Feeling constantly guilty about my mum--how to cope?

[questionaboutmum1]

I've name changed for this.

Question to fellow mumsnetters about how to be with my mum.

A bit of background. My mum is 66 and I am 41. She lives abroad and I live in the EU now. I am a single child and my parents were very helpful to me when I was a university studentthey supported me to study in the UK at a great financial cost to them. They also helped with childcare when my son was smallnot for free, we paid them a childminder's salary, plus foreign holidays, eating out and a cleaner for them, but it made life much easier for us knowing our son was well looked after.

My dad passed away 4 years ago and since then I really struggled being an only close relative to my mum. I organise and pay for her to visit us 2 times a year (1 month each time), usually around summer and Christmas. But she doesn't think this is enough and asked me to arrange a permanent residency for her in my country and to buy her a flat. I agreed to this, but again this will involve substantial cost and time from my side.

The problem is that my children don't really like her. They never want to speak to her on Skype / phone and she gets really upset. This is mainly because she doesn't respect their boundaries at all when she visits and likes to impose her own rules (small example--my son would ask her not to clean his computer, she would do it anyway with a spray that is not suitable etc). My DH tries his best to be neutral.

I call her 3 times a week for a chat, and each times she complains about how lonely she is, how small her pension is (she has personal savings but doesn't like spending them), how I'm not getting on with her residency permit fast enough, today she said that "I'll probably die on my own because you don't need me" and burst into tears because my son wouldn't speak to her and "she brought him up". She thinks I "allow" my children to be horrible to her.

I struggle with my own mental health and find it really difficult to speak to her because every time she tries to guilt trip me about something. Ideally I would go NC, but I feel sad for her because I'm her only child and the healthcare in her country isn't great and I'd like her to be well cared for in her old age.

I think ideally she wants to live with us and help with the children but we don't want that.

Does anyone have parents like this and how do you cope? Thank you for reading.

Is your mum disabled or have health issues that makes things particularly difficult for her? You're treating her like someone who is 86, not 66 - most of the women I know in their 60s have hugely busy lives and don't expect to have such a large involvement in their adult children's lives.

The bit of your post that jumped out at me was that your children don't like her. They don't like her imposition on them or her controlling behaviour. You only put up with this out of habit and because of the guilt trips.

It's not your job to fix her problems. By all means continue to support her with her residency, but point out that she will not be living with you and you will not be going all out to help her with the move.

@redskydarknight mum is in good health, no issues there. She goes to the gym etc. I think you are right that it has become a habit, but I just don't know how to get out of the cycle without her making me feel even more guilty.

Blimey she's hard work, and that's at a distance! I'm 66, my kids are your age and I'd never burden them like that. That level of guilt tripping, in my opinion, is so far beyond manipulation it verges on abuse. Put your kids first. You feel guilty about an adult who's capable of looking after herself but surely you'd feel more guilty if you did bend to her will and made your kids' lives miserable. Recruit your husband too, he needs to defend his family here. Put your kids and yourself first. Be kind to her but put some boundaries in place and defend them.

She is a grown adult woman of working age, how would you treat another woman like this ?
work out the difference between how you would be to any other woman, and then see if you can be more like that with your mum.

she has installed guilt buttons in you that no one else would activate

put the problem back to her, I’ don’t know mum, what do you think you should do next

@Inthedarkhere thank you for saying with, I think what I have struggled with is maintaining any kind of healthy boundaries with her. For example, I have asked multiple times to limit calls to 3 times a week, but she calls every day and then complains when I don't often answer.

I feel for her, because it must be hard without my dad being there, but I lost all sense of what's normal in this kind of parental relationship or how to manage it better.

She’s 66 she needs to get a job, make friends and love her own life.

@isthewashingdryyet
'she has installed guilt buttons in you that no one else would activate'

this really hit the nail on the head for me, but i don't know how to go about de-installing them! I feel I owe her because she was there for me at critical points of my life when I needed help. She won't ever say no if I needed something. But the price appears to be that I need to provide for all her emotional / financial / social needs.

Can you access counselling through your work ?
that may help you to see what is reasonable to do for her and what is totally unacceptable

for the phone calls, don’t answer, and send a text to say, we agreed Mon, Weds and Friday, so speak tomorrow. Send this text every time.
allow her to tantrum but only send this text until the time for the next call.
its okay to out the phone down on her - we will all gibpve you permission to do this.

@isthewashingdryyet yes I am starting to think that the counselling might be helpful.

thanks for the permission to put the phone down!

Somebody gave it to me years ago, and my mum was astonished when I said, I told you I didn’t want to talk about that, so will go now. I will call on Friday as usual, bye bye, and down went the phone.

Have you heard of ‘the Stately Homes’ thread in Relationships? If you haven’t , then you will find a lot in it to help you through the FOG (Fear.
obligation, guilt) that you are in with your demanding mother.
Hope that you can get some clarity, Op, it’s not an easy place to be. 💐
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

@FadedRed thanks so much for the link, I will read through!

@isthewashingdryyet i’m glad you found to the strength to do this! Sounds like it is definitely the right approach

She has trained you to defer to & obey her, you need to break the training!
It's not easy when you feel guilty but if you can sit with the guilt and face her down then she will have to be the one who backs down.

I shook for about an hour after the first time, and ate a lot of chocolate that I had already bought specially for the purpose. But it worked, and she apologised on the Friday and never did it again.
Your mum has a lot to lose, if she loses your goodwill, so be aware who has the power 🍫

She's not elderly - she's of working age! Nip this one in the bud!

Someone who has lost their life partner is very lonely but you can't replace the life partner. Mine did this for a while (I was living with her) but I ended up moving 6 hours away so she had to find her own feet. Can you point her towards bereavement counselling and set some boundaries.

It was her choice to help with the kids - and seeing how they now are with her was it actually helpful or more for her benefit?

She could be out there working, volunteering and having a social life but she's choosing not to.

@EmotionalBlackmail and did this find her own feet in the end?

This is very true OP.
She needs you way WAY WAY more than you need her, and yet she's got you on the back foot.
You have to stand up to her, quietly and calmly stop giving in to her. Quietly and calmly nudge her into backing down.

Is the residency permit likely to be approved?

How does she intend to support herself if she moves near you?

A life changer for me was the realisation that I was not responsible for my mothers happiness. Neither are you.

YES! She has a far more active social life than I do! There was another thread on here a while ago from someone who'd got into the habit of having a widowed mother to stay every single weekend and now couldn't get out of the habit!

Mine's still really annoying and drives me mad but at least I'm no longer seeing her all the time. I'd go mad if she visited for a month at a time!

Boundaries-wise, use your phone settings so it doesn't ring through unless you choose to take the call. I don't answer mine during working or commuting hours. If you don't even answer then there's no conversation to be had.

I'd really question whether he moving to your country is the best thing tbh. She might focus win you completely as wouldn't know anyone else.

Might be better staying where she is, and also I'd cut down calls to say once a week, / low contact.

The only advantage you have here is that she doesn't live near to you. I wouldn't surrender that because if she moves close to you this will be far worse. Every birthday, Christmas, holiday, celebration. All with your mother @questionaboutmum1

asked me to arrange a permanent residency for her in my country and to buy her a flat. I agreed to this, but again this will involve substantial cost and time from my side
OP, you are in complete control of what happens with the residency. She is trying to work everything to her advantage. You should be doing the same, tell her you are working on it but dont actually do anything.
Why would you invest time effort & money in something that will make your & your children's lives worse?

@EmotionalBlackmail thats good to hear that she has an active social life!