How do I stop feeling resentful?

[Strikingthebalance]

I want to apologize in advance for sounding like a horrible person or resentful but I am struggling with things right now and would welcome any advice from anyone who has been through similar.

Caring for an elderly family member while they recover from major surgery so about 4-6 weeks as minimum. The hospital were awful in terms of post-op support and we’ve had to hire a frame and commode etc from a private company.

They need help with everything e.g. help to get out of bed, help to the toilet, help wiping on the toilet, help to stand up, help to walk from the toilet to the chair, help to get washed and put on deodorant, help to get dressed, help to get food, take pills, etc.

It feels like a lot, but I am doing it all because that’s what is needed. This is as well as running their house in terms of cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

We are 10 days in and the endlessness of it all is really getting me down, as I need to be available almost 24/7. I am needed for the morning routine from 6am and that takes an hour to do all that is needed to set them up for the day.

I get small breaks while another family member is around during parts of the day/ evening but that’s usually smaller things e.g. getting drinks, meds, food etc, and I am still needed for things like toilet trips etc so cannot go far.

It’s reminding me a lot of covid lockdown where we couldn’t leave the house as I feel like I cannot go far for fear of being needed. They also don’t want me to go anywhere busy or mix with people inside where possible as they’re worried about any germs I could bring home to them and make them ill.

When I’m not doing all of the above they want to chat, and find it hard to understand that I need some down time, even if that’s a nap or just sat on my own in silence in the garden or similar.

They are crying a lot because they say I’m not spending enough time with them and it’s lonely for them etc, which I do understand, hence the guilt for needing some time away. I am getting lots of little comments like ‘oh you’re on your phone I won’t waste my breath talking to you.’ I’ve explained I am listening but don’t always respond immediately. I feel like I am being treated like a teenager and mobile phones were not even around when I was an actual teen many moons ago!!

A friend said it’s like caring for another child, but it’s not at all, which I tried to explain. It’s a world away from that and in my personal experience bringing up kids and running your own house is far easier and very different.

We’ve had an up and down relationship in the past and I’ve certainly experienced struggles but I worked through loads of that in therapy and we’d reached a good place. This is all stirring up a lot of those feelings.

I just don’t see how I can continue to do this for the next 4 and a half weeks day in, day out (and possibly longer after that).

Incase anyone suggests it, they couldn’t afford care from outside support or an agency and have said they wouldn’t want anyone they didn’t know helping them with everything anyway.

How do I find the balance of not feeling so guilty and resentful all the time, having some time for me and being there for said family member all the time too?

Thank you of your read it all, I never meant for it to be this long! 🙈

Thank you everyone. My other family member is doing more and I have had a great nap today and then was able to talk to a friend on the phone.

I haven’t given her any company besides the care today so am going to try and spend the evening with her as she said she’s feeling lonely and unloved and I feel guilty about that.

Great that you've had a more relaxing day but don't feel guilty, do you live with her. Don't pander to her, why can't she sit with the others, face time, speak with them on the phone if she's feeling lonely.

Op

I don't know where you live

In England, if someone has been in hospital & requires help after they leave
They could have up to 4 calls per day from carers for I believe 6 weeks.

After a certain time period any further care may need to be paid for.
Did you not ensure that there was a care plan before discharge?
You can still request a care plan via the hospital or social services

Secondly, you are allowed a life
You can leave & go when & where you want to
There are currently zero health restrictions
So go shopping, go for a walk, exercise, socialise, work, family etc

Adult social services may be able to get carers in place now she is out of hospital.

I would also be putting in a complaint to the hospital as she should not have been sent home without arrangements for
commode etc.

Also you might be entitled to some free care post hospital stay and that can usually be set up quite quickly but you wouldn’t have choice of company.

Care companies can be very good at helping you to navigate the system.

They would be entitled to a period of free care through reablement. You need to speak to the discharge team or social services.

Yes, my mother had quite a long period of free care when she came out of hospital. I think everyone is entitled to it regardless of income. Perhaps they could do the early morning slot.
I do not have a great relationship with my mother but even if I did, I would not be physically caring for her. If you need care you don’t get to decide who does it. You don’t choose in hospital and you don’t choose when you come out.
We have already had this discussion with our adult children and told them we don’t want them ruining their lives for us. This relative doesn’t sound like a nice person.

I have a similar one, a care refuser not keeping their end of a bargain. Time to get tough. And OP it is a chore, you shouldn't have to paint a happy face on uf your ot happy. I don't, I just do what needs doing and get out of the room. I serve the food, then leave, support with dressing then leave the room if having a bad day. I'm honest with her about my feelings and tell her if she wants anything else then she'll have to pay.

......you can feel resentful.....I do

I’ve asked for 2 morning a week off from the 6am get up (another family member will do these 2 mornings). This has not been well received and I’ve been informed that if I went to bed earlier then I would be able to manage the 6am get ups no problem. It’s an emotional break as much as physical one. I have tried to explain it’s not about what time I go to bed, it’s that I want to lay in till 7/8am once in a while which I don’t think is unreasonable.

OP nothing you do will ever be good enough. Listen to yourself. You're being steam rollered here presumably by your mother. You can bleed yourself dry and she'll be ungrateful and you'll be guilty or you can get outside help and she'll be ungrateful and you'll feel guilty but at least you won't be dead with stress.

She's being an ungrateful bitch. I don't usually use bad language in here. You were well within your rights to tell her to F off the first hour you began to dance attendance on her

There is no reason for her not to agree to this, she still gets to get up at 6am, you get a rest but she is still complaining and always will. I don't think you should stop feeling resentful, you should resent her.

You need to stop listening to her and letting her have a say, tell her what's happening and when she kicks off just walk away. Treat her like a child.

With regard to paying for some help, does the person get Attendance Allowance? That might be an option moving forward. Age UK can help with the application.

i don’t know what her illness was but I would worry that spending so much time in bed and not managing any self care could mean she is not able to manage after 6 weeks.

could this be highlighted to GP/ Social services -that progress is v slow and a non family member carer or physio might speed the recovery?

OP you said this was a temporary arrangement while your relative recovered from surgery.

You are now 20 days in - is there any sign of recovery or independence at all?

This has all the signs of turning into a permanent arrangement, have you been in touch with Reablement yet?

I'd echo the previous poster - if this is 20 days in and this level of care is still needed then professional input is required. (Overdue I would say, this patient should have been provided with some supports at home before discharge, not sure how that didnt happen?).
Please listen to all the good advice on here OP, and consider all options available.
Remove all emotions while looking at solutions - treat it like a business situation as in what would work best, for the family member, for you, for others involved vs whats possible.
But if you continue as you are, then this will keep happening.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes".

Surely if that's the case then the first operation you have that needs aftercare will kill you? Like a hysterectomy in five years time? Seems unduly pessimistic surely.

Thanks everyone. We’ve discussed the possibility of carers etc and it’s an absolute no from her. She won’t accept any outside help.

She won’t even allow her friends to visit as she doesn’t want anyone to see her like this or the commode in the living room.

The emotional toll is harder than the Physical one but expressing that I’m finding this all difficult is met with the reminder than she cared for us growing up for so many years without complaint!

You are 5 weeks in now presumably OP, how is the recovery progressing?

Is the end near?

I know it's really hard but, if you were able to step back and look at this logically and in a more detached way, you'd realise that you hold all the power. All she has is words, and I know they are horrible, upsetting words but she needs you a lot more that you need her, well you don't need her do you?

You are taking everything she says as being true, ie you helping more, getting up earlier. You are trying to do more and more to stop the words, stop the tears to stop that horrible feeling of guilt inside. Therapists say to sit with the feeling, not try and remove it and I think this is really apt in your case - sit with the guilt, don't respond to the emotional blackmail, you'll feel awful but it's a feeling, feelings aren't facts - just like her words aren't facts.

Week 4 is almost drawing to a close. She needs atleast another 2 weeks of elevation and then when the pins come out, she should be able to put a bit of pressure on her foot (I hope!) although I don’t know if she’ll still need to use the walking frame which will mean a lot the caring will need to continue. I will only be able to offer help in a more reduced capacity as I will be back at work full time.

I'm going to make an assumption that the relative is your mother in order to exert this level of control, guilt trip and manipulation.

I really think you would benefit from some more therapy as it looks like this situation has eaten through your boundaries to protect your own needs and happiness. I get the sense you are doing this out of fear/obligation/guilt and it is far from usual for a parent to demand this level of care from their adult child. In a healthy relationship the parent would be appreciative of any support and be concerned about the impact they were having on their child's life.

She doesn't get to force you to provide physically intimate care. She can't chose that you do this, you need to choose to say no. She sounds quite narcissistic, might worth doing some reading around handling narcissistic mothers, grey rock and maintaining boundaries.

Saying no feels deeply uncomfortable initially and made me feel physically sick but i promise getting out from under the FOG is wonderful long term. For me personally it's created a space where I can have functional relationship without having to consider anything drastic like no contact.

I hope the silver lining to this situation is that its a great opportunity to invest in yourself and support for how you move forward so you aren't put in the same spot again in future as they become more elderly and need more care.

OP I really feel for you. The physical and mental load is tough enough without all the emotional blackmail and abuse on top. Next time, because there will be a next time, refuse from the start. Take care of yourself x

I'm sorry but I've been the main carer for someone after major operations and only stayed a few days (less if being abused, which did happen).

If they need this much care, they need a proper care plan.

Her choice to have kids. That would have been my reply