’m fine just watching tv for an hour or so. They will only ever try to guilt you into giving more and more of yourself until you will actually get sick. Nothing you do will be enough to make them happy and it’s mentally exhausting to be on such a hopeless treadmill.
This is a good time to practice boundaries where you get to be the one who decides how much time they get. They will be miserable either way but at least you will stay sane.

Your relative is behaving like a child but you are reacting as if they are your parent. I guess they are?

Instead of getting resentful you need to get tough. You need to look after yourself, mentally and physically. Yes you will help them out, but not all by yourself; and yes you will spend some time with them but not all the time. You can't be at their beck and call 24/7. That ways lies not just resentment but illness for you, and what help will you be then? Blank out the guilt-tripping. If that's their style then it's no wonder you didn't used to have a good relationship.

As for germs, you can't live like a prisoner to keep them feeling safe. Has a doctor told you that your relative needs to be isolated? Take sensible precautions against infection but not more than a carer would take.

Nobody wants to be cared for by strangers but sometimes it is necessary. Your relative needs to get used to carers because they may need care again in future and sooner or later you wont be able to do it all for them. Now is the time to start putting some of the help they need (but don't want) in place so they have time to adjust and start getting used to it as they recover.

I wouldn't be able to do what you're doing so hats off to you, nothing to feel guilty about.

Is there any reason why you didn't access carers rather than take it all on yourself?

Do you normally live there? What about your own house?

What do you normally do with your time? Could you maintain at least some of that for your own sanity eg work, volunteering, meeting with friends, exercise class?

You're not selfish. They should have either kept them in hospital longer or arranged some help on their exit. Has someone said they have carers at home? Or was it assumed?

It always make me mad when they say oh I don't want strangers doing this for me, they did it in hospital for them with no complaints. I don't know why it should change at home.

I am so sorry OP. You are not horrible.

The hospital and social care team should have sorted this out. Referral to re-enablement service, plus provision of aids. I am not sure what can be done retrospectively but I would definitely investigate this. Age UK can be helpful.

Next time- and there will absolutely be a next time- you say ' this is an unsafe discharge. I cannot provide the care s/he needs'. Grey rock.

Check out cockroach cafe on the elderly parents thread asap. Many in the trenches on there, as well as some graduates.

Strength to you.

Poor you it sounds a nightmare. I did four days for my husband post a foot op and that was enough. It is relentless and suffocating as you say.
You are on duty from 6am it sounds exhausting. Surely your parent is improving post op and regaining their abilities. Make sure you aren't encouraging dependence, I mean that kindly but I'm sure by this stage your parent could be attempting to wipe their own bottom.

You need to take time and nap, chill and have time on your own to recharge your batteries.

I'm guessing this is your mother by the nasty little things she is saying, but jeez not spending enough time with her! What more could you possibly give you are giving your every waking minute to her.

You have my full sympathy but please don't keep doing this for another 4-6 weeks. As one single person it is physically impossible and you will burnout physically and mentally. Please step away and look into reablement and such services. Look after yourself xx

I’m my mum’s carer but her needs are fairly minimal. They mainly involve her entertainment - she needs to talk about crap constantly. It feels like I have an alien attached to my head with its tendrils worming their way into my brain. She’s so so needy and I’m an introvert with very limited energy….all of which is being drained by her.

Anyway, I probably sound like a bitch. But the point is that they lose their empathy (if they ever had any to begin with) and if there’s no one else around to help support you, then you have to do that for yourself. If you don’t set boundaries and enforce them, you’ll snap or your body will make the decision it’s had enough and you’ll become ill.

Why are you doing this anyway? There is absolutely no way that I’ll be wiping my mother’s bum.