Feeling constantly guilty about my mum--how to cope?

[questionaboutmum1]

I've name changed for this.

Question to fellow mumsnetters about how to be with my mum.

A bit of background. My mum is 66 and I am 41. She lives abroad and I live in the EU now. I am a single child and my parents were very helpful to me when I was a university studentthey supported me to study in the UK at a great financial cost to them. They also helped with childcare when my son was smallnot for free, we paid them a childminder's salary, plus foreign holidays, eating out and a cleaner for them, but it made life much easier for us knowing our son was well looked after.

My dad passed away 4 years ago and since then I really struggled being an only close relative to my mum. I organise and pay for her to visit us 2 times a year (1 month each time), usually around summer and Christmas. But she doesn't think this is enough and asked me to arrange a permanent residency for her in my country and to buy her a flat. I agreed to this, but again this will involve substantial cost and time from my side.

The problem is that my children don't really like her. They never want to speak to her on Skype / phone and she gets really upset. This is mainly because she doesn't respect their boundaries at all when she visits and likes to impose her own rules (small example--my son would ask her not to clean his computer, she would do it anyway with a spray that is not suitable etc). My DH tries his best to be neutral.

I call her 3 times a week for a chat, and each times she complains about how lonely she is, how small her pension is (she has personal savings but doesn't like spending them), how I'm not getting on with her residency permit fast enough, today she said that "I'll probably die on my own because you don't need me" and burst into tears because my son wouldn't speak to her and "she brought him up". She thinks I "allow" my children to be horrible to her.

I struggle with my own mental health and find it really difficult to speak to her because every time she tries to guilt trip me about something. Ideally I would go NC, but I feel sad for her because I'm her only child and the healthcare in her country isn't great and I'd like her to be well cared for in her old age.

I think ideally she wants to live with us and help with the children but we don't want that.

Does anyone have parents like this and how do you cope? Thank you for reading.

@Biggleslefae This is mainly due to healthcare in my country being much better. She would be moving to a seaside town about an hour train journey from us, so not super close.

@IDoNotIntroduceTheLog she has savings which will last at least 15 years. And yes the residency is likely to be approved, my country allows family reunification with parents.

I realise she spent a lot on educating you in another country but this is what you do as a parent for your children. You don’t expect your children to buy you a flat and move them to their country of residence.
Unless you have bucket loads of money your priorities should be your children and if you are funding your mother you are essentially taking from them.

Added to that she has no respect for your children and her moving would make everyone’s lives significantly worse. I would lessen the contact and make it clear moving is not an option

You'd be doing her - and you - a favour by being bluntly honest. At the moment it's easy for her to put her life on hold until her desired life starts with (or near) you. She has no need to socialise and create more of a life where she is while she has this fantasy future.

Decide what works for you, and tell her. I'm sure she won't be at all happy at first, but it pulls you all out of limbo.

eg if she moves she will be welcome to visit for x days every xx, phone call once a week from now onwards...

Otherwise if she moved she will try to live with you in all but name. I don't think your DH can stay neutral in this. He needs to fully support you in setting firm boundaries.

@CeruleanDive I think this is a very good point about “future life” versus “actual life”. It is making it more difficult for all of us at the moment.

So why are you having to arrange and pay for her move??

Tell her you can't afford it.

I feel I owe her because she was there for me at critical points of my life when I needed help.

That's just bog standard parenting.

@IDoNotIntroduceTheLog

because she (and I) don’t want her savings to be depleted. To be honest, this is not a major problem.

”bog standard parenting”. This has made me laugh! She always made me feel like her parenting has been exceptional and above and beyond. “We were working hard paying for your education when our friends were buying fancy cars”

Look at this way, she did her best for you when you were a child. That's what parents do. She's been well rewarded for the support she gave to you and your husband when your kids were smaller. There is no debt there, you don't owe her anything you really don't. The fact your kids don't like her speaks volumes. Your duty lies now with continuing to be a good mum and keep yours at arm's length.

@Inthedarkhere thank you, this is a helpful way to look at it

She helped you at critical times in your life - because she is your mother! You will do the same for your kids, and so on…
you don’t owe her your whole life . Please forgive yourself and put in boundaries. She is really not old. She needs to find a life and stop trying to piggy back yours.

That sounds so difficult OP. I can relate to having a relative who used to do the guilt tripping.

I distanced myself. Used to answer the phone less, got the phone contact down to a level I was comfortable with. Was very hard, lots of guilt and also had another relative berate me for it.

Took years, because I was trying to change the "rules of engagement" in the relationship, but my relative didn't want it to change.

Eventually they did adjust and it's easier to spend time with them now.

Does she speak the language of the country you live in ?

I’m shocked at your mother’s sense of entitlement here. Expecting you to sort residency, buy her a flat, pay for multiple holidays and trips. If this was a husband and not a mother we’d all be querying financial abuse.

I am worried this might get far worse if she moves to your country OP.

If that's what happens does she have to live 1 hour away? That has its benefits but I can see you doing frequent two hour round trips!

OP, my impression that is that your mother not only wants payment in full for everything she did for you as a child she wants interest on it too!
But if you pay her back in full and with interest that leaves you nothing for yourself and for your children. We cannot pay our parents back in full we have to pay it forward to the next generation.
It feels as if she did things for you with the mindset that this is her insurance policy, that you are obligated to sacrifice yourself for her because she had you and brought you up. But this is not feasible
"your children are not your children, they are the sons and the daughters of life's longing to be free, they come through you but they are not from you"
etc.
We do not own our children. We owe it to them to do our best for them and then we hope they will do the best they can with their lives.

Oh dear OP. I don't wish to infer things or be rude,but I can see this going pear shaped very quickly.
From what you've described,I can't see her being happy living an hour away from her. I suspect that you'll soon be doing numerous trips backwards and forwards,sorting out every minor little thing, because she's in a strange country/ doesn't speak the language/ doesn't know how things work/ doesn't know anyone else. You'll be doing all the life admin as well as social support.

I can also imagine that she'll expect to be there for every occasion,Sunday lunch,birthdays,Easter,Christmas/New Year,graduation,or just because she's lonely and she's your mother,so feels entitled to be involved.
What would the effect of this constant presence be on your DH/DC?

Would you be able to be honest with her and tell her that you don't feel that this move would be good for her? If not,then all you can do is delay,delay,delay. Say you've made an error on the forms and have to start again,paperwork has been lost,emails sent to the wrong address,person dealing with the case has gone off sick, whatever you can think of.
Best of luck!

@Chazzacoco she doesn’t at the moment but speaks two other European languages fluently so is hoping to learn

@Biggleslefae i think you are right. Re your point about us not owning our children —I completely get it in relation to my own children, but in relation to her, I just want her to be happy and struggle to be at peace with my own life if I know she is miserable (which is most of the time).

I just want her to be happy and struggle to be at peace with my own life if I know she is miserable (which is most of the time)
I hear you and I would feel the same I'm sure. However, if I'm unhappy I tend not to 'dump' it on my adult (mid 30s) children.
She's not likely to change who she is now though and will be a product of her own upbringing, ie largely unable to help who she is.
It's very tricky to navigate!

@Biggleslefae can you be my mum 😂

Hehe, I'll be your mumsnet mum😁

But, as already said on this thread you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. If she is miserable most of the time, what do you think you can actually do to make her happy? I suggest nothing. You will do whatever she wants and she will stil be unhappy and what you offer will still not be enough.

You say you struggle with your own mental health. Do you expect your children to "fix" this for you? Or do you realise it's actually down to you?

You are her DD NOT her substitute husband. You shouldn't be asked to fill that gap by her. I wonder if the move over here will end up with you running around after her rather thN managing her life remotely.

What does your DH think about the situation? Your DC arent keen on her when she's living remotely so how does she think shes going to get involved in their teenage lives - shes missed the boat there!

Does she have f&f where she's living now? Is she likely to build a new life for herself over here or be very much reliant on you to plug that gap in her life?

At some point we often become a parent to our own parent/s…. but not when one of them is 66 and still fit and healthy enough to go to the gym.
I am going to be blunt. Your mum is putting you under immense pressure, and of course she has helped you in the past, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be an emotional dumpster.
She just sounds like one of those negative people who uses their children to pile their negative thoughts on, and your own children can already sense it.
If she comes to live in your country, she can use her own financial resources, and at 66 could have an actual life, as well as being great company to you and your family.
But if she really sees it as a stepping stone to living with you, and filling your home with gloom, don’t let her.
If she were 86, you might decide to put up with fixed ways and negative moods. But your mum could live for another thirty years.
It is very difficult to stand up to a parent when you never have. But you are the one who has a fair bit of power in this current situation. Use it to place firm boundaries in place before you do anything else.