Scared sh!tless

[Katkins17]

So....I'm in my 50's with an elderly mother ( 80's) she has multiple health issues and her memory is fading.
Since my brother died 16 years ago, it's only me and the rest of the family is 600 miles away.

We've always had a tricky relationship..my mum is a bit of a narcissist and always have to be right/the best/most popular etc.

My Dad worked nights and she would complain to him when I was a young adult, that I wasn't getting home early enough because it meant she was on her own....so I had to stop going out after work to appease her.
When I went to art school, she enrolled too, and got better exam marks than me...everyone seemed to believe it was my mum who did my work for me ( it absolutely wasn't true)
When I got my work shown a gallery, she also applied to, and sold more paintings.
When I started my business she'd come along with me to shows on my Dads insistence ( she was lonely/alone it was a nice thing to do!!!) and talk herself up or tell everyone how I still 'hadn't lost my baby weight.'

When I was trying to leave my abusive ex. She took his side calling me an evil bitch...I ended up staying with him for a further 3 years.

When my Dad was dying in respite care, she insisted I drive her home as she needed a break...we missed his last conscious moment ( I can't ...just can't forgive her for this)

She brings up my weight constantly ( she lost weight ... as many older people do ... she crows about it )

My adult son moved in with my mum, so she wasn't alone and it gave him space as I'd just had a new baby with my partner...well he's her son now...I'm just the person who gave birth to him.

I could go in...but I'd just be moaning ( even more)
But as you can see, I'm carrying so much resentment which I should have let go of years ago and moved on, I just can't.

She needs care, which as I run my own busy business, I'm just not available to give her, although, she's on the phone with various ills and problems several times a week.
We think she's early dementia and I'm scared to death.
I'm going to be looking after this person, who I ... and I know this sounds awful...don't actually like very much... and giving her care...how am I going to cope.

She won't accept outside care, only wants me, and I've been there for her through every doctors, hospital, clinical appointment...but I'm at breaking point now and feel like sobbing at the prospect of long term care.

Am I being an evil witch? ... any advice or experience, would be great fully appreciated

@Katkins17 , sadly your mum will never be the mum you want or deserve. Ever. Especially true if she’s now in the early stages of dementia.

You’re going to find it very difficult to overcome a lifetime of programming to react to a certain way, but there are things you can do to help now. A PP mentioned grey rock, this will really make a difference if you can master it. You detach from the situation and observe/react to it as if you’re an outsider. (Bonus points if you can do an internal commentary in the voice of David Attenborough ). It helps take out the emotion of a situation.

The other thing I’ve found that helps is asking myself a) is this thing I’m being asked to do a real and genuine need that has to be fulfilled and b) if so, is it really me that has to do it, or could it be done another way or by someone else. And then by getting it done by someone else if it doesn’t have to be you. It feels like more work in the short term but setting up a network of help will be of huge benefit in the future.

My mum isn’t narcissistic and I’ve had a generally good relationship with her over my lifetime, but the caring part is stressful enough even under those circumstances. So I hope the above is helpful.

You say no.

You keep saying no.

You refer her to Adult Social Care.

This is going to sound dreadful to people who have a fairly normal dynamic.

It helped to accept my mum was all about her and always had been (she is rather clumsy at disguising it these days) and read a bit about narc behaviour.

Are you due to inherit money? I've kind of reframed my mum as a work colleague who I deal with and invest in a certain amount of time and purchasing(birthdays, Xmas) payout will be like the lottery with pretty decent odds. The minimum I will get is say 100k the max could be 500k.
That sizeable sum has made it more work than duty, and it helps my head.

Set boundaries. Say No. Keep saying it. If you keep doing stuff she will keep expecting it. If she orders you out of the house, go - gladly and joyfully! You don’t have to care for her - you defo don’t have to care for someone who so clearly failed to care adequately for you….