Returning home from hospital - is this normal?

[christmascactus22]

DMum has been in hospital since before Christmas. Various health needs including dementia and delirium (which is slowly resolving, so fluctuates from day to day). There has been talk of her coming home from hospital, but no firm decisions have been made yet. Occupational Therapists have asked if I can be present in the house for two or three days 24/7 if she does get home to help re-orientate her as she has no memories of the flat, despite living there for two years prior to going into hospital. Dad will also be in the flat but has mobility problems. Is this normal to ask a relative to stay for a couple of days? They don't have a spare room so I will have to sleep on the living room floor. Does this indicate she isn't really ready to come home from hospital?

Say no. You will be left to it. Make it clear there will be zero input from you.
What you do now will really dictate the future and as an ex district nurse I saw some families women end up in a right mess because mum or dad were desperate to be at home.
Your parents wouldn't want you to start down this road anyway, surely? It would 'destroy your relationship' if you don't agree? That would be highly unfair. Unfortunately there comes a point where needs outweigh wants and you might just be heading there.
Whilst you agree to prop up the situation you will honestly be left to it.

I think we are being offered the maximum care package. Social care here is being stripped to the bone and sadly four visits in a day is, I think, a maximum care package. I think it will be up to us to arrange additional care privately. Which we can do, but not without some advance notice of when she is likely to be discharged from hospital. I've been googling care companies and there are quite a few locally. I'm not sure what we will need though but will phone some tomorrow to get some idea of what is available and what the lead in times are.

If your mum has dementia she may well not settle with your dad at home when she goes back. My mum stopped recognising me as her daughter suddenly when she had dementia. I was her main carer and it made things very tricky.

I wouldn't even do that.
You'll be sucked into organising everything.

Just keep saying no.

If the care they are offering isn't enough then she needs a care home?

You can't be there to bridge the gap between carer visits, but if you accept what they ask of you now, you will absolutely find yourself stuck doing just that.

Another vote for ‘do not agree to this’ . I know Îd find it hard not to but I think it’s the only way. Could you explain to your Dad that you’re refusing as it’s in your DM’s best interest and his too so you’re holding out until a better option is offered ? Good luck

In Scotland, personal care is free - but that means it’s the absolute minimum that the state can provide. Anything else, you’ll have to pay for it if your parents have the means to do so, or provide it yourself.

do your dad have a realistic view of what it is going to be like having your mum at home: someone who needs help with all aspects of her personal care / life and only a minimum of help. Does he expect you to fill the gap?

It could be a belt and braces approach but it does sound like they are unsure of how successful the discharge will be. OP@christmascactus22 If it’s a specialist rehab hospital is there any options for holding her bed open for 48hrs post discharge ? I have worked in units in my career where this is possible but obviously it may not be that sort of unit….sadly far too common for discharges to fail early on then the person’s right back at square 1.

ps. If they are still in the discharge planning phase and exploring all options then it’s better for staff to be aware of what family can and cant offer so if you don’t have the ability to commit to very hands-on help then it’s best to say no now then they have to plan with that in mind.

You can’t reorient a person with dementia.

You can’t re- anything - there’s no origin left. It’s a cliche that downsizing doesn’t work for lots of seniles (sorry) cos they’re too far gone before they get there.

DF is being selfish too - if he can’t care, he can’t steal someone else’s life to be a skivvy. He’s supposed to love you too.

DM is a lot worse than anyone admits, incidentally: sorry. It’s in everyone’s vested interest except yours to say she’s capable of living at home. If even the hosp are sounding doubtful about this, she ain’t.

Don’t agree. Put DF in touch with the hosp, stand back with your big girl knickers on.

Just be aware they will lie to you and expect much more from you. They just want the patient discharged and will say anything to get you to facilitate that.

I agree with previous posters, do not agree to this.

The discharge team hounded me and made things ten times more difficult than it should have been. They are not interested in the patient's interest, merely a tick box exercise to get rid of the file from their desk.

If 4 visits a day is the maximum and she really needs someone actively caring 24-7 then surely a residential care home is going to be the only option?

@christmascactus22
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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3