So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

@Deedeedoe Sorry to hear you're struggling. I'd suggest going to the GP yourself, telling them how down you feel and ask if there's anything they can give you to help.

I took up running when I got to the end of my tether with my parents and I found it really beneficial to have some space and time by myself, and it's really helped my mental health.

@SabrinaThwaite That sounds awful. Mine is similar in that we've had a really, really shitty time with DF and when DM started creating drama about her own health (emergency dental appointment because of an infection, she got no antibiotics then went to my sister's for a barbecue that she had no problem eating) and that was the final straw (well, that and trying to phone me up on holiday to wind me up about DF). I just got to the point of feeling like I was so done with it all and yes, possibly having another 10-15 years of it... it feels like a prison sentence.

I'm so glad to have found this thread. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2019 and has had a very swift decline, especially after the loss of my father last year. The last few months she's been disoriented, sleeping for large proportions of the day and having frequent falls and on Sunday morning fell and broke her hip. Since then she's been largely unresponsive apart from to pain.
She went to theatre yesterday and they've fixed the hip (primarily for comfort) but she's still mostly unresponsive apart from the odd word. I truly, truly hope that she's just kept comfortable now and allowed to pass away.

@HoraceGoesBonkers Fortunately I don’t think my mother has another 10 to 15 years ahead of her - so at least I am lucky in that respect.

My granny died in her 90s and my Mum is early 80s.

A while back she had covid so I sent her the contact details for the local corner shop who deliver. So she just got her neighbour to do her shopping anyway.

Part of it is that she is definitely one of life's takers! She got a lot of help with childcare from relatives who travelled across the world to be close to her and DF, inherited a few times and spent it all on holiday, didn't really do much with her own grandkids and is incredibly tight with money.

It's very frustrating but rather than being grateful she seems to think she's perpetually entitled to be the person who everyone else in the family prioritises for support, no matter what anyone else is going through. Sending an e-mail on the day my sister was getting cancer surgery wanting us to go and visit was a prime example - my sister had already told her she wouldn't be able to drive for a few weeks.

I feel bad I don't speak to her much now but it was becoming absolutely maddening.

@HoraceGoesBonkers another post mirroring our mother. We have had a very difficult few years but we have all mucked in trying to make things better for her but she just rails against anything. Earlier this summer I needed a medical procedure meaning I couldn’t drive for a couple of weeks. I ended up having to go and see her due to my siblings having other commitments-I then relapsed in my recovery both from the stress of being around her, her utter lack of empathy and the fact she had me doing loads of washing - because she knew when I was visiting so had saved loads up, towels bedding underwear etc - I didn’t want to do it but when I arrived she was in her dressing gown telling me that she had nothing to wear. Yes, she is perpetually entitled - always has been.

Oh no, I hope you're better now.

Yeah, mine is always awful whenever someone else is sick! I've posted about this before but when I had DD I lost quite a lot of blood and was visibly very sick - I had anaemia for a start. DP came back to the house with us (they turned up just before I was discharged, which couldn't be helped) then left really abruptly after getting their photos. I don't like the photos as I look like a fat Morticia Addams, I was white as a sheet.

DM then started phoning and e-mailing repeatedly despite the fact that I was ill and then a community midwife visited and told me to go back to hospital pronto as my blood pressure was through the roof and needed urgent treatment. I explained this and said I'd be in touch when I was better. She kept phoning and e-mailing anyway and also badmouthing me to the rest of the family for "keeping her away from DD", like this was the most important issue I was facing at the time.

There were quite a few earlier episodes where looking back I put up with far, far too much. But I felt I couldn't go NC because my Dad was iill.

@HoraceGoesBonkers oh dear - always about them isn’t it. I do think as you get older that you start reflecting on the sheer audacity of these people. In my mother’s case she has made some terrible choices in life or in some cases absolutely no choices as she has aged just mocked and jeered about her peers getting their ducks in a row so to speak. Now she is in a pickle it is all being dumped on us. She is also - well did it twice before I intervened, giving random people the impression no one is helping her. She has always got a bit of a buzz looking forlorn when things are not going the way she wants and people understandably feel sorry for her. The reality is we are running round, well we were, we are all abit broken now, making sure she had food, etc.

@AuntyPants I hope your mother has a peaceful passing.

Hoping for a calm day before OT assessment for struggling mother but NO. My lovely, sweet kind step dad decided this was the day to go for a wander, due to a stroke has no speech so when I received the call from mother who is monosyllabic, saying "gone" I guessed he d gone for a walk. He s fine thankfully and will.hopefully accompanying me back to his home for the O T assessment for my mum. Fingers crossed x

@Deedeedoe Would it work if you used a phone app to keep track of your stepdad? I was just thinking it might give you a bit of peace of mind to know where he is.

Assessment was helpful. OT felt it was untenable to continue as we were. Is coming with some equipment for the short term. Finally, I feel someone sees me and our shit show. But let's wait and see. Hope every other carer has a little bit of what they need today. Thanks xx

Apologies if I ve not answered all your replies. Yes, we ve done the tracker. If it wasn't so worrying it would be hilarious, my Dad was tracked on buses, trains etc. and eventually refused to use or even keep anything in his pocket.

The assessment seems hopeful, that we will have some help. Fingers crossed xx best love to everyone on the coal face of caring x

Keep you posted xx

I m sorry. Its awful xx

Feeling very alone today. Wishing I had a bigger family. More close friends. More friends who live nearby.

I feel an incredible burden of responsibility towards my mum.

I feel so sad about her situation, about my own situation. So much uncertainty.

Just, so meh, really.

@GoldenSpraint so sorry you feel like that. Are there any local groups you could find a bit more support from. Definitely understand the feeling of meh. Even with family, well a couple of siblings, we are all so drained by our situation we are struggling to be civil with each other. Thinking of you today and hopefully having a vent on here will be a bit of a relief

💐 @GoldenSpraint it's horrible to feel so lonely. Caring is very isolating, ironically. You often aren't free to do the regular low stakes things that make it easier to have friendships. And the emotional side is so hard, you sound under a constant strain. I don't like to diss the Internet when it makes my life better a lot of the time but I don't have really any friends left who do proper phone calls as opposed to messaging and I do miss hearing people's voices.

Suppose I'm just saying I'm thinking of you today. It will end, eventually.

MIL seems to have had a minor stroke last night. The care home is following her Respect plan, which is something, so they haven’t admitted her to hospital, they’re just keeping her comfortable. I hope for her sake this is the end.

@GoldenSpraint I’m sorry you’re feeling so isolated. These threads can be a real lifeline- I don’t post much, because I don’t have anything like the difficulties that some on here do, but I find it really helpful to know I’m not the only one.

Thanks everyone. I called a friend last night and we had a chat. I found myself unable to talk about anything other than caring for my mum, she talked about losing a family member recently and that she hoped my mum would die soon. So it was a complete misery fest and also extremely comforting!

I don't want to join any local groups, because I don't want to wallow in this misery. I'm trying to keep as much as my own life as I can, which is difficult, but I've discovered I've a lot of resilience, so that must be a positive!

This thread is great as some of the things said can't be voiced to a lot of people in life. I'm lucky we have a good nurse who's very pragmatic.

You often aren't free to do the regular low stakes things that make it easier to have friendships

@permanenttemporary

This is exactly it!!! Thank you, I feel so seen with this comment, and I haven't been able to put it into words myself.

But yeah, I have to choose very carefully, and I miss lots of things that would expand my friendship range.

However, I do have a couple of things that I'm clinging on to. 😊

It's all sounding so familiar, and I'm sad we are on the same journey.

DH has just had a call to say MIL is wandering her sheltered accommodation block. She is dressed and on a mission to get new hearing aids, but isn't mobile enough to leave without help. But she's also convinced she needs to give her medication to others. GP has been shrugging this off, social care no help as yet, but at least the doc sent by 111 sorted her some antibiotics for an infection. We've been there and back all week, and DH will go immediately after work today.