So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Yeah. DH and I were ultra careful with our bubbles, wearing masks and washing hands etc to protect our mums for two years, then in 2022 mine went into hospital, hugged the nurse on discharge from the rehab unit where half the patients were isolated due to testing positive, developed it at home and gave it to me who gave it to DH who thankfully realised before he saw MIL and passed it to her. Mum recovered far quicker than either of us, we felt drained for weeks. Thanks mum!

The first couple of times DM made a big thing of phoning to "consult" us about the covid vaccine although there was obviously no way she'd turn down a medical intervention that might keep Dad alive for a bit longer.

This time she phoned me and told me she'd approved the most recent one but they were making him ill every single time so wasn't going to do it.

I'm long past accepting that if DF died of a respiratory illness it would be a mercy. He's had covid before, once very badly at the start then more mildly later on.

Although she's very keen on performative stuff like washing mail, banging pots and pans (the neighbours stood at the wrong side of the house for this) and making masks etc she would insist on going to the GP and chemist in person at the height of the pandemic when DF was at home.

Been there. Your description is accurate. Once the person died , I found things very difficult. Somebody said to me it is like a long playing record and the last track is scrached, so its all you can focus on.

I remember the last time my DF nearly died in hospital Mum was delighted he had a poo because it was a sign his bowel was healing. She sent us a text about how she was thanking God for the bowel movement, Hallelujah etc.

I just felt despairing because I'd had a 2am hospital dash, after many other dramas, and it still feels like it's never going to end. It did not feel like God was on my side with the turd intervention.

@HoraceGoesBonkers God is frequently invoked in my situation too. My 81 YO mum recently manned a religious bookstall at an event for an 8 hour shift. She'd lied to me about it (she has form for crying to my DB about how exhausted and overwhelmed she is, then when I try to dissuade her from these things or make her life easier, she screams at me or covers up what she's doing) and, true to form, I've just seen a message on the family WhatsApp to my DB about how she's so tired and "being careful to take things easy". If only he knew.

But I care enough to keep trying to help; therefore I'm wrong and in league with the devil himself. And I will never, ever, forget when my dad suddenly and unexpectedly died and I had to sit in the front room with his body on the floor for hours (she wanted my DB to see him lying, as he fell, in situ, as it would "help him" and he was working on shift over 6hrs away) while mother and her friends praised and sang hallelujah because he was now "with Jesus".

I feel your pain and despair. I understand completely and send you every good wish for a happier future to come, even though it seems so very grim at the moment. ❤xx

My DF is still going, hes declined further and isn't speaking much at all now, not sentences just odd words. He is now in a horrible state physically, his legs are hugely swollen, like elephant legs (no exaggeration) with human toes poking out from underneath, he has ulcers and his skin is breaking down. It's nearly a year since he moved to the home and 18 months since he was sectioned, its actually shocking how far he has declined in that time. He keeps falling now, I imagine he has difficulty walking because of the state of his legs.

Emotionally I'm ok, I think I've worked through everything now and I'm in an ok place, so that's something positive

Thanks @01Name. I'm hoping DF will die and it will get easier eventually!

That's awful about your Dad, it must have been so traumatic. My Mum is the same age as yours and from a different country, and I find some of the religious stuff quite jarring.

We have also had much drama about DM being ill and tired when it turns out she's been going to church stuff.

@Tara336 I was feeling better then had a major wobble last month when I went down to see my DF. He'd been bad for ages but seemed worse. Its not that he is about to die so much that this has all been strung out for months.

Apparently some of his meds have been withdrawn that he's not getting much benefit from although he's been on a huge amount for years now.

@HoraceGoesBonkers Thank you. It's impossible to argue against, isn't it. Exhausting. . I have reach a level of "smile and nod". I don't comment - it wouldn't end well. But it is very hard sometimes. xx

@HoraceGoesBonkers I hear you on the turd, I really do.

@eggplant16 thank you for your kind and wise words.

@HoraceGoesBonkers sometimes DM says he is much worse, then I will visit and think no he seems better, ut obviously does depend on the day you go, but the ability to speak is leaving him now for sure. I guess at leat now he can't swear at us any more or ask to come home. I think it will be a while yet before he passes but I do wonder if the enormous fluid build up on his legs is a sign his heart is failing, we can't seem to get any answers from staff in the home and DM seems to not be asking the Dr who attends weekly as I don't think she can cope with what she might be told.

Why do we make such a mess of this in this country? Its awful. My Goodbye was accompanied by a blaring TV because nobody could find the remote. Months and months of phoning the care home. Being fobbed off. Back covering.

Sounds like everyone is struggling and I know I certainly am. It’s been my first visit to my Dad’s house since my Mum’s funeral last month. I made the mistake of bringing the funeral flowers back to the house and really wish I’d left them at the crem. Dad won’t throw them away despite the fact they’re dead and I don’t know how to get round this. I was supposed to be collecting my Mum’s ashes from the funeral
director’s but ended up cancelling as I know my Dad will want to hang onto these as well. My plan had been to scatter them in the garden. God knows how I’m going to get Dad to get rid of her clothes. The house not only feels like a mausoleum but is a mess because Dad doesn’t do any cleaning. I’ve spent about 5 hours pulling out weeds in the garden because he’ll
only pay to have a gardener once a fortnight and it’s not enough.

@AgitatedGoose that sounds hard. I can understand wanting to keep minimum standards in the house and garden, but honestly you’re just making a rod for your own back by stepping in and doing it yourself.

My parents used to keep their house and garden absolutely immaculate and it makes me weep to see it now. The wallpaper peeling off the dining room ceiling where mum let a bath overflow upstairs absolutely kills me. Dad would be apoplectic. But the house is sound, safe, secure, free of damp and pests, and the kitchen and bathroom and her bedroom are basically clean. I have to ignore the dust, cobwebs and general grimyness elsewhere as those rooms aren’t used any more. It’s been a journey to get to the point I can do that but it was physically impossible to try and maintain it to their previous standards and retain my sanity. Luckily mum agreed to a gardener who keeps things tidy outside, although of course I have to manage him.

One of the silver linings for mum taking to her bed and leaving household management to me is that when the mood and energy take me, I tackle one drawer or shelf in a cupboard per visit and nibble away at sorting things out (keep/bin/recycle/donate). I’m motivated by seeing DH sorting his mums house after her recent death, and he’s not only got her clothes and belongings to deal with, but his aunty and his grandmother, who both used to live in the house too. MIL wouldn’t give the clothes to charity because she didn’t want to see other people wearing them as it would upset her. But she didn’t even deal with their underwear! It’s all a bit TMI for poor DH…

One tip I can give is when you come across an item that is sentimental but otherwise no use to you, is to take some good quality photos of it and then it’s easier to dispose of it. You still have the memories, but not the clutter.

@AgitatedGoose Would it work if you got your Dad to agree to a time and date for the scattering then you picked them up and kept them until then? If they don't ever go in his house then he can't hang on to them.

I remember being astonished one day when as a teenager I realised my gran's ashes were in a box on a shelf in our house and she'd died several months beforehand. I think Dad quite possibly just hadn't got around to doing anything with them (this was a couple of years after my sibling died in a sudden manner and it does mean you're maybe a bit less bothered when elderly people die, I'm fairly sure they weren't there for sentimental reasons).

Hi. I’m back again. For those that remember me. Mum had been doing well in her care home, almost settled but not quite. Then Saturday she wasn’t herself very tired and no appetite. I visited at 6pm last night and she was in bed fast asleep unusual for her, I tried to wake her, she opened her eyes, said my name then went back to sleep again.
This morning at 4am the home called to say she was very confused had tried to get out of bed slipped and banged her head ,they’ve taken her into hospital.
The wound is superficial, all her blood tests are negative. The Dr just rang to ask if I want her admitting for further tests or to send her back to the care home. I’ve opted for the care home she’s 92.
I feel as though I’m giving up on her. I want her to have the best of everything, but I don’t feel hospital is the place for that. She hasn’t drank now for 24 hours the Dr said they’ll offer her a drink but if she’s not fully awake she won’t be able to drink, she’s been asleep now for nearly 24 hours. Have I said the right thing I’m in a panic now I’m an only one and this is so hard.

@Metoo15 if I was in your position I think I would do exactly the same. Hospitals are kposy, busy places where you would like to think that your DM would get good care but sadly these days it's not always great. Being at the care home where its comfortable, calmer and in familiar surroundings is going to be much better for her and if they have concerns a call can be made to a Dr. I'm sure they wouldn't ask where you would like her to be if they thought staying on in hospital was of benefit

@Metoo15 you're 100% doing the right thing.

Hospitals are the worst places for very elderly, confused patients who are probably dying.

Well done on your decision.

Oh thank you so much im sat here on my own and can’t think straight. She’s been in hospital a dozen times in the last few years,the last time being October last year, it wasn’t a good experience in fact the night staff had been very rough with her and caused lots of bruising. I’m sure if she realised where she was she wouldn’t be happy.
The Dr said he thinks it’s hypo active dementia, I’d never heard of it but now I’ve googled it does seem to fit. I just hope the care home can cope with her. I’ve tried to ring them but no one is picking up and they’re sending her back later today.

Sorry Hypoactive delerium

I'm sure it's the right decision. I'm sure she would prefer to be in a comfortable bed in a familiar place with peace and quiet. Don't worry about contacting the care home, that should be done by the hospital?

Hi yes they’ve just rang to say she’s on her way. I’ll go a bit later. I’ve told them mum hasn’t had a drink for 24hours the carer said he’ll see if he can get her to take a drink.
He also said he couldn’t believe they were sending her back when she hadn’t been awake yet, but I suppose that’s the whole point hospital isn’t the place for someone like mum.

@Metoo15 I think you've made the right decision. Hospitals are awful places and your Mum is likely to get better care in the nursing home.

Many thanks @funnelfan and @HoraceGoesBonkers. I do need to ease off although I will only be visiting every 6-8 weeks due to the distance involved. I'm probably going to ask the gardener to do more hours over the summer months and hope my Dad doesn't notice he's there more often. I clean the house as we have to stay there when we go and it needs to be bearable for us.

I will try to insist that Dad sticks to a date for scattering Mum's ashes or that he keeps them in his room when we visit. TBH the dead funeral tributes are the worst for me and I know he won't have thrown them away by the time we next visit.

I spent the weekend camping with my kids and I really enjoyed it! It feels like I'm beginning to crawl out the mental health bin fire.

My Mum sent a really bonkers text about my Dad eating sausages (he can't chew!) but I just ignored it.

@AgitatedGoose You're allowed to have boundaries and tell him you won't stay unless the tributes are gone. I gave up staying at my parents' a while ago because my mum kept trampling on boundaries.