So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

@rosemarypetticoat Solidarity 🍷

Call from mum's care home this morning. Mum is in her 90s with dementia but can still talk, eat and toilet herself.

She is starting to become more anxious and fearful. Last night she was banging on her bedroom window trying to 'escape' and caused a disturbance. They are wondering if she has a UTI which is exacerbating her behaviour but struggled to get a urine sample from her.

So they are going to give her general antibiotics 'just in case' and also get a prescription for some anti anxiety meds. She is already on menantine for dementia and citalopram for depression for the last decade or so. All her meds are in liquid suspensions as it's hard to get her to swallow tablets.

The care home and staff are lovely and most of the time she enjoys being there. So the thought of her being so frightened she wants to escape is very upsetting. A few weeks ago she was anxious when I was visiting and said to me about the staff and residents 'I don't know who these people are and I get frightened'.

@Choux I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she gets some good anti-anxiety meds.

Is it time to stop the memantine, maybe?

The NHs website says that Memantine is not a cure for dementia but it can help with symptoms like being forgetful, feeling confused or feeling anxious.

So presumably she could get even more anxious without the menantine?

@AAgitatedGoose if you have active PoA, you can register the Title yourself now. It would be a proper expenditure to facilitate a future sale.

DH wouldn't do it because he didn't want to be seen doing things that affected the property while his DM was still living in it. The upshot was we were pushed into registering before sale anyway, which delayed a sale substantially. I'd do it now if you can.

@JudyJulie. Many thanks. I’ve already started the process and found a solicitor. I’m already stressed at the thought of having to sell my step father’s property at some point in the future and the last thing I want is a sale being delayed.

Hoping for some advice. For the last 2 years I ve cared for my step dad, (had a stroke, some cognitive impairment, wanders, is impulsive, has seizures) and my mum, (his carer ) who is now falling, confused, takes risks (lights her cigarette with the gas hob) and has singed her hair many times. We ve had over 40 outpatient appointments for one thing or another between the two of them over the last 2 years. I now wish I was dead. That a horrible illness would take me in the next few days so that this would end.

Hi.
I'd cancel all the out patient appointments for a start.

Is anything that happens there enhancing their lives?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. It's very hard to deal with both of them being so dependent.

And have you got someone you can talk to in person about your feelings? @Deedeedoe

You can ring Samaritans if you need to. At least they'd be a listening ear.

Is there anyone else who does any caring? Can you get away for a few days? It sounds like you need a break.

Thank you for your reply. I thought I had to take them to appointments, especially when they agree to it. Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be anything that gives them any joy, they both spend the day watching TV. I spend probably 30 odd hours caring for them directly and indirectly.

I don't have anyone to call on as all the other adults in my life are in work all day/work shifts and could help perhaps in an emergency but nothing else. I ve asked for social services assessment and for a carer assessment. Is there anything else I could do??

With regard to appointments - do they get any medical benefit from them? Or could the GP and district nurse do just as much, if not more?

A lot of elderly people have endless OPD visits, for no good reason. It's such an effort to get them there, from the carer's point of view. And generally a waste of time, really.

You need to tell your parents that you're ill and can't care for them for the next fortnight. Then switch off your phone and have a rest.

I do think that you need to think of your own health and wellbeing now.

If a crisis occurs, just don't answer the phone.

@Deedeedoe do you have any plans to end your life? Do bear in mind that you can call 111 and there is mental health support.

It sounds as if you desperately need someone who will support you, and some real help. Could you try your parents' GP? There are sometimes workers called social prescribers or frailty practitioners attached to GP surgeries whose work is to know what is available locally and try to tie bits of help together. The Age UK helpline are good too.

@Deedeedoe First of all I’m sorry you’re in this position. It sounds like you’re an only child and I know only too well what the weight of this kind of responsibility is like. The problem is social services will let you go on caring until you’re at breaking point before they lift a finger to help. Harsh as it sounds the only way your parents are going to get outside help is to step away. I’d ring social services and tell them you’re at the point of ending your life and will do this unless they do something.

Thanks for your advice. I know you don't know me nor I you, but l feel a bit better just having a few wise words from someone xx

@Deedeedoe everyone @AgitatedGoose says is correct SS will let you do everything for your DP if they can get away with it. I was in your position last year and I had to fight them for help and it took what energy I had left to do it but honestly it was a relief when we finally got the help we needed. Please keep talking on here if there's no one in real life to help we are/have been in your position and may be able to offer some support

Well, we ve had a day! Blood tests and an assessment from a virtual hcsw, who did come to my parents house, (wasnt sure if they would) and did all the usual stuff, medical history standing and sitting blood pressure. Highlighted some issues, like getting a wheelchair for safety while out and medicine management. Mother ignored the lovely person and lied or just blagged through the whole assessment. Glad I was there. Well not really but there you go. Tomorrow, we have an occupational therapist coming. Keeping everything crossed I can communicate effectively. Here's hoping xx

I've had a day a bit like that. Mum had a cardiology appointment and to listen to her she's a non-smoking teetotaller not on any medication. None of which is true. Also she's only been having the symptoms a few weeks when the GP referred her October last year!

I’m in the seriously fucked off camp.l tonight.

Mother discharged from hospital a few days ago with a six week reablement package. She won’t engage with the carers and insists she doesn’t need help / doesn’t want people coming into the house. Social services carers and community support have picked up on memory issues, and feedback after just a few days is that she can’t look after herself.

They found her on the living floor a couple of days ago and she either wasn’t wearing her alarm pendant or she didn’t press it to call for help. She didn’t tell me or my sister and when I questioned her she said couldn’t remember / denied it.

She’s still in denial about having heart failure. She thinks that all her health issues are because she banged her head and that nobody has told her that she had heart failure. Discharge notes suggest that she could be a candidate for a heart valve replacement and that she asked for a f2f meeting about that, she hasn’t mentioned it to me or DSis and neither of us are going to mention it. I so do not want to go down that route.

Her house now has a flea infestation as she wasn’t on top of looking after her cat. I was bitten within 5 minutes of being in the house. I found someone to treat the house and arranged for a neighbour to pick her up and look after her for the day whilst it’s done. She agreed to it with me and then told the neighbour that she wasn’t going to get it done as I was the only person getting bitten. She didn’t have the good grace to tell me, and when I phoned to ask why she said she’s just had to give me a big cheque and £150 to treat the house was too much. I forked out £600 getting her leaking central heating fixed and taking her sick cat to the vet (I had to take the sick cat home with me and look after her for 3 weeks), that’s what the cheque was for. She’s got thousands in the bank so it’s not a question of affordability, it’s all about control.

I think social services will say she can’t look after herself and needs residential care. Mother won’t do that and won’t employ private carers either. She’ll expect me, DSis and the neighbours to do everything for her.

I am so done with trying to do the right thing for such an ungrateful witch.

Wishing you strength @SabrinaThwaite dealing with those who will not be helped but cannot manage without a lot of help is soul-destroying.

@FiniteSagacity Thank you. You’re right, it’s exhausting and soul destroying and so bloody frustrating. I’m going to take the line that I’m not responsible for her or her poor decisions.

@SabrinaThwaite as @FiniteSagacity said with bells on. Phone calls regularly to my mother she tells me she isn’t coping. Suggest lots of things to help - she says no. She will however allow me to spend hours at her house when all I had planned to do was drop off some shopping. What I realised is if I told her the day I was coming she stored up lots of ‘issues’ so what should be an hour visit tuned into a full day of washing cleaning etc. Point lank refuses external help which to me just shouts ‘I want you to do it’. It is like staring into an abyss for me as she is not unwell and probably has another 10-15 years doing this.

@BlueLegume I feel for you. At least I’m 200 miles away so I can use that distance as a buffer - my sister is also some way away, but is better at saying no (again, she’s come to that the hard way). My mother is in her 90s, reverting to being a petulant child who tantrums over things and (like a toddler) makes ridiculous demands because it’s all about control.