How do I stop feeling resentful?

[Strikingthebalance]

I want to apologize in advance for sounding like a horrible person or resentful but I am struggling with things right now and would welcome any advice from anyone who has been through similar.

Caring for an elderly family member while they recover from major surgery so about 4-6 weeks as minimum. The hospital were awful in terms of post-op support and we’ve had to hire a frame and commode etc from a private company.

They need help with everything e.g. help to get out of bed, help to the toilet, help wiping on the toilet, help to stand up, help to walk from the toilet to the chair, help to get washed and put on deodorant, help to get dressed, help to get food, take pills, etc.

It feels like a lot, but I am doing it all because that’s what is needed. This is as well as running their house in terms of cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

We are 10 days in and the endlessness of it all is really getting me down, as I need to be available almost 24/7. I am needed for the morning routine from 6am and that takes an hour to do all that is needed to set them up for the day.

I get small breaks while another family member is around during parts of the day/ evening but that’s usually smaller things e.g. getting drinks, meds, food etc, and I am still needed for things like toilet trips etc so cannot go far.

It’s reminding me a lot of covid lockdown where we couldn’t leave the house as I feel like I cannot go far for fear of being needed. They also don’t want me to go anywhere busy or mix with people inside where possible as they’re worried about any germs I could bring home to them and make them ill.

When I’m not doing all of the above they want to chat, and find it hard to understand that I need some down time, even if that’s a nap or just sat on my own in silence in the garden or similar.

They are crying a lot because they say I’m not spending enough time with them and it’s lonely for them etc, which I do understand, hence the guilt for needing some time away. I am getting lots of little comments like ‘oh you’re on your phone I won’t waste my breath talking to you.’ I’ve explained I am listening but don’t always respond immediately. I feel like I am being treated like a teenager and mobile phones were not even around when I was an actual teen many moons ago!!

A friend said it’s like caring for another child, but it’s not at all, which I tried to explain. It’s a world away from that and in my personal experience bringing up kids and running your own house is far easier and very different.

We’ve had an up and down relationship in the past and I’ve certainly experienced struggles but I worked through loads of that in therapy and we’d reached a good place. This is all stirring up a lot of those feelings.

I just don’t see how I can continue to do this for the next 4 and a half weeks day in, day out (and possibly longer after that).

Incase anyone suggests it, they couldn’t afford care from outside support or an agency and have said they wouldn’t want anyone they didn’t know helping them with everything anyway.

How do I find the balance of not feeling so guilty and resentful all the time, having some time for me and being there for said family member all the time too?

Thank you of your read it all, I never meant for it to be this long! 🙈

How are you OP? If your person can't afford private carers, I'd recommend speaking to their GP or the hospital ward they were on to find out about adult social services. You can't go on like this!

I am finding the 6am gets up hard going every single day. I tried to communicate that today and negotiate (the morning routine takes anywhere between 30mins - 1hr) but this was not well received and I got tears and all sorts and made to feel like I am being unreasonable and selfish.

This is not normal caring . Sounds like you're dealing with somebody very difficult. It's very difficult to say no when you have been brought up like this 💐
Suggest you have a look at the Out of the fog website for some ideas

Hire a private carer to give you a break.

The options mentioned above need to be explored - the care available post surgery (re-enablement?), and also some private care options need to be looked at, even 1 hour a day.
Why the 6am starts? Are there meds that need to be given at that hour? If not, I'd start there and move that out to 7am, non negotiable. Or else a private carer does it if the patient wont budge.

And when the dust settles on this episode, look at the site mentioned by another poster above, Out of The Fog. A pinch point is not a good time to start enforcing boundaries based on decades of expected ways of behaving, but when that passes take the time to work on those issues, before the next episode happens .

I think sooner rather than later, as poster would get help working out what she is willing and able to do. This is meant to be short term but parent might end up controlling all of OP's life going forward

YABU, you've been manipulated here. If they truly didn't have enough money to pay for help it would have been forthcoming.

The rest of it, I feel for you. I'd start going out for short periods for a break.

It's hard but you've got to be honest with them. Either they let you have a break occasionally by getting in some help and allowing you some down time, stop with the emotional blackmail and stop dictating what you can do when you go out or you're leaving and they'll have to go back to hospital.

If they pull the same shit as this morning just say goodbye, leave and call social services. You've already done over and above what most people would do.

When I was looking after my relative after their hospital discharge, I made a rule with them that from 2pm to 4pm I was ‘off’ ( even if I spent that time watching Tv in my bedroom, I was not ‘in’.) A bit of push back, until I pointed out that in hospital there was a nurse ( several shifts) a kitchen with cooks, a ward orderly to clean, the physio and a very nice woman who pushed a trolley with newspapers and chocolate on it and would stop for a chat. At home there was me.

luckily they cooperated. If your relative won’t, you are going to have to leave the house for your break time. If they want someone there 24/7 , they must accept other help.

BTW the infection thing is batshit and sounds like control freak to me.

I get a sense the patient is already controlling the OPs life.

I have tired to negotiate a later get up time but she’s said she’s not able to as being in bed hurts her.

There’s been a lot more crying and she’s said she’s counting the hours through the night till 6am so I need to do this for her. She said I can go back to bed once I’ve got her sorted but once I’ve been up for an hour it’s she’d to go back to sleep.

She said if I went to bed earlier then I would be more reasonable and able to get up at 6am and give her the time she needs. She said this has really opened her eyes and although it doesn’t stop her loving me she never wants to be dependent on me again as it’s clearly a burden for me.

She’s told me she shouldn’t be starting the day like this and I haven’t once asked her how she slept or anything and she’s just a chore to me and I’m not interested in her. She hopes one day will be able to reflect on how I’m behaving.

I am trying to see this from her perspective and have said I will try and do better.

i am doing less in the day now than i was when I started this so can take some breaks as other family member is doing more of those things like prepping food and making drinks, although tbh I think I’d find that easier. I did ask about swapping/taking turns more but they’re not good in the mornings so won’t work. 😐

I did this for 3 months to get my dm back on her feet after illness. She had nobody else and it was a pleasure to help her but some tips from me: 1. tell the person what time YOU will be up and able to help them from, stick to it and only go to them at that time to start your day of helping. 2. When it comes to personal care start distancing yourself ever so slightly, encourage them to be doing more for themself. 3. Get into a routine of when they're up for the day and have eaten and in front of TV or radio pop out of the house. I used to go out for an hour in the day and an hour early evening after dinner but before having to get them to bed. Don't be answerable to where and what you're doing, just say that you need the exercise and going for a walk. 4. When it comes to the tears and emotional side, be encouraging, kind and try and be as lighthearted as you can. It's likely your relative is scared so proactively talk about things they can do when they're 'better', allow them to be excited about focusing on the future 5. Look into all and every type of support you and they need for going forward. Make the calls (out of earshot) and present the options to them as one or the other but make it clear you have to return to your normal life 6. When you've done bedtime routine and they're settled zone out in front of TV and phone for a while, catch up on your life and keep a list of things you'll be doing for yourself as soon as you can. 7. Keep calm and carry on
You're doing a great job and you sound very kind, go easy on yourself and remember it is temporary.

You should get 6 weeks emergency care on discharge. Get back the GP/social services and ask for help. There should have been an assessment at the hospital? You need to get some help.

She's guilt tripping you and the other family know it so are keeping away. Do you live with her normally or moved in to help. What is your relationship to her, is she paying you. I'd be onto adult social services first thing in the morning, she needs an urgent care assessment, you tell them the current situation has broken down.

Oh totally, which is why I wonder if now is a good a time as any to looking into OOTF. I think we were in agreement with everything but the timing. But I know what you're saying about it being difficult to do when you're in the thick of it 💐

I work in Social Services reablement - your relative absolutely should have been offered this kind of service on discharge. Our workers will visit up to 4 times a day for up to six weeks, and provide all the services you describe.

The service is initially free (there is a point at which it would potentially become chargeable but that is explained at the outset) and it is not the same as having 'carers'. Our work can look the same as care, but we actively encourage independence. So the bottom-wiping, for instance, we would be looking at the barriers to someone being able to do that for themselves and seeking to address those barriers.

If I were you, I would contact adult social services tomorrow and explain the situation. We often accept referrals for people who have been discharged from hospital into the care of a genuinely well-intentioned relative who has found the reality of the role they have accepted to be too much.

She's manipulative and selfish. Of course she's a burden! You're doing everything for her! Even if you enjoyed doing it and she wasn't an arsehole she'd be a burden.

My neighbour has carers come in 3 times a day. In the morning they get her up, fix her breakfast and put her in a chair. Lunchtime, it's lunch and personal care, dinner time the same then into bed. Do the bare minimum until social services sort something out then walk away and go no contact.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough for her. You're caring for her all day every day and she still wants more. She doesn't give a shit about what it's like for you, only what it's like for her. Has she ever asked you how you slept? How you're coping with all this work and stress? Whether she can do anything to make YOUR life easier? No, only complains that you're not doing enough.

You poor soul I really feel for you but I suspect it is only going to get worse. I think as you try to step back she will ramp up the emotional manipulation. She sounds a master of it, has she always been self centred and difficult?

There is a reason nurses work set shifts, you need time off and a break, you can't do it alone.

You cant provide all the care needed by your mother with no break. 24hr a day 7 days a week.

Are you going to take up any of the good suggestions mentioned here like reablement?

I'm afraid this set up is going to destroy you

This is too much for you op.

I looked after a parent who had a hip operation recently and even though we get along like a house on fire, it was hard work. So I appreciate this would be much harder with a difficult person.

First of all, I only stayed a couple of nights. They don't need you there for weeks.

Why are they getting up at 6? Can they sleep later?

My parent was able to walk to the shower and wash themself, whilst I stood nearby and helped with the hairwashing, passing soap, shampoo etc Could you try that so that they are as independent as possible?

I made sure they were dressed (helping get the pressure socks on & off) by passing them clothes and only helping if they really couldn't manage something.

Then dried their hair for them and waited/watched them walk downstairs to the living room.

They needed to do physio every day to speed recovery - does your relative have exercises to do?

I then would leave them lunch, hang a wash up for them etc... and go home to do my actual job.

Then I'd come back at dinner time to cook for them, wash up & see them upstairs to bed.

They would read, do the crossword, listen to the radio, watch TV, chat to friends on their phone whilst I was out.

My main thought was to get them back to independence asap.

Would this approach help at all?
You need some time for yourself op or you will explode.

I hope that some of my experience might help. You are doing a really hard job. And well done to you for trying!

You aren't being selfish. And I realise it's hard but try not to feel bad.
Let them cry if they need to. It's miserable having to recover from something like this.
Give them a hug. Tell them you love them (if you do) and tell them what you need to happen.

This is very good advice.

I'd have told her to fuck off and left if l was spoken to like that!

Crikey, you tried to negotiate a later get up and the response you got from her!

I'd be having a lie in until 10am every day from now on or going for a night in a hotel.

If she wants to get up at 6am then she needs to have a carer who is there at 6am. Not you.

You are doing something very hard and I think you are making it harder for yourself than it needs to be.

You do not need to wait attendance 100% on this person - if they had carers it would not be this frequent, more likely 4 times a day - they also would not be able to dictate when you came to see them - and it is very unlikely to be 6am.

You need to stop being manipulated by tears.

You need to go out and give yourself a break - it does not sound that they need care 100% of the time - they might prefer that, but it does not sound absolutely necessary.

You are letting yourself be run ragged by someone who seems to be enormously selfish. Stop. They have to compromise on what they want. You need to have this conversation - they will cry.

They do not get everything their own way. You must establish boundaries on your own space and time or you will burn out.