Scared sh!tless

[Katkins17]

So....I'm in my 50's with an elderly mother ( 80's) she has multiple health issues and her memory is fading.
Since my brother died 16 years ago, it's only me and the rest of the family is 600 miles away.

We've always had a tricky relationship..my mum is a bit of a narcissist and always have to be right/the best/most popular etc.

My Dad worked nights and she would complain to him when I was a young adult, that I wasn't getting home early enough because it meant she was on her own....so I had to stop going out after work to appease her.
When I went to art school, she enrolled too, and got better exam marks than me...everyone seemed to believe it was my mum who did my work for me ( it absolutely wasn't true)
When I got my work shown a gallery, she also applied to, and sold more paintings.
When I started my business she'd come along with me to shows on my Dads insistence ( she was lonely/alone it was a nice thing to do!!!) and talk herself up or tell everyone how I still 'hadn't lost my baby weight.'

When I was trying to leave my abusive ex. She took his side calling me an evil bitch...I ended up staying with him for a further 3 years.

When my Dad was dying in respite care, she insisted I drive her home as she needed a break...we missed his last conscious moment ( I can't ...just can't forgive her for this)

She brings up my weight constantly ( she lost weight ... as many older people do ... she crows about it )

My adult son moved in with my mum, so she wasn't alone and it gave him space as I'd just had a new baby with my partner...well he's her son now...I'm just the person who gave birth to him.

I could go in...but I'd just be moaning ( even more)
But as you can see, I'm carrying so much resentment which I should have let go of years ago and moved on, I just can't.

She needs care, which as I run my own busy business, I'm just not available to give her, although, she's on the phone with various ills and problems several times a week.
We think she's early dementia and I'm scared to death.
I'm going to be looking after this person, who I ... and I know this sounds awful...don't actually like very much... and giving her care...how am I going to cope.

She won't accept outside care, only wants me, and I've been there for her through every doctors, hospital, clinical appointment...but I'm at breaking point now and feel like sobbing at the prospect of long term care.

Am I being an evil witch? ... any advice or experience, would be great fully appreciated

So my son lives with his girlfriend. He fab and has done so much for his Nana. However, I’ve made it clear from the start that he is NOT his Nana’s carer.
he moved out end of last year as he had just had enough.
he’s much happier now and I have no problem with him living his life.
he still pops round once a week and cooks dinner for her. He’s a star.

my other son lives 500 miles away as he’s in the RAF … so as much as he loves his Nana.. he can’t help. But both boys are more than aware of her failing and how she is.

@Katkins17 You also have a responsibility to care for yourself...there's no way I would be doing it in your position. Support and advice from afar, sure - knowingly running into my own mental health crisis? I don't think so! I'm not a bad person either.

She has not behaved as a parent should. She seems to have repeatedly "stolen" as much joy from you as she can. Don't let her steal any more.

Last time she blow my phone up with snarky texts … I ignored them and carried on with work. ( I work in the wedding industry.. so between a harassed bride and my mum… I took the bride !!!)

He sounds great I was just wondering if he was still there, and he has set a boundary which is good.

It's so difficult when parents won't accept outside help mine are the same. I think there will come a time where she has to just accept help stand firm.

what I find most disturbing about this post is that I don’t think you’re being hard enough on your mother, you sound a bit apologetic, like everyone is going to judge you for not liking your mother very much. The truth is she sounds absolutely dreadful. I am shocked that you think that you have to provide care for her because she is your mom. My mother is also a narcissist and I have a terrible relationship with her. I have absolutely no guilt or shame about not providing any care for her as she ages and she is also in failing health. you need to step up and realise that you and your mental health are more important than the care for your mother. You can sort care for her in other ways, by facilitating social care etc. you are not responsible for her. Please do yourself a favour and realise that you don’t need to cope with this. You just need to take a step back and reduce your contact to a bare minimum and realise your needs are more than hers. she wants you to care for her so that she can boss you around and, feeling important, just like she has her entire life. Her disdain towards you makes her frel better about herself. Stop allowing this! I mean, my mother is pretty terrible, but she wouldn’t go to art school because I did and she wouldn’t try to outsell me when I had chosen a career, I cannot believe that you talk to her after the way she has treated you during your life. You are far too nice and I say all this as a concerned stranger. Please stop letting her treat you so poorly. She has obviously mastered manipulating your emotions — thats what narcissists do. They put guilt and shame on you so you comply with their wishes. There is a wealth of literature now about narcissistic mothers, please consider getting some support.

The OP means early stage dementia, not early onset dementia.

Realistically how many appointments does she ha e a week? You won't be able to 'put her in a home' against her wiahes unless she agrees to be assessed and the doctor decides that she does not have the capacity to understand the decision.

Once a week to check her INR bloods.

and no… I would never pack her off to a home … because as you rightly state, she still have autonomy over herself and has every right to say No…
That wasn’t what this post was about !!

She sounds awful OP and of course you’re not a witch. (Although being a witch is a good thing and I am one!)

You have to find your anger and stop being so passive. There are a lot of replies on MN from people who don’t have experience of narcissistic abuse saying that you only get one mother and you’ll miss her when she’s gone blah blah. You have to try not to listen. If you look at my recent post there are a couple of posters who’ve tried that with me. They’re doing the job of virtual ‘flying monkey’.

I don’t like my mother so I must be really evil to be living with her but refusing to be her carer mustn’t I? You’re independent and don’t need your mum so I don’t even know why you’d consider caring for her.

You're quite right...it was between witch or bitch....but TBH nothing wrong with being either...I'll own them both !!!

You're absolutely right...I think when my mum does decide that it's her time to stop tormenting me ( although she states that she never remembers the occasions she's been a complete tosser) it will be a relief.

I'll go through the motions of grief for my boys...but it will be the most amazing relief.

Me and my partner have discussed all this and he's right behind me with what ever I decide and my voice of reason. He'll not interfere, but will fight my corner with me.

You have a lifetime of her saying 'I want' and you hearing it as 'you must' and believing it.

It's not true.

You don't have to do something just because she wants it.

You don't even have to do something if she needs it.

She might only want care from you. Doesn't mean she has to get that. If she has capacity, she can choose between no care and care from someone else.

If her response to you setting a boundary is to order you out of the house, that's fine. Leave. If she blows your phone up, turn it off or block her number.

She wants. You don't want. Why does her wish take priority?

You don't have to care for her - you really don't. People might try and convince you that everyone nurses their elderly parents in their final years, but they don't, they really don't.
If you don't do it, the state will do it and she will be cared for by professionals, which I'd argue is much better than you wrecking your mental health doing it. She might be annoyed about it, but it sounds like she'd find a way to be annoyed with you anyway, so you might as well save yourself some heartache.

I really urge you to have a look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships, and Cockroach cafe in Elderly Parents. I think you will get a lot of relief from both those threads that you are not on your own. (apologies if you've seen both of those already, but i read your post and IMMEDIATELY thought of those two threads, there are some amazing people on those threads)

If you spend the next 10 years caring for her, you will lose 10 years of your life and mental sanity, at a time when your son needs his mum the most, arguably. Do it for him, do it for you!

If you spend the next 10 years caring for her, you will lose 10 years of your life and mental sanity

Ten more years. She's already stolen 50.

Totally agree that you don’t have to be her carer. I have tight boundaries with my DM for this reason and it’s always been clear that the care she needs will be provided by professionals. TBH, they do a great job, she retains her dignity (she would deny she needs any help) and I keep my boundaries intact.

If she flies of the handle and orders you out of house thats okay she will need you earlier than you need her!

I don’t know if this helps at all but hopefully it gives a hand hold.

My Dad disliked his Mum for some of the same reasons you have described, he was an only child and he refused to care for her as she got older (she wanted to move in with Mum and Dad!!)

Dad had some really hard conversations with her said no to her moving in, put boundaries in place around phone calls and visits - e.g 2 calls a week mon and weds, a visit on fri where he took her shopping so that she couldn’t be so difficult in tesco in front of everyone. He didn’t answer calls at other times but made sure she could leave a message just in case it was urgent, and he would call her back (otherwise she would call multiple times a day, get him out of meetings at work saying it was urgent and it wasn’t!!)

She also had a necklace round her neck linked to a call centre so if she was ill she pushed that and they got her help.

He wrote to the GP and said he wouldn’t be providing care, and when she deteriorated to a point where care was needed the GP referred her to social care for support. Dad had to be consistently clear in that he would not do any caring activity- but towards the last year or 2 he did her shopping and put it away on a fri, but also started ordering hot meals that come to the house and he did her banking for her - paid bills at the post office etc.

His Mum was left with no choice but to accept help - but I know she was probably not easy to look after. She had to pay for some of it but some was free (I think! it was a while ago so things will have changed).

I remember Dad found it really tough but she had caused him so much pain as a child/ teenager he just didn’t want to repay something that was never there!

You must look after yourself, do not feel guilty, you did not cause this - she did. She now needs to take responsibility for the hurt caused. Take care of you and your family xx

My DM had Dementia ,I had to threaten to sit in their office, and not go home unless they arranged a care package for her .ATM, Councils are strapped for cash and will do anything to get out of it .My RL with DM was good ,but I was ill myself at the time and couldnt cope .You need to be forceful( Doesnt come naturally to me either !)

Stop

Just stop - She won't accept outside care, only wants me, and I've been there for her through every doctors, hospital, clinical appointment

I can't do that, I am working
You'll need to get some help in
etc

So you know about grey rock, OP? You need to read up and practice of not.

Detach your emotions, you don’t need to be emotionally engaged with her nonsense, it just feeds her power.

You’ve don’t a great job with your son who visits once a week. Do something similar- have her for Sunday lunch or go at the opposite end of the week to him.

Set up boundaries- don’t answer the phone in work hours, set a regular phone time when you’ll be available.

You’ll need to use a taxi on 25th, I’m busy all day. Increase the number of times she needs a taxi until she’s less dependent on you.

Just wean her away.

Never say no- the challenge is fierce! Just say, I don’t think so, I’ll let you know, oh I doubt it, sorry I don’t think I can, maybe next time, what a shame it’s a Thursday they’re really hard for me.

Get your side in first- do the talking, tell her how busy you are, what a difficult week you had/will have etc. dramatise your needs.

Basically the assumption is no one needs as much or is as important as her so you need to massively play up your needs if they are going to get a look in.

Lastly, when she says something which is true, but makes you feel guilty, don’t argue. It’s actually neutral even though it feels like an attack. So much of my pain was caused by my believing her spin on my behaviour.
Eg-
‘You’re too busy to come and see me! I have to spend a whole day on my own because my own daughter doesn’t care enough to come and see if I’m ok!’

Just accept it. You are too busy. She will be on her own. Suggest something she can do- watch a box set, go to the library, see a neighbour, whatever stuff she does. Tell her she’ll be fine and can ring Fred if there’s an emergency.

I despair at your thought that your mother will decide to stop tormenting you. She will never change. Of course she ‘ doesn’t remember’ being a complete tosser narcissists never think they do anything wrong. your hope will be your downfall. I hate to sound so negative because I am totally on your side, but you really need to do some reading around narcissistic mothers and how they maintain control and continue to abuse their daughters.

you can’t argue with a narcissist. What she’s doing actually has a name, it’s called narcissistic rage. It’s actually a technique to get you to do what she wants. You have to stop thinking that you can get her to see your side and if she would listen to you would do everything be okay. she will never listen to you. She will never see your side.

She believes she is right and how dare you argue with her. you say you hate confrontation and that’s absolutely fine. You don’t have to answer the phone when she calls. You don’t have to be in touch with her. You are not responsible for her in fact I think you should cut her off completely unless she does what you want.

The OP means early stage dementia, not early onset.

OP, you’re just going to have to harden your heart, tell social services you cannot provide care, and repeat as needed to your DM that she is going to need to accept outside care - and pay for it if necessary. Yes, I know it’ll be hard!
One thing you could do, if she’s eligible, is to apply for attendance allowance for her. But do seek advice from e.g. Age UK - on how best to word it.

You'd still be doing more for your mother than she's done for you, OP

I just want to say I really relate to this and my parents are nowhere near as bad as her!! My brother lives abroad and I know all their care needs are going.to fall to me. I picture myself giving up work, as the carers must be so expensive once you have them a few times a day.
I'm not there yet, but I worry about it. I think people generally just don't like to consider this, but if your parents dont conveniently 'drop.dead', and you're not loaded, this is what's happening.

What a lovely young man your son sounds, you must be very proud :)

I just wanted to say that it is not on you to fund the care once needed - you will need to request a financial assessment and depending on the level of savings, your parents will either self-fund or will receive support from the local authority. The responsibility to pay will be on them, not you.