Scared sh!tless

[Katkins17]

So....I'm in my 50's with an elderly mother ( 80's) she has multiple health issues and her memory is fading.
Since my brother died 16 years ago, it's only me and the rest of the family is 600 miles away.

We've always had a tricky relationship..my mum is a bit of a narcissist and always have to be right/the best/most popular etc.

My Dad worked nights and she would complain to him when I was a young adult, that I wasn't getting home early enough because it meant she was on her own....so I had to stop going out after work to appease her.
When I went to art school, she enrolled too, and got better exam marks than me...everyone seemed to believe it was my mum who did my work for me ( it absolutely wasn't true)
When I got my work shown a gallery, she also applied to, and sold more paintings.
When I started my business she'd come along with me to shows on my Dads insistence ( she was lonely/alone it was a nice thing to do!!!) and talk herself up or tell everyone how I still 'hadn't lost my baby weight.'

When I was trying to leave my abusive ex. She took his side calling me an evil bitch...I ended up staying with him for a further 3 years.

When my Dad was dying in respite care, she insisted I drive her home as she needed a break...we missed his last conscious moment ( I can't ...just can't forgive her for this)

She brings up my weight constantly ( she lost weight ... as many older people do ... she crows about it )

My adult son moved in with my mum, so she wasn't alone and it gave him space as I'd just had a new baby with my partner...well he's her son now...I'm just the person who gave birth to him.

I could go in...but I'd just be moaning ( even more)
But as you can see, I'm carrying so much resentment which I should have let go of years ago and moved on, I just can't.

She needs care, which as I run my own busy business, I'm just not available to give her, although, she's on the phone with various ills and problems several times a week.
We think she's early dementia and I'm scared to death.
I'm going to be looking after this person, who I ... and I know this sounds awful...don't actually like very much... and giving her care...how am I going to cope.

She won't accept outside care, only wants me, and I've been there for her through every doctors, hospital, clinical appointment...but I'm at breaking point now and feel like sobbing at the prospect of long term care.

Am I being an evil witch? ... any advice or experience, would be great fully appreciated

She sounds awful, you don't owe her anything. Luckily at this stage you can choose not to care for her yourself so go right ahead and stick her in a home!

I would take a massive step back and organise agencies/ food delivery / cleaner to come in and do the lions share and go along once a week or so.
Prioritise your own needs but ensure she's not being neglected.
From what you've described, she would be very lucky for you to do this.

You don't have to look after her. You just don't. She hasn't looked after you very well, has she?

Your are not being evil . Your feelings are justified. But even if you had a great relationship you do not have to care for her, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your wellbeing comes first.

There is another thread on here that includes people with a lot more experience than me. I'm find the link for you.

But for a first step, contact her GP and let them know you are stepping back from your role as the person who arranges and attends appointments with her.

And see what support is available to you such as counselling, to help you through this.

What happened with your brother? Is he still
living there? I’d be nudging the idea that she needs him rather than you. But yeah don’t look after her

@Katkins17 This is the other thread... its now onto version 3, this was the original one.
I think you might find it helpful.
Take care of yourself x
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die

Just wanted to come in here & offer you some support from someone who knows just how hard it is when you have a fantastic relationship with your dm. Honestly it's tough and we got outside help too.

Say no but offer an alternative I.e. carers, cleaner, gardener - don't just offer to sort it out but say here's x they can do... they can start on such & such a date.

If she says she wants you just say you can't do it and if she tells others you're doing it you just need to be tough & say no you can't.

I'm so sorry your life's been like this but your life isn't over yet. You deserve a life too.

They say you teach people how to treat you - that's not true with parents - you grow up with it - but you can protect yourself and your own family now xx good luck it's tough but you can do it x

Ring social services and stay away.
Think long term. Only when a crisis develops will things set in motion. The trick is to force the crisis. Which will come in time.

lol…don’t tempt me.
thats not really an option as she’s still lucid and can say ‘no!!’

I’ve been in touch with SS and they’ve been as useless as the popes balls … they just won’t help…I may have to force the issue.

Thank you !!!

it’s tough as I’m the only bread winner at the moment too…with a 13 year old as well.

my older sons are both adults and living their own lives, so just me. I understand my mums scared and she can get weepy …but I’m just seeing a path of giving up everything I’ve worked for to look after her. I’m not there yet…but we’re a family who live long….I’ve possibly got another 15 years and if she’s like this now…what the feck is she going to be like then….i don’t want to be in my 60’s caring for her…harsh but honest.

Why is it early dementia if she's 80's?

No.

Sounds like she is very needy while still being pretty unpleasant.

You don't need to give care.

She won't like it but you don't have to do it.

You may find it helpful to have some difficult conversations - it is possible that if you are clear to her that you don't like the fat comments etc she will cut them out or at least down.

I'd suggest regular times for phone calls with her and try your best to encourage her not to call at other times or just don't answer then.

You can set boundaries.

Thank you to this…just read it and man….did it resonate.

even with a fractured relationship, I don’t want her to suffer or be scared/sad etc …but what do we as a family have to give up to achieve this ???

Thank you x

I’ve tried many, many times. She flies off the handle, won’t see my side and orders me out of the house.

I'm a pretty strong, and capable person, but hate confrontation… she just won’t listen.
so I just brush them off…my weakness.

OP you have someone to care for and that's your son. If you give up your life to care for your mother, what will that do for your son? Who is coming into GCSEs etc

So rather than focus on the fact you are not wanting to care for mum, focus on the fact you do want to care for DS. Let that guide your boundaries.
Set them now whilst mum can still cope with stuff as it's easier now whilst she is lucid and able to do stuff.
Write down your phrases that express your boundaries and keep repeating them

" no mum I can't take you to that appointment because I've got to do xx. You will need to go on your own"
" no mum I can't come and visit
/clean/sort out xx, you will need to go to the local drop in/book cleaner etc"

Pick a few easy ones to practice saying no. It will get easier as you get used to it and she gets used to it. Right now neither of you are used to the push back.

According the her doctor … she’s not been assessed at a clinic , but her doctor, who she sees regularly, and after blood tests to ensure it isn’t anything underlining or her meds, has diagnosed this.

My brother died 16 years ago unfortunately….
he would t have helped anyway I’m afraid.

I appreciate your common sense advice…thank you !!!!

Early stages .

Next time she orders you out of the house follow her instructions and don't go back!!!

If it’s at all feasible, following @Anameisaname excellent advice about prepared scripts for “no”, you might find some therapy helpful for managing confrontation and boundaries. (I did).

Is your son still living with her? What is the relationship like? What is your relationship like now with your older son? I don't blame you at all with your mother by the way.

I had typed out a post similar and lost it, what is the situation with your son is he managing her? Fwiw she sounds awful and I don't blame your reluctance to look after her.

She won't accept outside care, only wants me,

She might want you, but you can’t do it. And that’s what you tell social services when they (inevitably) become involved. I’ve been in this position and they are manipulative as what not and will do anything to make it your problem; there are times you just have to say “no - I’m not able to do that” and let them get on with it. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. I’ve seen it with an older friend and her elderly mother. “Oh - but couldn’t you just take the day off/drive her round the country/come out at 10pm in the snow because we’re busy?” On a loop - “sorry - can’t do that.”