Feeling constantly guilty about my mum--how to cope?

[questionaboutmum1]

I've name changed for this.

Question to fellow mumsnetters about how to be with my mum.

A bit of background. My mum is 66 and I am 41. She lives abroad and I live in the EU now. I am a single child and my parents were very helpful to me when I was a university studentthey supported me to study in the UK at a great financial cost to them. They also helped with childcare when my son was smallnot for free, we paid them a childminder's salary, plus foreign holidays, eating out and a cleaner for them, but it made life much easier for us knowing our son was well looked after.

My dad passed away 4 years ago and since then I really struggled being an only close relative to my mum. I organise and pay for her to visit us 2 times a year (1 month each time), usually around summer and Christmas. But she doesn't think this is enough and asked me to arrange a permanent residency for her in my country and to buy her a flat. I agreed to this, but again this will involve substantial cost and time from my side.

The problem is that my children don't really like her. They never want to speak to her on Skype / phone and she gets really upset. This is mainly because she doesn't respect their boundaries at all when she visits and likes to impose her own rules (small example--my son would ask her not to clean his computer, she would do it anyway with a spray that is not suitable etc). My DH tries his best to be neutral.

I call her 3 times a week for a chat, and each times she complains about how lonely she is, how small her pension is (she has personal savings but doesn't like spending them), how I'm not getting on with her residency permit fast enough, today she said that "I'll probably die on my own because you don't need me" and burst into tears because my son wouldn't speak to her and "she brought him up". She thinks I "allow" my children to be horrible to her.

I struggle with my own mental health and find it really difficult to speak to her because every time she tries to guilt trip me about something. Ideally I would go NC, but I feel sad for her because I'm her only child and the healthcare in her country isn't great and I'd like her to be well cared for in her old age.

I think ideally she wants to live with us and help with the children but we don't want that.

Does anyone have parents like this and how do you cope? Thank you for reading.

@redskydarknight i realize intellectually that whatever I do it won’t be enough for her, you are right, but still struggle with the feelings of guilt and obligation. Normally I have good boundaries with people but can’t stop being a “mum pleaser” if that makes sense.

It is not fair for your mum to make you feel that youre responsible for her entire life and happiness.

66 is still a young older person. Why doesn't she volunteer which will help keep busy /make friends and make her feel useful valuable and wanted. Starting over in a new country in your late 60s seems a pretty extreme cure for loneliness! Why doesn't she join the WI , U3A or Age Concern and meet other older people living locally to her looking to make friends and wanting to join in with activities.....

This would be a worry for me. I think she could move near you but she’s still young and needs for both your sakes to have her own life. If you live in an area like the Dordogne or some places in Spain there might be English speaking people to socialize with but if she moves somewhere and can’t speak to anyone but you it’s not going to be easy to be independent .

I understand what you're saying OP. I'm in the same position except my DM is 78 and has no mobility whatsoever.

But no matter what you do, it will never be enough for your DM as it has always been the way with my DM. The more you do, the more she'll demand of you until you are on your knees. Counselling has helped me set some boundaries; maybe that's something you can consider getting?

Quite right she was there for you, she's your parent and chose to have you. That's not her doing something special - that's a parents role. It's hard when you feel guilty I know, horrible feeling.

I know I am late to this thread and other people have posted but this resonated with me as I used to feel sorry for my mum being "stuck" in a shitty marriage that she moaned to me about from being a very small child and I thought I should try and make her happy. So if she said I need a holiday I would rush to book something where I should have said oh yes where are you going to go? My dad went into hospital and she said to me I don't want him home and I then just ran around sorting that out.

You cannot make another person happy you just can't - it's not your responsibility, she is not your responsibility.

I've pulled back massively from mine and amazingly she is able to do all those things I did for her - or find someone else to. If she's like mine, she's treating you like a surrogate spouse.

She is one of these parents who see their children as their property for life, rather than independent individuals, and program them from early childhood to feel intense guilt and self doubt and raise them to believe what their parent says is paramount, even when they become adults.

This is a toxic relationship.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness and you have your own family and life to live.

No matter what you do anyway she will always find reasons to criticise you and try to exercise control.

Also I don't understand why she expect to be able to settle in another country all of the sudden. There usually are immigration rules.

I think you really need to nip this in the bud and make it clear you will not provide her with a new home and deal with her immigration formalities and that she needs to live her life and plan for her old age in the country she currently lives in.

If not, you will never live your own life and you will spent the next 20 or 30 years having to deal with the every whims of someone who will make your life a misery.

Some counselling would really be helpful if you are struggling to finally put boundaries in place and reduce her influence on you.

Well said @Startingagainandagain 👏🏻

Definitely! I live with mine and can't get away. The rest of my family don't allow me to leave. They know how to lay on the guilttripping. I'm almost the same age as the OP. I've no life of my own, just work and home to Mum. My Mum is thinking of moving to a retirement village, although other relatives are against this. So I'm hoping Mum does move to a retirement village as she'll make some friends and have more to fill her time, and then I can escape